NOTES AND DISCLAIMERS: All made up. For entertainment only. Pretty pretty lies about which we know nothing. Thanks to Katie. For Georgina's birthday, because she rocks.

BREAK A LEG

Nick knew he wouldn't get the part when the casting director described the female star as a real "Vanessa Marcil" type. Nick thought, "Married to Corey Feldman?" But he just smiled and gave up.

Nick knew how he looked with short, skinny women like that. He'd been told often enough.

The casting director said she'd be back in fifteen minutes and Nick settled into the couch. He could just leave now. But he'd get a reputation and someday in his lifetime, Sigourney Weaver would be in a movie where she had a much younger lover and Nick would be just about perfect. So he didn't want to piss anyone off. Nick went quietly to the waiting room.

Nick tapped his script against his knee. It was a stupid script anyway and he didn't want the part very much, but he didn't think that was really the point. Big and bulky and these little girls always made him feel like he was lumbering across the stage.

The door opened and Nick figured it would be another of those model-turned-actor guys. The type that got discovered walking his dog in the park or buying detergent on a Thursday afternoon and gets a one-way ticket to stardom. The type that didn't have to work for it.

Nick looked up, prepared to sneer. It was Justin Timberlake. Justin was a legitimate actor. Justin probably never lumbered anywhere.

Justin grinned, friendly to a tee. He said, "Nick! Hey." He reached out his hand. Nick shook his hand and thought about his mother, lecturing him about the best way to grip, to make a good impression. Justin made a good impression.

Justin said, "Think either of us have a chance?"

Nick shrugged. "Dunno. They've already cast the girl. It's gonna be that girl from that Nickelodeon show. The skinny one on the detective show."

Justin sighed and sat down. Nick wasn't sure why that would upset Justin. Justin was skinny and he looked good with every variant of Vanessa Marcil out there. Nick would need surgery to get that kind of waist. Nick sighed. He said, "Why are you doing pilot season? You have great stories."

"So do you, man. Four days a week."

Nick unfolded his script and then folded it the other way. "My agent thought it would be a good idea to get my face out there and stuff. Plus, you don't have to work as hard on a sitcom."

Justin laughed. "True, true. Last week I had to memorize ninety pages of dialogue. And that was just for Friday's show! But, you know, comedic timing and all that. It's harder to make somebody laugh than it is to make somebody cry." He said it seriously and Nick thought it must have been something he read in an acting book.

"Either way, it's worth a try." Nick looked at Justin and Justin smiled.

"Definitely."

Nick couldn't think of anything else to say. Justin kept playing with his script and Nick was starting to feel that they now had an awkward pause. So he said, "Those're nice sneakers."

Justin grinned and leaned over. "Dude, they so are. You have any? These things are fucking awesome."

Nick shook his head. "Yeah? Tell me." Another thing his mother had told him: ask people about the things they love and nod encouragingly and they'll love you more. It amazed Nick that she knew so much about charming and so little about being nice.

Justin was waving his hands, pointing out features and talking like a house on fire. Nick nodded in the right places and made himself look very interested in sneakers. It wasn't uninteresting. And Justin was even more attractive when he was all happy like this.

Nick tried to not flinch as he thought attractive.

"Do you have any of these?" Justin asked, gesturing to his shoes.

Nick shook his head and thought, focus on the sneakers, just focus on the sneakers. "No. I mean, I have some sneakers, but I don't have any like that."

"We should get you some!" Justin clapped Nick on the back. "There's a sale at this outlet in the Valley that I love, I got these there, I get all of my sneakers there, man. There's a sale right now and it's not over until Sunday."

Nick listened to what Justin said and tried to remind himself that odds were good, Timberlake did not just ask him out on a date, he just wanted more shoes. "When were you gonna go?"

"Tomorrow." Justin ripped a corner off his script and scribbled directions on it. He handed the directions to Nick. "We should get there early, man, before things are all picked over and stuff."

The door opened again and it was the casting director. She called Nick's name and Nick stood up.

Justin grinned at him. "Good luck, man."

"You, too," Nick said, unfolding his script. "See you tomorrow."

Nick didn't get the part.

He sat in his car the next morning and tried to decide whether he was going to actually go or not. Nick had a personal trainer and he counted calories, he prayed near every night that his new love interest would in no way resemble Vanessa Marcil, he had a list of things to worry about that was short but always pressing. Don't get fat again, don't listen to his mother ever again, and keep his job. And while this was just buying sneakers with the golden boy of Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Nick had a tight feeling in his chest like it was something more. He didn't need to add to his list.

Howie had noticed sometime before Nick got fired and rehired that sometimes Nick looked. Looked at Kevin too much, really, that had been Nick's mistake. So Howie had pulled Nick into Nick's dressing room and tried to have the talk. The "It's okay to be gay" talk. Nick hadn't enjoyed that one the first time and he still didn't enjoy it now, when he'd been hearing it from Howie for almost three years.

It was perfectly okay to be gay. But it wasn't something Nick could handle right now. Maybe not ever while he was working for Dreams of Love. His job was not safe. It was not ever safe. And he'd been doing this job since he was ten and that was 12 years of being Cameron Blair. It didn't look like he'd ever be hired to do anything else.

Nick bit his lip and thought about Justin's hands. He hadn't meant to do that. Justin had big hands, long fingers and nice shoulders. Justin looked nice. Nick hit his head against the steering wheel and turned the car on.
 
At least it was a nice day, weather-wise. Nick drove with the windows down and Journey playing loudly. He sang along and tried as best he could not to think about Justin's body at all.

There wasn't much traffic for a Saturday, either. Nick actually made it to the sneaker outlet a little early.

He went inside and wow, there were a lot of shoes. Sneakers from floor to ceiling. Nick could see why Justin liked it so much.

"Hey, man!"

Nick turned around and there Justin was. He looked beautiful. Nick sighed. "What's up?"

Justin pulled Nick into a quick hug and then pulled back. "I hope you weren't waiting too long."

"Nope." Nick shoved his hands into his pockets. "I just got here."

Nick followed Justin around as Justin picked up sneakers and gave a mini-lecture about each one. He reached over and touched Nick's arm each time. Once, his hand lingered. Justin looked up and held Nick's gaze for a minute. Nick flushed.

"Um, I guess I should buy something." Nick swallowed. That came out stupid.

"Totally. This is the place." Justin started grabbing shoes and shoving them at Nick. "These are all great, man. I mean, do you work out or play something or uh, um."

Justin was nervous. Nick took a step back and thought, wow. He'd made Justin nervous. Probably just because Nick seemed so nervous himself. Nick took a deep breath and said, "Basketball. I play basketball sometimes. And I work out. I have a treadmill in my dressing room." When Nick got rehired, they gave him his own dressing room, big and clean. And the treadmill right in the corner, new and gleaming.

Justin nodded. "Cool. I go to a gym. I used to have a personal trainer." Justin frowned. "Anyway. Basketball." Justin grabbed Nick's wrist, his fingers warm against the pulse and dragged Nick to a different corner.

"What color do you like?" Justin was still holding Nick's wrist.

"Um, white."

Justin nodded. "White! Okay." His hand slid down Nick's wrist a little and pressed his fingers into Nick's palm. Justin Timberlake was trying to hold his hand in the middle of a sneaker outlet. Nick glanced around briefly but didn't see anyone watching them and besides, he figured there wasn't a lot of overlap between insane designer sneaker fans and soap fans. He spread his fingers a little to let Justin's slide through.

"Now," Justin said, squeezing Nick's hand slightly and pulling him closer to the shelves. "These all have stripes on them, see? What color stripes do you like?"

"Blue." Justin let go to select a pair and Nick furtively wiped his hand. He'd been sweating.

They bought sneakers, Nick the pair that Justin picked out and Justin bought two others besides. As they walked out, Justin said, "Hey, um. You wanna get something to eat?"

Nick thought, no but he nodded his head anyway. Justin said, "We could, uh, how about pizza at my place?"

"Cool." Nick would need to log double his normal time on the treadmill to make up for it, but Justin was smiling at him, it was pretty hard to say no.

Justin gave Nick directions and Nick followed Justin's silver BMW on highways and crowded streets back to Justin's apartment. Justin parked in the garage and then came out. "You can park on the other side, I have both spots." Nick pulled into the other side of the garage and followed Justin inside.

"See, it's a duplex. The bottom one is empty. I've been, you know, thinking about buying it. I dunno. It'd be a good investment." Justin unlocked the door and held the door so Nick could walk in.

"You don't, um. Is this an intentional look?" The place looked nearly empty. Barely any furniture, almost nothing on the walls.

Justin shrugged. He walked over to the phone on the wall and took it down. "Brit took half when she moved out."

Nick nodded and sat down on the couch. Justin ordered the pizza, looking over to Nick for a thumbs up or down on the toppings. Justin sat down next to Nick and said, "I mean, I need to replace things. I used to have a coffee table, dining room table. A chair."

"But she doesn't have a couch, so you did okay." Nick giggled.

"Yeah, I think she bought one. She was in People last week and she had a pretty nice couch."

"Oh." Nick felt really stupid. "I -- sorry, I was trying to be funny."

"No, no, I'm sorry." Justin looked at Nick and cocked his head. "That was my fault. You were funny."

He leaned forward and kissed Nick. It was nice. It was more than nice. Justin put his hands on Nick's neck and it was warm, so warm. They fit; Justin was just about the right size. Nick didn't feel big or weird or lumbering. He felt right.

Nick pulled back. "Oh. Hey, um, I should go. I've got -- I'm sorry."

Justin looked down. "No, it's fine. It's, okay, you gotta go. Sorry."

"No, no." Nick stood up and patted his jeans. He tugged on his jeans to hide his hard-on. "No, I'm sorry. I just remembered. I have to, my mother. I just remembered."

Justin nodded. "No, it's fine."

"Um, I should give you money for the pizza. I mean, you ordered more because I was here. Or thought I would be here." Nick found a twenty in his wallet and put it down on the couch. "Here, okay? I'm sorry. I gotta go."

Justin said, "It's fine. You should leave now." He was staring at the floor.

Nick said, "Bye."

Nick tried not to run to his car. He pulled out of his parking space and drove home as fast as he could, but by the time he turned onto his street, he couldn't remember why he was in such a hurry.

He was almost to his house when his phone rang. Nick worried for a moment then realized that Justin didn't have his number, so he answered the phone. It was Brian.

"What's up? I tried to call you before but you weren't home."

Nick pulled into his driveway but didn't get out of the car. "I was shopping. Um, shoes. Did something happen?"

"No, no, I just wanted to see if you wanted to come over." Brian laughed. "Leighanne's at her parents' this weekend. I thought we could grill some burgers or something and play some basketball. You can break in your new shoes! Did you get sneakers?"

Nick winced. "Um, sure. Sounds good." Nick hung up and backed out of his driveway.

Brian was the nicest guy in the world. Ever. He was Nick's best friend and had been ever since Brian started on the show. Nick followed Brian into the yard in the back. The grill was already going. Nick said, "Bri, I got. I had a question."

Brian cocked his head and looked up at Nick. "You know it. Fire away."

"I was. Okay, someone kissed me today. I mean, a guy." Nick kicked at the grass.

"Yeah? Waiting for the question, Nick." Brian smiled and stepped closer. "Come over here, sit on the bench."

Brian had a nice house. He'd been a romantic lead on the show since he was eighteen. He was always popular, everybody loved him, and his character was as nice as Brian, except Brian was more fun. Nick sighed. Brian went to church every Sunday and didn't even like to curse. Nick hoped he wasn't about to get thrown out of his best friend's house.

Brian said, "Are you feeling bad about this? Did you not want him to kiss you?"

Nick looked at his hands. "I did. Sorry, I did. But then I left."

"Why? Does he have a boyfriend?" Brian nudged Nick. "Because if he has a boyfriend, you were right to leave."

Nick turned and stared at Brian. "You're not freaked out?"

"Nick." Brian rolled his eyes. "Nick, love is love. The most important thing is love. Is he a nice guy? Is he better than Mandy? That's the question you should be asking yourself. Are you asking something else?"

"I. I'm not asking myself anything. I'm just. I've never done that before."

"Nicky." Brian nudged Nick again. "Well. Look. People are people, we love whom we love. That's never wrong. You know?" Brian stood up. "Do you think it's wrong? Wanting a boy to kiss you?"

Nick rubbed his head. "Maybe. I think the show would be really pissed if I had a boyfriend."

"The show isn't your life. If you try to make the show happy, you'll never make you happy." Brian smiled. "Nick, come on. You can't trust the show. The show screwed you over once, and you can't trust it, and you know? Don't, you know, don't give something that's so, well, sucky, power over you. You're a great actor, you're totally hot." Brian laughed. "Fuck the show."

"Fuck the show?" Nick laughed. "Man, you said fuck!"

"I meant it. Nick, I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep saying your name like this is some stupid scene on the show. Nick." Brian tugged on his hair. "I had a boyfriend once."

"You? You had a boyfriend?" Nick almost fell off the bench but he stopped himself.

"I did. I did. Before Leighanne, of course. But I loved him and it didn't work out and then there was Leighanne. But, yeah. I mean, I don't know, I thought you California guys were supposed to be more sophisticated." Brian grinned.

Nick grinned, too. "Yeah, but you're from Kentucky."

"I mean it. You know. But it's, if it's not something you're comfortable with, you shouldn't be doing it." Brian looked at Nick. "That's not fair to the guy who kissed you. It's worth examining, you know, thinking about why you're not comfortable. Is it the specific guy? Is it guys in general? Or is it something else?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah. You're right. You're smart and right and a really good friend. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Brian grinned again and stood up. "I'm also hungry. You want cheese on your burger?"

When Nick got home from Brian's, he looked down at his phone. He didn't have Justin's number. Nick sighed. Something to sleep on.

When he got to work on Monday morning, he found Howie. "Hey, man, can you get me Justin Timberlake's number?"

Howie laughed. "I could. But why not just walk across the lot?"

Nick sighed. "You know, we ran into each other, I acted like an ass, he might, you know, punch me or something. Or refuse to talk to me. I thought, you know, soften him up with a phone call."

Howie nodded. "Okay, give me an hour."

Nick did two scenes in an hour and a half. Howie found him in his dressing room. "Took me ten phone calls, man, he's a tough nut to crack."

"Really?"

Howie laughed again. "No, I just called Chris, man, we used to be roommates."

Nick took the phone and walked out onto the lot. He didn't see Justin milling around smoking outside Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow's door, so it was probably safe to call. Not that Justin smoked, but Nick was grasping at straws. He dialed the number and tapped his fingers against the wall through two rings. He rehearsed his message for when he got the voice mail. Then Justin, stupid fucker, answered. "Hello?"

"Um, it's Nick! Nick Carter. From Dreams of Love."

"We've met." Justin sounded kind of distracted. Or mad. Probably mad. "Did you need something?"

"I just." Nick squatted against the wall and then stood up again quickly. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean -- "

Justin cut him off. "Don't worry about it."

"I really am, though. Sorry, I mean."

"Look, I have to be on the set in a couple of minutes." Justin paused. "Can I call you back?"

"Do you, do you have my number?"

Justin sighed. "I have caller ID on my phone. Logs the number automatically and all that."

Nick said, "Okay. I'll talk to you later. Have a good scene." He broke the connection and stared at his phone. He felt really stupid.

He did a crappy transitional scene that had the director glaring at him. Nick went back to his dressing room and turned on his treadmill. He kept going and going and his shirt was soaked with sweat. Someone said, "Hey!" and Nick didn't look up. He grunted and kept running.

Justin was standing in front of him. "Hey," Justin said again. He looked pissed.

Nick slapped the stop button and grabbed the towel hanging on the top of the treadmill. He rubbed his face. "Hey."

"Have a good scene? How long have you been acting? I screwed up my scene. You wished me good luck, fuckhead."

"I meant to say break a leg. Or something."

Justin sighed. "So, you don't kiss a lot of guys, do you?"

Nick glanced at the door to make sure it was closed. He said, "I've never. Before you."

Justin's eyes went wide. "Oh. Huh. So."

"But I'd like. I'd like to do it again." Nick pressed his lips together and said a little prayer. Brian was probably on better terms with God and Brian thought it was okay, so maybe prayer would work.

Justin stared at him. Then he said, "Do it again. Yeah. We can do that. We can. No more freaking out?"

Nick nodded his head. "I'll try. You know, sometimes, new things. But I promise to, uh, tell you."

Justin pulled open Nick's mini-fridge and handed him a bottle of water. "Okay."

*

They ended up going furniture shopping the next night. They went to some trendy open-air market and Justin bought a couple of end tables and one really cool lamp. He also bought some fountain thing that Nick didn't like nearly as well as the lamp.

"How the hell are we gonna get this home?" Nick asked.

"Paul McCrane -- he plays my father -- I borrowed his truck," Justin said, grinning. "The hard part's gonna be making sure everything doesn't bang together in the back, on the way home."

They got everything back to Justin's fine and carried it inside. Nick tried really hard not to get sweaty or winded when they were carrying the fountain. It was really heavy, but Justin looked like he probably could have carried it in himself.

They set everything up and the apartment looked less like a showcase. Justin tossed Nick a bottle of water and sat next to him on the couch.

Nick said, "She took half your stuff?"

"And slept with our personal trainer and from the moment we moved in together, she was auditioning for other parts." Justin stared straight ahead. "She really liked shows filming in New York. She loved those."

Nick sighed. "My last girlfriend dumped me when I got fired from Dreams of Love."

"Mandy was a bitch. You know? I met her once, at the Soap Opera Digest Awards. She was way not good enough for you."

But she was tall and she didn't make him look bad. "Do you ever watch Britney's show?"

"Yeah, every week. It sucks. She's the only good thing on it."

Nick looked over at Justin, sweating, beautiful Justin. Nick wouldn't've dumped him for a show in New York, even a big hit show in New York. He shuddered and said, "Well, you know. I, uh, there must have been some good parts."

"Oh, yeah. I mean, the relationship wasn't all bad. It just ended really really badly. Sometimes we even talk now and not just about how I need to send her more shit from this place." Justin grinned. It wasn't what Nick meant, but he didn't feel like looking stupid again. Justin said, "You, really, no boyfriends, no playing around?"

Nick shook his head. Justin smiled wider. "Oh, then this will be fun for you. Really. You've no idea. Let's go to the bedroom. I got to keep the bed."

Nick said, "Um," and thought, "oh, fuck." He didn't want Justin to see him naked. He knew he was good at sex, but Justin's body seemed like it would be out of this world and Nick didn't want to feel ugly. He didn't want Justin to think he was ugly.

But Justin stood up and took Nick's hand, so Nick stood up and followed. Justin gestured for Nick to sit on the bed and when he did, Justin kissed him. He put his hands in Nick's hair and then dipped his fingers down a little to play below Nick's collar. Kissing Justin again was wonderful and for a second, Nick forgot to freak out at all.

Then Justin slid down in front of Nick and started messing with Nick's zipper. Nick put his hand on Justin's chin to kiss him again but Justin smiled. "Nope. Nope. This first."

He got Nick's zipper undone and of course, Nick wasn't wearing any underwear. He hoped Justin wouldn't think he had expected this, because he hadn't, it was just that he only wore underwear when he was on-set. But Justin pulled Nick's dick out and grinned and suddenly Nick didn't feel so bad.

It wasn't that Nick had never gotten a blowjob before. Mandy liked to do it, or so she claimed, and he'd had other girls besides her. But there was something different and ten times hotter about Justin's red mouth and the way his head bobbed up and down and his tongue. Nick came just from that, his pants open, Justin's hand just cupping his balls.

Nick laid back on the bed and rubbed his forehead. "That was really nice."

Justin was lying next to him with a happy smile. "Oh, there's more, man, there's really, we have lots of fun things to do."

*

Monday, Nick only ran on the treadmill for ten minutes. Sex burned a lot of calories and especially with Justin. Howie poked his head in the door and said, "Hey, Nick, what's up?"

Nick said, "Man, come in, I got this thing I got to tell you."

Howie walked into Nick's dressing room and closed the door. "Is it about Justin Timberlake?"

Nick blushed a little but figured he could blame it on the treadmill. "Why did you ask that?"

"Well, you asked me to get his number the other day. I just figured." Howie smiled his wide, sweet Howie smile. "So what's going on?"

"Well." Nick wiped his face with the towel and hung it back over the handgrips of the treadmill. "We're seeing each other, I guess."

Howie smiled even wider. "You guess?"

"I mean, we are. We are. We're seeing each other."

Howie was grinning so much, Nick thought his face was gonna freeze like that. "Justin's your boyfriend?"

Nick shook his head. "No! I mean, no, he's not my boyfriend, we're just seeing each other. Dating or whatever. Having sex and stuff. And I wanted to tell you that."

"Having sex?" Howie almost squealed. Then he looked serious. "Are you being safe? You know what I mean by safe, right?"

Nick nodded and blushed. "We haven't. Okay, just, um, blowjobs, so far. We're not at that needing condoms stage."

"You should use a condom for blowjobs." Howie said earnestly.

"Okay, but we're not and we will for the other thing. I'm sure."

Howie grinned again and clapped Nick's shoulder. "Good for you. And, you're, you're, um, okay with this, right? Because if you need to talk, I'm here for you."

Nick nodded. "Yup. I mean, it's. We're having sex. We have fun. He's really nice. But this isn't, um, it's not full-fledged lifestyle choice yet."

Howie snorted. "It's not a choice, I mean, you don't just choose to be gay, okay?"

"No, no, that's not what I meant. I just, I dunno. Howie, you're my man."

"Well, I'm proud of you, Nicky." Howie patted Nick's shoulder. "Getting over Mandy and trying new things and being brave about all of it. I'm proud of you." He tossed Nick his script. "Now, you wanna help me run my lines? I've got that big speech today, you know."

*

Nick and Justin had dinner out a few times and people recognized them. Nothing bad happened, they weren't lovey-dovey out in public and all the fans who came up to them said they thought it was neat that they worked on rival shows and still were friends. Soap Opera Digest even interviewed them for some article about actors who were friends with actors on different networks. The producers seemed to like the publicity that Nick's friendship with Justin was getting Dreams of Love.

Nick said, "See, and it's just super-nice, we have all these things in common."

Brian nodded. They were sitting outside the set, watching Kevin play Joey from Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow in basketball. Neither of them were particularly good. Brian said, "That's good."

"Yeah, cause we were both fired and rehired, and we both had these bad break-ups and we're both, you know, on a soap." Nick burst out laughing. "I just sound stupid."

"You sound happy." Brian smiled. "I like Justin already."

Joey wandered over and said, "Bri, man, come play. Your cousin sucks."

"Two against one seems really unfair." Brian stood up and brushed off his jeans.

"Well, I can get another." Joey waved to some blond guy smoking by the other door. "Lance, man, come play with us." Lance walked over. "New guy, just started a few days ago." Joey nodded at Nick and wandered over to the court.

Brian turned to Nick and said, "You wanna play?"

Nick saw Justin come outside and grinned. "Naw, I got other things to play with."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Don't do anything stupid."

They didn't. Justin and Nick just stood and talked, watched the other four play basketball. Nick liked the game best when Kevin and Brian took off their shirts. Kevin had a great body.

Justin said, "So Brian's your best friend?"

Nick nodded. "I've pretty much known him my whole life. I started on the show when I was ten, yeah, twelve years, pretty much my whole life. We can talk about anything, man, Brian's really cool."

"Did you tell him about us?"

"I did, but it's okay." Nick squinted in the sun. "Brian's really cool."

"No, I mean." Justin laughed a little. "I think it's kinda nice that you told your best friend about me."

*

So they'd been dating for three months. Nick thought he'd gotten really good at giving head or at least, really good at giving Justin head. They'd done that a lot. And things with fingers but nothing more.

"There is a more, right?" Nick leaned back in the bed. The first time he and Justin had made out, Nick had gotten dressed right after. Now he didn't get dressed until he left. He liked the way he looked next to Justin, the two of them fit.

Justin smiled. "There's more, I guess, if you choose to define it that way. But that's probably a theoretical discussion for another day."

Nick giggled. "Aw, come on. You're my big gay guide. I watch Oz. Do you not like doing that?"

"It is, you know, something I enjoy." Justin played with Nick's hair. "But I don't want to do that if it's not something you're comfortable with."

"I've never done it before." Nick didn't feel stupid or embarrassed telling Justin the truth. "I mean, I've done it with girls and Mandy and stuff, but never with a guy." He paused. "Do you want to?"

"I'd like to have sex with you. But like I said, Nick, I don't want to do it if you don't want to do it. No pressure, man, really."

Nick felt really lucky, luckier than he'd ever felt with Mandy. And he really did want to sleep with Justin.

The first time was awkward but okay. Nick was willing to give it the old college try and they did it again and it was much better. It really kept getting better.

Nick got used to spending weekend nights with Justin, at his place or Justin's. He got used to running into Justin all the time at work, just walking out to the parking lot. He thought about taking up smoking so he'd some excuse for always being outside, even in the rain.

After about four months, Justin even came in and saw Nick's dressing room again, the first time in all those months. "Man, this is sweet. I just got my own dressing room and this is very nice."

Nick frowned. "Man, I like it, but it's not. I dunno, I know the producers don't want me here. They'd fire me again if they had the chance."

Justin sat on Nick's couch. "They do have the chance. I mean, every thirteen weeks, man, they have the option." Justin paused, then laughed. "Okay, that didn't come out as reassuring at all, did it? What I meant was that they have the option to fire you all the time, and they still keep you around. It's good, man, they like you. You're good."

Nick shrugged. He felt secure around Justin, secure being naked in front of Justin and talking with Justin, but he didn't feel secure at work. He hadn't felt secure at work since he came back. "I guess."

"They brought you back because the fans love you, man. As long as the fans love you, you're set." Justin nodded and Nick knew Justin believed it, but Justin also didn't have a clue about being fired because he was tall and fat and not small and cute anymore.

"They fired Charles Keating on Another World and the fans loved him. Everybody loves Vanessa Marcil and she's off General Hospital really soon." Nick sighed. "Anyway, let's do something else."

Justin stood up, "I'm just saying, I got fired, too."

"They fired all the kids, Justin. Here it was me, just me. Because I was fat. And they cast that Christian Burns kid and then they fired him because he couldn't make the fans love him. And when I got back, they gave me this room and the fucking treadmill."

Justin ran his hand over the treadmill. "Okay, point taken. But it's been two years. You're good, you're hot. You're very hot. Come over here, man." Justin smirked and then licked his lips. Nick was easily talked into that.

Justin kissed Nick's neck and turned him around. Nick felt Justin behind him, pressed against him. Justin ran his hands over Nick's chest and lifted his shirt. "You're so fucking hot," Justin said, hot breath against Nick's jaw.

Nick wanted to say a million things but all he could say was, "Thank you." He leaned forward a little, then a little more, balancing and bending over the arms of the treadmill. Justin helped Nick pull off his shirt and kissed up Nick's back to where his tattoos were. Justin licked and nibbled and said, "Thank you."

He reached around Nick and unzipped Nick's pants, pulling them down. Nick reached around, too, and tried with Justin's zipper, too. Justin whispered, "I'll do it," and kissed the palms of Nick's hands.

Nick meant to ask where Justin got the condom from, why Justin had lube with him but he didn't ask anything. Justin was inside him and Nick was clinging to the arm, eyes closed. Just like that, important and real and Nick was hot because Justin said so.

Nick heard someone, deep voice, say "Holy hell" and opened his eyes. His dressing room door, open, and the fat guy in the suit in the door, that was one of their producers.

And just like that, it was over. Justin and Nick tried to clean up before the producer came back but it didn't matter. Over. Nick thought he'd lose his job. But they just took away his dressing room and his treadmill and put him in a dressing room with some new guy who was built like an Olympic gymnast. They said they'd write him off if he hung out with Justin anymore.

So it was, just like that over. And all the producers, nearly everyone on the show, they all knew why. Nick Carter, caught in the act with a guy. Not just prone to being fat and unattractive but also gay and stupid.

There were a couple of blind items in Soap Opera Digest. Nick saved them because he thought he deserved to be reminded of how stupid he was to have sex in his dressing room with the door unlocked. 'One West Coast perfomer was recently caught with his pants down -- literally! Apparently a couple of network higher-ups paid him a surprise visit and found this leading man in the arms of another popular star -- who stars on a rival soap. The relationship has since busted up, which has saddened some friends of the couple. Soapside sources say the two were a good match.' Nick wondered who the sources were, or if the editors of the magazine just made that last part up.

Brian and Howie called Nick into some sort of meeting after they found out he'd been keeping the clippings.

Brian locked the door and leaned against it. "Nick, you gotta stop beating yourself up."

Howie nodded.

"Why? I was stupid, I'm about to be fired --"

Howie said, "No, you're not. You're not. Stop it, Nick. You say that all the time and you're wrong. I get what you think. And you've been wrong since you came back. It's not just the fans who love you. The writers, everyone who works here. You're not some dork no one likes."

Nick said, "I hadn't noticed."

"You don't," Brian said. "Justin liked you. We like you. I just don't get why you won't see it."

"I get that you like me, okay? I get that I have friends and stuff, I do." Nick sighed. "But I really like this job, and I fucked that up once, and I really liked Justin, and I fucked that up, too. And maybe fucked up my job again."

Brian said, "Okay, look. This is tough love, now. You grew up and looked different at eighteen than you did at ten. That part you couldn't control. You got caught having sex with somebody in your dressing room. You could have controlled that, but hey. We all make mistakes. You're not going to get fired because you make that kind of a mistake. You're not going to get fired because they fired you once before. The only way you're going to get fired is if the fans stop liking you or if you stop being good at your job."

Howie said, "Basically, Brian's saying you need to suck it up and get over it, Nicky."

Brian said, "I provide the full text, Howie provides the Cliffs Notes." He smiled a little. "We love you, Nick, but snap the goodness gracious out of it."

Nick looked at his hands and said, "Fine."

*

Two months later, Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow had their big gay storyline and the producers of Dreams of Love had called Nick into the office and started talking about how important he was to the show. Nick got it. Dreams of Love had taken a hit and Nick was valuable again, really valuable. They gave him back his own dressing room and this time it didn't have a treadmill.

Nick put up a picture of himself from the Daytime Emmys, holding his Emmy up and grinning. He hoped no one noticed it was from an after party and Justin was standing in the background.

Nick drove out to the store Justin had taken him to that first date. He didn't really need new sneakers, but he could afford them and he thought maybe something bright and sleek would be like a reminder. A souvenir. He didn't have much. Two t-shirts Justin had left, a stupid lamp Justin had given him. A couple of CDs. And a phobia of treadmills.

Nick hadn't really expected to see Justin there. There wasn't a sale or anything and when Nick walked in and saw Justin, he almost walked back out. But Justin saw Nick and then waved a little, and Nick had to go over to say hi.

"Got you hooked on these, huh?" Justin was looking more at the sneakers than he was at Nick.

"Well, you know, a guy always needs shoes." Nick picked up a yellow pair and looked at the price tag. He put the sneakers back.

Justin said, "Look, I meant to call."

"Yeah, me, too. Except they were kinda threatening to fire me if I did."

"Yeah." Justin sighed. He pushed a pair of blue sneakers into Nick's hands. "You should get those. They'd look good on you."

"I could've, maybe, you know, if things went differently, I would have --"

"You're not gonna get the sneakers? They're really nice." Justin turned and smiled at him.

"I meant." Nick looked down at the table.

"Yeah. If things hadn't, you know, I would have been in love with you in, like, weeks. Just right on the edge over here." Justin looked like he wanted to smile but couldn't quite remember how.

"Me, too."

"Yeah, well, so it sucks. I think you'd like those sneakers."

Nick looked down at them. They were very blue. "Really?"

"Like your eyes." Justin smiled this time. "Just, you know, I gotta pay and leave. But you should, I think it's important you remember, you know, you're really hot. I wanted you from, like, that audition." Justin laughed. "Okay, seriously? When I got fired, I watched Dreams of Love because it was on against my show, and I was like, fuck Lou. And I thought you were hot back then."

Nick played with the shoes. "Thank you."

"And I mean it." Justin cleared his throat. "Did you see anybody else in here when you came in?"

Nick shook his head. "Nope. Why?"

"Because I'm giving you a good-bye kiss." Justin leaned forward and put his hands on Nick's neck and kissed him just like the first time. Nick felt warm and good and it didn't hurt nearly as much as he would've imagined.

And then Justin was gone, and Nick bought the blue shoes. He took them home and when he tried them on again and stood in front of the mirror, he didn't think he looked half-bad. He thought he might've looked good, maybe even a little hot. Maybe Justin was right.

THE END

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