NOTES: All made up, for entertainment only. Huge thanks to Kel, Younger and Katie for double-beta duty, and similarly huge thanks to Georgina and Tiffany for their intensely helpful betas. All mistakes mine, everything good from them. Also initial inspiration from Val McDermid's book Blue Genes. Title and summary from Liz Phair's Go On Ahead. Lance sings the Eagles.

Lance sets his own schedule enough that he can come home whenever he wants. But it doesn't matter when he gets to the house, it's always the wrong time. Today he gets home at 7 pm and Justin barely looks up from the girls. It's later than normal, earlier than he wants sometimes with all he used to want to do, but he likes to be home for his girls. He likes to be home for Justin and it doesn't matter. Lance wants to stop them all and make them see him, but he's done that before and it didn't work. He walks straight upstairs and doesn't even bother to say anything, even as he hears the girls calling up to him.

In the bedroom, he thinks, this is the end. And that's too scary. This is it, he thinks, and that's not as scary. He rubs his forehead and then he loosens his tie. Custody. He thinks about lawyers, custody. He opens his drawer. And that's too scary again. He walks away from the drawer, backs up until his knees hit the bed. He sits there for a moment and then he turns and goes to the closet.

Luggage. Somewhere in Los Angeles there's probably hundreds of boutiques just for luggage and Lance thinks suddenly one of them maybe even has a special 'so you're moving out' luggage. Special suitcases, maybe, already packed with the toiletries you're sure to forget in your moment of emotional duress. He's staring at their suitcases, the ones they bought three years ago, when Justin comes in.

It's just an open drawer and Lance staring at their big blue suitcase, it doesn't have to be anything. But it is and Lance just looks at Justin, and doesn't try to make an excuse.

Justin says, "Lance." He pauses and rubs at his mouth. "Lance, don't. Look, I think we should. I've been talking to someone and I think we should. I have the name of a counselor. Couples therapy."

Lance wonders why Justin doesn't say marriage counselor. Justin is the one who always says "married," "wedding," "husband," and Lance is the one who says "recognized in only four states," "commitment ceremony," and "partner."

And couples therapy. It sounds like advice from one of Justin's books for perfect parenting. A last chapter on dealing with your partner and how bad it is for the kids when parents split. A list of things you can do, spice up your sex life and make more time for your partner and when that fails, couples therapy. Lance doesn't say anything.

Justin presses his lips together and then he says, "I want to do this."

Downstairs, Livvy starts crying. She's saying "Daddy" over and over again. Lance sighs and says, "She wants you."

"She calls both of us that," Justin says and keeps staring at Lance, like he wants him to stay. Lance doesn't think Justin means it, doesn't believe Justin really wants to fix things. Justin's about to go downstairs anyway.

But Justin just stands there and his eyes are wet. Lance says, "She's still crying." She is, almost keening. She's barely four, something could be really wrong. And Justin's still standing there.

"Say you'll do it," Justin says.

Lance says, "Okay." Justin is suddenly hugging him, and Lance feels like an asshole, deciding to stay just because Justin chooses him over their crying child for once.

When they go downstairs, Livvy is just upset because Kathy took her toy but Lance still feels like an ass and he's only half convinced that he made the right decision to stay.

*

Justin found them some lesbian who only works with same-sex couples. Lance is pretty sure he must have asked someone at their church. And that's how Justin describes her as they drive over, "Some lesbian, she's supposed to be really good."

She's short and earnest. She introduces herself as Kelly, except when Lance glances around and sees her degree it's Kelley. Which makes no pronunciation difference at all, just an extra "e." Lance sighs and sits down.

She says, "Tell me your story. How you met, started dating, where you are now."

Lance raises an eyebrow. "There's an E! True Hollywood Story that'll give you all of that and it has pretty pictures."

Kelley doesn't laugh much or she didn't think it was funny. She says, "I want you two to tell me."

Lance looks over at Justin, signals left over from eleven years of public appearances, you go. Justin tugs at the seam of his jeans. He says, "Okay. We met, um, God, almost twenty years ago, eighteen years ago and then we were in this band together and we worked together. And then, like, ten years ago, we started dating. And we'd been together four years and we decided we wanted to have kids --"

Lance rubs his neck and looks over at the window. Kelley holds up her hand and says, "Lance, did you have something to add?"

Lance says, "'We decided,'" and he knows he's rolling his eyes, but. "I don't think 'we' decided."

Justin crosses his legs and he looks straight up. "I had been thinking about it, I came to you and said, you think about it, and then you did and you agreed. We decided."

Six years earlier, Justin had come back from four days in San Francisco and he was bursting with something. He bounced around the hotel room, and Lance just sat on the bed, waiting for him to calm down. Justin sat down on the bed, his hands still fidgeting and twitching and he said, "I want to talk to you about something serious."

Lance could tell. He waved his hand and Justin said, "I think. And don't say anything right away, I mean, seriously, you have to think about it." Justin paused, long enough for Lance to start thinking that maybe this was the end. It was a weird way to break up with someone but Justin was capable of amazingly weird things. Then Justin said, "I want to have kids. With you."

Lance laughed, because kids. Kids weren't what he was expecting at all. He said, "You want to have children?"

Justin nodded and grinned. "I just. I was talking to this guy, to this guy I knew and he has this four-year-old little boy. And. We were talking and then for the rest of the day and all the flight home and it's like, Lance, I can just. I've been making all these plans. I think. I think we should do it."

"You've been making plans?"

"I've been thinking. It's like, I swear, I know this is a good idea. I just, I haven't felt this, this kind of excitement, like in my gut and knowing it's right since I heard Chris talk about forming a group. I think, here's my idea. I think we, you know, the album gets done and we tour and then we retire." Justin paused. "I know, I know. It would be like, the end of the group and that sucks. But. For like, five years or something, so, like, home for when they're babies. And then, when they're old enough, back to performing, because, yeah, I can't give that up completely. Like, not forever."

"You want more than one?" Lance was still almost laughing, but he put his hand over Justin's hand.

"I want two. I think two is just about perfect." Justin laughed and leaned against Lance's shoulder. He felt warm. Justin said, "So, you see, you need to think about it because kids are, like, forever. Lifetime commitment."

Lance rubbed the back of Justin's head, couldn't stop laughing. "Like marriage. We should, you know, move to Vermont and get married. Or Hawaii. Married with kids, right?"

Justin kissed him, oddly tentative at first, his hands on Lance's face. Then he stood up and said, "You think about it. Seriously."

Lance called his mom and she thought it was the best idea she'd ever heard. She said, "I think the kids should have hyphenated last names. You know? Bass-Timberlake sounds bad when you say it out loud, sadly, so Timberlake-Bass."

He laughed again. "Their initials would be TB, like the disease, Mom. I dunno."

"Well, don't you let Justin talk you into having them just be Timberlakes." She laughed, said she thought it would be a good thing.

He thought it would be a good thing, too.

And now he's sitting in this bland brown office and he feels like an ass, but he wants to whine and say, "It wasn't my idea. I didn't decide, I agreed. I was drug along." He rubs his eyes and says, "It didn't feel like something I decided. I agreed. I wanted it, but."

Justin rubs the seam of his jeans again, faster. He says, "Okay. So. And so we retired and moved to Vermont for two years. And we got married there and then Kathy was born and, uh, fifteen months later, Livvy. And then we moved here, to LA, like, three years ago and here we are."

Kelley says, "So you have two children?"

Justin looks at Lance, a different kind of signal between them. Justin says, "They were, uh, like, in vitro? Conceived in a test tube. And each of us is, um, the biological father of one but then the other one adopted," Justin's waving his hands around and Lance taps Justin's knee.

He says, "They're ours, and it's all legal and locked up and taken care of." Money buys you anything, Lance knows. Justin's named as the father on Kathy's birth certificate and Lance is on Livvy's and then it was all about the right lawyers and finding the right states to live in. Lance adopted Kathy a month after she was born and Justin did the same for Livvy. Legal and locked up and no one can touch them.

Kelley stares at both of them for a moment and says, "And how do you deal with parenting?"

Justin says, "Well, Lance has his stuff during the day, the management firm and I'm at home but we share. It's completely fifty-fifty."

Lance rolls his eyes again. Kelley says, "Lance, you disagree?"

"It's not," Lance says. He clenches his jaw. He thinks about being twenty and thinking he could own the whole world. Now he manages fifteen performers and he doesn't make trips where he has to be away over night because of the girls and Justin. "I wish it was, but he, Justin, come on."

Justin is looking at his hands. Kelley says, "So you don't feel you both share the parenting responsibilities equally?"

Lance says, "I wish. But he's, he's got four shelves of books on parenting and raising kids and it's like, this week we're doing this and next week we're not supposed to eat meat or something and it's not like he ever talks to me about any of it." It's fucking sad and after everything, they're reduced to these kind of inane clichés.

Justin says, "I do. I actually do, but you're, like, you act like," Justin closes his mouth for a moment. "I dunno."

"Look, it's not that I don't want to spend time with you and the girls. I love my kids and it would be nice, too, if. God, do you know you have four fucking shelves of books about kids and raising kids and you don't have a single one on like, me, or whatever, like, us?"

Justin says, "Well, fuck, I didn't think that was something I had to learn how to do."

"And it looks like you were pretty damn wrong, huh?" Kelley makes them stop, asks more general questions. Lance thinks they must both come off as idiots. She's probably wondering how they ever stayed together.

She asks them, near the end of their appointment, "Why did you come here?"

Justin says, "Isn't it obvious? I mean, this clearly isn't a relationship that's running on all cylinders or something."

She shakes her head. She hasn't cracked a single joke this entire time. Dr. Kelley the Earnest Lesbian, Lance thinks. She says, "I mean, why do you want to fix things. Why are you here?"

Justin says, "Because. We've been together almost ten years now and I love him and this is important to me."

Lance says, "Right. I love him," and fuck it, they're here, he may as well say it, "and I never loved anyone else and so here we are."

She says "Good" and then they're basically done. Back in three days.

Lance throws Justin the keys to the car when they get to the parking lot. It's Lance's car, sleek electric-gas hybrid convertible two-seater, but Justin usually drives the kid-mobiles and he likes to drive something sleeker and faster when he can
.

Lance should've left, maybe only for a week, because then he could've slept around. One week in ten years with someone other than Justin under him, it would've been nice. He thinks about it, about the boys he sees walking on the street as they drive back to their house. He thinks about not seeing Livvy or Kathy for a whole week and he's glad he didn't leave.

Lance says, "What did we do two weeks ago?"

Justin blinks. He says, "You mean -- like, when she asked the last time we had sex and I said two weeks?" Justin looks briefly over at Lance and Lance nods. Justin sighs. "Well, I know it wasn't all memorable and shit but." Justin stops and he grips the steering wheel harder for a moment. Lance can see the white on his knuckles. "Okay, I see, I know a blowjob before the girls woke up isn't much of anything really and that's like, too long for us to not really make love, and it didn't even take any time. So, yes. But we're working on it now."

Lance says, "Yup. We are. There you go."

Justin is quiet for another ten minutes, not even singing along with the radio. Justin always sings along with the radio. Then he says, "And look, I really want this to work. I seriously, I really do. But I don't wanna, let's not get into details about the girls. About their conception, okay?"

Lance nods again and then they're home.

*

Lance goes to lunch with Chris. He does this a lot. Their favorite place is a small restaurant with tables on a shaded porch and no one can hear them unless they yell. Chris works A&R for what was originally a small almost indie label and after two or three mergers and the usual gobbling up of small companies by big ones, he's on Warner Bros.'s payroll. Chris says he's the A&R whore with a heart of gold, he's the one who tells the baby bands not to worry, not to change a thing, don't listen to the label and the only way he gets away with it is that he has amazing ears.

Lance could have told them that. Chris throws the best acts to Lance so they have good management and it's a lovely arrangement all around. So they talk business for half an hour and then Chris says, "So, you guys got an anniversary coming up, right?"

Lance toys with his salmon. He should ask about JC and Chris now. He would frame the question carefully, because he never knows exactly how that relationship is going, even after six years. And things with Justin, well. He doesn't know how much Justin tells Chris and even though Chris is on the short list of nine people Lance would actually talk about Justin with, he just doesn't want to. Not about where they are now. They could talk about Kathy, Chris's goddaughter. Or Livvy. But Lance says, "Well, not the one Justin likes to celebrate. Not. Okay, he's fine with celebrating that one, but he prefers to make a big fuss over the commitment ceremony one."

Chris grins. "Do you make sure to say 'commitment ceremony' in California and 'wedding' in Vermont, or am I over-estimating you?"

Lance smirks. "I say 'wedding' in Vermont, Maine, New York and Hawaii. Right now, and really, most of the time, I'm in California and the state doesn't recognize that I'm married, and really, neither does the whole damn federal government so I shouldn't even say it in those other states."

"Justin likes to say it." Chris is almost laughing.

"Yeah." Lance rubs his forehead. "Justin's an idealist."

Chris says, "I know." Lance doesn't bite his lip. It's been ages. He's been with Justin more than twice the time Chris was with him. And it's kinda silly to want to say he knows Justin best over and over again just because Justin would say his first love was Chris and Lance would say his first love was Justin. Just the way the ball bounces.

Lance looks around and says, "Have you ever wondered how we got the girls?"

Chris sits back and puts down his fork. He says, "Why do you want to tell me this now?"

"Because there's someone I can't tell. Which is fine, but." Lance taps his spoon on his plate. Tap tap tap. "I mean, haven't you wondered?"

It's not like everyone doesn't wonder. The Enquirer and People and any particularly savvy internet user can find the birth certificates. Kathy's says Justin is her father and her mother is unknown. Which explains the curly hair and the nose but doesn't make sense for a girl with green eyes that aren't quite level. Livvy's says Lance is her father so it's a little confusing that she has the same curly hair as her sister and blue eyes. Which is just Justin's luck.

Chris says, "You're not Catholic, you suddenly need someone to confess to?"

"It's not so much confession. I don't in any way feel like I've sinned, swear to God. It's just, there's this thing about Justin. I think." Lance leans forward. "You know, he said five years. And I think. I think Justin wants to go back to work, you know? He wants to be performing. I really think that. He doesn't want to give up the kids, you know, but he wants to be performing, too."

Chris crosses his arms and stays back in his chair. "Okay, I'm willing to buy that. What does it have to do with Livvy and Kathy and their mysterious mothers?"

Lance says, "They don't have mothers."

Chris doesn't say anything for a minute. Then he says, "So you're saying." He pauses. "Huh." He shakes his head. "Money can buy just about anything, can't it?"

"Yeah. It can."

A week after Lance agreed to have kids, to retire from the band, to make a lifetime commitment to Justin, something he kinda felt he'd done a long time ago anyway, a week after that and the day that Lance very quietly bought a house in Montpelier, Vermont and made it his official residence, Justin told him how they were gonna have kids.

Lance had told Stacy all about their plans. She'd squealed with joy and then she'd said, "You can have one of my eggs."

Lance'd laughed. He'd said, "One of your eggs?"

Stacy had babbled on about how she'd read all about it and yes, it would be painful and yes, it was a surgical procedure and she wasn't sure she wanted to carry another child but she'd been thinking about it for two years and she thought it was a good idea. "See, that way it's like you and Justin, sort of. It's pretty close. Y'all are gonna be such good parents." It was breathtaking and just about the nicest thing anyone had ever offered Lance.

It'd had been a week and Lance still wasn't used to thinking "forever" and commitments. He still thought of himself as a playboy sometimes, and then he'd remember he'd been with Justin for four years already. It still didn't seem real.

Justin came to him and said, "Okay. I wanted to, uh, explain about the whole having kids thing. I have this plan."

Lance interrupted and told him about Stacy's offer. Justin smiled and said, "That's great. That's so completely cool. But." Justin shook his head. "Okay, this is gonna sound crazy. Seriously crazy. But. I have checked it out."

Lance just raised an eyebrow. Justin said, "Okay. So I was in San Francisco. And I ran into this guy, this um." Justin waved his hand in some indeterminate gesture. "So he knows about me, because, actually, he and Chris had this thing back when me and Chris were together and you know, anyway. Blah, blah, and he starts talking about his kid. He's got the cutest four year old you've ever seen. And the kid really looks like him. And we started talking."

Lance watched Justin pace. Justin said, "Anyway. So he showed me papers, he gave me a name and I made some calls. There's this place. I swear to God, it sounds like science fiction, but. So. This place, it's run by this guy. He's, like, a doctor, fertility stuff. And he's gay. And he figured out this way to make babies from, uh, two guys. Like, two sperms."

Lance said, "You're shitting me."

"I'm not. I know, I know how it sounds. But here's the thing. This guy? He showed me DNA tests. More than one, at private clinics not associated with this guy. And you should see this kid -- he looks just like his, uh, dads. Not too much, but you can see it. And there's the DNA. And the kids are healthy, and it's private and they're super paranoid so. That's what I want to do. I want to have kids with you. And me. You and me."

Lance said, "How?"

Justin said, "I saw the test results, I didn't ask much about the specific procedure. But I think it works. I think, are you okay with this?"

"It sounds insane, Justin." He wasn't exactly sure what he believed but Justin was convinced. Lance wasn't about to commit the two of them with no investigation, though. Justin gave him the names and he called the place, called his friends and friends of friends to find out all he could. The doctors were both on the up and up, had done solid research for the government before retiring to private practice. He used two days of his time off to tour the clinic and read as much as he could find and understand so he could look at the reports they handed him. They showed him clean facilities and even let him peek at the books, with last names carefully blacked out.

The clinic gave them the names of three couples they could talk to who'd already done it, had kids. The guys were nice and the kids were bright, running around, normal. All three couples had very organized medical records, proving the kids were theirs and showing how healthy the children were. So there was that.

Justin signed up for the mailing list before they completely committed. He couldn't post but he could read everything. After two weeks of reading, he told Lance, "You have to go through, like, four different gateways and different passwords and the emails are all encrypted. So, there's, um, 165 kids and, like, 110 couples who've done it. Oldest is about 10. It's, you know, it's very moderated. It's basically, like, health things and keeping things safe and secret." Justin licked his lips and didn't say anything.

"No mailing list can be moderated enough. Health things?"

"Well, you know. 165 kids conceived through a weird medical procedure and stuff." Justin stopped again.

"You keep stopping. Is it a boring mailing list? Are all the kids perfect?"

Justin's eyes narrowed for a moment. "Well, you know, monitoring things. It's kinda like, you know, they're the pilot study. Sort of. We will be."

"That's heartening." Lance waited.

"There's nothing to worry about."

"You keep saying that. Is there anything?"

Justin shifted in his seat. "It's just a small thing. There's been, you know, a higher than normal incidence of heart things. Just murmurs and stuff. But you know, we can test our kids for that. And it's just, like, a statistics thing, higher than normal for this small sample of kids."

"Heart things? What do you mean by not serious? Was it serious for anyone?" Lance tapped his fingers on the door.

"There was one kid, but it was, like, congenital and his dad had it. One of his dads. Actually, it was that thing Brian Littrell had, and when I was reading that, I was all, whoa, Brian Littrell has a boyfriend? Because everyone posts anonymously, you know, just numbers identifying them, so it could be Brian Littrell. The kid's okay, man, they caught it. It would be fine, I think. It'll be fine. Your heart thing was easily corrected. And we'd catch it, quick."

Lance flinched and thought about surgery. Easy as pie and still. He looked down and said, "Have any of the kids died?"

Justin sighed. "Three. Two in a car accident. One from the flu, that flu from three years ago. But otherwise, it's like, really healthy kids all around."

Lance thought about having a kid that looked like Justin and maybe a little like him. His mother had said every child is a risk. So he agreed and they put down the money.

Four days before the tour hit Atlanta, Justin told Lance they couldn't do anything together or even masturbate until they hit Atlanta. "Both of us. This is when they get the stuff. I mean, they need not just a sample but a donation. So."

They didn't have sex for four days and Lance didn't jerk off and when they got to Atlanta Justin handed him a surprisingly large plastic cup thing with a label already on it. Justin went into the bathroom because, he said, "No mixing of the streams, man."

"A river, Mr. Timberlake! No piddly stream here," Lance said.

Lance grinned and thought he wanted his cup more full than Justin's. He didn't think any mortal man could fill it, and even Superman would have a hard time, but. He made a valiant effort and it felt good after four days of abstaining from everything. He was still grinning when Justin came out with his cup already capped, Lance lying on the bed, pants and underwear around his thighs still. Lance held up his cup and said, "I am triumphant. Lookee how much!"

Justin rolled his eyes and laughed. "Look, dude, put the cap on it, okay? And also, pull up your pants, the courier is coming."

Lance pulled up his underwear and left his pants around his thighs. Justin threw his jacket over Lance when the courier arrived. They exchanged passwords and Justin looked at papers and then Justin called someone and then the cups were passed over. Just like that.

And then six weeks later, Justin came dancing up to him before the show to tell him "the bunny died, man. Whatever that means. Ginny's got a bun in the oven and it's last name might be Timberlake-Bass."

"Okay, that's great, but don't you think hyphenated last names are kinda stupid?"

Justin laughed and said, "I'm fine with just Timberlake, you know."

"And I'm fine with just Bass." The tour would be over in three weeks and they were coming out in three and a half, so Lance thought, fuck it, and hugged Justin in full view of fourteen roadies and two people from the promoter's office.

Justin said, "Look, Bass rhymes with ass and I just think that's a cruel thing to do to a child."

"You know, I never heard that until I met y'all."

"Right, but I think any child of ours is gonna be going to school with kids a lot smarter than the backwoods hicks of Clinton, Mississippi." Justin pinched Lance's butt and danced away, still grinning.

He told his mother that the surrogate was pregnant, and didn't get into the details of what Ginny was carrying. She could hear something in his voice, he thought, and she said, "You know, you're gonna be just like your dad, I know it. Not sure, not sure, not sure and then you'll hold that baby in your hands for the first time and it will be true love, I bet." She paused. "You still sure you want this?"

"Positive," Lance said. He meant it.

But it was still bewildering and beautiful when he saw Ginny at the commitment ceremony. Right before the actual ceremony, Justin pulled Lance by the hand and then put his hand on Ginny's round belly. "It's a shotgun wedding, man, you can feel the baby kick."

His mom was right. Ginny gave birth in the living room of their house in Vermont and the midwife kept saying how everything was going so well, such an easy birth, but all Lance remembers is the blood. Until Kathy was born and cleaned off and in his hands and it was true love, just like that. He knew when he held her she was his.

So Lance tells Chris all of that, compressed and stripped of some of the details. Chris doesn't look that surprised, but then again, Lance thinks, Chris grew up so poor he always knew better than Lance that money can buy you anything.

Chris says, "Bet it cost some money."

Lance nods.

Chris says, "And you think. Okay, your theory here is that Justin didn't exactly count on how much both daughter one and daughter two would resemble the two of you. He thought you two'd just have these cute babies and no one would suspect that the kids might be both of yours, somehow."

"Yeah. Have you ever noticed how paranoid he is about pictures of the girls getting out?"

"I always thought he was just protecting their privacy. Kidnapping, stalking." Chris waves away a waitress and starts picking food off Lance's plate. "But you think it's more he doesn't want people going, 'Hey, that girl looks a lot like Lance!'"

"I think he thinks that if he goes back to performing he'll be all famous again and it'll be like it was when we were big and everyone will dig and dig and I dunno, somehow, someone will figure it out. And yeah, we already get a lot of publicity and now it will be worse. Which then leads to part two of Justin's paranoia." Lance taps his fork on Chris's hand so he can eat the rest of his fries.

"Justin still stays up late and watches those moms in peril movies, doesn't he?" Chris grins. It's true. Ever since Kathy was conceived, Justin's been secretly watching those kind of horrible Lifetime movies where women have their children taken away from them by uncaring government entities or cruel family members. They've all caught him doing it.

"And he thinks that'll be us. Because we're gay, because we have little science fiction babies."

"They're awfully cute science fiction babies. No health things, right? They don't have eight toes on one foot or nothing?"

"They're incredibly healthy. They have eight million tests with every check-up, everything Justin can possibly think of and they've always been perfect."

"Hey, wait, you know, I don't remember all my biology, but. Girls are XX, boys are XY and the mom provides the X part and the father provides either X or Y, so, how come you don't end up with twisted mutant YY babies when you combine two guys?"

"They pick one of the samples and take out all the Y chromosones. I don't know the exact details, it's some complicated procedure. But they make sure you don't get twisted mutant YY babies. That would kinda give it all away, wouldn't it?" Lance fiddles with his tie and signals for the check. "But doesn't it make sense? I think Justin wants to be performing, I swear. Not that he doesn't love being all Mr. Mom, but."

"He says he was born to be a dad, you know." Chris throws down his half of the bill and an insanely generous tip. They should write these lunches off, but not today.

"He can be born to do two things. And, you know," Lance stands and puts his half down. "I don't want him to wake up one morning and regret things. You know?"

Chris nods. And they hug in the restaurant and Chris drives to some tired rehearsal hall to hear more hopefuls and Lance drives to his second appointment for couples therapy.

*

They spend the whole second appointment talking about sex. A half hour in, Kelley says, "Forgive me for being blunt, but you two communicate for shit."

She gives them homework. She tells them to spend a half hour a day just talking. About whatever, she doesn't care, but a half hour, no interruptions, no kids. She also tells them to take an hour at least once over the weekend and "explore intimacy." She says it very earnestly.

They don't have any time to talk on Saturday. It's not intentional, it's just one of those days. Lance has to work in the morning, some asinine meeting with some fucks from BMG and Lance is willing to bet none of those asses have kids or anyone to go home to. Lance used to have meetings at 4 am, sitting up in hotel beds and talking quietly so he didn't wake up Justin. Anytime, any place. Once at his mother's house, talking in the bathroom while people outside celebrated Stacy's first boy's baptism. Now he bitches and moans about meetings on the weekend and he knows all the record company fucks think he's slacking. Fuck 'em, he thinks.

When he gets home, there's just twenty minutes to get the girls ready and in the car and then they take them to a birthday party for a friend from church. It's the kind of party where the adults are in one room and the kids in another, and they end up talking to all their friends and eating dinner. Then they get home and Kathy and Livvy are so wired from the birthday cake and candy, Kathy actually twirls around the living room. Justin takes Livvy upstairs and Lance carries Kathy around like she's Superman until she's tired. It takes two hours to get them both settled in bed.

Justin sits on the edge of the bed and says, "It's not intentional. It wasn't like, me avoiding you, you know? I'm really serious about this."

Lance says, "I know. Me, too."

Justin says, "Tomorrow morning. After breakfast, I'll call my mom and she'll take the girls to the library or something."

The next morning, Lance is scrubbing at dried egg on the counter when Justin comes back from walking the dog. They have a big mutt, probably about half golden retriever, half God only knows what. Justin rubs the dog's head and sends him outside. "Go play, Doggy."

Lance grimaces. "I swear, whenever he misbehaves, I think it's his bitterness at that name."

Justin snorts. "Well, we learned our lesson about letting a two year old choose the name of a pet. We have a dog named Doggy. It could be worse. She also considered 'Poo,' 'Doo-doo' and 'Puppy.'"

Lance frowns and doesn't say he remembers, he was there, too. He didn't think it was such a good idea letting Kathy choose but Justin did. Lance stands up and stretches his back, throws the scrubber into the sink. "So. Here we are. Two and a half hours until your mother comes home with the girls."

Justin smiles. "Should we set a timer? We can talk for an hour, to make up for yesterday, and then after that, you know, explore intimacy together. Kill two birds with one stone."

Lance nods and Justin actually does set a timer. He also turns on the radio, like he always does. They start off with the girls. Livvy's obsessed with horses lately and they agree they're not buying her one but she can take lessons. Kathy's teacher says she's too loud in class, and Lance notes that's what every teacher Kathy has ever had has said. They move on to sports and Lance's clients and then Joey's latest movie and how he was the only good thing in it. That takes half an hour. Justin's looking down at his hands and Lance thinks, now might be the time.

Lance says, "I told Chris. About the girls."

Justin frowns. "Why'd you do that? Fuck, it's bad enough our parents know."

"You think Chris is gonna tell?"

"I don't. It's just, you know, it's secret. Not from you, of course, but it's still secret. We have things to hide, you know. I know you think I'm all paranoid, but I'm not the most paranoid guy on the mailing list. From the clinic."

Lance thinks, score. "What are you paranoid about?"

"Uh, Lance? We have two kids conceived in a, I mean. Come on." Justin frowns.

"Spell it out."

Justin sighs. "Okay, first, you know, the huge parts of the country that don't even want gay people adopting. So, you know, imagine how'd they react to this."

"Gay people have been having kids the old-fashioned way for a long time. How does anyone know that we didn't do that? Really." Lance feels tense and ready to spring but he tries to look casual.

"Tests." Justin looks tense as well, so Lance concentrates on keeping his voice even.

"Why would anyone do tests on our girls, specifically? Besides us."

"Because, you know. What if, you know, someone tried to take our kids away?"

"Why would they do that? Who's gonna try that?" Lance smiles.

"You know. County services or something."

Lance raises an eyebrow. "We have more money than the Vermont state welfare department and the LA country welfare department combined. We can outspend them, Justin, and why would they ever want to touch Livvy or Kathy?"

"They tried with Frances Cobain."

Lance jumps down from the counter and says, "When's the last time you did heroin, Justin? Or offended a writer from Vanity Fair?"

"Fine, but you know, we're gay. It's kinda like heroin, to some people." Justin leans forward and starts playing with the basket of fruit on the table.

"Except we live in LA, Justin, not, you know, Mississippi. There's a reason for that and there's a reason we go to those fancy political fundraisers. So, right, since you're kicked your smack habit and I've given up my, I dunno, habit of running over puppies or something, I don't think anyone's got any grounds for taking our kids away or testing them or anything."

"It's not always the government."

"Okay. So, which of our parents do you think is gonna try to take away our kids? I mean, really, your mom? My mom? Because, Justin --"

"What if we split up?" Justin stops playing with the fruit but he doesn't look up.

"Okay. I don't think we will, I mean, we're doing this thing, here we are. But if we do? You think I'd, you know, be malicious?" Lance rubs his neck and it's all too much. He doesn't like to think about Justin imagining these things.

"Who knows? People act crazy when they get, you know, divorced." Justin says it quietly.

"Your parents didn't. You really think I would?"

"Who knows --"

Lance slams his hand down on the counter. "Stop saying that. You KNOW. God, Justin, you're talking about you and me. You know me. I wouldn't ever. I wouldn't do something to make our kids, or, God, Justin." Lance closes his eyes. He sighs. "You really think I would do whatever it is you're afraid of?"

Justin's standing in front of him when Lance opens his eyes and Justin looks apologetic, maybe. Justin says, "I know. I know. But, what if, you know, you come home one day and I'm, I dunno, having sex with Chris in front of the kids or something? Wouldn't you be mad?"

Lance swallows. "I wouldn't. Maybe right then. But. Justin, you're not having some affair with Chris. JC'd kill you."

Justin waves his hand. "Just, you know, I could do something to piss you off. You'd leave and you'd be mad and then things would happen in an angry way."

"If you were. Okay, I wouldn't. I wouldn't leave, I wouldn't take it out on the kids." Lance can't stop thinking he never should have started this.

"You were gonna leave," Justin says, and it's maybe urgent, or fierce. Or something.

"I would have lasted a day. And I didn't, and I wouldn't. Okay?" He grabs Justin's hand. "I just, you know, I wanted you to say these things out loud and hear how ridiculous they are and I didn't think you had all these nightmare scenarios where I'm some fucking psychotic evil person and you're, God, I have no idea."

Justin doesn't say anything and he doesn't let go of Lance's hand. Somewhere behind them, the stupid timer Justin set goes off. Justin turns around and walks over to the other counter, but he still hasn't let go of Lance's hand so he's dragging Lance along as he goes to shut off the timer.

Then Justin turns again and kisses Lance. Lance reaches for Justin's waist and then he stops. "I can't, dude, I can't just move on to the next scheduled assignment. Okay?"

Justin sighs and pulls Lance against him. "Right. I'm sorry." Justin rubs Lance's back for just a moment. He says, "I don't think you would, you know, do any of those things. I really don't. I love you, and you're right, I'm just fucking ridiculous."

"I think the things you think are sometimes ridiculous, but you're not." Lance hugs Justin back. He says, "Okay, are we supposed to go and be intimate now?"

Justin laughs. "We could do that. I was just thinking about having just enough time for a proper fuck, but sure, intimate it is."

Lance starts laughing and he says, "No, no, I want the proper fuck," and then he stops because Justin is sinking to his knees and pulling at Lance's jeans. They really haven't done this in a few weeks in any real way, so Lance gives in, relaxes. Justin pushes him a little to the left. The refrigerator's cold and smooth against his back and under his hands he feels Justin's hair and the warmth of him.

It feels dirty, too, doing this in the kitchen, Justin sucking him off. And dirtier still, when Justin's left his jeans on the floor and he's clinging to the table while Lance holds onto his hips. He's a bad, bad man, fucking on the table where his kids eat breakfast. It feels really good.

They haven't put their clothes back on but they're making idle attempts to clean up when they hear from the buzz from the gate. Justin starts laughing and he almost falls over but they grab all their clothes and run upstairs before the girls and Lynn get in the door.

They flop on the bed. "Geez," Justin says, rolling on the bed, still laughing, "that was just. God."

Lance sits up and pulls on his pants. "Well, yeah. But up and at 'em, man, you know, the girls are waiting for us downstairs."

Justin sits up but he doesn't move any more than that. Lance throws clean clothes on the bed for Justin. "Come on, J, fun Sunday family day time."

Justin rubs his face and says, "Okay, but I still want to apologize. I don't really think those things about you, I don't think you would, you know. Be that malicious."

Lance leans against the door and says, "Okay. I did, um, I knew that. But thank you. I just." Lance sighs. "I just want you to think about. You said five years."

Justin starts dressing. "Yeah, I did, but things are different. I didn't know that I'd love it this much."

"You love performing, too. I just, you know, I don't want you to wake up in five years and feel like you missed something. Or that you didn't do it because you were afraid of something."

"You think I'm afraid?" Justin stands up.

"I think, in part, you kinda are. You're afraid of being famous again, maybe and I think, you know, it's like zebras or something." Lance shakes his head.

Justin grins. "Zebras?"

"You're worried about the kids. And the thing is, when people hear hoof beats, they think of horses. And okay, here, it's actually zebras, but people will still see the horses." Lance laughs. "I saw it on ER, years ago. This guy, he was listing symptoms and the new doctor was naming all these exotic diseases and the older doctor is like, when you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras. Sometimes it's just the flu. And mostly, people think of horses."

Justin nudges Lance aside and opens the door. He says, "No, I get what you're saying. I think you're wrong, but I see your point." Then they go downstairs and play with the girls.

*

A lot of times they only sleep in the same bed. Things will get better, Lance thinks, they will. But over and over again for the last three years, Justin stays up late and Lance finally goes upstairs alone. Then Lance gets up before Justin does and Lance doesn't even remember that they slept next to each other in any real way. It's one a.m. when Lance wakes up. Two hours since Lance came up after watching the news with Justin and no Justin next to him yet. Lance gets out of bed.

He finds Justin in the TV room downstairs. The TV's on one of the satellite channels they get that only shows cutting edge and new videos or something. Lance only watches that channel when one of his acts have their premiere there. He generally tries to get them on something with higher ratings. Justin watches engrossed, legs crossed, fingers tapping against his jeans to the beat.

Justin looks up and turns off the TV. "Sorry, I'm coming." He smiles and stands up.

"Anything good?" Lance doesn't smile. He's just tired and he'd like, he'd like something more than this. Getting better, he repeats in his head. Talking to Kelley and having sex again.

"Um, I guess. I just, you know, I like music." Justin shrugs.

"Do this often?"

"God, Lance, whatever. I don't watch TV with the girls because we don't and I just like to watch the new stuff. God." Justin pushes past Lance and starts walking upstairs.

Lance trails after and says, "You know what I like? I like when we fall asleep together and you're not, like, waiting for me to fall asleep so you can enjoy your sick movies of the week or watch music videos in secret like you're shooting heroin or something."

Justin turns around and crosses his arms over his chest. "Okay, it's not like that. I'm sorry. I spend all day with the girls and we listen to the stuff that's good for them and I like to have some time for me and it's not some fucking secret. Maybe if you asked, I'd'a just told you."

Lance puts his hand on Justin's hip. Justin hasn't even taken off his shirt or jeans and Lance is in just his boxers. It's just one more thing that makes Lance tired. Lance says, "Fine. Fine. Right, we're starting over, right? So, I'm asking. I'm communicating with you and saying, I'd like if we went to bed at the same time. I like sleeping with you. And you know, we have the girls in bed by ten, if not earlier, why can't we watch that stuff? The two of us?"

Justin puts his arms down. "Look, okay. Okay, point taken. It's not every fucking night. Let's just go to bed, okay?"

Lance looks down and says, "Fine."

*

Lance grins and offers Joey a cup of coffee. "Nice of you to come by."

Joey says, "Dude, the real question is, where is my goddaughter? Where is the prettiest girl under the age of five? And her ugly other dad?" Lance and Justin decided when Kathy was a baby to call each other by their names in front of the girls so they don't have to say "your dad" or "your other dad." Two dads, act like it's normal. Lance rolls his eyes.

"Justin, Kathy and your goddaughter, who would be thrilled to know you came just to see her, are all at the library where they have little puppets and shit acting out the stories." Lance sits down at the table.

"Do they have Poofu?" Joey smirks.

"Fuck you. And if you dare to tell the girls or show them pictures, I'll hunt you down. Or, I'll tell my goddaughter what you did on your twenty-first birthday." Lance smirks.

"Dude, you're a year too late with that threat. Shouldn't leave the girls with me if you don't want the Poofu-gate thing exposed. They loved it. I can't believe they haven't brought it up with you yet."

"Clearly, Justin has made sure they know better." Lance rolls his eyes. "So, here you are. Just me, no cute kids. Still want to hang out?"

Joey shrugs. "Yeah, why not?" Joey sips his coffee. "So, how're you and Justin?"

Lance grimaces. "Well, we're in counseling now."

"That's good. I mean, it's not good good, but it's better than 'I'm moving out tomorrow.' Right?"

"No, that was six weeks ago." Lance snorts. "I mean, yeah, it's good. It's just kind of, you know, hi, my ten year relationship is falling apart. I'm spending $400 a week to talk to some lesbian about how to be with, well, Justin. I mean, Justin."

"Okay, being in love with someone since you were sixteen doesn't guarantee things will always go smoothly. It's a good idea, man, you two have been kind of off for a little while." Joey plays with his coffee cup.

"A little while?"

"Last uh, two years or something." Joey smiles. "But now you're in counseling. What do you in those things?"

"Fight. Talk about our sex life with someone who's probably never even seen a dick. Get homework assignments like making a list of things we admire about each other." Lance gets up and pours himself another cup of coffee.

"What does Justin admire about you?"

Lance sits down and blows on his coffee. "Um. He thinks it's really impressive that I've given up the whole work until I drop, take over the world thing and make so much time for the girls."

"That's cool." Joey slurps the last of his coffee.

"Yeah. I didn't think he'd noticed." Lance pauses. "I said I admired that he's such a good father and stuff. He works really hard at it. Except, you know, sometimes I think he does all that stuff because he thinks any moment someone's gonna show up and he's gonna have to prove gay guys can be decent parents, too. And also, it's just his way, he throws himself into things, but. He's a good dad."

"So're you. What other kind of homework do you get?"

"Uh, you wanna give 'em a spin or something?" Lance leans back in his chair and pets Doggy, sitting at his feet.

"I'm just wondering, man. Sometimes me and Kel hit a rough spot. I can kinda cheat off you guys. So, making a list of things we admire about each other. What else?"

"Well, we're trying to share the parenting stuff more evenly, so, we decided that I would read to the girls in the evening. Like, before bed. Because Justin has all day with them and this gives him some more time to sneak off and watch TV he won't admit to, and I get more time with the girls."

Joey rolls his eyes. "Well, good for you for dealing with your issues."

Lance laughs. "Sorry. I don't mean it, it's just." Lance pauses. "You're right, I'm being an ass. It's working good. We're, uh, talking more and talking about the things we need to talk about. It's good."

*

In two weeks they have three of the worst arguments they've had in their ten years together, about the same things they always fight about. Parenting, work, Justin's shutting Lance out, Lance shutting Justin out. After the first one, Kelley said, "It makes sense. Somewhere along the line, in the last three years, the two of you have been communicating less and less effectively. Now that you're focusing on it, all the these things will be coming up."

Kelley talks a lot about 'communicating' and she always says it with this long u sound like how Stacy used to say "menstruuuuuuuuating" after her health classes in junior high. Lance isn't even sure he likes Kelley, but he guesses that's not the point.

So he and Justin go twice a week and talk about commuuuuuunicating more effectively and parenting and sex. Kelley the earnest lesbian doctor who specializes in gay men's couples therapy talks a lot about media and society and how hard it is for people to stay together and even more for gay couples and Lance thinks, duh.

The last big argument started in front of the girls and Kathy and Livvy have been a little off ever since. Just a little. Kathy has always been loud, a born lead singer, Lance thinks, and she's been louder and more of a brat in the last two weeks. Livvy's always been quiet, a perfect back-up singer, and now, since the argument, she's even more of a watcher. Justin seems to think time will heal things, as long as they don't start screaming at each other in front of the girls again. Lance hopes he's right.

Lance wakes up and he hears his alarm and also, somewhere downstairs, Justin saying, "Katherine" very loudly. Justin's clearly pissed. Lance stretches and pulls on sweatpants and walks to Livvy's room.

She's sitting on her bed, sniffling, in just her undershirt. No underwear at all. Lance says, "Livvy, time to get dressed." He picks her up and the backs of her legs are a little wet.

Livvy sniffles again and says, "I had an accident."

Lance says, "It's okay. It happens, baby." He carries her into the bathroom so he can get a towel, and sure enough, there's a puddle near the toilet and her underwear on the floor, half in the puddle. Lance sighs and grabs a towel, carries her back to her room. He dries her off, kisses her nose and gets her clean clothes and undies from the drawer. She gets dressed slowly and fusses over her shoes. He says, "You look good. Ready for school." Pre-school at the fancy private academy Lance and Justin picked out two years ago for the girls.

Livvy sniffles again and Lance says, "Why don't you go on downstairs for breakfast and I'll be down soon, okay? You feeling better, honey?" She nods. Big blue eyes like Justin, and when she smiles, it's Lance's mom's smile. She and Kathy are the prettiest little girls in the world, ever, in Lance's opinion.

She nods again and walks out to the hallway. Lance goes to the bathroom and sighs again. He starts singing 'Life in the Fast Lane' as he washes out her underwear and wrings it dry. He throws it in the laundry basket. He puts two towels down to soak up the puddle by the toilet and then puts the towels in the laundry basket. 'Surely make you lose your mind,' he sings. 'Life in the fast lane, everything all the time.'

He grabs the disinfectant from under the sink and sprays the toilet and the floor, wipes it down with another towel and Justin's going to need to do laundry today if the girls want towels in their bathroom when they get home from school. His knees ache a little from all the squatting on the floor and he stretches his back when he stands up. 'Everything, all the time,' he sings again.

When he walks to the hallway, Livvy's just sitting on the floor by the stairs. She looks up at him and says, "Carry me?" He picks Livvy up and carries her downstairs to the kitchen.

Livvy ducks her head against Lance's neck when they see Kathy and Justin. Justin looks furious and Kathy looks very very sorry, small in her chair. Justin says, "Katherine, don't you have something to say to your sister?"

Kathy talks in a very quiet voice and sounds exactly like Justin. She says, "Livvy, I'm very sorry I didn't let you in the bathroom when you were knocking and I'm sorry I made fun of you and called you a baby."

Livvy says, "Okay," and pushes out of Lance's arm into her chair. Justin puts cereal in front of both girls and walks over to the counter to start cutting up some fruit for breakfast. Kathy and Livvy are slurping and eating without saying anything to each other.

Lance rubs his forehead and walks over to Justin, slicing fruit like it's his worst enemy. Justin's hair is crazy sticking up and his t-shirt is on backwards. Lance touches his wrist and says, "Why don't you go upstairs and grab a shower and I'll deal with this?" Justin inhales sharply and nods. "I cleaned up the girls' bathroom," Lance adds.

Justin grimaces and heads upstairs. When he's gone, Livvy points out a cartoon on the cereal box to Kathy and they start talking quietly. Lance gives them their fruit and they eat it with their hands.

Lance has finished his first cup of coffee and made sure the girls have washed their hands and put the plates in the sink by the time Justin gets downstairs. He looks calmer and clean. Lance suddenly wants to fuck Justin silly, wake up next to him in some hotel room and get in a fierce quickie before a raft of interviews but that was all six years ago. Instead, Justin tucks his "Montpelier Pride Parade" t-shirt into his faded jeans and claps his hands. "Girls, get your bags and we'll walk down to the bus stop, okay?"

The girls rush off and then rush back with their little black backpacks and Justin grabs Kathy's hand and Livvy's hand and they're gone. Lance showers and gets dressed for a day of meetings and negotiations. When he gets downstairs, Justin is back, eating a bowl of cereal. Justin looks up and says, "You want anything?"

Lance shakes his head. "I already got something."

Justin says, "I can't believe Kathy. I wake up and she's outside the bathroom, fucking laughing at Livvy, calling her a baby. And Livvy's saying Kathy wouldn't open the door, was being all mean. We're raising a brat." Justin frowns.

Lance shrugs. "She won't do it again."

"Well, I don't get doing it in the first place. God, she's so mean to Livvy."

Lance smiles. "You're such an only child."

Justin opens his mouth but Lance says, "I know, I know. But you were twelve when Jonathon was born. Kathy's a fairly typical older sister, judging from Stacy. Really. Once, when I was five, Stacy stole my pants right before the bus was coming and told me I'd have to go to school in my underwear. And both of us turned out just fine."

Justin rubs his eyes. "Well, fine. I'll trust you on that one." Justin almost smiles at him. "When do you get home?"

"Hopefully sometime around four. And how are y--, what are we doing to Kathy for her punishment?"

Justin says, "Well, you cleaned up the bathroom, so I guess I'll have her help me with the laundry. Carry heavy things, work in the salt mines."

Lance gets home at 4:30. Kathy and Livvy are in the living room, listening to classical music because Justin read it's stimulating to the intellect and calming, and they're both drawing. Lance walks over and they're both coloring a large outline of a castle. Kathy hands Livvy a blue crayon for the sky and jumps up to Lance, saying, "You're home!"

Kathy's always a show. She holds out her arms and Lance grabs her waist. She kisses his cheek fifteen times and hugs him and says, "You're home" over and over again. It's how she acts every time he comes home. After he says he loves her, she says, "I had to do laundry today because of me being bad this morning. But I washed all the towels and dirty clothes and dried them and put them away. How was your day?" He hugs her tight, his little girl. She looks back at him with eyes just like his.

Lance says, "Very boring." Kathy nods solemnly and he puts her down. Livvy always waits for the Kathy show to finish, and Kathy always sits down and doesn't say anything when Livvy first starts talking.

Livvy kisses his cheek and says, "Hello." She hugs him for a long time and then walks back to the drawing after he says, "Baby."

He says, "Justin's upstairs?"

Kathy nods and offers Livvy the green crayon for the castle walls. They've already colored the ground purple. On top of the castle Kathy has drawn two stick figure girls with curly hair and two stick figure men on either side of them. Lance says, "Cool," and goes upstairs.

Justin seems a lot more relaxed than this morning but Lance thinks that has a lot to do with the way they immediately start making out. Justin's naked and Lance is licking the inside of his thigh, one hand pumping Justin's dick slowly when they hear the knock at the bedroom door.

Justin says, "What is it?" He pants a little.

Kathy says, "I spilled something. And the glass broke and it's glass and we're not supposed to --"

Lance stands up and zips up his pants. "Coming." He waves to Justin and opens the door and steps out into the hallway and pulls the door shut so Kathy doesn't see in.

"In the kitchen?" Kathy reaches for Lance's hand and Lance moves to her other side so he's not offering her the hand he just had on Justin's dick.

The girls know to try and at least make some effort to clean up their own messes except when it's glass and they could cut themselves. Lance carefully cleans up the broken cup and the orange juice from the kitchen floor while Livvy and Kathy peer in from the doorway. Livvy says, "You're not wearing a shirt."

Lance says, "I took it off." He pulled it off while Justin was sucking on his neck, and Lance wonders if he has a mark there. He washes his hands in the sink and walks back upstairs, Livvy trailing behind him.

The bedroom door is open and Justin is sitting on the bed, reading a book with a muted yellow cover, pants on and no shirt. Livvy pushes the book aside and crawls into his lap. Justin carefully marks his place and then starts playing with Livvy's hair. She smiles and sits still. He's braiding her hair when she says, "Were you making out?"

Justin smiles and says, "Yes. We were making out."

She says, "What's making out?"

Justin says, "Kissing and stuff."

Livvy gets out of Justin's lap and twirls her one braid. She says, "What's stuff?"

Lance looks at Justin and Justin says, "It's more fun to find out on your own. You really want to know?"

Livvy shrugs and leaves. Lance says, "Is that what we're saying about these delicate questions?"

Justin rubs his forehead and says, "What do you mean, what we're saying?"

"I mean, I don't know what -- when the girls ask about sex, I don't know what we're saying."

Justin closes his eyes and inhales slowly. He says, "You can't do that, damn it. You gotta stop this shit."

"Stop what?" Lance frowns and sits down next to Justin, watches Justin rub his forehead again.

"Stop. Don't fucking complain about how we don't share parenting stuff and then turn around and ask me what we're doing about something like it's my job to say what's up. That shit's not fair."

Lance stands up and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with an aspirin and a glass of water and hands both to Justin.

"I'm not fucking saying this because I have a headache, damn it." Justin glares at Lance.

"But you do have a headache, so." Justin takes the aspirin and drinks the water and puts the glass down on the floor.

"I'm still pissed at you, okay?"

Lance thinks, fuck you. And then, he thinks about the importance of commuuuuuunicating. He says, "No, you're right. I shouldn't try to have it both ways." He sighs. "So what are we saying about sex and stuff to our girls?"

Justin flops back on the bed and rests his hands on his stomach. Still lean even at thirty-two, which is just unfair. It's not like Justin isn't a complete gym-rat, even with the girls and they have a whole set-up in the basement just so Justin can squeeze in time lifting weights, but still. Lance works out, too, but he can't still wear the same jeans he had when he was twenty-two. Justin does every day.

Justin says, "Well, okay, don't give me shit about this. But, I read this book about, uh, queer parenting. And it was only okay, but the guy had this thing about sex and talking to your kids. Like, he was saying that it doesn't matter how out you are, there's still some degree of shame and stuff relating to the ways we have sex, you know, anal sex and blowjobs and all that. Along with all the shame and weird things relating to sex every single person in the US has anyways. So we don't want to pass that on to our kids, right? Or we want to try not to, anyway. So I try to think about that when they ask questions. And you know, um, answer what they ask. You know."

"We could just show 'em a gay porno. 'Listen up, kids, this is why Lance never ever calls Justin 'Daddy,'' or something like that. I mean, in the half hour a day we let them watch TV." Lance grins and lies down next to Justin.

"Oh, that's a plan. See, the way we have sex is like this, but, you know, we'll have to show you something that's not out of Lance's private collection locked up in his study to explain how you girls will have sex." Justin almost grins.

"We can borrow something from Britney - she once told me she bought all this porn made by feminists and stuff. Also, she has lesbian porn, in case the girls want to see all their options." Lance puts his hand over Justin's hand. Justin's definitely smiling now.

"Okay, but seriously. You know, that's what I think. Does that make sense to you?"

Lance says, "Yup." Lance leans over and kisses Justin. "Who's gonna get up and lock the door again?"

Justin pushes him off and says, "Loser." He walks to the door and Lance looks at the book Justin was reading. It's called "Making It Last: a guide to gay relationships that last" and Lance smiles and watches Justin walk back to the bed.

*

Lance takes Kathy to the mall. They've always tried to do things with the girls separately, and today Justin is taking Livvy to the Botanical Garden. Livvy loves flowers and she stops at all the pretty ones and talks to them.

Kathy likes the mall. Lance says, "Okay, you have enough clothes and we're not buying anything more today. No shoes either. Books are okay, but no toys. Clear?"

Kathy nods. She grabs his hand as they walk by the stores. She starts talking about school and the girls she likes and the ones she thinks aren't very nice and the boys who are funny and the ones who are mean. She talks very loudly. Lance sits on a bench and pulls her onto his lap. "You need to talk a little more quietly, baby."

Kathy grins. "I know." She whispers. "I'm loud."

"You are. You think it's cute." Lance grins.

Kathy giggles. "Yes."

Lance says, "Well, you know. Other people are trying to have their own conversations and they can't hear themselves over you. So, you gotta respect other people, hon."

She looks serious and nods. "Okay, okay." They go to a bookstore and Kathy insists on reading ahead in every book they look at so she knows if they're good. Lance buys her two books.

They go to a kids clothing store and Kathy tries on things, but she's good and doesn't ask to get anything. And then they head home. He looks over at her as he drives home, her little hands clutching her new books and her feet kicking at the seat. It's almost painful sometimes, how much he loves the girls. Kathy grins at him and Lance smiles back.

When Justin gets on his food kicks and they're all eating spinach with every meal, Lance is the one who gets to take the girls out for ice cream. If he'd left, he'd have only had those moments, ice cream and special lunches. He'd rather die.

When they get to the house, Livvy and Justin are sitting on the lawn, carefully digging in the garden. Justin looks up and adjusts his baseball cap. He says, "We bought some seedlings. Livvy thinks we should grow roses."

Kathy grins and flops down next to her sister, not even caring about the mud on her white socks.

Lance tells Justin about the mall later, when they're in bed and Justin says, "I hate that mall."

"Why?"

"I was just there once and this guy, I dunno. At one of the stores, the clerk said something. Called me a fag when he thought I couldn't hear. I just get sick of that shit and explaining it to Kathy and Livvy. I just wanna say 'people suck.' And instead, it's you know, 'people are different and some people don't understand' and it just makes me sick."

Lance thinks Justin wasn't really prepared for all the crap they heard when they came out and retired. They did a press release after the press conference where the group announced the end. And it was a nice little firestorm of jokes and abuse that just started up again after the wedding pictures came out. Justin remembers the jokes, Lance remembers all the messages of support and the stuffed animals they got when the first pictures of the babies showed up.

Justin had talked about doing some small things, singing on other people's albums or something but it never happened. Justin never got used to all the names. Lance says, "Well, nothing like that happened this time. We had fun. And hell, there isn't a mall in America where someone hasn't called me a fag."

"I hate that shit. When the girls are there." Justin rolls onto his back.

Lance reaches over and rubs Justin's head. "Well, I don't know what we can do about it."

Justin snorts. "Yeah. Because, right, we're not legally married, not to US government. Florida only let gays adopt legally two years ago. I mean, fuck, it's just. God, I want to raise my kids in peace." He pauses. "I hate LA."

"You don't hate LA. It's better than Montpelier." Lance smiles.

"To you. Because you can work here and be a mover and shaker. I don't want that shit anymore. I mean, I used to love LA and now I don't want any of that. We moved for you. Because you couldn't be manager boy out there. I liked Montpelier. Small town and the people were nice and none of these fucking tourists staring at us and pointing and going, hey, honey, look at the famous fags." Justin sounds tired.

"That's not all of LA. And, fuck, I'm hardly a mover and shaker anymore." Movers and shakers don't come home in time to read bedtime stories to their kids and have date nights with their partners. Lance closes his eyes and thinks things started to go to shit when they moved, now that he really thinks about it. "There's a lot of great things here, Justin. I, God, you want to move?"

Justin is silent for a long time. "No, we shouldn't move. It's just, suddenly you were gone a lot more and we have to do these things and I started thinking nowhere's safe."

"This is safer than, you know, Mississippi. Things get better, you know. They're better than they were when we were kids and they'll be better when the girls are all grown up. You can't, we can't live in Vermont forever until the rest of the world catches up to it. You have to leave the house someday."

Justin sighs. "I guess."

"The girls have to leave the house someday. You know, school, church. Not that we don't go to gay church and send them to private school, so." Lance moves closer to Justin, tugs the covers tighter.

"I know. I just, I hate going out sometimes. I worry how much worse it would be if anyone knew about the girls."

"Justin, they'll always be ours. We're big and famous queers. And you shouldn't, you shouldn't let those people and shit like that stop you from stuff. We're richer than most of them, at least." Lance grins.

Justin rolls his eyes and then rolls over on top of Lance. "That doesn't mean as much as you think it does." He kisses Lance and then says, "But it's cute that you think so."

*

Thursday night is now date night. Another homework thing from Kelley. Tonight they're going to go see JC at this new small theater that's opened up in the Hollywood Hills.

Lance lets Justin drive. After they've parked, Justin says, "Is this cheating? We woulda gone to this anyway."

"It's still a date. We didn't bring the kids." Justin turns and grins and they hold hands as they walk in. JC's shows get the weirdest crowds. An impossible to predict mix of gay men, thirty year old women who used to stand outside their concerts screaming, and then the people Lance can't quite place. Hipsters, sixty year old balding men with their wives in nice suits, teenaged girls in short skirts. JC releases albums of jazz standards, odd covers, two or three of his own songs on each and they sell well enough to make sure he gets to release more. And then he's on the road six months out of the year, playing small theaters that always sell out. LA is always in the middle of the tour.

It's a great show. It always is. They go to a lot of shows, seeing the bands Lance manages, acts Justin likes that he hears on the radio. Lance loves that, standing next to Justin while Justin hums along, sings quietly and makes up his own harmonies. They go to JC's shows because it's JC. When they get to their seats, Lance sees Chris up by the sound booth and he waves.

Chris and JC don't have kids and they don't have pets. It's a rocky relationship. Chris doesn't go on tour with JC. They make it work by distance and conflict. Lance couldn't do that with Justin unless he was dead. Tonight, Chris looks happy and he waves back. When the show starts, he blows JC a kiss and JC smiles under the lights, a real smile and he looks down. They've been together since JC's first solo album.

JC does his usual show-stopping encore, "I Can't Make You Love Me" followed by "Freedom '90" which has everyone standing and swaying. Then JC winks at Justin and Lance and says, "Okay, so some friends of mine had this song played for their first dance at their wedding. And this time I'll sing it." He starts singing "My Guy" and people laugh a little. A few people look over at them, but mostly everyone watches JC.

Justin whispers in Lance's ear, "It was a good choice."

Lance found the ceremony dizzying, even before Justin put his hand on Ginny's stomach and Lance felt something move. Weird and surreal and exhilarating but also funny. When they danced to the song it felt more real suddenly, more than the ring on his finger or the house or the new joint bank account. But not as real as the baby Ginny was carrying. If it was possible to have different levels of real. Lance shook his head and listened to Justin giggling in his ear, whispering lyrics every other second, Justin's hands warm against his back. It wasn't just real, it was wonderful. It was even better than the blowjob in the limo over to the ceremony.

After the show, JC wipes his face off with a towel and hugs Justin and then Lance. He says, "Cool. Cool. Man, I think that was a good show."

"It was a great show, C." Justin grins. "Dude, interesting choice with the pacing of that first set."

JC raises an eyebrow. "Which is to say you didn't like it."

Justin laughs. "Well, you know, there are places we always disagreed."

JC shakes his head. "Well, you're wrong. How's that?" JC throws his towel at Justin. "Actually, J, I was talking to Tino, Tino's this amazing producer and he has this studio in Milwaukee but it has this amazing vibe and he was talking about this song and I was just thinking, I should get J to sing on this. Like, with me." JC smiles again. "What do you think?"

Justin frowns. "Milwaukee?"

"Come over a weekend. Bring the girls and Lance but, man, you gotta see this studio."

Justin says he'll think about it and for once he sounds like he means it. When they get in the car, Justin holds up a hand and says, "Don't bring it up, man, I'm just thinking about it. Your devious scheme to lure me back into the evil music biz has not succeeded."

"Fine, fine." Lance smiles.

Justin turns on to the street and says, "Wanna rent some porn? There's a twenty four hour store that just opened over by that place with the bagels in West Hollywood."

"You know, I really do have some locked up in my study."

"D'uh, man, but I seen all those already." Justin grins. "Just kidding. I have seen all of them, but I was talking to this guy online and he said there's this new line of, uh, pornos. Like arty and sensual and stuff. Sensual, I don't even know what that means." Justin laughs.

"Uh, should I be disturbed by your desire to rent some porn? And also, you were talking to some guy online about porn?"

"I was just sayin'. I read, okay, you know what? I was reading this book about gay relationships and stuff --"

"Making it Last? I saw that one in our room." Lance grins.

"No, a different one. That one was pretty good, but this one had, like, tips and shit and there was this thing about watching porn together to spice up your sex life. And --"

"We need to spice up our sex life?" They've been having a lot more sex lately, more than in the last two years, and Lance is pretty happy about that. Sometimes they even watch music videos together but Justin doesn't bring it up often. At least they go to bed at the same time almost all of the time.

"Well, you know. We're pretty spicy. But. We could be even spicier. And, back to your question. I was talking to this guy on one of my mailing lists? My gay dads mailing list. Horrible taste in music, but, anyway, he's single right now and he's really picky about who he goes out with because he has full custody of his kid, so. He watches a lot of porn." Justin laughs. "Anyway, he totally recommends this new, like, series. We could rent one, you know."

Lance shrugs. "Sure. We could even do it tonight." Lance pauses. "So not the mailing list for, uh, the clinic?"

Justin glances over at Lance and then back to the road. "Dude, that mailing list is way moderated. It's all health stuff and some other discussions, but we don't talk about gay porn."

They're at the porn store. Lance doesn't open his door. "How many of those couple from the clinic, how many have split up?"

"Some. Like, uh, a third, I guess. Maybe not even a third. I mean, we're talking about a group of rich gay guys. Which doesn't mean anything, but also, we're the one of youngest couples who did it. So mostly it was older guys, in their forties and they'd already been together for a while. So. But, yeah, guys have split up."

"Any nasty custody disputes?" Lance looks at Justin.

Justin keeps his eyes forward. "Nope." Justin sighs. "Okay, wanna rent some porn?"

"Sure."

*

Lance comes home late but it's summer and the girls are outside in the back yard when he finally finds them. And Justin. Lance walks up and stops. Justin's playing guitar, with Livvy and Kathy sitting in front of him. Lance blinks. When he gets closer, he hears Justin saying, "This is a g chord."

Of course. This is the best he'll get. Justin will go back to playing music and not just watching and it'll just be for Livvy and Kathy. He'll hide in the house until it crushes him. Lance forces a smile. Justin looks up and grimaces. He says, "Hey, y'all go back inside and we'll be there in a minute."

Livvy gets up and hugs Lance's leg as she walks back inside. Kathy does the same and kisses his hand, too. Lance says, "They think we're gonna fight again."

Justin rubs the guitar for a moment and starts to put it back in the case. He says, "Are we?"

"I'm glad you got your guitar out."

"But you want me to be writing songs and getting ready to perform." Justin closes the case and stands up.

"I think it would make you happy." Lance sighs. "It's just that I want you to be happy."

"I can't be happy just being with the girls?" Justin waits.

"You can and you are. I just think you can do both." Lance turns around and walks back to the house.

Justin stops him right before they get inside. "Look, why do you harp on this so much?"

"I don't, Justin, I just. God, you love to perform. You love music. I think you can do both, you know?"

Justin looks down and says, "I like my privacy. I like their privacy."

"Justin, you're not gonna be that famous again. And it won't be as scary as you think." Justin shrugs and goes into the house.

During dinner, Lance says, "So, you know, our anniversary is coming up."

Justin nods. "In six, seven weeks."

"How many years?" Kathy looks up from her soup.

"Well, this would be our sixth wedding anniversary and we've been together ten years." Justin smiles.

Livvy says, "That's a long time." She plays with her spoon. "Are you getting a divorce?"

Lance says, "No." They've had six months of couples therapy now and things seem a lot better. He's pretty sure of that. They're commuuuuuunicating now, he thinks, and they have sex a lot. Kelley even suggested ending the sessions in a few weeks.

Justin says, "No, we're not. I know things have been a little tense lately, but now they're getting better and we're not splitting up."

Kathy says, "I went to Mary-Louise's house yesterday and we were playing and her mom said my picture was in the Enquirer," she stumbles over the word, and then takes a breath and keeps going. "And her mom was saying how she saw the picture and how she remembered Daddy when he was just sixteen an' on TV all the time."

Justin says, "We're in the Enquirer again?" Another in the large collection of candids of Justin with the girls that photographers have snapped over the last three years.

Kathy says, "I wanted to look at it but Mary-Louise's mom said no because the En -- that paper isn't right for little girls to read."

Lance says, "Good thinking."

Lance buys the Enquirer the next day and brings it home for Justin. It's just a picture of Justin holding Livvy's hand and carrying Kathy across a street in West Hollywood. But Kathy's looking wide-eyed at the camera with her green eyes right in the light and Livvy's hair is uncovered.

Justin says, "This is what I mean. They print pictures like this every fucking month and I'm just Justin Timberlake, ex-boy band heartthrob turned gay-stay-at-home-dad. They'll be running this shit every fucking week if I make another album."

"So what? It's not like there's a caption that says 'look at those two kids! They're clearly science fiction babies!' Come on, Justin. Everyone sees the resemblance. Everyone. Remember the Advocate interview? They out and out said it. But people don't think it's what it is." Lance grabs the Enquirer from Justin's hands.

"They'll figure it out." Justin looks at his hands.

Lance says, "No, they won't. You know what people think? They think Stacy gave us an egg and your cousin Ginny gave us the other. Not only do people not even think of zebras, they don't even know there are zebras! Seriously."

Justin says, "I wish people thought that they were just horses." He sighs.

*

Lance says, "You know, we should have a party." Justin is driving, long winding roads home from the movie. Another date night done.

Justin turns down the radio and stops singing. He says, "A party? For our anniversary?"

Lance says, "Sure. I mean, five would've been better, but."

"Last year I wasn't sure we'd make it to six." Justin sighs.

Lance winces. "But now you think? Seven seems possible?"

"Definitely. And, really, we already did. You know, it's been ten. But, yeah, I see eleven and fifteen and twenty." Justin grins. "Seriously."

"So we should have a party. I was, uh, thinking, maybe even a costume party and we could invite everyone and it would be fun." Lance smiles.

"Like a theme?"

"Yeah, like the gay 90s. Except the 1990s." Lance watches Justin smirk as they take one turn just a little too fast.

"I'll go as Courtney Love."

"Then we're definitely doing it." Lance pauses. "Want me to handle the arrangements?"

Justin laughs. "Dude, yeah. I think you should do that thing you love."

Lance makes all the arrangements and picks up the invitations a week after Justin agrees to the idea. Five weeks is a little tight for a blow out like this, but Lance is confident he can get everything done.

He drops off Joey and Kelly's invite in person. Joey's in his trailer on a movie set in the Valley and Lance knocks once and just walks in.

"Hey, man, I could've been naked." Joey laughs and hugs Lance.

"And I've never seen that before." Lance grins and hands Joey the invitation. "You, Kelly and Briahna, man. RSVP and all that, okay?"

Joey reads the invitation. "The 1990s? Okay. Who're you going as?"

"Me. In 1998, platinum hair and all. Justin's going as Courtney Love. And the girls are going as Teletubbies." Lance sits down on the rumpled bed.

"Sounds like you have a plan." Joey pauses and looks at his beard in the mirror. "So things are okay? Couples therapy making everything better?"

Lance nods. "Our last session is next week. She said she's given us the tools to make things go smoother. And you know, they really are. Also, we're fucking like we just got together again. So."

"Can't complain about that, can you?" Joey laughs. "Have you convinced him to get back to performing yet?"

Lance sighs. "That, not so much. He's teaching the girls how to play guitar. That's all I've accomplished. But I'm working on that, too."

Joey says, "You know. Maybe that's all he's ever gonna want anymore. He loves the girls."

Lance frowns. "I love the girls, too, man. I'm not giving up the other things I loved. He loves music, he sings along with the radio and has it on whenever the girls aren't around and sometimes, he just makes up harmonies right there. He's never stopped loving it."

"You know what I mean." Joey sits down next to him. "What are you afraid of?"

"I think he'll wake up one day and the girls'll be ten or eleven and they won't want him around all the time and he'll have made up his mind no more performing and he'll be miserable and he won't know what to do and, you know, he'll be miserable and he'll leave me." Lance looks at his hands.

"Maybe he'll find something else to do and he won't be miserable." Joey rubs Lance's back.

"He loves performing. He's just got all these stupid ideas about why he can't anymore. You know, if I honestly thought he was happy completely being home with the girls, I wouldn't be doing any of this. I'd just let it be."

Joey says, "Yeah. Okay."

*

Justin comes through the door of Lance's office and slams it behind him. Lance says, "What's wrong? Where're the girls?"

"The girls are with my mom. What the fuck is this?" Justin throws the latest Enquirer on the desk. No headlines that mention them on the cover and then Lance flips through to find the article.

Lance holds up the article and says, "This? You're pissed."

Justin says, "Yes, I'm fucking pissed. That's you, you did that, didn't you?"

The article says that sources close to the family have confirmed that Stacy donated an egg for Kathy and Justin's cousin Ginny donated one for Livvy. Ginny carried both girls as their surrogate and that's true, at least. There are a number of pictures, all highlighting the resemblances. Lance scans the article to make sure the parts he planted weren't twisted. Lance looks up and says, "Yes."

"You fucking planted this shit. What the fuck were you thinking?" Justin starts pacing.

"I was thinking," Lance says, "that it's something everyone thinks anyway. You agreed. Now no one will think about zebras at all. Just horses."

"That's so fucking disingenuous. Other kids are gonna say this shit to the girls, Kathy's gonna be all, Stacy's my mom?" Justin stops and slaps his hand on the desk. "Did you even tell Stacy that you were gonna do this?"

"I did tell her. And Ginny, come on, you know she wouldn't be upset." Ginny died two years ago from pneumonia. "Look, this is all rumors. If someone says something to the girls, they'll come to us and we'll set them straight. You said you wished someone would spread these rumors. Look, this way it's nothing but horses. No hints of zebras at all. I wanted you to see that people accept this, that you don't have to worry about anyone figuring out these things."

"Oh, God, that's bullshit. Bullshit. You can't think I wanted this."

"I think you do. It's a great fucking cover, it's what people believe anyway and it's not like we told a lie, it's just this rumor that people will just take as truth." Lance stands up. "What were you thinking we would tell the girls, Justin? I mean, really, someday they're gonna learn that two men can't make a baby."

Justin sits down in a chair and says, "I'm still pissed at you, goddamn it. Don't change the subject. I wasn't gonna lie to them, okay? Were you planning to?"

"I was planning on asking you what you thought and then we would decide. Look, this is cover. The best kind, because people won't ask and they think they know and they're wrong but it's believable. I did this for you and for the girls." Lance sits down.

"God, you're such a fucking weasel."

"You used to like that." Lance counts to ten. He thought Justin might be pissed but this is bullshit.

"You used to be a weasel for our careers. And now you're being a weasel because you want me to go back to work and that's just shit. Maybe I just don't want to fucking do it again." Justin rubs his forehead.

"Do you not want to do it again?"

"I don't know." Justin sighs. "I hate this shit. We came out. We've done all this, all of this. And now we're back to lying and covering shit up and --"

"Oh, please. Do you want to tell people? People'll point and stare even more than now when they're just the kids of those famous fags." Lance bites his lip.

"I know! I know that. It's just, God. It's not like the girls don't hear about all of these stories. I don't want them to think, you know, that Stacy is their mom or Ginny and their moms don't love them or something." Justin crosses his legs. He looks defeated.

"We have to talk about that stuff with them anyway, someday. I think, when they hear about this, we'll tell them it's not true. That'll be enough for now. And when they know enough to ask more? I dunno. What do you think?"

"I think." Justin leans back and closes his eyes. "I want to tell 'em the truth. I, you know. When I was a kid my mom said that when people love each other so much, there's all this extra love that comes together and that was me." Justin opens his eyes and almost smiles. "Is that what your mom said?"

"No." Lance grins. "But that doesn't exactly answer the question of how come other kids have a mom and a dad."

Justin sighs. "I think we should tell 'em the truth. And then explain that other people wouldn't understand. But I'm kinda hoping they just never ask."

Lance laughs. "Good luck. I mean, yeah, I think that's the way to go. But they're gonna ask. Kathy, god, we'll be lucky if she doesn't ask tomorrow."

Justin stands up. "Fine. Look, I'm still pissed at you."

"I'm not sorry. But you know, I should've told you, so I'm sorry about that." Lance looks up and Justin considers. He doesn't say anything but he kisses Lance briefly before he leaves.

*

After an hour, Lance is pretty sure it's going to be a good party. He watches people coming in, Livvy in his arms. She's a Teletubby, the green one and she snuggles against his chest. She says, "Daddy, there's a sign attached to the thing on your ear."

"Yes, there's a sign attached to my head mic." Lance grins.

Livvy cranes her neck and reads slowly, "The gay one. Your sign says 'the gay one.'"

Lance smirks. "It's pretty accurate." He shifts her to his other arm and waves at one of his clients. "See, I came as myself. From 1998. We used to wear these." He's got his black Adidas track suit on, he had it sent from the warehouse.

"Your hair is ugly." Livvy ducks her head because she knows it's rude.

"Yes, yes it is. But it's a costume." Lance's stylist would only bleach his hair if Lance swore he would come back tomorrow and get it fixed. Lance isn't that fond of the platinum himself, but he believes in getting things right.

JC and Chris walk up and JC is very clearly Madonna and he looks good. Cone bra and tight corset and it's kinda hot. Chris, though, is dressed like a dumpy older woman. JC leans down and smiles at Livvy. He says, "Livvy?"

Livvy squints at him. She says, "JC?" JC just puts his arms out a little but Livvy's snuggled up on JC's chest before Lance can blink. She says, "You have thingies on your chest."

JC grins. "It's a costume."

"Daddy just got ugly hair and a sign."

Chris laughs. "That's a great sign, man."

"I just wanted to be clear."

Livvy looks at Chris. "You look like my grandma, except not as pretty." She looks down again.

Chris says, "I'm Linda Tripp." He waves a tiny tape recorder. Lance starts to open his mouth and Chris says, "Dude. Linda Tripp, she taped Monica Lewinsky? Ignorant children."

Livvy tugs lightly on JC's hair extensions. She says, "JC?" He turns his head a little and looks down at her. She says, "I have a TV in my tummy."

JC says, "I see. Is anything playing?"

"Not yet." She smiles and clings to JC's neck.

Kathy walks up to Lance and tugs at his pants. Chris immediately scoops her up and says, "Hey! Is that my goddaughter under that costume?"

Kathy giggles. She says, "Yes. Hi, Chris. You look ugly."

Chris says, "It's a costume."

Kathy turns in Chris's arms and says, "Daddy, I have to pee."

Chris says, "Whoa," and puts Kathy in Lance's arms. Lance rolls his eyes and walks to the bathroom. He only looks over his shoulder once and sees Livvy snug in JC's arms.

Lance goes straight to the women's bathroom. Kathy is Kathy and she talks the whole time. She says, "I saw all these people and everyone's in costumes but I recognized auntie Kelly and she was wearing red pants and shirt and it was really really tight and long hair and she has short hair and she said it was a wig. An' Uncle Joey was wearing this huge wig and black pants and a white shirt and this long jacket and he said he was Daddy."

"Because Joey's a big cheater," Lance says as he walks in the bathroom. He goes to the handicapped stall and closes the door behind them. "See, he is dressed as Justin, but he's Justin from 2000 which is not in the 1990s at all." Lance undoes the snap on the headpiece and pushes it down. He turns Kathy around and unzips her costume from the back. It's a full bodysuit so she just steps out of it. She pushes down her undies and scrambles onto the toilet. Lance looks at the floor until she clambers down. She flushes the toilet and holds her hands out.

Justin has trained the girls to be obsessive about washing their hands after they go to the bathroom. The costume has the gloves attached so he can't put that back on her yet. He sighs and picks her up, in just her undies and undershirt and carries her to the sink. She holds her hands out so she doesn't touch or anything. And of course, because it's Kathy she has arms out as far as possible like she's flying.

The sink is pretty high up so Lance holds onto her waist while she sits on the edge of the counter and washes her hands. As soon as she's done she turns around and kisses his cheek. "Thank you, Daddy."

He smiles and lifts her up and puts her down so she's standing on the floor. He grabs her costume and starts putting her back in it when he hears someone behind him saying, "I like your costume, Lance."

Lance turns around and it's Jennifer McGill, successful actress at last and one of Lance's more recent clients. "I'm so glad you could come. And, well, it was pretty cheap as costumes go."

Jennifer smiles at Kathy, and Lance squeezes Kathy's shoulder and says, "Kathy, this is Jennifer."

Kathy holds out her hand and says, "I'm Kathy Timberlake-Bass. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Jennifer shakes her hand and says, "It's a pleasure to meet you, too. That's a very long name."

Kathy nods her head and says, "It is! And I can write my whole name, and I do on all my papers for school and it takes forever because I always write Katherine Timberlake-Bass and that's a lot of letters but I could write my name since I was three and some of the kids in my class can't even write their names and they have very short names. Like only a few letters, not all long like Katherine."

"Well, not everyone learns to write as quickly as you did."

Kathy says, "I know. Daddy says people learn differently and everyone has their thing they're good at and it's rude to point out when you do something better than someone else."

Jennifer grins. Jennifer says, "That sounds like Justin." She's right, it very much does. Lance squeezes Kathy's shoulder again.

"Honey, let's head out." Lance shakes Jennifer's hand, thanks her for coming and says he'll see her out in the throng. He takes Kathy's fuzzy gloved hand in his and they walk back into the party.

Two hours into the party, Lance knows for sure the party is a success. Justin is a little drunk and leaning on Lance's shoulder while they talk to Joey. Lance says, "You're such a cheater."

Joey says, "Come on, am not."

Lance looks at Joey in his Justin outfit. Lance says, "Damn, that's actually Justin's, isn't it? You didn't just get yours and add a fro wig."

"I did," Joey says. "I called up the warehouse and got Justin's opening outfit for the Strings tour. And, you know, got the seamstress on the set to let it out for me. And I decided not to wear the fucking top hat because it would screw with my hair." Joey pats his afro wig. It's about a foot high.

Justin lurches against Lance, and says, "My hair was never that big."

Joey says, "I just wanted people to know instantly who I was, man. Hey, I called you. You said it was okay."

Lance says, "You never called me. I would have said no, you can't wear a Justin costume from 2000. Gay 1990s, Joe. You're a big cheater."

Justin says, "He called me. I said it was okay."

Lance rolls his eyes and Chris walks up before Lance can say more. Chris says, "Okay, guys, come with me." Lance just follows and Justin's hand is in his before he even thinks about it.

Chris has rigged up the stereo and there's five mics laying on the speakers. Justin says, "No way, man."

Chris laughs and says, "Fuck you and your no way. We can have Joey sing your parts. He's got the hair for it."

There's a flash in Justin's eyes that Lance hasn't seen in six years and Lance is almost hard from that one look. Justin's working the kinderwhore Courtney Love in 1994 look with his heavily mascara-ed eyes, smudged eyeliner and bright red lipstick. It's not like Lance generally goes for drag, but then he remembers Justin shaving his legs in the bathroom this afternoon. They have a hotel room tonight and Lance's mom will take the girls home and under those ripped thigh highs, Justin has smooth legs. He puts his arm around Justin and thinks, mine.

Chris grabs a mic and turns off the music, right in the middle of Pearl Jam's Corduroy. He says, "Gather 'round, people. We have a mini show for you."

People start to come forward and Justin says, "Come on, man, we're gonna sound like shit. I haven't warmed up, I've been drinking, people are smoking."

Joey says, "Waah waah, look who's spending all his time with kids for the last few years. You sound five years old."

Justin frowns. He crosses his arms under his fake breasts, and there's a momentary illusion of cleavage. Justin says, "I sound like a professional. Concerned about the quality of the performance."

Lance should have tried this, it's farther than he's ever gotten in snapping Justin back to the point where he remembered what it was to be an entertainer. JC grins and adjusts his cone bra. He says, "Come on, Justin, look at this audience. No one will care."

Lance nudges Justin. "Yeah, babe, look at this audience."

Right in the front, sitting on the floor, there's their two little Teletubbies, looking up with bright eyes, Lance's mom with her hands on their heads. Justin smiles and says, "Fine. Tomorrow I'm gonna show them what we can really do."

Before they pick up the mics, JC leads all of them in a quick set of scales and says, "Drive Myself Crazy and I Thought She Knew, okay?"

And then they do it. Justin's sounded better, and so have Lance and Joey. And they've never quite done an actual singing performance with JC and Justin sporting fake breasts but it works like magic. Snap and you're back, Lance thinks. People cheer and Kathy and Livvy spring up and dance and cheer when it's done. A few second after the clapping is over, Kathy is tugging at the hem of Justin's baby doll dress, saying, "Daddy, Daddy, you sounded so great."

Justin says, "No, not really, but you're sweet to say so." He kisses her forehead and leaves a red mark from the lipstick.

An hour later, the party's swinging, Justin is just a little drunker and singing karaoke Celebrity Skin by the stereo with Chris on demented Linda Tripp bumping and grinding back up. Lance shakes his head and finds himself talking to some girl dressed like Britney from the Baby One More Time video. Britney came as Hillary Clinton and kept offering people cookies before disappearing into the back room with her latest secret girlfriend. The girlfriend is, weirdly enough, dressed as Amy Fisher. Lance's mom just kissed his cheek and started to take the girls away, but now she's waiting for Justin to finish his performance.

The girl is the wife of one of Lance's clients, one of his three rock bands, and the one with two gold records. She looks up at him and says, "Which of the girls is yours again?"

Lance just raises an eyebrow. "They're both mine."

"No, I mean, I read this thing that one of them is, like, really yours and the other is Justin's and your sister's and I was just."

Lance frowns and stares at the girl until her expression changes from blank to scared. Then he says, "I don't think of it like that. They're both my daughters." She scurries away.

And an hour later, everyone's leaving. Lance checks in with the guy from the hotel to make sure everything will get cleaned up and the lost items and the like properly dealt with. Then he grabs Justin by the waist and after a quick wave to the last remaining partiers, they leave. Justin leans over and whispers in Lance's ear, "I think Chris and JC had sex in the back room where the coats were."

"Well, they wouldn't have been the only ones who used that room." Lance pulls Justin into the elevator and says, "We get a nice hotel room and no coats in our way."

Justin says, "Here's to ten more, you know," and they neck in the elevator. Justin pulls away when they get to their floor and says, "God, I hated your hair like this."

Lance says, "I wasn't much of a fan, either, man, but it's a costume. You gotta do it right."

In the room, Lance strips and lies on the bed, watching Justin get naked. First off is the wig, and Lance grins. "Cornrows," he says, smirking.

"Well," Justin says, taking off his high heels, "It worked well under the wig and my hair is long enough, and I thought, why not? Won't kill me for a few weeks. You like?"

"Definitely." Justin takes off his dress and lays it carefully on the chair. After the bra stuffed with the fake breasts is off, Justin stretches a little. Lance says, "Really, you know, just take off the thong, and fuck, Justin, you didn't tell me you were gonna wear a thong."

Justin hooks his thumb in the side of the thong and smirks at Lance. It's a nice sight, Justin with his lipstick smudged, naked from the waist up, in ripped thigh high stockings and this silly black thong. Fucking Justin and his still thin waist, skinny legs and smooth stomach. Lance says, "Get over here now."

The room is hot. Lance can feel the smudges of lipstick on his face, his stomach and chest and now as Justin's wet mouth moves up and down on Lance's dick, he sees the little lipstick traces down there, too and he wonders if Justin used the whole damn tube of lipstick. He's not about to complain. He loves the cornrows, and he tries only a little not to pull too much as he grips Justin's head and lets Justin work his magic. Better than ever, he thinks, hot, wet and tight and God, this is the fucking life.

Justin shakes off Lance's hands and lies back grinning, an obscene pop as he moves back. He says, "Baby," and turns on his side. He pulls his thigh up and Lance finally notices that Justin's had his nails painted black, and they're already chipped. Lance moves behind Justin, slicks up his fingers and says, "There are things about this costume we need to keep. Like, I like the nails. And the lipstick."

Justin laughs and then it's a moan, because Lance's fingers are hard at work. A moan that even after ten years goes right to Lance's spine and travels up and down straight to his dick. Justin reaches back and his chipped nails claw at Lance's ass. Maybe the temperature spikes in the hotel room and maybe it's just Lance. Justin says, "Come on, come on."

Lance pushes in and thinks again, ten years. It's a rhythm, in on ten and out on years. He must be saying it out loud, because Justin says, "Ten more," and then, "Fuck, a hundred more." Lance shifts down on the bed a little, one leg thrown over Justin's waist and he grabs at Justin's leg. The pantyhose are silk and his hands are sweating and Justin's leg shifts and starts to slip away. Lance finds a hole in the pantyhose, and gets three fingers in under the silk. The hole widens and Lance grips Justin's smooth leg, strong muscle under his palm, silk tight on the back of his hand and Lance holds on, pushes in over and over again.

The room is hot like a fire, or it's just Lance and either way, Lance comes like the hottest pyro ever, bright white-hot and he's lost in the sound and light. They shift and move and Lance manages to say, "Really, leave the hose for the night, please?"

Justin grins and pulls the covers over them. He says, "You know, we had less mess to fuck with back in the day when we used condoms."

"Well, you know." Lance is pretty much not up for much conversation now.

"No, no complaints here, you know. I'm just saying. Less mess. I like it better now, I do. Advantages, uh, of monogamy."

Justin runs his hand over Lance's hip, up and down. Lance smiles. He says, "Okay, and you know, since I've never asked this before, it's not some whack jealousy thing because I don't know the number before me, but how many, uh, guys have you been with? Just wondering."

Justin laughs. "It's pretty sad, uh." Justin pauses and Lance watches Justin count in his head, pretty pink tongue peeking out of his mouth while he concentrates. Justin says, "Damn, six. Six guys ever, by any definition that excludes just kissing. Add in girls and it's still only twenty-four. Sexual partners. Of course, last ten years and it's only one. You know."

"Me, too. Last ten years, I mean. Not that you don't know that." Lance kisses Justin and tastes him again, and the lipstick, now reduced to a faint smudge.

"But overall," Justin says. "You're at more than twenty-four?"

Lance blushes. "Uh, well, you know, four girls and yes. More than you."

"More than double?" Justin is smiling, teasing.

"Yup. More than triple, but less than, uh, quadruple. Still in double figures."

"So tell me the number. Because it's the final number, you know?" Justin moves his hand from Lance's hip to his ass and pulls him closer.

"The final number is, uh, I think, ninety-one. All four girls and the rest, you know, cute boys. Before you." Lance pushes even closer, silk with tiny pulls and tears rubbing against his legs.

"Before us." Justin closes his eyes and turns off the light. "Happy anniversary, baby. I love you forever."

Lance says, "Me, too," before he falls asleep wrapped up tight with Justin.

The next day, Lance gets back to the house at 2pm, after his hair appointment. His stylist clucked and sighed and dyed his hair to brown, with stern admonitions about never ever throwing some awful costume party again because the platinum hair was just a travesty. Lance's stylist is very cute, very out and all of twenty-four years old. Only ten years younger than Lance and it seems like a whole different continent.

He finds the girls and Justin in the living room, Kathy in shorts and a t-shirt sitting on the floor with Doggy and Livvy springs up from the couch and runs over to say hi. She's still wearing her teletubby costume, minus the headpiece. Lance says, "Livvy, honey, you're still in your costume."

She grins and twirls. "Isn't it great? It's so comfy. It's like pjs! I'm not ever gonna wear anything else."

Behind Livvy, Justin turns around to look at Lance and makes a face. He says, "Livvy, you can't wear it to school, we talked about that."

"But you said all the rest of the time was okay." Livvy twirls again and hugs Lance's legs. She looks up and says, "Your hair. It's different again."

"Yup." Lance looks over and the TV is on, which is shocking. Even more shocking is that the entire screen is filled with Joey and Chris from the Madison Square Garden concert. Lance picks up Livvy and says, "We're watching TV?"

He sits down next to Justin and Livvy scrambles out of his arms. She sits next to Kathy and starts petting Doggy. Kathy turns around and kisses Lance's knee and mouths "hello." He pats her head and mouths back, "I love you." She grins and turns back to the screen.

Justin scratches at one of his braids and says, "We are. I wanted to show the girls how we sound when we're properly warmed up and rehearsed and not drunk and actually, you know, good."

Kathy keeps her eyes on the screen and says, "We've been watching since Daddy got home a few hours ago."

Lance says, "I thought, what happened to only a half hour a day?"

Justin shrugs. "This isn't TV, really, it's home movies." He stares and fast forwards. "We're skipping that one, girls. It's boring."

Livvy says, "Digital Getdown is boring, Daddy says." She stumbles over the word digital, but she does get it.

Lance says, "Boring? Like Space Cowboy, I see."

Justin rolls his eyes and leans over to whisper in Lance's ear. "Fuck it, I've already had enough damn questions about what's wrong with JC's pants. And the choreography on those two is all sexual. I'm not explaining that shit this afternoon."

Lance smiles. He says, "You're watching this all out of order, you know. Did you start with the human beatbox?"

Justin sticks his lower lip out and then says, "Maybe." He fiddles with the remote and cues up another video. "It was good. I was good."

"You are," Lance says.

Kathy says, "It was pretty. Were you and Daddy all in love then?"

Justin says, "Nope. That was back when I was with someone else and Lance was, uh, single." Single and fucking around a lot, but that's another story and also not for this afternoon.

Livvy says, "I wanna see one from when you two were in love." She turns around and smiles up at them. "Please?"

Justin says, "Okay." He fiddles with the remote and pulls up a performance of an older song from their last tour. Justin is beautiful and he sounds timeless and Lance thinks he might be a little biased. On the screen he sees himself, six years younger, looking at Justin just like he looks at Justin now. It was their last tour and Lance didn't work very hard to hide things he knew he'd be telling when it was all over.

Livvy says, "Pretty. Is that song about Daddy?"

Justin says, "Yes, it very much is. I wrote it, you know."

Lance says, "It is? I thought, okay, I thought." He thought it was about Chris.

Justin rolls his eyes. "You're really dumb sometimes, babe. One hundred percent about you, from opening note to final riff." Lance grins, feels stupid.

Kathy says, "Daddy, you said it's bad to call people dumb."

Justin says, "Yes, and that was rude of me." He puts his hand on Lance's crotch and caresses a little. The girls are watching the screen and Justin is smirking. "I'm sorry, Lance."

Lance bites his lip and moves Justin's hand. "Apology accepted."

The girls watch the screen, staring and concentrating. It's not like Justin hasn't been singing to them and even beatboxing since they were babies. Justin and Lance, singing all the time and Lance supposes it's just different, seeing their two dads actually performing. Justin presses a button and says, "Here we go, this is from when I was seventeen and Lance was nineteen and this one made us huge in America. So we could afford your clothes and this house, or not really, because all the money we made from this got good and ripped off. But it was a good start." He laughs and cues up the Disney special.

The girls giggle and Livvy says, "What is JC wearing? What are you wearing, Daddy? Look at Chris's hair!"

Justin says, "It was fifteen years ago, fashion was different then."

Kathy says, "Silly!" Then they're quiet and after Lance flips Chris on the screen, they both say, "Cool."

When it's over, Justin says, "Girls, why don't you go upstairs and I'll be up in a few, okay?"

Kathy grabs Livvy's hand and tugs her along as they walk upstairs. They're both grinning and Lance feels like a storm has passed somehow, that they can say that to the girls and not have them nervous and worried that this is the end. No end, he thinks.

Lance says, "Yes?"

Justin says, "I have some conditions."

Lance says, "On what?"

Justin crosses his arms and stares at the blank screen. "I'll never ever have a nanny but I was talking to my mom and she said she'd come with us and watch the girls. And, also, you know, I won't use some fucking studio that's all far away. I want to use the one in JC's house so I can just go over whenever and work around the girls being in school."

Lance says, "Oh." He knows he's smiling like his face might split.

Justin says, "Yeah, oh. You win. I have a last condition before I do this, okay?"

"You don't have to, Justin. I want you to do it because I want YOU to want it. I want you to be happy." Lance rubs Justin's shoulder.

"I know. I know. You're right, I mean, you were right that I wasn't letting myself really think about it because of all that other stuff. You're right about the zebras and you're right that I can do both. I mean, Brit does it, and her boy's only three. And she doesn't even have someone like you, you know, she doesn't have someone to do it all with." Justin frowns, and shakes his head. But Lance isn't interested right now in rehashing that whole story and Brit's broken heart after her personal trainer knocked her up and left her three years ago. Anyway, Brit's back to the girls now and much happier.

Lance says, "Right. Good. Because you have me and your mom and it'll be good. You know, it won't be like it was. It won't even be like your last solo tour, you know."

Justin smiles. "Yeah, I know. Now I'm the big gay guy with his two kids and all the screaming girls will be gone and I'll have to give interviews and now I'll be saying "please don't talk about my daughters," and they'll ignore me mostly. And," Justin licks his lips. "I have one last condition."

Lance waits. Justin says, "You have to manage me."

Lance grins. "Well, you know, I sure wouldn't want some client who's definitely going to make a great album and be at least a modest hit-maker and the hottest person I've ever taken ten percent from. That definitely doesn't work for me."

Justin laughs. "Can't I just pay you in sex?"

"I get that anyway, Justin, and I'd like to remind you that I have two children to support."

Justin laughs again and finally looks away from the screen. He turns and gets in Lance's lap, warm and heavy and he smells like dog and soap and home. He says, "I have two kids to support, too, mister, and I can't have you ripping me off. So, you know, don't think I won't be checking twice on all those royalty checks and the like."

Lance holds Justin's waist and says, "I love you, really, and I would still even if you decided you didn't want this, you know." Justin nods.

They're kissing on the couch when Livvy comes running down the stairs, shrieking with her hands full of something as Kathy chases her. Kathy's holding one of Livvy's stuffed animals and saying, "Gonna flush it down the toilet, I will, I will! Give it back!" Doggy stands up and barks and Justin rests his forehead against Lance's flushed cheek.
 
Justin says, "Okay. Let's hold that thought for a few minutes."

Sometime later Justin's making dinner and Lance and the girls are playing some new game Justin bought. Like all the games Justin buys for the girls, it's approved by three different PhDs and very very educational and developmentally correct. Lance hears Justin singing Gone, and he smiles. He says to the girls, "Doesn't he sound great?"

Kathy grins and says, "Yes."

Lance says, "Wait until you hear what he can do, you won't believe how great he can be."

Livvy smiles and rolls the dice and moves her red plastic piece on the brightly colored board.

THE END

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