NOTES AND DISCLAIMERS: For Without Me's Garbage challenge. Thanks to Younger for plotting. And thanks to Kel, Katie and Younger for betas. All mistakes mine. Opening quote from Garbage's Push It. All made up, clearly.

Come on push it you can do it
Come on prove it nothing to it
Come on use it let's get through it
Come on push it you can do it

Lance decided JC Chasez was one of the most attractive men he'd ever seen in his life about two seconds after he saw him in person. He looked up as he walked out of the audition and all he could think was, I better get this fucking job. He decided next that he would absolutely get it, he had a plan, he would get what he wanted and it would be this job and JC Chasez.

The role was on Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow, just a day player but with potential. A homicide detective. His landlord loved the show and had watched since the premiere back in the early 70s. The casting director was one Lance had auditioned for twice already and he thought that might be a bad thing since she hadn't cast him the last two times. But she smiled and remembered him and he thought the audition had gone well.

Two more callbacks and he got it. The best day of his life, really, he was sure of it.

He'd quit college after a year and come to Hollywood. He'd always wanted to be an actor and that wouldn't happen in Oxford, Mississippi. He'd done okay. Commercials and voice work and guest shots. He'd died on Buffy twice with only one line each time, and he'd had three lines on four different UPN sitcoms. He'd never had to hustle or do porn, though he'd gone to dinner with a few guys he wouldn't have said yes to if he'd been able to afford dinner himself.

So he was doing okay. He was very good about his money and he'd only had to ask his mother for more once. But he was waiting, working for something big.

He immediately fell in love with the soap schedule and the work. He worked mostly the first three weeks with Chris Kirkpatrick directing, acting with a couple of different actresses and Joey Fatone. Joey he fell in love with after two days, but not the same kind of love he had for JC already.

The acting was show up, memorize the lines quickly, and look menacing and serious. He was investigating a murder; he didn't know where things were going from there. Joey played the lawyer that everyone in town hired, "Steve." Lance was pretty glad that his character wasn't one of those stupid soap cops, the kind that arrests everyone and then has to release them.

He only had one scene with JC in the first two weeks, but he thought it went well. JC was serious about the performing, he radiated serious intent. Then the scene was over and he was giggling and poking Chris in the stomach. Lance thought Joey was the best ever, but he thought he'd kill to fuck JC. Just that beautiful.

So he cornered his landlord one morning. "Gracie, I know you know. Gimme the lowdown."

She grinned. "Now you're on a soap and you want to hear all about my stories? Fine. But I better hear some dirt from you." She looked down at her chipped nails. "Pull up a chair, I gotta do my nails."

She said, "So. JC Chasez. He started back when he was fourteen. He has some good stories for that age, you know. Playing Joshie, whose parents are Carl and Faith, or so we thought. But, you don't care. Anyway, Faith is still on the show, though not the same actress, and her mother is Petra, who, you know, she's the queen bee. She's it. So Joshie, you know, he did something. JC was always good but he grew up cute enough and handled his little teen romances pretty well. Those were the Lou years, back when he was the head writer." Gracie leaned over and tapped her nail polish jar on the counter.

"Lou fired all the kids. Pretty much everyone under 18. Just decided he'd been catering to the kids market too much. So he fires all the kids. And then he quits and goes to that other show. You know, Dreams of Love. I hate that show. They have that awful Kevin Richardson on it, I can't stand him. I see him, I change the channel." Lance cleared his throat. "Okay, okay, back to JC. So, a year later, they get Johnny Wright as head writer, who is still head writer and he rehires two of the kids. Josh and Jay. You know, Chasez and Timberlake. And they've both been pretty hot since."

Lance said, "Okay."

Gracie said, "You're gonna tell me things that happen, right? Right?"

"Nothing to say but that I like it." Lance sat for another cup of coffee while Gracie finished her nails.

The murder mystery looked pretty impossible to solve and so he got a contract for four months. He'd met everyone by then, even Johnny Wright. Johnny had smiled and patted his shoulder and kept moving down the hall.

He didn't have his own dressing room or anything, not like JC or Mandy Moore, who played JC's girlfriend, Savannah. He shared with two other short-term contract guys. They all worked different stories and he barely knew either of them. He hung out with Joey, whenever he could.

"Man," Joey said. "Justin's all bright shiny boy lately, he's angling to get his own dressing room. Maybe we could share if he leaves mine, you know?"

"That would rock." Lance looked around and looked back at Joey. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

Joey shrugged. "Fire away."

"It's, okay, I was wondering about dating."

"Ahhh. Someone here? Totally okay, man, no one cares. Everyone does it. Just don't let it spill over. That shit'll get you knocked down."

Lance fiddled with his shirt collar. "Right, I got that. I was thinking, uh, you know, you don't want to ask someone who's not available. To be asked."

Joey stared at him for a minute. "Oh. You're asking. Okay. Hey, let's do this in the dressing room, man, 'kay?" They walked over and Lance tried not to worry that he'd offended Joey. He was pretty sure he hadn't, but he liked Joey.

Joey sat down in his comfy chair and waved Lance to take Justin's. "Just don't touch his shoes. He's weird, man. Great guy, but a little weird. Child stars, you gotta watch out for the little "quirks" -- trust me." Joey grinned. Lance relaxed. Joey said, "You're, uh, gay, right?"

Lance nodded. Joey said, "Are you out?"

Lance shrugged. "I guess. No one ever asks me. You know? The publicity people just asked if I'm single or married and I said single. Because I am. And, you know, no one's ever interviewed me. I don't know. Everyone knows, I mean, friends and family."

"Yeah, it's not a problem. I don't care, no one will care. So, you want to know about guys? Let's see. Justin, eh, let's just say he's not available. Complicated." Joey frowned. "Chris, he used to direct gay porn, but he had a girlfriend for a long time. She was on here, Dani? Then she got a job on a New York soap and they broke up. I think, but you know, he likes guys, too. JC, hmm. I guess he's available. He used to go with Tony? Did you ever watch back then? Tony played Jeff Chambers, went off to find his natural parents and never came back. Heh. And JC's had a girlfriend or two in there, too, but I think. Yeah, we'll say available."

Lance stopped listening. Joey was listing other actors, guys from Dreams Of Love, which filmed right across the way; make up artists, costuming people, props, writers. But Lance was just thinking about JC, available. He said, "Cool."

Joey said, "And me. I guess, sort of. I've done that, but. Not you. You know?"

"You don't like me?"

"I don't wanna date you. Dude, you're hot, but. We're friends. You know?"

"Okay, okay." Lance smiled. "It's fine. Completely."

Justin got his own dressing room and Lance got to share with Joey. He put up his pictures of his mother and arranged his stuff carefully, didn't want to make a fuss. He didn't know if he'd get another contract. His character, James, kept investigating that murder. But Lance had hope, because James also started getting called for all the minor crimes that happened in San Orlando. He got to yell at some punk girl for falsely reporting a rape, and he ended up doing a scene with nearly every cast member. He was glad to see it looked like he was being thrown at a number of the female cast members. Maybe they'd give him a romance. Lance was sure he'd do okay with those, if he got one.

He got his first fan letters and emails about two weeks after he signed the four-month contract. It was really exciting. He read the first letter a few different times and tucked it in his drawer. Silly, really, even Joey got about ten or fifteen letters a week, and he was only the show two days a week and didn't ever really have a story. But it was Lance's first.

The murder investigation started to spiral towards a conclusion and Josh was being framed by the real killer. Lance had no idea who that was, but he knew Josh was being framed. He had a lot of scenes with JC and Mandy. He thought his scenes with JC were really good. JC stopped by his dressing room once or twice, after the scenes and talked about music and acting. Lance mostly just sat and nodded, he was happy just watching JC. They were getting closer, definitely a good thing.

He was offered another four-month contract and he signed it happily. Two days later, he got called to Johnny's office. Chris told him not to worry, but that seemed like stupid advice. Johnny sat behind a big desk, in a very large room. Lance folded his hands in his lap and didn't smile.

Johnny said, "You're doing good, Lance, we're really happy with how things are going."

"Good, good." Lance grimaced.

"I had a question for you." Lance nodded. "Are you gay?"

Lance blinked. Beat, beat, tick tock, there was a clock in the room somewhere. Lance hadn't even rehearsed what he would do if anyone asked. He should have. He was so stupid. He opened his mouth and said, "Yes." He hadn't planned that either.

"It's okay." Johnny smiled. "You're not in trouble. I was, uh, I was wondering. Are you out?"

"Uh. I mean. You're the first person who asked. I mean, from the show. It's never come up before. I guess I am. All my family knows. I should. Maybe it'd be better if I weren't?" He looked up at Johnny.

"No, don't worry about it." Johnny smiled. "So, I guess, the answer to my question would be no, you wouldn't mind if we made James gay, right?"

"No. I mean, I wouldn't mind. Are you, uh, is this part of writing me off?"

Johnny stood up and shook Lance's hand, so Lance knew the meeting was over. "We're not writing you off. It happens, of course, but not just yet. Not for you."

He wasn't being written off. He didn't hear from Johnny for the whole next week, but he clung to that, he wasn't being written off. He heard through Joey that JC had two meetings with Johnny and that made him nervous. A nervous week.

And then the week was over and after a meeting that morning with Johnny, Lance sat next to JC in another meeting. Johnny, the producers, big sponsors, the network people. A few other writers. Lance rubbed his chin and then clasped his hands in his lap. This would be fun.

Johnny stood up and said, "I guess you're all wondering why I called you here." He snorted. "That's not as much fun to say as I thought it would be. Anyway, here's the deal. Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow has always had a tradition of bucking tradition, of being cutting edge and presenting stories other soap operas shy away from. I called all of you all here because we're planning right now to have the first gay love story with two major characters, pretty much ever, on soaps."

One of the network guys said, "These two? I don't think James is a major character." Lance tried not to grin. It was stupid, but he'd been thinking the same thing. Johnny had gone over all this, just a few hours ago, but Lance was still in shock, really.

Johnny said, "Major enough. He's popular. Anyway, yes. The storyline will go like this: Savannah will discover James is gay, try to blackmail him to head off the murder investigation of Josh. James exposes the blackmail and Josh breaks up with Savannah because she acts like she thinks he's the killer. Josh goes on trial, James finds the crucial evidence that clears him and makes it clear Louisa was the killer, Josh and James hook up."

"Ratings fall, sponsors flee. Seriously, people tune in to see romance and love, not two guys getting it on." Sponsor asshole. Lance clasped his hands harder. His nails dug into his knuckles.

Johnny said, "I don't think so. Will & Grace. All My Children made Erica Kane's daughter, made Bianca a lesbian. Kerry's a lesbian on ER. Don't tell me people won't watch gay romances. We'll have an opportunity to bring in a whole new audience and they'll stay when they see how good the show is."

"Are they gonna kiss?" A woman from the network made a face. Lance clenched his hands and looked down.

"Twice for sure. We'll see how much more we let them do depending on how the audience reacts. But they'll definitely be together. And we can hype it and get people watching."

"What if it goes to shit? What if you're wrong about people wanting to see this?" This from another network guy.

"If the reaction is really negative, and I don't expect it will be, James dies in the line of duty and Josh mourns and moves on. We're not making him gay; we're making him bisexual. Flexible. Whatever."

One of the sponsors looked over at Lance. "So, how do the actors feel?"

Johnny glanced at the two of them. "They're fine."

"You don't mind playing a gay man? Kissing another guy?"

Lance said, "I'm gay." Which was probably a mistake, but he just kept saying it.

JC finally looked up, first time all meeting and he said, "And I'm bi, too," a little bobble in his voice as he said it.

One of the producers leaned forward and said, "Can we say that? Cause that's a story. Right there. JC Chasez comes out, his character comes out, we can make a lot of news that way. And the good kind of news, people will definitely be watching."

JC nodded and swallowed. Then he said, "Yes, I'd be okay with that."

"Wait," sponsor person said, "what if it goes wrong? So we have the bisexual actor back with girls?"

Johnny shrugged. "We recast. We've had four actors playing Faith, and JC's been the best and the longest for Josh, but we can recast." JC had heard that before, he knew that, Lance was sure. He only twitched and Lance only saw it because he was staring at JC.

"When does this start playing out? What's our timeline?"

Johnny smiled. "We're filming the scenes where Savannah starts blackmailing James this week. We'll have Josh and James together in about eight weeks. So we'll have time to see how people react to James being gay and we'll be building the other parts. Then we hit with the press and then we smash every other daytime program dead. Ratings will be great, gentlemen."

Lance's agent had yelled at him. He yelled at Lance about telling Johnny, he yelled again when he heard about the story. He yelled a lot when Lance said he was fine with being out in the press. His agent said, "You know, from now on, the only parts you're going to get are gay guys. When they write you off, you'll never get another part that isn't "gay man." You understand that?"

"There's a lot of parts nowadays for gay guys." Lance sighed. "Maybe you can get me on Queer As Folk?"

"You're living in a dream world. There aren't. You're typecast from now to forever."

"What about Rupert Everett?"

"You're nothing like him. You're from fucking Mississippi, Lance, you're not from England." His agent didn't want to milk the publicity too much, and Lance was fine with that. He knew he'd be okay. He wasn't sure why he was so confident, he probably would die in a hail of bullets on the show, but he still thought everything would be okay.

Lance still got laid. He went to the same clubs and his same gym, except now people recognized him from the show. Cute guys, left and right. Lance even had some money and he was pretty sure there was once or twice when someone agreed to go to dinner with him because they knew he could pay. Lance didn't give a fuck. Anyone who thought Lance wasn't hot enough to eat with and fuck had way too high standards. Lance was plenty hot.

He didn't want JC that way. Not just one night in a bathroom or one night at his apartment and cab fare home. He wanted to wake up with JC and go to bed with him. Maybe if things went well, he thought, he'd have that on the show and at home. And then everything would be perfect. Things kept going Lance's way, he had hope. It would keep up.

On the show, they were building up to the big kiss, to Josh pushing himself on James. But they weren't quite there yet. The episodes where James came out had already aired. Lance checked his mail every morning and read message boards. Things were okay. Not universally positive, but not that bad. Spoilers were leaking out and Lance was nervous, but not too much. He ignored the hate mail and the mailroom people kept him from seeing the worst of it. He knew there was more positive than negative mail.

He went to JC's dressing room to ask about a scene they were doing later that day. JC had his own dressing room and he sat in the middle, on the floor, on a pretty pink rug. "Hey, JC."

JC looked up and pressed his lips together. Then he said, "Hey."

"You, uh, you okay?"

JC shrugged. "I. Sure. It's just, you know, I really don't want to be recast. I don't want to lose my job. I think. I'm really good at this. I'm really proud of what I do."

"You are really good. It'll be okay." Lance sat down next to JC on the rug. "Seriously, JC."

"It's, you know. Only my mom calls me Josh. My mom and every fan I meet. It's kind of funny. I like hearing it sometimes. And then no one will call me that except my mom. I really. I love this job."

Lance reached over and hugged JC. JC hugged him back and buried his face in Lance's shoulder. Lance patted JC's back. "It'll be okay."

JC pulled back. "You think?"

"I hope so. It should be. You're great."

JC laughed. "I'm really not." He stood up and reached out his hand to pull Lance up. Then he sat by his mirror and said, "Okay. Okay. Feeling much better now, man, so I'm going to memorize this scene and see you later." JC looked over at him and smiled. "Thanks, man, seriously. I couldn't do this without you."

Lance patted JC's shoulder and walked out. Like walking on air. He was pretty sure JC was attracted to him. Everyone talked about their on-air chemistry. Everyone. Johnny had noticed it, that's why the story had happened. And Lance really liked JC. JC seemed to really like him. Lance had watched JC's 20/20 interview the week before, alone in his apartment. But he'd called JC as soon as it was over and talked to him for an hour. Lance knew that was a good sign.

Two days later he came into his dressing room in the morning and found Justin. Justin, setting up his little table. All of Justin's stuff squeezed in with Lance and Joey's. Lance said, "Hi. What's, um, you're in with us?"

Justin didn't look up as he stuck a little picture in his mirror. It looked like Justin at fourteen, maybe, with Susan Lucci. Justin said, "Well, yes, since apparently only you and JC are allowed to fuck men or something."

Lance leaned against his own table. Justin sighed and turned around. "Sorry, I'm sorry, Lance. This doesn't have anything to do with you. It's just, you know, you weren't here yesterday. I got in trouble and it really sucks for you and Joey because they're not gonna fire me or anything, they're just being pricks. And they stuck me back in here without asking you two and I'm sorry. Really."

He looked sorry. Lance said, "You got in trouble?"

Justin shrugged. "Well, you know. They were pissed. Because I was dating Nick Carter. You know? From Dreams Of Love. I dunno, maybe not dating. That sounds wrong. We were having sex. And I did like him. Anyway, that was a BAD THING. I dunno." Justin sat down on the floor and rubbed his temples. "So now we're not supposed to see each other again or I'll get in real trouble and also, no more private dressing room."

Lance frowned. He jammed his hands in his pocket. Not going to think about it. He smiled and said, "Well, let's arrange this better, then, shall we?"

Justin smiled back. He was very attractive when he did that. Lance was hauling things around when Joey came in. Joey joined right in. He said, "Yo, Timberlake, we need to have a dressing room talk about where all your fucking sneakers go," and kept up with that until Justin laughed.

Three weeks later, Lance stood nervously on the set, Josh's living room. "Kissing day!" Chris grinned and stepped behind the camera. Lance smoothed down his suit and sat down on the couch. Blocking done, rehearsed once. There were a lot more people around than normal, network suits, people gawking. Justin and Joey were sitting in a back corner, and Lance counted them as the only friendly faces.

JC sat down on the other corner of the couch and went through his "about to act" exercises, stretching his neck and shoulders. He shook his head and looked up. "Ready," he said.

Chris nodded and noises were made and then they started. JC flailed his arms. He said he was grateful, grateful that James had saved him. Lance stayed in his seat and made serious faces. Then JC moved over, closer and then he was saying the cue: "Since I met you, I was angry when I met you. But now. James." JC leaned over and kissed him. First kiss, Lance thought and then went back to acting.

He pushed JC away as Chris called "cut." Chris said, "Okay, once more and not so stiff. Okay?"

JC nodded and went back to his end of the couch. Lance nodded and rubbed his lips. They got it right on the third take. Three kisses.

Chris smiled and clapped his hands. "Airs in three weeks, cats and kittens." He looked nervous, too. Everyone looked nervous. Lance was just happy. Day spent kissing JC couldn't be a bad one. And he knew everything would work out.

It took three weeks for Josh and James to get sort of together. Then there was another kissing scene; one where James didn't stop everything because he thought Josh was just being grateful or confused. They stopped after the first take to watch the first kissing scene, airing that day. JC watched, eyes narrowed, standing a little apart from everyone. Lance went and stood next to him. It was theirs, really, more than anyone else's. He patted JC's shoulder as the show went to commercial. People cheered as the episode ended. Johnny said, "Back to work, people, now the hard work. We make this stick, people. We make it stick."

Four takes to make the second kiss work. Things were really tense for two weeks, even though the ratings stayed high. "They just want to see the second kiss," JC said, sighing. "I really, I just hate this."

"Being really famous?" Lance smiled and sat down next to JC on the couch in JC's dressing room.

JC sighed. "I hate this. All of this. I just want to concentrate on my craft. My acting. And not the rest of this. I feel so exposed every time I go out and everywhere I go, it's like, people see me, not like, as an actor, which I am, man, but as this gay guy. I just hate it."

Lance moved over on the couch. "Don't worry, it'll blow over. We'll be together forever." He grinned and hoped he didn't look too silly.

"Josh and James are in love, man." JC laughed. "Josh and James forever!"

Lance patted JC's hand. "Do you, um, you know, you could go out with me. Just, you know, go to a club or something, you and me, not like a date, but then, you know, we'd both be exposed. Together. Um, they'd maybe even stare more at me."

JC blushed. "I bet they would, man, we totally should. We really should."

So they went out a few days later, a nice club Lance liked. JC started dancing after one drink and didn't stop the whole night. Lance tried a little, always near JC, but he liked watching better. Watching JC.

At three a.m., JC flopped down next to him and said, "You ready to go? This was awesome!"

Lance grabbed JC's hand and said, "Yeah, let's go." He was warm and drunk and JC didn't let go. Lance was smiling so much he thought his face would split.

Things, things kept going Lance's way. They went back to his neat, little apartment and kissed over and over again on the couch. JC even pushed Lance back; tugged at his shiny shirt he'd bought just that day and ripped it. JC pulled it off, ran his hands over Lance's chest like he was memorizing it. "You're really hot," JC said as he clutched at Lance's shoulders. It was pretty perfect. The sex, the sex was amazing. Lance woke up sticky, with a crick in his neck from sleeping on the couch and with JC half on top of him and he was the happiest he'd ever been.

JC rolled off the couch and laughed. "Okay, okay, we need. That was really great, Lance, but."

And then not so happy. "Right, I know."

JC blinked and rubbed at his eyes. "You know? What I was going to say? I just. I think, you know, you and me. We could do this again. Maybe once or twice, but we need to be clear that it's not a thing. We can't be a thing. We can't. You know, you're so important to me."

JC sat back on the floor, naked. It was the prettiest thing ever. Except it felt like a knife, twisting. JC said, "You're so important to me and it was so nice of you to take me out and I had so much fun but I just, you know. You're so important to me. Like, my friend who understands all this. Being out and exposed and all of that. It's too weird to be dating you on the show and in real life and it's too weird to maybe lose one of my dearest friends, seriously, you so are one of my dearest friends, does that make sense?"

Lance stood up. He rubbed his stomach and said, "Yeah, it makes sense. I need to shower. I have an early call."

Lance stopped going to clubs after the second time he saw JC at two of his favorites. He couldn't watch JC dancing up to the boys, bright and glowing. He couldn't stand it. He sat with JC at work; he still went by his dressing room. They were the best of friends.

Lance had been right in his stupid confidence. The ratings stayed good, people loved Josh and James. They only lost two sponsors and they picked up three more. JC was bigger than ever, Lance got signed to a year contract. True love, Josh and James forever.

Lance didn't tell anyone, because what was there to tell? He'd created something in his head, it hadn't happened. It wasn't so bad. Just because Lance hadn't ever felt that way about someone before, just because everything had been rolling his way so perfect and he never thought he'd be disappointed again, just because of all of that. Nothing to tell.

He had it all figured out, again. He was going to keep getting what he wanted. He just wouldn't want something as big as JC anymore.

THE END

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