NEVER SAY GOODBYE

JC sends Lance flowers out of the blue, even now when they're on tour together. The cards have poetry on them, in some clerk's handwriting. Things like, 'My dreams are made of iron and steel/With a big bouquet/Of roses hanging down/From the heavens to the ground.' Lance doesn't even understand that one. Lance buys JC clothes from the Dolce & Gabana store and has them customized.

JC says they've been together forever. Lance knows they've been together two years, almost three. And it wasn't always like this. Six months when they first got together and they were quiet and cautious with each other. Eight months after that when they both slept around and came back to each other with intermittent fights and frequent bouts of silence. The year after that when they were happy, faithful and Lance thought nothing would ever change. And the last six months, when things have been unsettled. Lance hasn't strayed, JC hasn't admitted to being unfaithful, but they keep not quite connecting.

JC has grown his hair out and he wears Capri pants like it's what every guy at the construction site puts on in the morning. Lance said something when JC's hair was a growing out a little, just a slight comment about how it might look nice if JC let it get long. And he always tells JC how cute he looks when Lance sees him radiate that air of comfort he has when he wears things Lance thinks might be girly. JC says Lance is maybe getting too fit, he makes jokes about not losing the fine ass.

JC has never ever not been interested in having sex with Lance. He's up for it, even when he's exhausted and pays fierce attention with his mouth and his hands and all of him when they're in bed. JC loves sex so much, Lance finds it almost impossible to say no. Even when they fight and Lance thinks he could strangle JC, they still end up in bed and JC is never rough even when Lance can tell he's a little angry.

JC really does love to sleep. He'll sleep anywhere, and sometimes he'll curl up like a baby. He's quiet when he first gets up but right before he falls asleep he starts babbling. Lance stays up as late as possible and gets up when his alarm goes off. There's never enough time in the day, to enjoy it and get things done.

JC hates to fight. He gets really quiet when he's angry, clenches his jaw and then just sits on it. It drives Lance crazy. When JC is well and true ready to deal with whatever it is, he can be cruel and biting and he doesn't forget anything. He forgives, but he never forgets. Lance hasn't gotten over being surprised that JC wants him, so he never starts fights. He snipes, he rolls his eyes, he makes jokes he shouldn't. And then they actually fight, and it feels like he's being disemboweled until JC calms down, until everything's okay. They've been fighting more in the last six months and Lance can't figure out why.

JC loves good wine and he orders fancy food with authority. He talks about the bouquet of the flavor or something and Lance just nods. JC loves food that's rich and if it's arranged like it should be in an ad or something, he smiles wide. Lance orders things that look fancy if he eats with JC at a restaurant and otherwise he likes McDonalds. He likes to watch JC smile more than he likes hamburgers so Lance lets JC choose where they eat.

JC says he loves Lance often. He whispers it in Lance's ear during photo shoots, he mouths it during shows when they pass and he knows no one can see. He says it over and over again when he comes. He said it the first time they kissed and he says it every morning and every time Lance gets on the other bus. JC says it easily and he always has but he says it differently now. He says it with emphasis somehow, some kind of tone that Lance can't quite tease out or understand but he knows it's good. Lance knew he loved JC the first time they kissed but he didn't say it for five months. He doesn't say it often out loud, but he says it other ways. JC knows. Lance worries that JC says "I love you," more and more lately, like he's trying to convince himself.

JC reads a lot of books. Books like Lance's mother reads. JC gets lost in language and he underlines phrases. He stops in the middle of reading and looks up at Lance and then says, "You have to, this was --" Then he goes back three or four pages to something he'd dog-eared and underlined and he reads it out loud. He looks up expectantly and half the time, Lance has no idea what's so exciting or even what the lines mean. But he nods and smiles. JC leaves his books in hotels or at the venue or in cars, because he says the underlining is just to help him remember right then. Lance doesn't read books. He read magazines and newspapers and websites. His only fiction comes from TV and movies. Lance buys JC books at random when he has a few moments in a bookstore. He looks for covers with sepia tones and nearly abstract covers. Maybe a hint of black.

JC is bi and he came out to his whole family when he got back from Germany the first time. When he had the contract in hand. Before Lance, he slept with a few girls, fewer guys. When he cheated on Lance, it was always guys. JC said it to his parents and his brother and sister, the other guys, even though they knew, but he's never said to anyone else. He didn't say it to the boys he picked up and he never told Bobbie she was just a beard. He never talks about queer politics and Lance thinks he will never ever come out to the public. Lance is gay and he came out to his family when he was twelve. He's had sex with a woman twice, once with Danielle and once with Laura. Lance watches Pride parades with envy and he thinks, someday. Because it would be so easy, he almost never hides anyway. If he's in the closet with JC, it's not so bad.

JC drives cautiously, and so does Lance. Lance gets really turned on watching JC drive, though, his hands resting on the wheel, his look of concentration.

JC doesn't seem to think they'll ever break up. He doesn't make a lot of long term plans but the ones he makes always include Lance. He mentions them casually, like, "I was thinking, someday, I'll buy a house in France. Everyone does that and it would be beautiful, and we'd make sure there was a good phone line for you. Not for a few years, though, but definitely someday, man." He bought Lance a ring once, an ordinary one but Lance only wears it occasionally. JC kisses it whenever he sees it on Lance's hand. JC hasn't said anything about the growing distance Lance feels. Lance never ever wants to be without JC. So he thinks and worries and one morning, he says, "Are we okay? We seem not so okay lately."

JC says, "I think. I think we're okay. Don't you?" Lance just looks down because he doesn't think they're okay, or he wouldn't have asked.

JC says, "I know we've been, we've been maybe not as passionate? But things ebb and flow and we're still solid, right?" Lance tries to nod, but he's thinking about all the things 'not as passionate' could mean and he doesn't open his mouth because his voice might break.

JC smiles. He says, "I love you. I will never leave you." Lance believes him and he knows it will be okay. Not right now, but soon.

THE END

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