NOTES: Inspired by the Leonard Cohen song By The Rivers Dark. Made up, for entertainment only. Thanks to Younger, Kel and Katie. And Jenn for the research.

BY THE RIVERS DARK

Hurry up and wait, and this is the waiting. Justin has a call and it's Lance. Justin gets a lot of calls, from the lawyers and Johnny and his mother but the one from Lance is the one that makes him afraid.

Lance says, "scorched earth policy," and "injunction," and Justin bites his lip. Lance sings "injunction function" to the tune of that old Schoolhouse Rock song and Justin can't get the song out of his head.

Lance finishes up his recitation of the days' events, of lawyers and maneuvering and Justin says, "If you were here, I'd fuck you into the mattress." Lance laughs twice and hangs up.

Justin closes the phone and looks around at the trailers, the set. He says, "I just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend." No one hears him and Justin bites his lip again.

He says it again, louder, "my ex-boyfriend," enunciates each syllable like they taught him. No one looks and the bodyguard doesn't turn around.

Justin goes back to his trailer and lies down on the bed, unzips his pants and puts his hand on his dick. No movement yet, just resting there. He should pick up a girl. He should pick up a guy. He should get a hooker. Or a rentboy. Somewhere in Toronto, there must be rentboys or whatever people call male hookers. Justin would bring him back to the trailer. Maybe, just to be complete, they should get some drugs on the way. Justin thinks heroin and starts moving his hand. A male hooker and heroin. And Justin would invite one of the fans hanging around to join in. One of the underage ones. Up and down and he's really hard. Hooker, heroin, underage girl. Justin thinks maybe the hooker could bring some bondage gear. They could tie up the girl. His hand is moving faster. He thinks, really, he should ask Kathie Lee to watch. He thinks and Cody, too, and he comes. He's so scared he can barely breathe. He can still hear Lance singing "injunction function."

He does an interview with the Toronto Sun and smiles on cue. He says the lawsuit isn't an outside business controversy, forces a laugh and says, "That's right smack in the middle." It's another interview and he knows what he can't say. As the reporter walks away, Justin takes a sip of his water and sings "injunction function" under his breath. The reporter's a hundred feet away when he whispers "my ex-boyfriend sang that song to me." No one hears again.

He flies to DC and his dad is there. His dad asks about the lawsuit and Justin waves him off, says something about lawyers and it will all be fine. He meets Paul Newman and hums "injunction function."

Lance calls again and gives Justin old news. Justin interrupts and says, "Seriously, if you were right here next to me, I would rip off your clothes and fuck you so hard."

Lance laughs and says, "Thank goodness I'm not there." He hangs up again.

Then he's home and Lance is right there. Justin ignores Joey because he can't talk to Joey. He can't take Joey. Joey is the past. His other ex-boyfriend. He can't take Brit, he loves her, but she's breaking him already. He plays with the curls at the back of his neck and wonders who the first guy she fucked was, because he knows it wasn't him. Wonders if he knows the guy. They're barely just in love, he and Brit, and she's already cheated on him. He thinks it's a bad omen. Maybe even a pattern. Verse, chorus, verse, like Injunction Function.

He wonders what's wrong with him, why he can't get that stupid song out of his head. He plays the right game, he smiles when he needs to, he's nice to everyone and he thinks he's going to rip out his hair if he doesn't get fucked very very soon.

He turns on a basketball game in the living room. Mutes the sound and turns on the stereo. He stabs at the button until the CD ejects, he can't listen to Brian McKnight right now. He goes to his room and finds some CDs Chris left last time he was over. He goes back downstairs and watches the game while Celebrity Skin plays loud. After three songs he calls Lance and says, "Come over."

Lance says, "What? Can you turn down the music there, Justin?"

Justin shouts, "Come over now."

Lance shows up fifteen minutes later and says, "What do you want?"

"Watch the game with me."

Lance sits down and looks at Justin. They watch the game without talking for an hour and Lance must be exhausted because he falls asleep even with the CD blaring. 'The boys on the radio,' Courtney howls and Justin looks over at Lance, eyes closed. Justin unbuttons Lance's shirt, runs his hand over Lance's collarbone and chest. He feels like a scary person.

Lance opens his eyes and grabs Justin's hand. "J, remember the term consent?"

Justin says, "Come upstairs with me."

Lance closes and lets go of Justin's hand. He sits up and says, "Fine."

Justin turns off the TV and the stereo and carries the CD upstairs with him. He puts it in the stereo in his room and turns it on. Loud, loud, screaming from the stereo as Justin takes off his shirt and shoves down his jeans and underwear. He takes off his socks and walks to the bed. He straddles Lance, Lance just sitting on the edge of the bed still in his clothes, his shirt unbuttoned halfway down. Justin says, "We're going to do this now, okay?" He doesn't wait for Lance to answer and he stands up and then sinks down to his knees in front of Lance.

The shirt comes off quickly, and Justin is rough and quick in getting Lance's pants and underwear off. Lance looks startled, maybe, accepting, Justin doesn't particularly care. That scares him and he's got so much fear in his head, it's all one river running cold in his veins. But he's hard as a rock and he wants this more than air.

He pushes Lance back on the bed and holds him down with one hand while he reaches around to the desk by the bed for a condom and lube. He says, "I don't know where you've been anymore, so." Lance doesn't flinch but his eyes narrow.

He says, "Well, me neither, Justin." It's sharp and it hurts because Justin remembers Lance when he was eighteen and he only said sweet things in bed. Justin remembers when Lance asking if Justin wanted cereal was sweet. But it's good, the hurt, because the river is rushing by his ears and he can't really feel anything except Lance hot and ready underneath him.

He grinds against Lance and they kiss briefly. Then Justin is sucking on Lance's neck and Lance is clawing at his back. They're both leaving marks. Justin clutches at Lance's waist and pushes himself against Lance's hips. They're both panting and Justin can't really hear over the music but it's good enough. Good enough.

He rears up and says, "On your stomach," and he's not built for this so he adds, "I think," and Lance flips over.

Lance says, "Fucking go for it," and Justin grabs at Lance's hips, moves them up for a better angle. Twists his fingers inside Lance and hears Lance say, "Just do it, do it." Justin thrusts in and the music is louder, finally, than anything in his head and he's not cold at all. He pushes and pulls back and pushes back in again and he doesn't have a rhythm for this, he just wants it. Over and over again. Lance pants and moans and pushes back. Loud, loud, guitars and heat and he pushes into Lance and blinks against the sweat in his eyes.

Courtney Love screams something, guitars grind, and Justin comes at the same time he hears Lance's head bang against the headboard. Justin collapses, spent, next to Lance on the bed and as Lance rolls away, rubbing his head, Justin can see a wet spot on the bedspread and he thinks, oh, good. He'd get up and turn off the music but he can't exactly move. His stomach hurts and his thighs a little and he remembers to say, "Is your head okay?"

Lance mutters something like "you don't care," and then says, louder, "I'm fine."

Justin says, "I care." He does. He's starting to feel a little better, maybe, not so deaf and dumb.

Lance says, "I need to, is it okay if I stay here a while?"

Justin says sure and gets up and turns off the music.

Justin's mom wakes them up, and doesn't say anything about the state of the room or Lance asleep in Justin's bed. They have things to do and rehearsal, award shows and performances. Bookings for nothing, Justin thinks. He watches Lance wince during one move and the song is stuck in his head again.

He ignores Joey, because it's Joey and he can't take that again. Britney calls and Justin leans against a wall, listens to her talk about her day and ask about his, how things are. He says, "I'm mostly okay," and he means it.

Joey comes over and says to him, "It's a different kind of fear."

Justin looks up and looks down. "What?"

Joey says, "It's like, I used to be afraid of failing but I was afraid of not selling enough records or some stupid scandal if people cared enough." Justin thinks enough, enough, and he hears the word over and over again in his head until it's just syllables of nonsense. Enough, e stands for excellence and e and Emily. He doesn't know anyone named Emily, he thinks, and ignores the song looping in his head.

Justin says, "We haven't failed."

Joey looks away and then reaches out to Justin. Justin flinches and Joey's hand falls away. Joey says, "Scorched earth policy and the way they talk about us. I just. It feels scarier. Doesn't it feel scarier to you?"

Justin says, "I guess so. I'm trying to think about other things. I think, I can't do much, really, can I? Just keep going."

Joey says, "You're right. But, yeah. You look a little spooked."

Joey is fucking his way across Orlando. Justin knows this because people tell him, casually and sometimes deliberately. Justin wants to hate him and wants to hate everyone. He wants a hooker and heroin and all those things and he's more scared of himself than even everything in Lance's song. Justin almost hums "Injunction function" again and instead says, "I said I was a little scared. Fuck off."

Joey looks away and rubs Justin's shoulder even as Justin shies away and then Joey walks away.

Chris, Lance, lawyers and they explain again about contracts and recoupables, licensing and all that. Justin knows this back and front. They all do, they're hardly babies. And Justin thinks he should have known. At the meeting, they wait for a moment, the lawyers conferencing in another room, and Joey starts singing under his breath. Journey, Open Arms and Justin wants to fall asleep in his arms. Joey would sing to him forever and the song is sweet. If Joey looks up and says anything at all, Justin will go anywhere with him.

The lawyers come back and Joey's eyes never leave his shoes.

As the meeting breaks up, Justin finds Lance and says, "Come home with me. You can fuck me into the mattress this time."

Lance flinches and says, "You're so fucking romantic."

But Justin gets into Lance's car and they drive to Justin's home. Same bed and it's rough all over again and Justin claws the sheets and feels the mattress beneath him that just won't give as Lance thrusts in over and over again. Bright white sheets, lights behind his eyes, and Justin comes before Lance does. When Lance is next to him, sweaty and flushed on the bed, Justin says, "This is casual sex."

Lance laughs and gets up. He says, "You're so casual about it. Justin, you crack me up."

When he sees Britney again, when he tells another lie about how he's not dating anyone and Britney nods and says it's all okay, he wants to ask her about casual sex. She should know, right, she's slept around. He feels bad about even thinking it. He doesn't know, he won't ask, he should give her the benefit of the doubt. She loves him and he loves her. Love is enough, e stands for excellence and he just asks her if she knows anyone named Emily.

He thinks about it on a plane. On a plane going to Boston, he reviews the evidence and where he went wrong. He's gone wrong a lot. He can make things right, he can, if the earth is free of fire and he has the chance.

He calls Britney, he sings the new songs when Lance's song is stuck in his head, he smiles at Joey like he means it and everything's really really okay, and he doesn't talk to Lance at all. He focuses on work, because there's more to him than who he fucks and he loves.

There's no song in his head when the gavel comes down and the injunction is rejected. He hugs Joey and Chris and JC and barely touches Lance. Lance doesn't say a thing. Justin knows they're okay anyway. They're okay.

It's Christmas and everything is completely okay. So completely okay and he calls Lance and says, "Sorry," out of the blue.

Lance says, "For what?"

Justin says, "Nothing, just wanted to say sorry. I have to go, I have to call Britney now. Have a merry Christmas, Lance, next year, everything's going to be great."

Then he struck my heart
With a deadly force,
And he said, 'This heart:
It is not yours.'

-Leonard Cohen

THE END.

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