DISCLAIMER: All made up. All imagined, for entertainment only.
SUMMARY: Companion piece to Your Life Is Now. Helps to read that one first. "I wouldn't be here if I weren't happy to see you, he tells me; if you don't tell me that you're happy, I think to myself, I don't feel it's true." - Melanie Thernstrom.
NOTES: Title and all quotes from Melanie Thernstrom's The Dead Girl. And that book and Helen's Freely Given & The Way You Do It influenced this, as is true of way too much of what I write. Also, too many viewings of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and discussions of the genius of Joss Whedon. Thanks to my j-lo and Tiff the cuter.

LIGHTED WINDOWS

I. So: why can't I trade five minutes of after-time for before-time?

It's just another night and not even a party, just the five of them and beers at Joey's house after a pointless meeting about t-shirt designs. Chris is re-enacting a scene from a soap opera he saw at the dentist's the day before and he's using a British accent for all the dialogue. Justin is laughing with little snorts and tapping his beer on an end table. Lance says something to Joey about preschools and Joey giggles. JC leans against the wall and just watches because it's prettier than the sunset over the Grand Canyon, his best friends and everything's right. JC puts downs his beer because he's clearly had too much to drink if he's thinking sentimental shit like that.

Justin wanders over to Lance, and JC looks down to count. Three beers so here he goes again, and this time JC grabs Justin's arm. He says, "Dude, J, you know what he's going to say. Why keep asking?"

Justin grins and wobbles a little. He never falls. "You gotta ask, man. Got to."

"Why always ask in the way you know he will say no?" JC grins back and Justin's gaze flicks over to Lance, back to JC. So JC knows they're both clear about what they're talking about but JC knew that already.

Justin makes an exaggerated face of drunkenness and says in one of his comic voices, "Cause I'm scared he might say yes otherwise."

He totters away and JC thinks, oh. Typical Justin in a way, who would always seek success but then in this one case is too afraid or something. JC knows he's lost in drunken circles of his own, and his best bet would be to get some water and bread or something or he'll be hung over tomorrow. Instead he watches Justin hit on Lance for the eight millionth time. Justin leans over Lance a little, bats his eyelashes, says something obscene. Lance blushes and looks a little pissed, points at the beer bottle in Justin's hand and walks away to the bathroom a little faster than JC expected.

It's time to go, and Justin hugs Joey as he says, "See you later, man, I love you."

Joey pats him on the back, says, "You're a fun drunk, little boy. See you tomorrow."

Chris is sober, so JC, Justin and Lance get into his car without asking if he'll drive them home. Chris sighs but does it anyway. Justin sits in the back seat and makes little puppy eyes at Lance sitting next to him, sighs loudly. "Pretty, pretty boys who don't want the prettiest boy of all," Justin says. Lance turns away from Justin and snorts.

Chris stops in front of Justin's house and says, "Lance doesn't want JC? I didn't know that." He winks at Justin and Justin clambers out, smacking Chris on the shoulder.

Justin turns around and says to them, "I love you all. Thank you for the ride," and blows kisses with both hands. "Good night, good night!" and then he turns around as they wave and say goodbye.

JC presses his face against the cool window, watches Justin walking up his driveway in that familiar loping walk until the car has turned the corner and Justin's gone. JC's drunk, he knows he's so drunk, and he keeps saying, "bye, bye, baby boy," under his breath for a few minutes until they get to JC's house and he stumbles out.

The first call comes at one p.m. and JC's just barely up. Only a slight hangover, really, but he doesn't want to get out of bed. He grabs the phone and it's Lynn, sounding slightly frazzled. Only slightly, so JC doesn't even open his eyes as he talks to her. She asks if he's heard from Justin and JC says no. She says he was supposed to meet her for lunch, meet her at noon and she came by the house and he's not there. He got up and went somewhere, she can tell that, but he's not there now. JC says he just got up and he hasn't heard from Justin. Lynn asks him to check his messages and call her back if he hears from Justin. JC says okay and goodbye. He checks his messages, even his pager and cell phone because Justin doesn't blow off his mother, but there's nothing, no messages at all so he forgets about it and goes downstairs to make something to eat.

II. Adam tells me I look like an illustration in a very happy children's story. I must remember that, I think to myself, and write it down in my diary, and hope that if my life is a story that line will be read as a definitive comment. Girls in children's stories do not have their best friends murdered ...

The second call comes at four p.m. and it's Lynn again. She sounds frantic and before she even says anything more than his name, JC is gripping the phone tight and he sits down. She says no one's heard from Justin all day, he doesn't answer his cell or his pager. She's called everyone and she's almost crying.

JC starts calling everyone he knows and he ends up driving to Justin's house to wait there. Everyone else is there and everyone is calling everyone they can think of. By ten p.m., Johnny and Lynn think they should call the cops, this is serious now. The cops say things about forty-eight hours before someone is missing and Johnny says something about multi-millionaires who never disappear for even three hours but it's a standoff. Lynn tells everyone to go home, there's nothing they can do.

JC can't sleep. The next phone call comes at 6 a.m. and as soon as he hears the tone of voice he blocks out who the person is. He doesn't want to remember that, doesn't want to associate the news to come with anyone he knows. The voice says, "Justin's been kidnapped. They sent a ransom note, they sent. You need to come to Lance's house, the FBI is coming. Wait for the bodyguards to get there, they'll drive you." JC just says ok, says goodbye.

JC gets out of the car and starts to walk up the driveway. People in uniforms and dressed in black swarm around a box, he thinks, something on Lance's doorstep and JC turns to look closer. Then Lance is wrapped around him, Lance's hand over JC's eyes, and Lance says, "Don't look. Walk with me to the house." JC struggles a little but Lance is suddenly strong and JC stumbles over the steps.

The day is dark and bleak and unremitting. FBI agents ask him questions, JC doesn't know anything. Joey and Chris mill around, drinking coffee and the three of them keep touching each other, not hugs but fingers grazing across shoulders and backs to reassure each other. Lance shies away from everyone and he's paler than he was when he collapsed backstage, than when he was in the hospital. JC closes his eyes and sees Justin walking up his driveway, sees Justin naked, lying on a hotel bed saying, "I love you, man, seriously." Someone tells JC what was in the box and it doesn't sink in until two hours later and then JC throws up in Lance's pink bathroom.

Chris tells someone that the guys are all sleeping at Lance's tonight and JC just nods, he didn't know that but that's right. Kelly's away with Brianna, wedding arrangements, and she's coming back in two days, Joey tells her over the phone to stay in North Carolina, there's nothing she can do. JC nods again, and Joey looks at him and sighs. Chris and Joey and JC end up sleeping in the same bed and Lance sleeps alone in his bedroom. JC doesn't really sleep, he closes his eyes and opens them and it's later but he doesn't feel rested. Chris's arm is heavy across JC's stomach but it's real so JC doesn't move until Chris wakes up.

People used to think that a murder victim's last sight was burned on their eyes and JC remembers something about in the early days of photography they would try to take a picture, to capture that. JC thinks the box is burned on Lance's eyes and that's why Lance won't look at anyone, looks through everyone who talks to him.

The next two days are worse. FBI and cops and they've found the guys, they've found the guy who was working for the security people in the community and his compatriots. Johnny tells them to come to the police station and a man in a suit tells them that one of the guys has confessed. The man in the suit says Justin is dead, the guy says Justin is dead. Lance says, "Have you found the body?" in that same barren voice he's had since the box.

JC says, "He could be lying. You haven't found anything."

Joey and Chris look at the table and they're already crying. JC doesn't start crying until they're walking out and Chris and Lance almost carry him to the car, to the place where the bodyguards crowd around them and keep them safe for the drive home. JC stops crying in the car, he would know if Justin was dead. He would know, he thinks, he would have felt it somehow. He doesn't know why Lance doesn't believe it, but it's two against two, so he tells himself over and over again, he would know if Justin was gone.

III. It is so rare to feel safe. You have to catch it between times -- after you've left home, before you have arrived at the next place, that temporary safety of being lost in the smooth darkness of the passing highway.

Jews call it sitting shiva and they do it for ten days. JC's not in mourning, he tells himself, because Justin's not dead. But the four of them end up at Joey's house that night, none of them will leave. Lynn doesn't believe Justin's dead either, she thinks like JC and says she would know and Johnny doesn't know what to do.

JC's in the room next to Joey's bedroom, he doesn't know where Chris is sleeping. He's pretty sure Lance is in the next room with Joey, hears their voices a little. JC's staring at the wall and then he thinks the noises next door have resolved themselves into something he recognizes. JC almost giggles, he's so grateful to have something else to think about because he's pretty sure Joey and Lance are fucking next door. JC doesn't care how it looks, no one will see him, and he moves up on the bed and almost presses his ear against the wall. Groans and grunts and muffled sounds.

They've never done that before, JC is positive. He'd know that for sure. JC asked Joey once, in Germany, why he was fucking Justin instead of Lance. Joey grinned and said, "I like Lance."

JC said, "You like Justin."

Joey leered and said, "I like Justin a lot, man. He's a pretty great fuck. But, you know, uh." Joey looked away and said, "Justin asked, man. The boy always asks." Justin always asks, JC thinks. And then Kelly was back and Joey didn't want boys anymore, never took boys home from clubs when he was cheating. Chris used to say that it was a pity, such a pity that Joey and Lance weren't together, because half their fans already thought they were. Such a cute couple, Chris would cluck.

JC gives in and presses his ear against the wall. They're so fucking, he thinks, and he can't wait to tell Chris and Justin. Gossip is good, but gossip about the other guys is golden. And Kelly is getting in tonight, late, so they're really doing something dangerous.

Except, of course, he can't tell Justin. And he can't tell Justin and that's why all the grunting is happening next door. It's not just dangerous but it's such a bad idea, Joey will be so ashamed in the morning and Lance will still have those same dead eyes. JC sinks back onto the bed and even the momentary diversion is ruined now. The noises stop and JC is crying into his pillow, thinking of things he needs to tell Justin. He puts his fist in his mouth to muffle the sobbing when he hears Lance leaving Joey's room.

At breakfast they pick at the food someone made. Lance won't meet Joey's eyes and Joey won't let go of Kelly's hand. Chris raises an eyebrow at JC and JC makes a face. Chris's eyes widen and he looks at Lance, looks at Joey, looks back at JC and JC nods.

JC says he wants to go home and Chris says he'll go with JC. Lance says he wants to leave, too, and Joey says he'll meet them there for lunch. They don't do anything all day but wander around rooms, answer phone calls and stare at each other. Lance tells someone that they won't be having a memorial service until Lynn wants one. Chris spends an hour talking FuManSkeeto business on the phone with someone and the three of them sit in the room and watch him. JC really can't think of anything else he wants to be doing.

All of their houses, it's all the same. And now he's back in his own and JC can't look anywhere and not think of Justin. Not just pictures or knickknacks but he remembers Justin sitting on his couch, leaning against the counter, opening the refrigerator and it's much better to just watch Chris talk and take notes.

JC watches the weather channel until one a.m., and doesn't realize that everyone else has drifted off somewhere. He finds Joey in one of the guest bedrooms and Chris in the kitchen, eating pop tarts methodically. He finds Lance asleep on the floor in one of the basement rooms and after he covers Lance with a blanket, he goes back upstairs and sits across from Chris.

"Want one?" Chris holds out a shiny foil package.

"Lance fell asleep in the basement." JC traces circles with his finger on the kitchen table. Two weeks ago, Justin slammed his hand down on the table, said fuck loudly and stormed out because they were arguing about producers for the next album.

"He and Joey? Really?" Chris eats another pop tart. He has a little crumb stuck in his beard.

"I heard it." JC tries a grin and knows it looks bad, looks weird, because Chris blanches.

Chris rubs at his beard, knocks out the crumb and says, "I'm not saying sex is a bad idea. Sex, right now, takes your mind off things. But, you know, those two? Wedding in two months, I guess, if Joey doesn't put it off, but yeah. Bad idea."

JC can't think about this. He can't talk about Lance or Joey because he wants to ask Justin what he thinks. Instead he says, "But the two of us? Say. That's not a bad idea, right?"

Chris stares at him for a long time. He finally says, "Yeah. We'd be fine. I guess you asked because you wanna?"

JC says, "Yeah," and they go upstairs to JC's room. He hasn't made his bed since he left after the last call. It doesn't matter, Chris is fierce and ready and tugs him onto the bed. JC wants all of that. They fuck quickly and it's good. It's really good and they do it again before they're both exhausted enough to fall asleep. Joey and Lance can tell in the morning, because, of course, they can tell.

The next day they all end up at Lance's house, Chris and JC end up in a guest room together and they fuck again. It's a little dance for the next week, they go from house to house, the four of them traveling in SUVs with bodyguards surrounding them every moment they're not in a house. Joey and Lance don't even sleep on the same floor now, and Chris and JC always sleep together. Nothing much happens. JC jumps when the phone rings and then he remembers that Justin won't be calling. He picks it up and almost wants to slam it down again in case this is the call where they tell them that Justin is really lost to them. It's just Johnny, wanting a meeting and JC looks around the room and they agree to try the next day.

It's been a week and not ten days, but somehow that's enough. That night Lance goes back to his house, says after the meeting he's going to Memphis with Lynn. Joey goes home because he needs to be with Kelly and Brianna, he says, looking at the floor and his shoes, laces dangling untied. They're at Chris's house and after the other two are gone, he looks at JC and says, "You gonna stay?"

JC says, "Yup. Works for you?"

Chris says, "Sure. Sex and crying, that's us, right?" JC just nods and follows him upstairs. After they've fucked again, Chris falls asleep and JC thinks he hasn't seen Chris cry since the police station.

The meeting goes nowhere. JC writes the word numb on his notepad over and over again because he's almost glad he's figured out what he's feeling. Johnny says they'll try this again in a week.

Chris and JC spend the next two days in bed. They get up to go to the bathroom and get food from downstairs, but mostly, they're in bed, sleeping and having sex. They watch ESPN even though JC doesn't care about sports because it's the only station that doesn't have occasional pictures of Justin popping up.

Chris is easy to be with and JC kinda wishes they'd done this before and it wasn't all wrapped up in the overpowering loss of Justin. The sex is good, better than JC had expected because he thought Chris was getting old and less flexible, had less stamina and all those things have turned out to be untrue. JC remembers lying in bed with Justin, talking about sex. Justin said, "Joey's such a top, man, which may have had something to do with the whole experimental phase. On the other hand, he gave great blowjobs. Chris'll do either." Justin looked over at the connecting door, they had been in some hotel room, JC remembers that, and Justin said, "You think Lance is a top or a bottom? I bet pushy bottom, that's my vote."

JC giggled and ran his hand across Justin's stomach. "I'm not gonna lie in bed with my boyfriend and talk about all the guys he's fucked, okay?"

Justin rolled onto JC and said, "I've never fucked Lance. So."

JC shakes his head and goes back to watching SportsCenter. In the morning, Chris takes a shower and throws a towel at JC. "We need to do something, man." JC nods his head and takes a shower, too, and goes back to his house. Chris shows up for dinner and stays the night.

IV. And meanwhile I have forgotten that my friend may be dying or hurt, and the chance to find her will be gone, and it is my fault, as I knew it would turn out to be. The woman continues to ask veiled questions about the tuna fish and the minute is passing, the minute is passing, I begin to cry because the line is too long and there is nothing I can do. By the time I get my sandwich, however, the tears have passed too and I have decided that it is too late and there is nothing I can do, as there was nothing I could do, and I blow my nose and begin to eat, and I hate myself completely.

It's been a month since Justin disappeared. JC says "disappeared" and Chris says "died" and they both look away. JC thinks he would feel it, would know if Justin was gone. Chris could claim the same level of connection, JC knows that, he tells Chris that, but Chris just sighs. He looks at JC and says quietly, "I know you and Lance and Lynn have convinced yourselves he's alive somewhere, alive out there, but tell me why he hasn't called? Tell me where he is that he isn't here?"

JC tries to say, "Why haven't they found the body?" like Lance does, but he can't form the words. He just sighs and goes back to his keyboards, or his book or whatever he was doing before they started this conversation for the three hundredth time. Lance has hired private investigators and he asks the police and the FBI for progress reports every week. He got back from Memphis and threw himself into work and this manhunt of his. JC would point to that, note that none of all these people looking for Justin's body have found anything. In Lance's study, there's a map with the route lined in red they think the kidnappers took from Orlando to Oklahoma City, from where they took Justin to where they were caught, and every time JC sees it, Lance has added pins to mark places where someone's looked. The pins are sprouting and JC just wants to cry.

At least Lance is doing something, he thinks. JC just putters around his house. He writes songs and they sound too dour for a Cure album. He sleeps with Chris every night. They take care of each other's pets, they have clothes scattered all over each other's houses and it's like a relationship. Except they don't ever go on dates, because they don't go anywhere but from house to house and to the compound. And when JC tries to say something about "us," about JC and Chris as a couple, Chris says, "Crying and sex. We're all about it, boy."

They have a meeting at the compound and the four of them refuse all the interview offers Johnny has gotten. They've been saying no for a month to everyone, from the big papers to the lowly asses that want them to do some kind of fucking tribute. Joey and Chris won't do them because they feel their pain isn't for public display. Lance and JC won't do them because they won't listen to people talking about Justin's presumed death. Johnny looks at them, and says quietly, "I found a counselor. Checked her out, she's safe. I talked to her, it helped. If you want."

Lance looks at the cards Johnny has put on the table. Four cards, with the name. Lance takes one, says, "Fine. Thanks," and leaves. Lance is so thin, JC thinks, watching him walk out. Chris and Joey are solid now, eating regular meals and no dancing or rehearsals. JC works out a lot now, Chris feeds him, and he can tell by his pants that he hasn't gained or lost any weight. Lance is wasting away. And JC knows Lance and Joey are still not really back to being friends, so there's no one taking care of Lance at all.

Joey sighs and takes the card. He tells them again that he's rescheduled the wedding. Chris says, "Everything okay or just, bad time?"

Joey narrows his eyes and folds the card very deliberately. "Everything is good, Chris. I couldn't have got through this without Kelly. So. It's just, not with things the way they are." He walks out, too.

JC takes one of the cards left on the table and says, "I'll call her today. Thanks, Johnny."

Chris takes the last one and says, "Me, too. Thanks."

JC asks the counselor what happens to her if she repeats the things they say. She says she won't. He says people would offer her a lot of money. She says she has a lot of money. He says he doesn't know if he should tell her anything. She says he has to tell someone.

He tells her about Justin. He fell in love with Justin as Justin became more famous, like every screaming thirteen year old made him see Justin that much more clearly. And Justin loved him, told him all the time. Then Justin found cocaine and JC knew it. Justin pushed him away, cheated on him and finally screamed at him, "I'm not a fag like you, okay? I like girls and this was just, it was just, like prison sex. Like, this is what I can get right now."

Justin apologized eight hundred times for it, he tells her. He's the sweetest person JC knows. And everything got fixed, they're so close now, he says.

He tells her he's over Justin, though, he's not in love with Justin anymore. He thinks he could be in love with Chris and he wishes they hadn't come together this way. It's like Justin and his disappearance is in bed with them and he thinks they might work for real if Justin wasn't there. They wouldn't have come together if Justin had been there, though, they always stood on either side of Justin and they only saw each other when Justin couldn't take care of them. So he isn't sure he wants it to work, because it's wrong that something good would come from this.

She says that some people would say good coming from evil is redemption, not another wrong. She asks why he thinks Justin is alive. She just nods when he tells her that he would know if Justin were dead. She never tells him anything and it annoys the fuck out of JC. She just nods and asks him questions. He wants her to tell him to break up with Chris, wants her to tell him Chris is okay. He wants answers and he has to settle for questions. But it gets him out of the house and he goes five times in three weeks.

He sees Joey once at the counselor's office. After his session, JC goes into the bathroom and stares at his reflection for a long time. When he comes out, Joey is waiting in the waiting room, reading Sports Illustrated. JC says hi and hugs Joey. No one knows if Lance ever goes, but JC thinks not.

He knows Chris goes a few times, too, he sees the notation in Chris's planner on the table. Chris sits across from him one night at dinner and says, "The counselor says we're a bad idea. This thing here. Says we should break up."

JC is mad, because it's not fair that the counselor tells Chris what to do and won't tell JC. JC says, "A bad idea? Why?"

"Because, you know, we're just, it's just because Justin died." Chris doesn't look at JC at all.

"So? People come together for bad reasons. It's not just the foundation that matters you know. Maybe, maybe you go into a bar and tell someone you just met that the last time you were in that bar you were in a threesome in the bathroom or something and they still buy you a drink and it all works out anyway. Just because the beginning is maybe not so good, that doesn't make the relationship untenable." JC stares at Chris and Chris is suddenly grinning.

"You went up to some guy in a bar and said that you'd had a threesome there?"

JC waves his hand. "I made that up. It was an example. I'm saying we're not untenable. Do you, do you think we are? Do you wanna break up?" JC tries to breathe.

Chris looks at him, smiles. He says, "I didn't -- I didn't think we could break up. I wasn't thinking we were per se going out. But if we are, well, how could I ever leave someone who uses a threesome as a pickup line and knows the definition of untenable?" And JC counts that as an answer and leans across the table and kisses Chris.

Chris decides they should both get out of the house. He proposes a vacation, "to an actual place" and a ban on talking about the band. Which is code for not talking about Justin. JC agrees eagerly and they go to the Everglades. It's some kind of eco-cruise thing, designed to minimize damage or something like that. JC found it online. It's beautiful, green and heavy with sun and humidity. They're both so pale, they burn the first day and JC just giggles. He smoothes aloe all over Chris that night, even the parts that aren't red. Chris says, "We're like goth and shit now, except for the music."

JC says, "But not anymore. I don't think it's a good look for me. It's a good look for you, but not for me. I need sun."

"So it's okay if I look like a vampire or something and never see the sun, but you're some sensitive plant here?" Chris turns around and takes the aloe from JC, pulls off JC's shirt and starts spreading aloe on JC's shoulders.

JC giggles. "It's just that you're all dark eyes and dark hair and with the pale skin you look dark and mysterious. And I look, well, less good."

"You're the prettiest boy in the world," Chris says. "No matter how much you hide it under those hideous clothes and stupid hairstyles." JC smiles and thinks this is all a good thing. Redemptive, maybe.

V. Think of the kind of people who would be putting their fingerprints on Roberta's mind, the kind of things she would be thinking now. Think of her black countenance growing blacker: thinking life had proven her right after all. I would never convince her otherwise now.

The call comes in the afternoon. Johnny on the phone, his voice hushed. JC and Chris don't wait for bodyguards, they drive to the compound on their own. Chris says, "He found Justin?"

"Lonnie agrees with him. Lance says it's Justin and Lonnie agrees." JC grips the steering wheel and speeds up.

"See, here's the thing. He just said Lance found Justin and Lonnie agrees it's Justin. How can he be sure? I mean, I don't wanna rain on the parade but maybe this is like, you know, Anastasia? Anna Anderson or whoever that chick was who claimed she was the princess. Maybe it's some imposter who's found out that Lance hasn't accepted Justin's dead." Chris is hyper, bouncing in the seat.

"Well, then we'll know. And Lonnie would know. Lonnie's not like Lance, he thinks Justin's dead. If he's convinced, Chris, I think it must be true." They've reached the compound and JC parks badly.

Chris turns to him as they walk up the drive and says, "We'll find out, right?" Chris grabs his hand for a moment and lets go.

They walk in and it's Justin. JC doesn't need DNA or fingerprints, he knows the slope of Justin's shoulders, the shape of his hands and it's Justin, sitting in a chair. He looks like he's trying to hide from fans, in a baseball cap, thin beard and wire-rimmed glasses. JC stops and takes in the scar on Justin's face, the thin pink line running diagonally from his forehead to his right cheek. Justin looks at Chris and JC blankly, his posture and expression screaming fear.

Lance says, "Justin, this is JC and Chris." JC stares at Lance, and looks back at Justin. Justin swallows and nods, looks at the woman next to him. Some stranger, JC thinks, a woman with blunt cut hair and a t-shirt that says "No one knows I'm a lesbian."

Justin says quietly, "Hi." It's Justin, it's his voice, it's him but he's wrong. JC sits down and rubs his head.

Chris is still standing, still staring at Justin. "What the fuck, kiddo? What's going on?"

Justin swallows again, takes off his baseball cap and kneads it in his hands. The woman next to him says, "Jay has amnesia. He has neurological damage."

Justin has amnesia. Chris sits down next to JC and sighs. Lynn comes in and cries, clings to Justin. Joey shows up and sits next to Chris. People are milling around and the cops have arrived. Justin doesn't talk much, just keeps saying, "I don't remember." It sounds increasingly desperate, weak in a way JC hasn't heard from Justin since Justin was twelve.

The cops ask him if he remembers anything at all. Justin looks at Lynn, says he has only had two real flashes of anything. He remembers seeing Lynn, bending over him, and Lynn smiles. Justin says, "I remember a fat man and he scared me." The cops frown, none of the kidnappers are fat.

Joey grins and walks over to the pictures on the wall. He finds one from '98, pulls it down and shows it to Justin. "You see the scary fat guy here?"

Justin stares and then nods. He points at Lou. "That's him. That one." For the first time since Justin looked at them all like strangers, even Lance grins.

Chris says, "Okay, that's our Justin." He squeezes JC's knee and leans forward.

The cops want more and they arrange for a blood test. They talk to the lesbian woman who has the numbers of the hospital where Justin was first treated and the cops in San Antonio. Lance says Justin has the scars he should have and JC goes to the bathroom so he doesn't have to see them. Chris and Joey follow him, and they grin at each other in the hallway.

"It's gonna be okay, fuck," Chris says. "He doesn't remember anything now, but he remembered Lynn and Lou and it's all gonna come back to him. We can get him all the best doctors now, none of those back country public hospital fucks or whatever. He'll be okay." He hugs JC and reaches his hand out to grab Joey's shoulder. They're all smiling, really smiling.

The cops stay for a while and then drift away. Johnny arranges all the doctors and things they need for the next day, and Lynn takes Justin home. JC drives home and Chris is humming next to him. "Fuck," he says. "Fuck, man, now you can say you told me so. Fuck. Justin." Chris starts crying in the car, and JC waits for him to stop in the driveway of JC's house. They fuck that night like it's the first time, except it's more joyous.

The next day it's all a lot clearer. The doctors do a blood test and say Justin's really Justin. They do a CAT scan and say Justin has real damage, and it's pretty unlikely he'll remember everything in a flash or anything like that. After five hours, Chris looks at Lance, Joey and JC in the waiting room and says, "Justinbot needs better programming."

Lance winces. "He has amnesia, Chris. He doesn't remember anything. He's not a robot or something. He's Justin. He's just not, not all there yet."

"When will he be, Lance? Do you know?" JC asks. Justin doesn't even walk like Justin anymore. He's lost the loping walk and he's so tentative. His posture is all wrong, stripped of Justin's swagger and humor.

Lance sighs. "Look, I don't know more than you. I just, I think it's wrong to call him names. He needs our help. It's Justin, guys. Justin." Joey rubs the back of Lance's head and Lance closes his eyes. He's crying and JC's stomach turns. He hasn't seen Lance cry since the police station and now Lance is slumped over, sobbing. JC reaches out but Joey just pulls Lance into the bathroom.

Chris watches the door for a second and then looks at the floor. "Justin's best friend isn't some forty-year-old lesbian."

Two days of doctors and Justin's basically okay except for the brain damage. "Brain damage," Chris says. He's driving with a kind of scary concentration but JC doesn't want to drive anymore. "Brain damage, brain damage," Chris says again, a little chant. "I guess. I think some memory loss is probably a good thing. Justin probably doesn't mind forgetting that haircut he had in back in the day."

"Or being kidnapped," JC says.

Chris stares out the window and parks in JC's driveway. He gets out of the car and stops at the door. "You're right, I guess. Right. It's probably better he doesn't remember all that. It would just be nice if remembered us, I think."

VI. You cannot conceive of the things she is bringing with her, the attachments she is bound by, the place she has in other people's imagination.

Justinbot, JC thinks. Justinbot, Justinbot, don't call him that. Lance still gets pissed, but Joey says it, Chris says it and sometimes JC slips. They never say it to Justin's face, but as soon as he leaves the room and in all the meetings they have, everyone but Lance says it.

Justin stares in meetings and bites his lip. He never slams his hand down and objects to anything. The media is in a frenzy, and Johnny says they have to have a press conference because otherwise, and he trails off. Justin looks confused and everyone else knows that the rumors are already flying that Justin just had a breakdown, a drug bender and was never really kidnapped. Like they all somehow bamboozled the FBI, like Lance really didn't open a box with cut off parts of Justin's skin in it.

Chris rubs JC's back, says, "We'll program the Justinbot better. We will, it's okay, babe." JC's still crying, remembering this new Justin saying he was gay. Chris murmurs, "It'll be okay, C, c'mon."

They have to record two old song of JC's and one he wrote in the Everglades for the greatest hits package thing, and JC has to rewrite the Everglades one a little, make sure it suits Justin singing lead on part of it. They have to teach Justin how to dance, teach him how to sing. JC's the only one who remembers Justin before he knew how to do everything and JC doesn't remember a Justin who walks into the rehearsal room and doesn't even know how to warm up. They try to start slow but Justin falls twice the first day. The only thing that makes JC feel less like his stomach is trying to crawl out of his legs is that Justin just gets back up and starts again.

Justinbot, JC thinks, crying again in the bathroom after Justin says something to him about how he apparently told his mother the two of them were just a thing. Just a thing. In bed that night, Chris traces a pattern on JC's stomach. JC says, "Since no one else remembers now, I'd just like to tell you, you know, I broke up with Justin. He begged me to stay, you know." JC tries to laugh.

"Me, too," Chris says. "Justin told me I was the best lay in N Sync." Chris kisses JC's stomach and rubs his waist.

"Justin told me that, too. And he slept with me after you, so I think he must have meant I was better than you." JC closes his eyes and bites his lip.

"Fine, JC, I believe you. You're better than me. According to Justin, though." Chris looks up and his eyes are sad. "While we're rewriting our lives now that Justin can't object, I'd also like to note that when it was just the two of us, Justin told me all the fucking time that he thought I should have been the heartthrob and I sing better than him, too."

JC laughs and it turns into a sob. Chris kisses him and says, "We're back to crying and sex again, so at least we do that well."

Chris calls it programming the Justinbot and Lance calls it helping Justin out, but they all take turns going back to Justin's place and talking to him about the group, about their past. JC will only go if Chris goes because otherwise it's more than he can take.

One night Joey and Lance are on Justin duty and Chris makes macaroni and cheese for JC and himself. He adds hot dogs and says, "With real meat! Real down home animals ground up into little pieces and shoved into a convenient mode for eating. Don't tell the Justinbot."

JC looks up and says, "So he's a vegetarian now. It's not so offensive, Chris."

Chris turns around and dishes the food onto the plates. "So I asked him, dude, now you don't eat meat? You even tried it since you woke up? And he's all," Chris perfectly imitates Justin's little voice with all its new tentativeness and says, "Well, Amy's a vegetarian and she was telling me all about factory farming and the way we put all these chemicals and stuff in so it just made sense." JC tries not to giggle, he knows it's mean. Chris plunks the plates onto the table and sits down and starts talking in his own voice again. "Amy this, Amy that. Remember when Justin used to grill shit all the time on his George Foreman and he'd all make voices for the hamburgers? Make 'em scream when he dropped 'em on the grill and shit?"

JC grins. "And then you'd make the other hamburgers talk and have 'em all plotting to get away. Man, that was funny." JC looks down and eat more of his dinner. Chris makes good macaroni and cheese and always adds extra cheddar along with the shit in the packets to make it even cheesier. "Chris, let's, uh, let's declare a moratorium. No more band talk, like when we were on vacation, for at least one hour a night."

Chris nods and looks out the window. "Okay, okay. But first, I just want to say," Chris pauses. "Sometimes I kinda think, I know it's wrong. But when he was dead -- when I thought Justin was dead, it was hard and it hurt and I didn't think. I wouldn't have thought this would hurt as much but it really does. Justin's gone, you know, and it's just like before, there's no one around who thinks I'm funny or remembers how we used to imitate Lou behind his back or wants to chase me around a set except now there's this big hulking scare-baby who looks just like Justin to remind me. So, yeah. It's wrong and Lance can beat the crap out of me, but fuck, JC, this fucking sucks." Chris rubs his eyes and looks down at the bright yellow and orange of his dinner. He says quietly, "Okay, moratorium starts now."

JC says, "I think you're funny. And, uh, you make great macaroni and cheese. And also, really good hot chocolate. How, uh, how do you do that?"

Chris raises an eyebrow but almost smiles so JC feels good about that. More than sex and crying. They can do this. Chris says, "It's just milk and the chocolate powder. And I add two pats of butter. You're too easy to please, man. Gotta raise your standards."

One morning, Justin's late. They stand around and look each other and the clock is ticking. JC is sweating and he digs in his bag for his cell phone and calls Justin after fifteen minutes. No answer. He looks at everyone else. Lance is pale and leaning against the wall. Lance grabs his phone and calls Justin's cell and his house and then pages him. Joey says, "It's only been, uh, twenty minutes. Maybe he got up late. Is Lynn at the house?"

Chris springs up from the floor and says, "No, she's not. Letting the Justinbot live alone. He probably just slept in or something."

JC says, "He's always early. He gets up early now, from working at that fucking bakery." Justin never liked mornings, and this new Justin is used to getting up at 4 a.m. and baking bread and he's always the first at the compound.

Lance grabs his car keys and wallet and says, "I'm gonna go over there. Call me if he shows up." Lance walks out of the room so fast it's almost a run.

JC stretches again and looks at Chris fidget. Chris says, "And he's finally stopped falling down."

Joey sighs and sits down on the floor. "I mean, it was just the first week."

Chris says, "whatever" and sits back down next to Joey. They don't say anything for the next half hour. Then Joey phone rings and it's Lance. Joey nods a little, says okay once or twice and then hangs up. "Justin has a migraine or something. Migraine. He gets them sometimes now, I guess. Anyway, he's out for the day and Lance is gonna stay with him."

Chris says, "He need anything? Doctor or something?"

Joey says, "Nah. Justin got pills or something for it, and the doctors can't do anything more or something. And Lance is gonna stay with him. So." Joey stands up and grabs his bag. He says with a laugh, "Which makes sense, I guess, Lance is the only one still in love with Justin anymore."

JC looks up and sees Chris looking at him. JC says, "Right."

Chris goes to run errands and JC asks for a ride with one of the bodyguards to Chris's house. He sits in the kitchen and grabs a pen and a paper. He starts a list of all the reasons he loves Chris. The list keeps growing the more he thinks about it. He's already written "because you're a good person" but he keeps thinking of nuances and small things. The way Chris remembers the birthday of everyone who works for him. When Chris went to visit Justin when Justin was cleaning up from the coke and lost every videogame they played until Justin figured it out and then Chris went back to whupping his ass. The way he buys books of poetry by authors JC's never heard of and leaves them on JC's side of the bed. JC's list is at two pages before he gets to the sex stuff. He stops at page four and leaves it on the kitchen table with the take out Chinese left over from the day before.

JC waits for Chris to come home, and he isn't nervous. Chris gets back late, and JC's already in bed, watching SportsCenter like they do every night. JC has decided he likes sports, or at least likes watching SportsCenter. He says, "go, team," quietly.

"Do you even know who you're rooting for there, babe?" Chris says from the doorway. He has the list in his hand.

"I always root for the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Pittsburgh Pirates and uh, whatever other teams you like." JC grins.

Chris stays where he is and says, "Any word on Justin?"

"Lance called and said he ate some dinner, but he's spent most of the day just curled in a ball. Justin says he'll be okay tomorrow." JC even likes the way Chris just stands, when he's not bouncing or twitching and he just stands. He hopes he put that one on the list.

Chris nods and looks down at the list. "No one's ever said they loved me because I do a killer imitation of Barry White drunk. I expected the hot chocolate thing, but the Barry White part was kind of surprising."

"Well," JC says, "I do. It's pretty damn funny."

Chris smiles a little, his eyes shining and carefully folds the list. "I'm gonna keep this, okay?" JC nods and Chris walks to his closet and puts the list in a box, locking it methodically when he's done. JC knows it's the same place Chris keeps his copy of their latest contract and a letter from his mom and the deed to this house. It feels like a kiss and flowers. Chris sits down on the bed and says, "You're pretty adorable, you know that? I think I'll keep you."

JC says, "Works for me," and kisses Chris.

VII. Remember ... we remember the things we love; to love is to remember, she is remembered, I remember. Not Roberta, but the memory of Roberta. Not waiting for Roberta to come in, but for the memory of her to be returned to you -- the character of who she was. [...] The girl she thought she was, the girl you think she was, the girl described in her letters and pictured in her photographs; the girl she was making up, the girl in the story.

The first night after Wade comes and they do the new choreography for the two singles from the greatest hits thing and the new tour, everyone goes back to Justin's house. For once, they're all even laughing. Justin's tired, he says he can't do this again tomorrow night. He watches them all passing around beers. JC watches Justin push his glasses up on his nose, those wire-rimmed glasses he always wears now when they're not dancing.

Lance has put in *N the Mix and he's watching the big screen version of themselves in the Here We Go video. Lance is exhausted and drunk already because he starts doing the choreography and singing along. JC giggles and looks over at Justin, sees Justin watching Lance and biting his lip. JC thinks, oh.

Joey starts singing along, loudly, in his funny voice. "Yes, yes, here we go, N Sync wants you to blow us!" It's such an old joke, but Lance bursts out laughing anyway and falls back against the couch.

Chris says, "It's the most essential ingredient to success in the music biz, man."

JC knows this one and he grins and says, "You gotta have a song where you sing your name a lot. A lot." Justin laughs a little and drinks half his bottle of water in one long swallow.

Chris jumps on the counter and takes Justin's bottle. "Here We Go is your favorite N Sync song, Justin."

Justin frowns and looks at Chris. "No, it's not. It's not. I don't believe you."

Joey laughs and says, "Yes, it really is." He's laughing too hard for Justin to believe him.

"It's not. I don't remember much, but I'm pretty sure of that."

Lance giggles and says, "Your favorite is Riddle, man, don't believe these fucks."

Justin blushes and says, "Riddle? I, uh, is that on the first European one? I didn't really like that one. Uh. It's mean to make fun of the brain damaged guy, y'all." Justin looks over at Lance again and then looks at JC. "I'm pretty sure my favorite N Sync song would be one I wrote, or JC wrote."

JC finishes his beer and puts it down. "That would be nice," he says, and makes a face at Chris. Chris gives Justin his bottle of water back.

Joey's fucking around with the video and suddenly there's Justin at 17 saying he likes all the things other 17 year olds like. JC knows what he's going to say, but it's still funny as Joey calls out "Sodomy! On every seventeen year old's list."

Justin blushes again. He looks up Chris and looks back down quickly. "That was when, uh, Chris, right?"

Chris smiles down at him and says, "Yeah."

Justin says, "Well, at least I was getting some hot tail, right?"

Chris giggles. "You know it, pretty boy."

Joey grabs Lance and pulls him into another room to talk about wedding arrangements. The never-ending wedding arrangements for the event that's now been pushed to after the tour. Chris looks down at Justin again and says, "You don't remember much? What do you remember, J?"

JC leans against a counter, standing near Chris. Justin stands up and goes to the refrigerator. "Uh," he says quietly, "you know, little flashes. I, uh, remember my mom, just that one little thing and I guess, Lou. And I remember Lance, when he younger? It's just, like thirty seconds, of him, biting his lip and trying to count out steps. Nothing's longer than thirty seconds. And Joey showing me Brianna when she was a baby. And, uh," Justin leans against the door of the refrigerator. "There's some others. Chris puking and me holding his braids from his face."

JC walks over and sees Justin blushing, forehead pressed against the refrigerator door. "And some sexy ones, huh?"

Justin presses his hands against the door. "Yeah, it kinda sucks. I guess I got laid a lot and all I can remember is, um, thirty seconds of being fucked and ten seconds of giving, uh, JC a blowjob. Which sucks, you know." Justin turns around and looks over at JC for a second. "I liked it, you know, so there's that. But, uh, it sucks."

Chris glances at the door where Lance and Joey disappeared to make more party plans. He glances at JC and JC grins. JC says, "Don't worry, Justin, it's okay."

At home, Chris says, "Wonder who he remembers fucking him? Cause that could me or Joey or one of his boys, really." JC rolls his eyes. Chris says, "Aw, C, he remembers your dick."

JC laughs. "I remember his dick, too. I prefer yours."

The tour starts and Justin's so nervous, JC wants to throw up for him. But then Justin decides he loves it and he's so enthusiastic about it, it's almost obnoxious. They're all sharing one bus this time, not for monetary reasons, but to keep everyone close to Justin. Except these days that means Justin singing and dancing around the bus, doing the Pop choreography to Indigo Girls tunes.

"I miss the rap," Chris says, leaning back against JC on the couch.

JC traces his fingers across Chris's hair and closes his eyes. "It's not so bad."

Chris hisses a little and JC's eyes snap open and he pulls his hand away. "Not you, damn it. You can keep doing that. I was hissing," he says and watches Justin dance into the back. "I was hissing because I miss hearing Justin doing the new OutKast three times a day. I miss Justin. I'm glad the Justinbot is happy now. I can't wait until he convinces Lance to fuck him and he'll be the completely fulfilled Justinbot. But I want to fucking shake him until my Justin comes back. I keep thinking he's in there, underneath everything."

JC says, "He's not. This is what we have. It's okay, though, it's not so bad."

Chris says, "Do you believe that?"

JC watches Justin come back in and he still doesn't walk exactly like Justin. JC sighs and looks out the window.

VIII. "Well, hon," he begins, and I can tell he is worried too. Then all of a sudden, he says, with love and conviction: "If you come home I'll make you pancakes."
I am so moved I can hardly speak.
"Any time," he repeats happily, "any time you want to come you can."

They have a four-day break after a month of touring and JC decides he needs to talk to Justin. He's spent a month watching Justin look at Lance and he's starting to feel guilty. Justin clearly wants Lance. JC can't quite figure out why Justin doesn't make a move but he thinks about Justin talking about sex in Justin's kitchen and he thinks about the way Lance shies away from touching Justin. JC planned to go over and talk to Justin the first day of the break but Busta is sick and he and Chris go to the vet and then the day slips away. JC thinks if Justin knows he always wanted Lance, he might feel better about acting on his feelings. He drives to Justin's house and talks to him in the kitchen while Justin buzzes around, drinking orange juice. Even Justin's glee is different now, less grace in his movements, less caution in his smiles.

JC says, "I maybe should have you told this sooner, but you know, you know you used to, uh, always hit on Lance whenever you were drunk?"

Justin gulps down half a glass and pours a new one. He grins. "I know, Lance told me."

JC nods. "Right, right. I asked you about it once, and you told me you were scared he might say yes, but you did want him. If you were worried about that. I don't know, it's just, it seems like you like Lance and I wanted you to know that if it's something that's holding you back."

Justin laughs. "Well, uh, thanks. But, C, I was just over there, last night. It was so great. I kissed him and he kissed me and we, uh, we made love. It was so great. I really love him." Justin's beaming and JC almost laughs at how happy he is.

"Oh, okay. Never mind then. Good for you, Justin."

Justin blushes. "Anyway, yeah. But I appreciate you coming by. And, uh, you know, I didn't know about you and Chris until Lance told me," and JC tries not to wince in front of Justin's happiness. Justin says, "So, I, like, apologize if I've gotten in the way or didn't you give private time or something. It's so hard to tell sometimes."

JC looks away and says, "What's hard to tell, what do you mean? Chris and I haven't been hiding anything."

Justin bites his lip and JC thinks Justin didn't use to spook so easily. JC sighs and looks down. He opens his mouth but Justin says quickly, "Right. I know, I just didn't know what to look for, you know. You love him, he loves you, I get it now. I just meant I can't always tell when I've pissed you guys off."

JC sighs and says it's okay. He congratulates Justin again on the Lance thing and drives home to his own house. He wonders, if he just stayed in this house for the whole break, how long it would be until Chris came here for him. JC wonders how long he would hold out before he went to Chris. JC decides after a half hour he's too old for these games. He just wants Chris and he wants his Justin back and he can only have one of those things so he gets in his car and drives to Chris's house. Chris looks up from his laptop and says, "Hear Lance got lucky last night."

JC drops his keys on the table. "Joey told you?"

"Yeah. You hear from Lance?" Chris goes back to tapping keys. He types much faster than anyone in the band, even Lance.

"From Justin. I went over to tell him that he used to like Lance, before. I was a little late in my mission of niceness." JC laughs and admires the way the light from the screen turns Chris's face into angles and shadows. Chris is so beautiful.

Chris says, "Ha. Well, good for the Justinbot." Chris looks up again. "What?"

"You're beautiful." JC smiles.

Chris scowls and laughs. He mutters, "freak" and goes back to whatever he's doing.

Justin's even happier now that he has Lance. He's good about it, he adopts an air of studied nonchalance when they're not in safe places. He's imitating JC, JC knows, and the way JC is with Chris. It's funny, full circle, JC thinks. JC learned all that from Justin and the way Justin would act with Joey and then Chris and finally JC. So Justin acts like JC and for a moment, sometimes, JC watches Justin watching Lance with careful disinterest and it's like Justin never disappeared. But when they're safe, on the bus, Justin is full of lovesick grins and he doesn't let go of Lance and JC remembers all over again.

Justin tries not to be dependent, he tries to assert himself. One night before the show, they're all in the quiet room and Justin is lifting weights, very carefully not beaming over at Lance, who is reading a book on the couch. Chris suddenly sings, "life's a song, you don't get to rehearse and every single verse can make it that much worse."

Joey looks up and says, "Quiet room, shorty. Shut up with the Buffy, okay?"

Justin looks over at them and says, "Is that Buffy?"

Chris scowls and JC winces a little. "Yeah, the Buffy musical. Isn't Buffy high-minded enough for you, West Wing freak?"

Justin sits up and frowns. JC looks over at Lance, and Lance is staring intently at his book. Justin says, "I like Buffy. What crawled up your ass? I just didn't recognize the song."

Chris stands up and tugs at his hair. "This is how I am, Justin. Maybe if you remember more than an hour of your life, you'd remember that I'm a moody bastard."

Justin clenches his jaw and then smiles. "I remember more than an hour now. I think I'm about up to three hours. I've been having a few more flashes and stuff, lately."

Chris says, "I'm so proud of you, Justinbot." Lance looks up and inhales sharply and JC tenses. Joey's hands clench on the couch cushions. Chris looks a little pained but then he keeps scowling and JC knows Chris's decided to keep a poker face on this one.

Justin's so transparent now, JC can watch the question form on Justin's face and then Justin discards it. Justin bites his lip and says, "Well. The thing is, no one remembers their first three years, right? And most people sleep one third of their lives, and even with how busy we've been, I've probably slept at least a quarter of my life, so I really only need to remember, like, 14 years all told, right?"

Chris nods. Justin looks up and almost smiles. He says, "And I don't need to remember every time I took a shit, so, I think I'm coming along."

Chris bursts out laughing and JC can feel everyone else relaxing. Chris walks over and plops down in Justin's lap, wrapping his arms around Justin's shoulders. "You're right, babe," Chris says, "you're right, kiddo."

JC smiles, walks over and sits on Chris's lap while Justin protests. "Chris is so cute, isn't he?" JC says.

Justin says, "The two of you are fucking heavy." But Justin's grinning and for a moment, it's okay, at least.

IX. If she has to ask him if he loves her, Bob says, the answer doesn't count. I wouldn't be here if I weren't happy to see you, he tells me; if you don't tell me that you're happy, I think to myself, I don't feel it's true.

Lance is drunk, JC can tell. Justin had another headache and he left with Joey, letting Lance stay. Another club, another show. The tour is going well, at least and the single is a hit. Things are okay, better than JC thought he'd ever see a few months ago. But Lance is drunk and he looks haggard. JC says, "What's up, man?"

Lance sighs. He says, "I thought it was maybe, the coke again, you know? I didn't think it was anything and he had been so annoying that night." JC blinks and realizes what Lance is talking about. Lance sips his drink and puts it back down. He says, "And there was this box on my doorstep. I knew, security, I didn't think. I just grabbed the newspaper and opened the box. And it took me a minute to figure out what it was. I think I screamed but it was five a.m., and no one came. And then, if you can believe it, I called Johnny. I hung up on him and called the cops, but, of course, I called Johnny first. And now, now, here I am." Lance sighs again.

"There's nothing wrong with where we are," JC says, ignoring the quaver in his own voice.

Lance snorts. "Right. No, you're right. It's just, fuck. He's such an innocent. And, maybe Chris is right, you know? Maybe this is just me grabbing my little fake Justin 'cause I never had the balls to grab the real one."

"Did Chris say that?" JC leans forward and frowns. "Because if he said that to you, I'm gonna kick his ass. And he's wrong."

Lance waves his hand and says, "He didn't say that specifically. But I know how he feels about Justin these days. I just, I just worry that I'm taking advantage of him."

"You love him," JC says, a little glad he doesn't have to kick Chris's ass and not just because he's not sure he could.

"Right," Lance says and looks down at the table.

"You do. I mean, you love this Justin. You loved the old -- you loved Justin before, but I think, maybe not the same way? Cause if you had, you would have done something about it." JC nods like Lance is already agreeing with him.

"Right. Thanks for the vote of confidence, JC, but, uh, I don't have such a good track record with acting on things." Lance looks up at JC and Lance's eyes are red. JC swallows.

"Joey doesn't count. You knew Justin would have said yes. You love Justin, Justin right now, you're not taking advantage of him. He's not some bot, you know, he's not an idiot."

"He doesn't remember that he could do better," Lance says it plainly and JC thinks, oh.

JC grabs Lance's hand and wishes Chris were here. Chris is better at this, somehow, knows the right time to make a joke and when to be serious. "He couldn't really do better than you, Lance. Seriously."

Lance nods and looks away. He pulls his hand out from under JC's. He says, "Okay. I'll believe you for a little while. I know Justin's not an idiot. So." Lance rubs his eyes and says, "I'm drunk. And I keep forgetting to say, uh, I'm really glad for you and Chris. You really love him, don't you?"

JC just nods again. They leave after that and Lance passes out in the cab. JC wakes him up and drags him to Justin's room.

A few nights later, JC climbs into Chris's bunk and settles down next to him. Chris kisses his cheek and says, "Band moratorium, okay?"

JC nods and as he's about to say something, they hear Justin moan a little. JC rolls his eyes and says, "They're cute, but, damn. The stamina of youth."

Chris grins. "Every damn night, I tell you. How do they dance? Last night," Chris starts to say.

"I know!" JC laughs again, tries to keep quiet a little. "Twice, damn it. We should, uh, give 'em a run for their money, you know?"

Chris giggles. "Poor Joey. But, uh, dude. I am over thirty here, okay? No twice in one night when we have a show tomorrow."

Lance grunts a little in the other bunk and Justin makes a noise. Lance shushes him a little and Chris giggles. Chris says, "Would you still love me if I were really loud in bed?"

JC says, "Yes."

Chris says, "What if I were really bad in bed?"

"Yes, but I'm glad you're not." Lance moans this time and then stops.

Chris says, "What if I loved really shitty music and made you listen to it all the time? Like O-Town or, uh, bluegrass?"

JC rolls on top of Chris and straddles him. "I like bluegrass a little, I think, like Alison Krauss? And yeah, even then."

"Even if I made you go with me to, like, hardcore punk concerts and we moshed all night and you got battered and bruised?"

"You wouldn't let that happen and yes." JC moves a little and starts tugging at Chris's shirt. He feels Chris getting hard underneath him. Lance and Justin are both panting, a little loudly.

Chris says, "What if I had really bad breath? What if I had a big blue birthmark on my cheek?"

JC laughs and gets Chris's shirt off. "Yes and yes. My turn."

Chris pulls off JC's shirt and pulls at JC's legs until he moves off so Chris can get JC's pants off. "You're gonna suck at this. But go ahead."

JC pulls off his underwear and gets Chris out of his pants. JC runs his hand over Chris's chest, feels Chris shudder a little. JC says, "They sound like a porno," as they start hearing skin slapping together and more panting and moans from Lance and Justin. Chris laughs. JC says, "Okay, would you still love me if I, uh, turned into a cockroach?"

"What color?" Chris grins.

"What color cockroach? Brown, I guess. Brown like shit or something." JC moves over so he's straddling Chris again and rocks a little.

Chris sighs a little and then says, "How big a cockroach?"

JC laughs and leans down so he can kiss Chris's chest. "Why does that matter?"

"Cause if you're this big ass cockroach and I can make money off showing you off on talk shows and at the circus, then maybe I only love you for your ability to make money for me. You know," Chris says and runs his hands down JC's side. He grips JC's ass and JC pushes back a little, it's so nice.

"I'm an ordinary sized cockroach. An ordinary, brown cockroach. Do you love me?"

Chris laughs and says, "Sure."

JC moves up on Chris and kisses him. "What if all this hadn't happened? Do you think you'd still love me?"

Chris rubs JC's ass and smiles. "I did. But, uh, I love you for this, for getting me through all this, so, yeah, I love you both ways."

JC opens his mouth and Chris says, "Yes, yes. Whatever you think of, yes." Chris kisses him and they both burst out laughing when Lance comes loudly, saying "Justin, fuck," over and over again and then the sound is muffled like Justin finally wised up and put his hand over Lance's mouth.

Chris says, "Whatever you can think of, I'd still love you."

THE END

Onto Part 3, Limp

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