NOTES: For Jae W and Silvia Kundera. Because they rock and they deserve something very very nice, which this hopefully is an approximation of. A quote from XTC's Dear God. Thanks to Younger, Kelly, Katie, Shana and the boys I knew when I was 13 who loved Robotech, too.

COUNT TO THREE

1. March 1997. Five guys stuck in a room and it's late which means, like always, they end up talking about sex. Justin thinks someday they'll know all these answers and then that'll be a sign. Like complete bonding, because they know everything about each other, even the sex stuff. But now it's only been two years and Justin just turned sixteen so they're really still on the basic stuff. Lance and Justin, mostly gay. Chris and JC'll fuck anyone, but right now just each other, and Joey is mostly straight.

Stupid hotel room and Chris said they should stay up all night because they have to be at the airport at 4 a.m. anyway. Even with all of them except Lance knowing each other in ways before hand they're just now getting to the when did you first stories. Joey says, "Okay, first girl was when I was fourteen. Beyond kissing. She was wearing these little girl panties, man, I mean, white with fucking bows on them. And I'm pulling them down, on her couch, in her basement, and I'm thinking, damn, girl, get your mom to buy you grown-up undies." Joey laughs. He says, "At least she had some hair down there. And she was the sweetest thing, really, her name, I think was maybe Jane."

JC grins and says, "Maybe Jane is a cool name."

Chris rolls his eyes and pokes JC. He's sitting on the couch and JC is sitting on the arm of the couch next to him. Chris leans his head back against the couch, the line of his jaw like an architectural drawing, Justin thinks. JC smiles and leans down and kisses Chris. One, two, three.

Joey starts up again. "So yeah, maybe Jane was the first time I got my hands on a girl's cootchie." Joey picks at his teeth. "Next? First hands in underpants, anyone? Someone else's pants, I mean."

JC looks up at the ceiling. Justin thinks everyone expects the baby to have nothing to say, so he leans forward and says, "Okay. I was, uh, thirteen."

"Thirteen?" JC blinks. "Do I know this other person with your hands in their pants?"

"Ryan," Justin says. Lance is starting to nod off, his head lolling a little onto Justin's shoulder.

Joey stands up and shakes Lance. "Wake up, wake up. No sleep until the plane, man. Plus, you don't want to miss Justin's underage gay porn story."

Lance mutters, "He's making it up."

Justin says, "Am not." He doesn't insist, he knows it's true. Lance leans his head on his hand and waves to get Justin started. So Justin says, "Right, so I'm back in Orlando, actually, right before I met Chris and Ryan's in town and my mom lets him stay over. In my room. An' we stay up late, and we watch silly movies and we're on my bed. And it's late so we're flipping through channels and we get to something sexy. Sexy enough for us then, anyway. And we're both kind of, you know, happy. Happy to watch."

Lance says, "Hard. You mean hard. Little kids! You were little kids!"

Chris snorts. "Clearly not so little."

Justin smirks. "So I put my hand on his shorts, and he wiggles a little and then he sighs and undoes his shorts and shoves my hand right in. So I do the same, put his hand there and then you know, we take care of business."

JC almost giggles. "You, man. You started early!"

Joey says, "I'm so proud." Justin doesn't mention the part where Ryan insisted on sleeping on the floor. But they're fine now, him and Ryan, so it doesn't matter.

Justin says, "Next, who's next?" He hits Lance and says, "Come on, tell."

Lance rubs his forehead and says, "Uh, okay. For real, I was fifteen. You know, not counting playin' doctor or whatever when I was young young. So, uh, I'm out hunting with some family friends and there's this guy. Like two years older than me. And he keeps staring at me. So, we're out in the woods and he's all, come over here. Just waving, not saying. I follow him and we're, you know, trees, shelter. He kisses me, I kiss back, he says 'keep quiet so no one comes,' and then you know. I jerked him off after he went down on me."

Joey says, "Do you even remember his name?"

"I only met him that one time," Lance says. He's smiling, eyes half closed. "His name was Scott. Or, you know, that was the name written on the inside of his underwear. Like when you go to camp and your mom writes your name on your clothes, you know?"

Joey says, "He just looked at you and he knew."

Lance yawns and covers his mouth. Then he says, "He just knew. Maybe it was because after the first time he looked me up and down, I kept staring at his crotch. He had a really big, you know, gun."

JC starts to answer and Justin's mind starts to wander. JC is talking low and quiet and Justin is picturing woods and Chris. Chris in the woods, waving at Justin. He closes his eyes and puts his head down.

Chris shakes him awake and it's time to go. They pile into a van and then to the airport and then waiting and then on the plane. Justin is still sleepy. He ends up in the farthest back row, next to Lance. The plane is deserted, so JC and Chris, Justin can see, are four or five rows up, their heads together, just one dark blob. Justin leans his head back and pictures it again. Woods and early morning and Chris waving to him.

He's definitely hard and he shifts in his seat. Just rests his hand on his pants. Maybe moves his hand a little. Lance leans over and whispers in his ear, "Stop that."

Justin whispers, "No."

Lance shrugs. He reaches up and pulls down a blanket to cover both of them. Justin looks around for a second and then closes his eyes. He puts both hands under the blanket.

Lance grabs Justin's left wrist and pulls Justin's hand and then he's touching Lance's dick. Lance already opened his pants, that fast. Lance is hard, too. Justin just rests his hand again, Lance's dick is hot, thick. Justin isn't doing anything until he finds out for sure that this deal goes both ways, he thinks. And then Lance is opening Justin's fly and reaching in his underwear.

Justin doesn't open his eyes, he just starts moving his hand, up and down and fast and then slow again, almost squeezing. Almost. Fuck, he thinks, Lance has a big dick. Lance's hand moves up and down, the same, but not quite and it's fucking hot, Lance's delicate long hand and the scratch of the blanket against the head of his dick sometimes, sometimes when Lance's fingers aren't there. Justin bites his lip and his eyes fly open, the blank metal of the ceiling of the plane. He comes and he sighs.

Lance makes a tiny sigh a few seconds later. He shoves something in Justin's hand, something soft. Justin cleans up and wipes his hand. He pushes the blanket off a little and he sees Lance gave him a sock. Justin says, "Ewww," and throws the sock in the barf bag in the sleeve in the seat.

Lance says, "Whatever. It's not like they gave us napkins."

Justin says, "This was, uh, just this once, okay?"

Lance says, "Of course." He folds up the blanket and falls asleep against Justin's shoulder.

*

They're watching a movie, another stay up as late as possible thing. It's kind of nuts, and Justin sort of wishes it wasn't in his room. He wants to sleep and now he'd have to kick everyone out and that won't happen.

When Harry Met Sally ... is on and Justin drifts in and out. Joey hits him and says, "Hey, Justin, what do you think of when I say: 'the day Kennedy was shot' -- quick answer, kid."

Justin blinks. "Uh, which Kennedy? RFK was killed in, uh, 1968, and President Kennedy was killed in 1963 and I don't remember the days. Why, why are you asking? Is this a history quiz?"

Chris is laughing and he points at the film but Justin doesn't get it. He closes his eyes again and Lance leans in before he falls asleep. "See, Billy Crystal has this young new girlfriend and he asks her about the day Kennedy got shot and she said something stupid, okay? And Joey was joking about Chris dating you and the age difference thing. So, you did fine."

Justin wonders what fine is, and then he's asleep. He wakes up when Chris kisses his cheek and says, "We're leaving, kiddo, you get even more sleep." Justin opens his eyes in time to see Chris whispering something to JC as they walk out of the room.

He gets in Lance's bed and puts his hand over Lance's mouth before Lance can say anything. Other hand in Lance's pajamas so his intent was clear. The only thing Justin says is "Seriously, not again, just this once."

Lance nods.

*

They get half an hour and there's some tiny shop and for once, Joey and JC and Lance want one thing and Chris wants another thing so Justin's the only one who trails behind him into the store. Chris is just poking around, humming something under his breath and then he stops. Justin says, "What?"

Chris is grinning huge and he holds up two videotapes with dark cartoon drawings on them. "Holy motherfuck, they have this shit on video!"

Justin laughs and he says, "What is this shit?"

Chris is bouncing. "Okay, you won't remember, because, fuck, this one," and he pushes the one in his left hand almost into Justin's face. He says, "This one I watched when I was in fourth grade. So you weren't even born. But, fuck, it was so good." Chris starts singing, right in the middle of the store. "Through all the fire and the smoke, we will never give up hope, if we can win, the earth will survive! To keep us alive it's our Star-blaaaaa-zers!"

Justin says, "So, it's about, uh, space?"

Chris swears again and he spins around and calls out to the clerk, "Hey, are these dubbed or subtitled?"

Chris asks in English, but the clerk says something in German, Justin can't catch all of it, but Chris does. They talk back and forth in German and Justin gathers that the tapes are dubbed in English, which is weird, but cool. Chris looks at the tapes and smiles like he's got free candy or two whole hours off or something.

Chris says, "So this one, I don't remember much at all. But like, I used to watch at my friend's house, Terry or something. And his sister would watch with us and when the show got cancelled, she cried. She was a big cry baby. There was, on the show, there was, like, a captain and some other guys and this kick ass girl who was lieutenant or something. And we'd play in Terry's backyard, when it snowed," Chris pauses. He says, looking up at Justin, "You've seen snow, right? Backyards."

Justin rolls his eyes. "Yes, I've seen snow, come on."

Chris says, "Okay, we'd play in the snow and we'd all be people from this show. And now I only remember -- there was this one part, see. The girl and the guy, they were hot for each other but I don't know, I think they hadn't admitted it, or something. Typical, the girl kinda suspected, but the guy was all denial. And the big bad guy, he's shot the guy, and he's passing out from blood loss and the girl saves the guy or something. I just really liked that scene." Chris looks down at the tape. "I wonder if it's on here. And, man, I'll only be able to play this here, right? Fucking PAL tapes. I don't mind leaving porn behind, but, damn." Chris frowns.

Justin says quickly, "What about the other one?"

Chris grins again. "Okay, this one, this one was on when I was thirteen. And it's great. It's this great story, none of that He-Man crap or whatever you watched when you were a kid. See, they're on this ship and it's so big, they have a whole city in the ship. And there's this great triangle, man, it's like, okay, the one guy, he's all cocky and stuff and he's in love with this girl, she's all giggly and pretty and hee, hee and she sings. And he falls in love with this other girl, because the giggly girl, she's all flighty, but the other girl, she's in the military and she's serious and cool and tough. And the best part? People die. Like, it was really funny. We all watched the show, I used to go over to my friend's house after school before my other stuff."

Chris doesn't even flinch about his other stuff being a job. Chris was working when he was that young and not like Justin was working in TV, Chris was doing crappy jobs where no one cared if he'd done his homework. Chris says, "So, my friend Josh, he's all my favorite character is Roy whatever, and that day! That day, Roy dies. He dies, man. So the next day at lunch, Josh is all, my favorite character is Ben something. And that day! That very afternoon, on the show, Ben dies. So we're all, man, Josh, choose that giggly girl as your favorite character, cause we all hated her." Chris grins and Justin smiles back.

Chris looks down at the videos and he puts them back in the rack carefully. His fingers linger over the boxes, but he pushes them back in. Justin says, "Aren't you gonna get 'em?"

Chris shrugs. "Nah. When would I get to watch 'em? And I'd need to collect them all and I'd never find 'em and they won't play on a VCR at home. It was cool to think about 'em again, you know?"

Justin nods but he looks at the price tags on the videos. They're not rich yet, after all.

Chris says, "Let's go, let's go," from the door. Justin trails after him again, because he's happy to do that. He's asking Chris about the show, because it sounds cool, and then the other guys come out of the shop across the way. Chris starts asking everyone if they'd heard of the cartoons but no one has and JC says, "You're old, man, we ain't seen either of 'em."

Chris laughs and rubs JC's back and says, "Old, old, old." He's looking at JC and they all start talking about something else. Old, old, old, Justin thinks. It's not about being old enough, it's about timing.

*

So he was lying to Lance and just twice becomes three times becomes four times. He only kinda likes Lance but Lance is there and willing. He's pretty sure Lance feels the same about him.

The fifth time, he closes his eyes and they're kissing, hands in pants. Lance just brushed his teeth. They push down their pajama pants more, and Justin thinks his butt is cold. But Lance's hand is warm around his dick and that's good. They push against each other and Justin comes first.

Lance comes and leans back against the pillow, panting. Justin says, "You get, I mean, this isn't a thing."

Lance laughs. "Yes, oh my goodness, yes. I'm really clear, Justin."

Justin leans over and grabs the towel he threw on the floor earlier. He wipes his hands and cleans himself and hands it to Lance. While Lance is rubbing his stomach, he says, "I mean, clearly, we're both just doing this while we wait for Chris and JC to break up."

Justin pushes him off the bed and says, "Fuck you."

Lance looks at him for a second, rubbing his ass as he gets up from the floor. He looks pissed off, upset, something. Justin doesn't care. Justin says, "Shut up. You don't know anything."

Lance swallows and says, "You're such a fucking brat." He climbs into his own bed and clicks off the light.

Justin doesn't say it's the last time, but he doesn't need to. He turns on his side, and thinks about cartoons, and timing and how he fell asleep before he ever heard how old Chris was when he first got some. He thinks about timing and he thinks Lance was probably right but it's kinda sad and mean to think about. He thinks about Chris and he falls asleep, miserable.

2. February 1999. His mom is speaking loudly and Justin winces because Chris is right outside. Chris said they had to tell his mom and then he said, "You have to." Which made sense, Justin can acknowledge that and especially now that it's actually happening.

It hasn't been long, just a few days, but it feels to Justin like it's been forever. Or maybe just since he met Chris and now finally it's this. And really, this has only been building, on Chris's part anyway, for the last few months.

Some point after Chris and JC ended and at some point when Justin had given up on ever getting Chris this way at all, he looked up and Chris was looking at him. The way he always wanted. And Justin looked down and thought, be careful. Don't rush.

But it's real for both of them and now they're really and actually dating and as soon as he finishes telling his mother and they tell the guys they will have actual and real sex. Not just the kissing and groping of the last few days. Not that it will be Justin's first time for anything, but first time with Chris and not just in his head, so it's worth what is already turning into the most painful conversation he's ever had with his mother in his life. Even worse than when he told her he was pretty gay.

She says, "I just. Justin, I worry about you."

"Why? It's not because, you know Chris, Mom."

"He's so much older than you," she says and looks down. She wrings her hands and Justin had read that phrase but he thinks he's never actually seen it. She really is wringing her hands. It's kind of scary.

Justin says, "So what? You can't, come on. I'm not some blushing stupid freshman in college being seduced by his coach or something. I'm not, Mom, I'm not your average eighteen year old, you know."

"It's not that, honey. But you're still. It's not that I'm worried he's taking advantage of you or something, it's that, you know. You're eighteen and you've never really been in love --"

"Until now," he says firmly.

She sighs and keeps her hands still for a moment. Then the wringing starts up again and she says, "But not before and he has. So it's not about age like a number, it's about experience."

Justin says, "Mom, I'm not a virgin, you know. I mean, not even with girls."

She looks up and frowns. "God, Justin, I'm not talking about sex. You're not making your case very well here, okay? I'm talking about what it's like when you're with someone and being in a relationship and this is something that Chris knows and you don't. And I think, I think there's something to be said for being with someone as inexperienced as yourself. Because, honey, I'm sure Chris cares about you, but I just worry."

"He does, Mom, it'll be okay, you'll see." Justin sits down on the floor in front of her and grabs her hands so she'll fucking stop wringing them over and over again. "I mean, can't you look at as a good thing? You know, more experienced guy with less experienced and it's like, won't make the same mistakes or something."

"I don't think it works like that. I think, more. God, Justin, it's about maturity and you're incredibly mature about so many things, but there are some things you just have to learn by doing. And Chris already has and you haven't. He was with JC for two years and before that he's had girlfriends, I know, he's had people in his life. I think, I worry, I worry things will come up, because they always do and you won't know what to do and that's why I say he's so much older than you."

Justin doesn't know what to say to that. He's not even sure he got all of it. He says, "I'm eighteen, I'm gonna do this anyway. I really want, Mom. I really want him."

She sighs again. She says, "I know. Don't you think I know? I know you, doll, I love you, I want you to be happy. But I can't, I won't pretend to think this is a good idea. It's not that I don't like Chris, okay?"

Justin nods and puts his head on her hands. "I like him. A lot."

She says, "I'm pretty clear on that. Because you're here and you're talking to me, and, you know, Justin, you're not in the easiest business to be falling in love with your male co-workers."

"I know, I know," he says. "That'll be fine. It was all fine when he was with JC, we'll all make it work."

She says, "Things are different now."

*

And then you wait and then you get the reward, Justin thinks. The guys took it well, even JC. Lance maybe smirked. They already knew, it wasn't any kind of surprise. And things are so good, he doesn't see how anyone could possibly complain.

So good for him. The first time was great, everything he wanted, and every time since was somehow better. And it's an actual day off, which they never ever get and he's at Chris's apartment. My boyfriend's apartment, he thinks and smiles. Chris comes out of the kitchen and throws Justin a beer. "Don't tell your mom, man, she doesn't like me anymore as it is."

Justin says, "She used to let me drink in Germany, you know."

"That was Germany, this is America." Chris sits down next to him. Can of Bud, and after he pops the tab, he puts his finger in and pushes the little metal thing against the top inside. He always does that, even with just a Coke. His fingertip is wet with beer and he holds his hand out. Justin leans forward and sucks on Chris's finger, sucks and then one little lick. They always do that now, when they can. Chris looks over at Justin and says quietly, "You look so obscene when you do that."

Chris pulls his finger away and there's a wet little pop. Chris licks his finger, and sighs. "Your mother used to like me."

Justin licks his lips, tastes a little beer, mostly Chris. He settles closer to Chris, spreads his legs but Chris is just drinking his beer, looking down. Justin says, "She still likes you. She's just not thrilled with the idea of us. The reality of us, I guess. It'll be okay."

"Yeah," Chris says. He reaches over and grabs Justin's beer can. He opens it the same way as before, and Justin sucks on his finger again, two licks this time. Chris shudders a little, and turns slightly. He pushes his finger in Justin's mouth, his palm warm and oddly soft against Justin's chin. He says, "Beer later, okay?"

Justin nods, just a slight movement. He sucks, cheeks in and keeps his eyes on Chris. Right where he wants to be. Chris says, low and reedy, "You really work it, don'tcha?"

Justin stops sucking and smiles briefly. Chris pulls his finger out a little, pushes in a second one. Chris's other hand is on Justin's shoulder and he gently pushes Justin back on the couch, the two of them lying down. Justin's happy, hard, Chris heavy on top of him, two fingers in his mouth, languid, perfect. He could do this forever. Chris runs his hand down Justin's side, starts unzipping Justin's jeans. Maybe not forever, Justin thinks, maybe stop right now and get naked immediately.

Chris has the same idea, clearly, they think alike, and he pulls his fingers out of Justin's mouth and gets Justin's jeans open, pulled down to his thighs. Chris moves his hands up under Justin's t-shirt, wet fingers against Justin's stomach, cool right there and Justin sighs. He says, "What do you want?"

Chris says, "World peace. A big reduction in the price of the beer." Chris leans forward, shifting against Justin's dick and what Justin wants is to be naked right now. Chris says, "I want you on top of me, and then you can figure out the rest, right?"

Justin says, "Yeah, yeah, I got it." He grins and grabs Chris's shirt, and wraps one leg around Chris. He flips them over easily. Now it's his turn and he leans forward, shifts against Chris's crotch. He's rewarded with a moan, Chris pushing up against him. Justin says, "Naked. Naked."

Justin sits up and pulls off his shirt, throws it on the floor. Chris shucks off his, and he starts pushing his jeans down. Justin tugs them off the rest of the way and then shimmies out of his own. Justin gets his underwear off and bats away Chris's hands from his own boxers. This part he just loves, like unwrapping his favorite Christmas gift over and over again. He runs his hands under the waistband of Chris's boxers, Chris's stomach so warm against knuckles. He pulls out and then down, and he loves it, loves how smooth Chris's skin is against the back of his hands, loves the way he shudders and laughs.

"Now," Justin says, "now we get to it."

Chris brings his legs up, crosses them behind Justin's back, soft hair on his calves tickling Justin. He loves it, loves it so much. Chris tugs him closer. He loops his arm around Justin's neck and almost, almost kisses him. He says, "You. Have no appreciation of foreplay."

Justin laughs and kisses Chris. Wet and lewd and Chris bites his lip. "Foreplay," Justin says. "This is foreplay, you fuck."

Chris reaches down between them, two quick strokes with just the fingers Justin sucked on. Justin groans and then Chris brings his hand back up. "Suck on this, baby," he says.

Justin lowers himself, grinds against Chris while he sucks on one, two, three fingers. Justin's mouth stretched and full and his dick rubbing against Chris's and he doesn't quite think because that would be too much right now. But somewhere it's like a refrain in his head, over and over again, "right, right, right, exactly right."

Chris says, "Lord knows, you're so impatient," and he tries to sound cool, but he's panting, pushing back against Justin's hips every other second. Chris reaches around the other side of the couch, behind his head and his legs tighten on Justin's back.

Chris rips open the condom with his teeth and pushes at Justin's chest when he has just the condom. "Let me," he says and pulls his hand away from Justin's mouth. His fingers glisten and Justin licks his lips again, tastes Chris again.

Justin says, "Shut up for once," and smiles as he leans down to kiss Chris. Chris won't open his mouth, he just smirks. Chris is good at this, Justin thinks, really good. He closes his eyes and inhales as Chris gets the condom on him, one-handed. Justin thinks, breathe and don't come because he's so fucking hard and Chris is just barely touching him.

Chris shifts up a little and Justin grins. There's something to be said for a boyfriend who likes to prep himself. Something about how fucking hot it is to watch Chris's wet fingers moving in and out, and how typically Chris to move so Justin can see.

"Come on, come on, come on," Justin hears and realizes he's saying it. Breathing, lips moving against Chris's neck, stubble scoring against his lips.

Chris mutters, "So impatient." He pulls his hand out, shifts again, legs even tighter around Justin. "Let's fuck," he says.

Justin's already moving, he'd been moving and moving and now. In. Sweet tight Chris. Justin's fucked other guys, been fucked, too and he just wanted Chris. It's better than he imagined, hand on his dick in bathroom after bathroom and bed after bed. And he thrusts and thrusts and Chris pushes back, his legs tight and then slack with each push. Like a pulse against his sides. In and out and in again.

"Fuckin' A," Justin says, in and out.

Chris is pumping his own dick and he comes first, spitting out obscenities. Justin says "fuck" low and long and he's done, too, like a string of firecrackers going off inside him.

They untangle and clean up and Chris hands Justin his beer, warm with water dripping down the sides. "Your mother used to like me," Chris says. They're both naked, sprawled against each other on the couch.

Justin doesn't really move, just drinks his beer and pets Chris's thigh with his other hand. He says, "She still does, man. It's just, you know, her only little boy all grown up and in love for the first time, I think. She's all worried. It's not you, per se."

Chris finishes his beer, long gulps and then he crushes the can in his hand and throws it on the floor. His hands are wet again, from the can this time and he runs his hand over Justin's face, cheek to chin. He says, "In love?"

Justin laughs. "Like that wasn't obvious, you big dork."

Chris touches Justin's lips lightly and says, "Yeah, me, too."

Justin feels warm inside, a blossom in his chest. "I knew that, you know."

Chris says, "You're very impatient. But oddly smart. I like that."

And Justin's warm all over so he wiggles even closer to Chris and moves up so they can kiss. It seems like an appropriate time. This time, Chris opens his mouth, and they kiss for a really long time.

*

He worries JC might be something with him. JC seems okay, but sometimes JC is pretty spacey and Justin isn't sure he isn't hiding some anger, maybe. Something. JC sits down next to him on the bus and Justin says quietly, "You're really okay with this? With me and Chris?"

JC shrugs. "We broke up over a year ago, Justin." JC smiles at Justin, seems sincere.

Justin says, "Good. That's good."

JC says, "It was over a year ago and I know he wasn't interested in you at all when we were together." JC pauses, still smiling. "I mean, interested in you in that way. So it's okay. Completely okay."

JC gets up and goes to talk to Lance, sitting way too close to him and Lance is almost blushing with happiness. Justin bites his fingernail and goes to look for Chris.

*

They sleep in the same bunk when they know it's okay, which is pretty often. So Justin says very quietly, "What do you think is up with JC and Lance?"

Chris snorts. "Nothing at all. JC doesn't like him that way."

Justin says, "Huh. You think? They seem awfully close."

Chris rolls over a little, tugs Justin closer. "Nothing's gonna happen, man. I know JC. He likes Lance, you know, but not that way. Lance might want, but it'll never happen."

Justin wraps himself around Chris more, their legs kicking for a moment, trying to find purchase and comfort. But they fit together good, Justin thinks. It just takes time to find the right place.

*

Justin knows he should maybe let things sit but not everything. And it's hard to figure out sometimes, things to forget, things to not let fester. They're in Justin's bunk tonight and he decides to say something. Just say it, he thinks. He says, "Look, about the thing, last night." About the big-ass fight they had ten minutes before going on, and all they were fighting about was some offhand remark Justin made about a fucking movie Chris loves and Justin think sucks.

Chris says, "Let's not. Okay? Because you don't want to talk about this really. You just think you do." Chris shifts a little and tugs on the blanket.

"I do want to talk about it, man, you were pissed." Justin thinks he fucking hates being told what he thinks.

"I'm not pissed now," Chris says. But he sounds pretty pissy.

"Okay, but, right, we talk about things and this we're not?" Justin sighs.

"We don't need to talk about it. You're, like, making this an issue for no fucking reason." Chris sighs. He pushes away from Justin and throws back the covers. He's halfway out of the bunk and he says, "Space." Chris wants space. Because they spend so much time together, they just say "space" and it's a signal that they need to not be with each other. Justin sighs.

As he gets out of the bunk, Justin leans over and says, "I love you."

Chris closes his eyes and puts his forehead against Justin's. "Yeah, me, too." Chris pulls the curtain closed, and Justin's in the dark in the bunk. He hears Chris walk away.

*

Things are mostly okay. They've been together three months and it's pretty amazing. It's amazing to get what you always wanted and it's still better than you thought. And it's just, Chris is the most interesting and fun person he's ever met and Justin's the first person Chris wants to see and spend time with all the time.

And no matter what his mother thinks, the relationship works just fine. Perfectly fine. Justin says, "Don't you agree?"

Chris rolls his eyes. "My god, it's the romance of the ages. You and me, man, screw Romeo and Juliet, Liz and Richard, Kurt and Courtney, it's us all the way."

"Those're pretty crappy examples of love for their ages." Justin grins and plays with Chris's braids.

"Yeah, so, good thing there's us now." Chris bats Justin's hand away and starts flicking his fingers at Justin's hair. Justin tries to knock Chris's hand away and they start slapping and pushing at each other.

Joey walks over and shoves Justin away. "Hey, dipshits, camera crew here in, like, two seconds."

"God," Justin says. "We weren't doing anything."

Chris reaches around Joey and pushes Justin off the couch. "We weren't, Joey," Chris says, in a high-pitched whine. "We won't let our big gay love get caught on camera." Chris puts his hand by the side of his mouth and whispers loudly at Justin, "So, babe, forget the blowjob thing, okay?"

Justin laughs and clambers back up on the couch. Joey says, "Man, guys, I know you're cool, but come on. It's just, you know, we got a lot of interviews to do today."

Chris rubs his forehead. "We do a lot of interviews, man, we'll be fine. We're always fine. We've got, you know, ten seconds a day where we're not being NSYNC and we still manage not to jump each other on national TV. What crawled up your ass, man?"

Joey sits down between them, shoving Justin to one side and says, "I'm tired. Tired. Tired and broke and it's another day of hoping Lance doesn't fucking hump JC's leg or puke on camera and you two don't start frenching and claim it was all just a joke, ha ha."

Justin leans his head against Joey's shoulder and he pats Joey's thigh. "Man, don't worry about that shit. Lance wouldn't ever, and we all want the same thing, man, don't worry."

Chris stands up and sits on Joey's lap. He grabs Joey's face and kisses him and then says, "I'm much more likely to french you on camera, pretty boy. They always put too much make-up on Justin, it'd be really gross."

Joey finally laughs. Because, of course, Chris makes it all right.

*

But then. He'd take anyone right now except his mom or JC. His mom would say 'I told you so,' he thinks. Not in words, but her tone, she would sigh and rub his hair and wouldn't even act surprised. And JC would be something, smug underneath it all. Like he won and it's not like that and maybe it's all in Justin's head anyway. Maybe JC really doesn't care anymore.

So, really, Joey or Lance and either would be fine. And it's Joey because that's the first door he finds at the hotel. Joey's alone and he just looks and pulls Justin half on his lap, half on the bed. Joey says, "Baby," and it's too sweet. Justin blinks and doesn't cry.

"We broke up," Justin says. Just like that and he wonders how bad tomorrow will be.

"Yeah," Joey says. "That sucks."

"We just. We were arguing again and he was like, he said maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. Because it wasn't working. Because we've been arguing a lot lately, since Lance got really sick, I think, though I don't. And he says I'm too clingy sometimes or something, that I don't. An' I tried to argue with him, because it was just. It wasn't like that, I thought, but." Justin closes his eyes and leans against Joey's shoulder.

"You can't really argue your way out of those, you know?" Joey says it softly but Justin's still pissed.

"Well, I don't know that. I don't see why that's true. I argued him into going out with me, you know?"

"You didn't, man, I get it, but. You didn't. You just both wanted it at the same time, you know? And now you both don't, because it's hard and you two never have time to, I dunno, back off or figure things out." Joey's still calm which seems really unfair.

"I guess." Justin shifts off Joey's lap and lies down on his side on the bed. Joey is sitting against his back, rubbing his hip. Justin says, "It's just. I know, we're not, I guess we weren't perfect or anything, but we could've. He just gave up."

Joey says, "You think you'll work it out? Get back together?"

"I don't think so, not now." Justin sighs and curls into a ball. "I don't get it. I just don't get it. I love him so much, I don't. Why isn't that enough?" Then he starts crying and Joey hugs him from behind and he falls asleep right there without ever taking off his shoes.

3. June 2002. At an after-party after something Justin only enjoyed a little, Justin looks up at the endless video screens and sees something new and immediately cool. Before the club was just playing the new Massive Attack DVD, but Justin got that before it came out, he'd already seen all the videos anyway. But this is different. Set to bland music, a diner and a girl with straight brown hair. Something about the camera angles, about the way the light hits her, Justin thinks the director thought the girl was platinum-plated bitch and loved her anyway. He wants that.

He asks the guy at the club who did the video, compulsively wiping his mouth.

Hernan Van-something-sen, Justin thinks he must be Dutch. Hernan looks Dutch with white blond hair and it's probably even natural but Justin finds out Hernan grew up in some rich suburb of DC. Hernan mentions this at their first meeting, the one that's just Justin, his assistant, Hernan, Trace and the bodyguard. Hernan comes off innocent of his own business, younger than his years. He's done a lot of things, working on films and now he's making shorts for clubs and he has some commercials coming out. Justin isn't the first musician to show up at his door, but he's the first with a major label contract and actual cash in his pocket.

Hernan perks up when Justin mentions the diner short. "That was Kate," he says, smiling. "We were at the diner back when I was in high school and I met Michael Stipe."

Meeting two goes well, even if Justin did bring along an A&R guy from the label. Hernan pushes up his wire-rimmed glasses and nods a lot and has a lot of ideas. He really wants to make a video for Justin. He agrees to the audition tape idea and says, "You don't even have to pay me, I'm just really intrigued." Then he laughs and says, "I shouldn't have said that, right?" He shouldn't have, but it's kind of cute.

Meeting three is the filming. No stage make-up at all, so Justin will look washed out, his color uneven and blotchy. Bags under his eyes. Faded t-shirt that might once have been dark blue and simple jeans. A&R guy, Trace, Justin's assistant, and a friend to help out Hernan and it only takes three hours for two minutes. Hernan's breath smells like vanilla mints.

They all come back three days later to see the finished product and everyone seems to genuinely like it. Even after they leave, Trace is still saying he thinks it looked really good, different and mature.

Meeting five Justin has his bodyguard wait outside the door. He talks a lot before because Hernan really seems quite the innocent and Justin likes situations straight up. Justin says the things like it's not part of the work, it's not another audition, it's separate. He has other people who will state the obvious later about not ever ever telling. Hernan nods again, amused and earnest.

Hernan is skinny but good in bed. Or good in chair, because they actually don't go back to Hernan's bedroom, they do it in the same room where he filmed Justin on a beat up chair Hernan's mother bought for him. When they're both naked, Hernan says, "God, you're so beautiful."

*

When Justin gets back to Orlando for a few days he shows the tape to Chris because he shows everything to Chris, eventually. He says, "You wanna see?"

Chris leans his head back on the couch and Justin remembers Chris in a hotel room, leaning back like that while JC dipped down to kiss him. Justin blinks and Chris is saying, "Sure, sure, pop it in."

Justin explains everything, repeats the story all over again and Chris nods. He's watching the screen and he says, "Wow." Then he says, "The director really wants to fuck you." Chris blinks and doesn't look away. He says it again, "The director really wants to fuck you."

Justin watches the camera move around him, sees a hint of the brown chair where they fucked five days later. He says, "Well, if the label agrees and we get a single and all that jazz, hopefully they'll let him make something for real. And it'll still look this nice even now that he has."

Chris is still staring. He says, "Maybe that wasn't --"

Justin says, "I know what I'm doing." Justin thinks the footage is different and mature. He's not smoothed out or made perfect, the t-shirt is just the right side of tight, the jeans just the right side of casual. A whole video of this would be really good.

Chris says, "Okay, you do." He watches the video for a little while.

After the third viewing Chris says, "I guess that works. You can't go wrong with everyone wanting to fuck you."

Justin says, "Worked so far, right?" He grins and pops the tape out.

*

Two days later, Chris says, "So are you dating director boy now?"

Hernan pretty much deserves his own entry as the perfect secret boyfriend in the handbook of the Secretly Barely Bi Pop Star. Hernan is actually bi, with real honest to God ex-girlfriends he can take to things. He's hip enough to get invited places and he wouldn't be out of place anywhere Justin goes. He's not that famous that anyone really cares about him enough to follow him. He's pretty discreet as he and Justin fucked three weeks ago and Justin hasn't even heard the usual blind item whispers. He's not that rich and therefore easier to buy off when things go sour. And he may be hip and indie, but if he's willing to make a video for Justin's songs, he's willing to take the money to buy his silence if things came to that.

Justin actually likes him. Hernan's a natural blond, naturally that white-blond color that looks like bleach. It seems symbolic of a lot of things to Justin. Hernan laughs at his own jokes and he's relaxed and calm. Even his bangs seem earnest and amused. Hernan would answer his phone promptly and make jokes when Justin called.

And Justin would like a boyfriend. He's been completely single now for three, maybe even four months since Britney. It really sucks. He wants someone to call and go places with, even if it is all discreet and closeted. He likes regular sex with someone he cares about.

The one time Lance and Justin had sex, after the break-up, Lance said Justin was pretty. Everyone else Justin has ever had sex with, male or female, has called him beautiful. Except Chris, who never used either word.

Justin shrugs. "I'm not interested in dating the director boy," he says.

*

Justin's in LA, Philadelphia, he's everywhere. He calls Chris. In the middle of some lengthy argument about how much the Nets really suck and bad officiating in the NBA, Chris says, "And then I got something else with JC coming up, I think."

"Oh," Justin says. "Cool." And back into the realm of the stupid. After Chris broke up with JC, he went out with Justin and then Dani. And JC's had Bobbie and other people, and even Justin had Britney. They all moved on, fell in love again or something like that. So it's stupid to think JC and Chris would end up together after all this time.

"Yeah, it should be fun." Chris says it casually.

*

When Justin gets back to Orlando briefly, he goes straight to Chris's house. Because Chris is still home, for a little bit before he sets out on his cross-country trip. So he sits on Chris's couch and watches ESPN while Chris putters around in the kitchen. Chris sits down next to him, hands Justin a cold beer. Justin watches him pop the tab and push the metal thingy inside against the top. Chris sucks on his own finger and watches the TV without saying anything.

Justin says, "So, you have fun on that thing, with JC?"

Chris shrugs, smiles. "Same-o, same-o. You heard about that girl grabbing C's ass? He went off." Chris sips on his beer. "On the other hand, JC's ass is well worth grabbing."

Justin thinks, taps his feet. Fuck this, he's not sixteen anymore. "Anything up with the two of you? Cause if there is, you should just tell me, okay? I'm your best friend and shit."

Chris looks over his glasses at Justin. He says, "Sounds like you're asking as my ex-boyfriend."

"Well, I'm both, so, you know, well?" Justin taps his fingers against the couch cushions so he doesn't cross his arms. If he crossed his arms, he'd look like he was pouting or something.

"Well, what? You know who I'm fucking. Nobody but my fine right hand. I should lie to you, man, just to watch you get all defensive and 'oh, no, I really don't care --'"

Justin says, "I do care. I wouldn't say that. I might be mildly defensive," and there Justin smiles, "But I wouldn't lie to you and say I didn't care. If you're gonna get back together with one of your ex-boyfriends, I think it should be me."

Chris puts his beer down. He takes off his glasses and rubs the lenses with his t-shirt. All this time, he still looks at Chris's pale stomach and he still wants. And now there isn't even Britney to distract and comfort him. Chris says, "You just playin' me now? Cause, you know, if that's an offer." Chris shrugs again.

"Why not?" Justin doesn't move because he has learned something.

Chris sighs. "Well, you know, stakes are a lot fucking higher now. And I don't mean the group, blah, blah. I mean, you know, we're best friends, man."

"We were friends before." Justin keeps his eyes on the TV. It's like he just thought of this, really, but it's not like it hasn't been in the back of his mind since things with Britney went south.

"We weren't really friends until after we broke up. You know that." Chris leans forward and changes the channel. ESPN2. It's a soccer game. He's right, of course, it's not like Justin doesn't know that before they went out, Justin was just a trailing annoyance, maybe, mostly. And they never even would have been friends either, if it hadn't been for the lawsuit.

"So." Justin licks his lips and then picks up his beer. He hadn't even opened it yet. He pops the tab and pushes the metal tab inside against the top. He sucks on his finger. He says, "So. So what? I'm just sayin'. Who better than your best friend to be with? It's not like you don't want to have sex with me."

"You're so fucking arrogant. Maybe, at some point, in the many years since we last had sex, I decided your pretty ass wasn't worth it. Maybe I've decided girls are the thing for me and you an' C were just an experiment." Chris finishes his beer and crumples the can.

"Please, you ain't just down with girls. Don't even try that shit with me. And I reiterate my question, what's so wrong about dating your best friend?"

Justin drinks a little beer and waits. Finally, Chris says, "Okay, you know what? It's a fucking risk. It's risking something that's pretty fucking important to me, which is to say, you. And being your friend. And the time we spend together. And I did that once, when you weren't half as important to me as you are now, and you were pretty important to me then, so. My point being, we have something good right now, as is. Why you want to fuck with that? Because you feel lost and adrift and yadda yadda yadda." Chris pushes Justin's shoulder. "What the fuck, how upset were you last time we broke up?"

Justin glares at Chris. Actually looks at him, and he's sitting on the couch, hands on his knees, glasses reflecting the light from the TV. Justin says, "I slept with Lance! I was very upset, you fuck."

"Sleeping with Lance will cure what ails you," Chris says, smirking. He meant the first question, Justin knows, wanted to remind Justin how much breaking up sucked last time, and now Chris just wants to change the subject. "Cause, you know, wow, I'm saying."

Justin sighs. "I was very upset. I was very very broken up by the end of us and you know that."

"Because Lance, man. That should've made you feel better. He's pretty amazing in bed. I have no idea why JC's never sampled that platter, but man." Chris pokes Justin's shoulder. "Man, you know."

Justin says, "Just checking, but you've slept with me, JC, and Lance, and when did you sleep with Lance, anyway? Are you going for a gold star?"

Chris laughs. "I've already got it, cause I did Joey, too. How you doing in that contest?"

"When did you ever do Joey?" Justin finishes his beer and crumples his beer can.

"Eh, back in the Universal days. Just once. I still think he did Lance when they were filming, no matter what those two say." Chris turns off the TV. "So, how you doing in that contest?"

"I was watching that, you know." Justin pauses. "Just you and Lance. And why the fuck do you care? Let's get back to the point. I was upset, you know it. But you know what? We make sense. We fuck like champs, we care about each other. Let's you know, let's get back together. Why not?"

Chris reaches over and puts his hand on Justin's shoulder. "Million reasons why not, man. We gonna make another record when you're done with this solo thing?"

"You know we are," Justin says. "I won't, I won't accept anything else."

"Yeah, you say that now." Chris's rubs Justin's shoulder and then shifts away, both his hands in his lap. "You promise?"

"I promise. I have promised. I will continue to promise. And it doesn't, I mean, whatever, that's whether or not we're sleeping together."

Chris snorts. "Yeah, that's good to know. Isn't this the part where you say you've loved me forever?"

"Isn't this the part where you already fucking know that?"

Chris says, "Yeah," softly. Justin looks over and Chris shakes his head. "Yeah, point taken, and I don't think it'll work and I'd rather have you as my best friend than my ex-boyfriend running off to do his solo work and never coming back to us." Justin opens his mouth to say more, but Chris turns the TV back on and hunkers down in front of the Playstation. "Fuck soccer, let's fucking play this, okay?"

*

The power of suggestion, Justin thinks. Two days before, he'd mentioned sex, and now he leans over on Chris's couch again and kisses Chris. And Chris kisses him back. Chris even reaches up and holds Justin's face, his palms still soft. Justin says quietly, "Look, see --"

Chris kisses him again, more tongue this time. Justin feels like he's sixteen again, checking things off that he's done, except everything he wanted to do then, he's already done. He did everything with Chris and that was when it mattered the most. Chris says, "Why don't we, after, okay? Been a while, you know," and he laughs.

"We should talk after because you wanna get laid?" Justin pushes Chris back against the couch. "That's pathetic. It's a good thing I'm so fucking hot for you."

Chris pulls Justin down on top of him and says, "You're really smart. You have good taste. And this is veering into actual talking, and I want to wait. Until after."

Justin nods and they go back to kissing. He was eighteen the last time they did this, and Justin wonders if he's gotten better. He should ask after, maybe.

They kiss and Chris brings up his leg, rubs the back of Justin's calf. Kissing and Chris's sock against Justin's bare leg. He's thankful he wore shorts. Justin shifts and braces himself on one hand. Moves the other one up under Chris's shirt, his soft, pale stomach under Justin's hand. Justin pushes up Chris's shirt and sits up. "I'll keep this short, because, I know, no talking. Naked. Better naked." He grins and pulls off his t-shirt.

Chris pulls off his t-shirt and Justin unzips Chris's jeans, opens them and reaches in. He wraps his hand around Chris's dick, hard already and Chris sighs. He thrusts up and says, "Now at least you believe in foreplay."

Justin mutters "Fuck you," and his hand is up and down, fast, and Chris doesn't say anything more. He bites his lip and Justin watches his face. Chris's dick is hard and thick and it feels right in Justin's hand. He leans and kisses Chris. Chris kisses back, pulls him closer. Chris reaches around, grips Justin's ass, pushing his shorts down. And it's like that, kissing over and over again and they're both finally naked, pants down and kicked away. Naked and dicks rubbing against each other and it's so fucking good. The room is warm, the sun coming in from the windows and the couch is soft and Chris is moaning, just a little. Fucking heaven.

Chris claws at Justin's ass, and Justin thrusts again. He says, "You got?"

Chris closes his eyes. "Not in this room."

Justin says, "Okay then, something else it is." If they leave the couch, one of them will chicken out and Justin's hard, and on fire and he wants this now. He moves off the couch, just a little and puts his mouth around the tip of Chris's dick, hand at the base.

Chris shudders, says, "Motherfucker." Justin gets to his task, his wonderful, exciting task. Suck and lick and he uses his hands and he takes it all in. He can take it all, he wants it all. He reaches down to touch himself and Chris's foot pushes against his knee. Chris says, "Don't you dare."

His mouth is stretched wide and if he could, he'd swallow all of Chris. It's kinda sick, maybe, but it's also love, so. When Chris comes, he keeps sucking and swallowing because it's just so good.

Chris hauls him up by his arm. He says, "Get up here." Chris puts his hand over Justin's mouth, says, "I love your mouth." And this part is easy to remember so Justin opens his mouth and Chris offers one, two and three fingers and yeah, sucking again. Justin's mouth feels used and he loves it.

Right there, face to face, kissing, and Justin raises his leg and Chris's fingers are moving, pushing. Chris has his other hand on Justin's dick and it's just hot. Not really just anything, really, because Chris's fingers keep hitting right there and Chris's other hand squeezes only a little, only the right amount. He just wants to spend the rest of his life on Chris's couch, doing this or just kissing. Just kissing would be okay, the press of Chris's lips against his and Chris's beard scratching against his chin and just the two of them.

But this is amazing, the way Chris touches him, front and back and he comes and says, "Chris," while he tries to breathe. And it feels like home, he thinks, with Chris pressed against him, slow breaths against his neck.

He wakes up and Chris is still there, next to him. Justin strokes Chris's back, kisses his shoulder. Chris doesn't wake up. Justin looks at his watch and fuck. Fuck. He gets up and grabs his clothes and starts dressing. Chris is still asleep. Justin has actual things he's supposed to do, he's not running.

He sighs and finds a piece of paper, a receipt from Blockbuster, for fuck's sake. Justin writes a message for Chris about he has these actual meetings and he's not running away and Chris needs to call him as soon as he wakes up, signs it 'love, J' and puts it right next to Chris's head on the couch. He has to go, he has this meeting. He says, "fuck," too quiet to wake up Chris and leaves.

*

Chris doesn't call. The next morning, Justin calls him. Twice. No answer. He leaves simple messages: "It's me, call me, okay?" It's dinner time and it's been twenty-four hours since they had sex on Chris's couch so Justin calls Joey. "Yo, have you talked to Chris?"

Joey says, "For like fifteen seconds this morning, man. He decided to do the whole trek across the country, leave early or something. So he called and said he was going." Joey pauses. "He didn't tell you that, huh?"

When Justin checks his email, he has one from Chris. Sent this morning, and all it says is "Yo, hitting the road. I've gone to look for America." The email is titled "Michigan seems like a dream to me now."

"Fucker." Justin calls Chris again, gets his voicemail again. Justin says, "Look, you fucker, I had actual things to do, I can send you my fucking itinerary and I have all the notes from the meeting. I was not running away and you should return my calls and not send me chickenshit emails quoting goddamn Simon and Garfunkel songs like nothing happened."

Chris doesn't call back that night.

*

Justin calls Lance at 4 am because, really, why not? He misses Lance, and here he is with something to tell. Lance says, "What, dude, why are you calling me?"

"I miss you." Justin yawns. "Also, I can't sleep."

"Oh, my heart is warm now. How are you?"

Justin sighs. "So, Chris and I were sort of talking about getting back together and then we had sex and then he went on his trip thing early and sent me this chickenshit email and won't return my calls."

Lance snorts. "Wow. See, I don't know if you were calling for advice, but if I were you, I would get in my car and I'd go after him. I'd do the whole last ten minutes of the Graduate thing, you know? Drive until your car breaks down, run until your feet are bleeding. Go after him, young man."

Justin yawns again but he sits up. "Is that what you would do?"

"Me? If it were me? I've only slept with Chris once and it was nice and all, but really, I'd let him run away. This would be because I'm not in love with him and he's not in love with me." Lance makes a noise. "Anything else, man, I gotta run."

"No, thanks for the advice." Justin bites his lip. "I really do miss you."

"You're sweet. I miss you, too. But get off the phone with me and go after Chris. You know, apologize, run until your feet bleed, have at that thing." Lance laughs. "Seriously, go, do."

"I don't think I have anything to apologize for." Justin might be whining. But it's 4 am.

"Oh, who cares? He might think you do. It's always a good way to start with these things." Lance makes another noise, maybe a snort. Then he says, "Seriously, I have to go."

"Why am I taking relationship advice from you? You have horrible taste in men except for JC and he never wanted you and none of your relationships ever last." Justin flinches because that was maybe not the best thing to say. But he didn't do anything wrong.

"Well, aren't you the sweetest thing. My goodness, Justin, please call me more often and call me names. Look, dickwad, maybe my personal life doesn't fit your mold of perfect love but I am at this point okay with it, and I know you and I know Chris. So listen or not, but I've got actual things and I'm going now."

"Wait, wait. Sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. Thank you for your advice." Lance says 'bye' and doesn't sound too mad. And it's 4 am so he falls asleep before he can call Chris.

*

He calls Chris as soon as he wakes up, which turns out to be around noon. No answer again. So either Chris is screening his calls or he's turned off his cell. Fucker. Justin needs to leave for LA in two hours. So he leaves a message. He says, "Look, I don't know what you think here. I had an actual thing to do. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you think I was running away or something, and maybe I should've woken you up, but. I'm sorry and you should call me."

No answer that night, but he has another email. This one's titled "It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw" and all it says is, "I get it. You're sorry. I should call you." Unsigned. Nothing else. Fucker.

He doesn't call, though. He doesn't call the next morning and Justin has two or three things to do, so he has to wait until noon to get five minutes away. "Okay, here's the thing. I don't get you. You're worried about damaging our friendship? This is damaging our friendship. Shouldn't we at least get sex out of this?"

Two hours later, no new messages. So he calls again. "Look, I feel like that guy in Swingers, except, you know, he was all freaking scared of dating someone new and I'm just trying to get you to answer my calls and you know, talk to me. Swingers was a really good movie, though, and you should call me. Because you know what? I love you and I'm not scared at all."

No answer, no answer. That night he doesn't even have an email. He calls again. "Okay, so, um, I'm gonna make this two messages. You remember, or you might not, but I do. When I was fourteen, you were talking about Bruce Springsteen, and you said that Springsteen could only sing, like, three or four notes but he wrote all his songs so he wrote his songs just in those notes. You told me that. And I remember. And also, I love you and you should call me back."

Then he calls back and he sings "My Love Will Not Let You Down," or really, just the last verse and the chorus. He does it from memory and he says at the end, "Okay, I may have left out some of the 'loves' there, because there's a lot of. There's a lot of love, and I mean that part, too."

No answer. He hates it but he doesn't know what to do. He decides to lay off for a day or two. He thinks he might last two days. It doesn't work, no email and no calls. He's officially depressed.

*

He hasn't heard from Chris in three days. He's staying at JC's house in LA, because his house in LA is now Britney's and he doesn't want to be in another hotel. He's sitting in the sterile living room waiting on a call when Chris walks in.

"Oh, hey," Justin says. He's shooting for casual. He's not sure he gets there.

"Yeah. I thought about calling you." Chris sits down next to him. He says, "These couches are really ugly. And also, uncomfortable. I don't get C's designer taste, sometimes, you know?"

Justin says, "Yeah. Fuck you."

"You're pissed, huh?" Chris sounds casual. He's much better at it than Justin. "I thought your love wouldn't let me down, or something."

"Oh, nice. Fucking make fun of me. I had an actual thing to do, I wasn't running away and you just stop talking to me for a week. And then you just come in here and complain about JC's couches?" Justin crosses his arms.

"How's the recording going?" Chris is still more successful at the casual thing.

"It's going fine. Also, fuck you."

"How is it compared to recording with us?" Chris suddenly sounds less casual.

"Well, huh. None of y'all are there. So there's that. My best friend hasn't been calling me for a week because we had pretty good sex and he went all chickenshit on me. By the way, fuck you. And, you know, it's been kinda fun. Except for the part where you weren't calling me. Fuck you." Justin toes off his sneakers for lack of anything better to do.

"Huh, do you want to say something to me? Like 'fuck you', maybe? Cause I'm getting that impression." Chris bumps Justin's knee with his own and Justin moves his legs so they're resting on the ugly armrest of the ugly couch.

"It's pretty funny to you, huh? Like, whatever. I tried. You're all Mr. Running Away and no apology and what the fuck are you trying to accomplish here with your little jokes and shit? And, also, fuck you."

Chris sighs. "You left because you had a thing. Your solo thing. Which, for the record, I have said, and still say, I think is a good idea. I think you should do it. You've waited and this is a good time and you should do it. But, you know, you promise and promise and I believe you, but you know, if it does well, and it's you, so I think it will do well and the record company will keep you on the road and." Chris pauses. "You promise things, and I believe you, man, but. Anyway, you left me a fucking note. Because you had a meeting. So, you know, I reserve the right to be slightly pissed."

"I apologized for that." Justin moves his legs back. "I did apologize for that. I don't know what you want me to do about the other stuff. And you know what? I still win. Because you didn't call me for a week."

"Yeah, you know, I needed to think. And thank you for not ending a sentence with fuck you, finally." Chris puts his hand on Justin's thigh. His hand is warm.

"Fuck you." Justin almost grins.

Chris squeezes his thigh. "Look. Okay? You and me got crappy timing. This ain't the time for us. I really don't think it is. You got these things. I got an RV and a trip across the country. So, you know."

"Joey told me once, you can't argue people into things like this. But you know, I think you're wrong. So, I'm gonna argue. Fuck timing. This time is right. You got a bee in your bonnet or whatever about our future? I don't. And it's me you're worried about, so fuck that. Put that aside. I promise, I swear, I vow that this ain't the end of anything, not now, not, like, ever. I don't know what the record company thinks, but I know what I think. Getting back to your previous objections, the fact that we are now better friends, that we're best friends? It's a good thing. I know you, you know me, we're like, perfect for each other. And also, fuck you." Justin turns and puts his hand on Chris's cheek.

Chris doesn't move. "Yeah, you know, I freaked. So really, fuck you. I get that you've put me on some pedestal of Chris is the greatest ever, but I'm not perfect. I'm a scaredy-cat sometimes. You scare me. Sometimes. So, you know. There's that."

"I don't think you're the greatest ever or perfect. I think, really, that you're the greatest guy in the world for me. And you're pretty fucking far from perfect but you're perfect for me." Justin moves his palm across Chris's cheek. Soft. He's always surprised about the parts of Chris that are soft.

Chris doesn't really say anything and maybe Joey was right. Chris shakes off Justin's hand and leans forward. He picks up the DVD case on the ugly glass table in front of the couch. He lifts it up and looks at it. "Holy fuck," he says. "Where did you -- are these yours?"

Justin rubs his eyes. "They're mine, but I bought 'em for you. I was gonna watch 'em first, you know. See what all the hype is about."

"Dude, it's Starblazers. On DVD. And Robotech." Chris starts looking at all the DVDs on the table. "Holy fuck, you got 'em all."

"I'm rich and famous, you know. I can find these things. Also, I logged onto Amazon and did a Google search for the other stuff. You said they were great, so." Justin sighs.

"When did I say that? When did I tell you about this?"

"When I was sixteen. In Germany." Justin shakes his head and leans forward. "They're for you, man, you can take 'em. I just wanted to watch 'em first. You know, so we could talk about them."

"God," Chris says. He turns and looks at Justin. "I'm kind of stupid, aren't I?"

Justin shrugs. He has no idea what Chris is talking about.

"No, seriously, I'm stupid. I'm a little stupid. Not only do I have Justin Timberlake, international hottie and People certified Most Eligible Bachelor throwing himself at me, not just that. You're also, like, almost sweet. Have I said anything to you in the last ten years or so that you don't remember?" Chris is grinning.

Justin tries not to smile back. "A lot of things. I'm not psychotic, man. Just, you know, in love with you. So, so when you're actually paying attention to me, I remember."

"I pay a lot of attention to you, Justin." Chris goes back to looking at the DVDs.

"Not so much before. I mean, when I was sixteen or so. And, right, like the last week. So there, not so much paying attention to me." Justin leans back against the couch and then sits forward. He rubs Chris's back because he can.

Chris turns around again. Surges forward and kisses Justin. Justin says, "Um. Buying DVDs of cartoons you used to like is all this took? Because I bought these for you two weeks ago."

Chris grins, "No, you fuckhead. Buying these things, remembering that I said I liked them, you called me up and sang Springsteen, and also, you made an eloquent argument. Plus, sort of relatedly? That was really good sex. Back on my couch. Like, best sex I've had in a while."

"Uh, okay. So you know, you love me, you want me, let's jump back in this?" Justin can't help himself, brings up his leg to cover Chris's side.

"Yeah. All of the above. For the record, I love you. Let's fuck like bunnies. A lot. Let me keep you from the studio during the whole hiatus, or you know, just once in a while. I'll be your boyfriend, because you know, I'm perfect for you. But, one thing?"

Justin says, "Yeah?"

"Can we watch just one of those Robotech DVDs before we fuck?"

Justin laughs and pushes Chris away. "Yes, you big fuckhead. But just one."

THE END.

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