NOTES: Happy 21st birthday, baby girl! Title and other quotes from REM's Ignoreland. Chris quotes the song Superman, which REM didn't write but did cover. Thanks to Daf, Shana, and Kelly.

SMACK CRACK BUSHWHACKED

JC falls for Chris a million times and it always feels like a smack. Week after week from the moment they met. Listening to Chris laugh. Watching Chris glare at someone who stepped too close to Justin. Smelling Chris after one of their first rehearsals.

A crack against his face and he blinks and ignores it. He has to. He has places to go and someone to be and he knows, knows he can't do any of those things if he acts on it. It's too late to hate himself for the way he is, but he will hate himself if he does anything to screw this up.

So he watches Chris and looks away and his face feels numb, stuck in a smile that means nothing.

They make it to Germany. It's the same thing, over and over again. Chris learns German quicker than the rest of them and JC falls every time Chris smiles and his mouth shapes the guttural syllables. Chris will eat anything. Chris makes everyone laugh. Chris takes home a different girl every chance he can get. The girls feel like a different kind of smack, but it's there anyway, a sharp pain against his face.

Justin comes barreling into JC's room and throws himself on the bed. He rubs his eyes and breathes heavily. JC reaches out and pats Justin's back, waiting for him to calm down. "What's wrong?"

Justin looks up at him, his eyes red. "I don't have a crush on Chris," he says.

JC inhales. Breathe in, breathe out. He says, "Were Joey and Lance teasing you or something?"

Justin snorts. "Maybe. It doesn't matter," Justin says fiercely. "I don't have a crush on Chris."

Justin fits in so effortlessly, never seems tired and JC forgets how young he is. And then he thinks of something else. "It's okay," he says, "if you think maybe you're gay."

Justin shrugs off JC's hand and glares. "I'm not. Shut up, that's not it."

JC says, "Right. But it is. If you are." Because it is, JC knows that. And Justin shouldn't feel hemmed in or restrained.

Justin sniffles and wipes his mouth. "I don't, God, JC. Just shut up." Justin sniffles again. "I don't, you know, I don't like Chris like that." Justin suddenly hugs JC and buries his head against JC's shoulder. "I don't at all and they kept fucking saying it."

JC rubs Justin's back. He thinks, I do, and maybe he hears Justin say, "Not Chris," but he could have imagined that.

JC starts bringing girls home at first because he's worried that Justin or someone will figure him out. He doesn't mind sex with girls that much and then he starts to enjoy it. The aesthetics of sex. The physical sensations, the feel of it. He'd rather do guys, he'd rather do Chris, but the sex is something more than nice. He likes sex.

Back in America, he realizes Lance has a crush on him. Lance looks at him a lot, and blushes and stays by his side when he doesn't need to. JC knows he can't, he can't do anything with Lance or Chris. Lance because he's young and in the group and Chris because Chris never looks at him like that. And Chris is in the group. And they have places to go. JC tells himself that a lot.

He caves, once, twice in Orlando. A tall man with dark hair and a manicured mustache. JC almost comes from the feel of the mustache against his balls. He doesn't. They fuck all night. A second time with a short man, compact and well muscled and JC embarrasses himself and calls the man "Chris." The guy doesn't notice, because it turns out his name is Chris, too.

Lance finds him the next morning and glares at him. He leans forward and says quietly, "I saw you. Leaving with that guy."

JC closes his eyes. "I won't do it again."

Lance sits back and looks down at the brown plastic table. "I don't mind, if you want that. Just, you know, why him?"

JC knows the rest of the question and all he can say is, "Oh, Lance."

JC still falls for Chris almost every day. Like a smack. Chris shaking his head to hit Joey with his braids. Chris squatting on his heels to talk to a six year old who waits after the show with her mother. Chris laughing and laughing and making Justin laugh even when Justin is too tired to move. Chris brushing up against JC, rubbing his shoulders, singing. Smack, crack, bush whacked, tie another one to the rack.

Lance is sweet and snarky. Lance is getting thin and lately, he's crabby when they're not on display. JC is so tired. He has just a little to drink and he sits on Lance's bed. He says, "Just this once. We only can do this once."

Lance's eyes widen and he doesn't quite flinch. He says, "Okay."

JC pushes Lance's legs against his chest, pushes in. Lance moans. It's good, it's great. JC says, "It's not you," right before he comes. Lance throws his head back and says, "Fuck you, I know, I know."

JC means to apologize but two days later Lance is in the hospital. So he holds Lance's hand, careful to avoid disturbing the IV, swallows and says, "I'm sorry."

Lance half opens his eyes. "It's okay. I know, I do."

JC says, "Do you?"

Lance doesn't exactly smile. "I know, I know you're in love and it's not me. It's nice of you, to be nice to me."

JC rubs Lance's hand. "Do you know who?"

Lance opens his eyes and says, "I think so. Does it matter?"

JC sighs. "I'm sorry."

Lance says, "Justin doesn't have a crush on Chris."

Justin doesn't have a crush on Chris. Justin stands outside Lance's hospital room and psyches himself up. JC sits outside the room with Joey and watches Justin concentrate. After fifteen minutes in the room, Justin walks out and quickly down the hall, cell phone open but not on. Joey leans in and says, "He's gonna call Brit. Because he loves her. Because it's very important that he call her right after he sees Lance. Really." Joey grins, his beard tickles JC's ear.

"You think, you think that?" JC turns away and rubs his hand in the same place he was rubbing Lance's.

"Oh, yeah. It'd be sort of funny if it weren't really sad. Justin won't admit where he looks, Lance looks and," Joey pauses, "people look away and maybe it's just a big ol' circle of looking."

JC's face is stinging. "Maybe it is, maybe it isn't."

Chris walks over and rests his head on JC's lap. He looks up and he says, "We gotta do something about this. About Lance."

JC tries not to sit back. "About Lance?" JC thinks for a moment, maybe Chris saw or something. Then he blinks. "About Lance collapsing."

Chris nods solemnly, his chin pressing against JC's knee.

One more rack to be tied to, but JC knows this is how they have to get things done. This is such a big opportunity and they're doing so well. They're not doing well at all. JC has worked so hard to be big, to make it big. He wants it now for all of them. For Chris. For everyone.

He gives a deposition and he's so angry. He thinks about Chris and JC thinks about the things he hasn't done because this was all so important and the whole time, they were all being robbed. When he's done, Chris stands behind quietly, rubs his shoulders and says, "It'll be okay, I swear. I swear, man, we'll make this happen right." JC's shoulders sting like his face.

Chris leaves to call Dani, and Lance stands by JC and says, "He's right. It'll be okay."

Lance radiates warmth. But JC is used to the pain by now and he likes the stinging. Lance still loves him, JC thinks, but JC meant never again and he thinks Lance will figure that out, some day. JC hugs Lance, strong, standing Lance and they leave together, get something to eat and make jokes about what they'll do with their millions. "We're gonna make millions," Lance says, smiling. "And we'll buy off anyone who tries to say they saw us kissing Ricky Martin." Lance grins and JC tries to smile back.

They're making the video for the first single, they're really free. JC makes jokes about being poor and he truly is, but he knows, he knows deep down that he won't be for long. He watches Chris for a moment and it feels like a slap. Lance is talking to Darren, his hand on Darren's forearm and JC thinks, I'm stupid. Stupid. Because what was he so afraid of?

He says it to Lance. He says, "Do you think I'm stupid?"

Lance looks at Chris laughing with Joey and back at JC. "Let's, you know, let's talk about it tonight. After this."

JC sits on his hotel bed and waits for Lance, later. Lance comes back three hours after the rest of them and the side of his neck is flushed and red. JC doesn't say anything. It's a good thing, he wants Lance to have sex and be happy. JC says, "Am I stupid?"

Lance leans against the door and rubs his chin. "You like Chris, right? You know what I mean?"

"Yes. And yes." JC plays with his pendant.

"Okay. Why not at least say something?" Lance tucks in his shirt. He isn't wearing underwear now and he was earlier when they changed after the shoot.

"Because I don't know that he's that way. Because it could screw up the group. Because of those things."

Lance scrunches up his face like he's trying to suck words out of the room. "He's that way," he says quietly.

JC says, "Do you. Oh. You know personally?" Lance blushes and nods. JC feels his stomach somewhere around his knees and JC says, "When?"

Lance almost laughs. "In Germany, when I was eighteen. He said, he said the same thing you did, never again, just this once." Lance looks upset or young or both for a minute. Then he looks older and he says, "Chris doesn't have a crush on Justin and he never has, you know."

JC laughs in relief. And he says, "Justin came crying to me once that you guys were teasing him, saying he had a crush on Chris."

"I said that. Just me." Lance smirks. "For like an hour, it was fun."

JC says, "Justin doesn't have a crush on Chris." Lance rolls his eyes.

Lance says, "So, Chris does do the things you want. He has a girlfriend now, but maybe. I don't know, JC, I think things won't be messed up. Things are different now. Lou can't touch us."

JC says, "Yeah. Yeah."

He waits. It's not like he thinks things will change. He falls for Chris every day. Chris tells jokes during interviews so Justin doesn't have to talk about Britney. Chris calls his mother nearly every day. Chris prays. JC smiles so much, he doesn't notice his face hurts.

Two days after they get the numbers, when JC knows everything is safe at last, he finds Chris late at night, in a bar. He gestures to Chris to sit across from him at a small table in the corner. Chris sits down and smiles. "We're still toasting this thing, right?"

JC grins and raises his glass again. Their glasses hit and JC's fingers smack against Chris's glass. It only hurts a little.

JC says, "Chris. I have this thing, I should have maybe told you earlier. A lot earlier." JC looks at Chris and he thinks it must be written all over his face.

It is, or Chris saw it long ago. Chris looks straight at JC and says, very quietly. "I'm with Dani, JC. I love her."

JC blinks. It hurts worse than anything. A full body blow, he thinks and he hopes his mouth is closed. He rubs his jaw, pushes his mouth closed. He says, "Okay. That's good." He gets up and leaves the bar and it's such a long walk to his room. He lies on his bed curled in a ball, holding his stomach and doesn't fall asleep for a long time.

Bobbie is an almost journalist but she actually has a master's, she's more educated than anyone JC really knows and she'll do anything he wants in bed. She's not sweet, but she always looks at him first when he walks into a room. Lance doesn't like her and JC thinks that's good. Lance needs to move on with more than his body.

He barely looks at Chris. He feels the sting and sometimes doesn't even know where it came from. It's still always Chris, even when he isn't looking.

Bobbie is like syrup, she pours over him, warm and sticky. He wouldn't call it love, and he never says that to her, but it's good. He tells himself it's good.

Lance pretends to like her, as does everyone else. Except Britney, JC thinks. Britney seems to genuinely like Bobbie. JC wonders if Britney is just happy to have another woman around sometimes, a break from all the boy craziness. Dani is more like one of the boys, mostly, or she and Chris go away somewhere alone.

JC isn't miserable and if he isn't exactly perfectly happy, he's close enough. This is safe, and he gets laid in a way that leaves him breathless, mostly.

He's forgotten the longing and the ache of Chris. Chris is just his friend. Even when Chris and Dani break up and Chris won't leave Justin's side, he doesn't think about it. JC's warm and safe and Chris said no. He thinks about it sometimes, but then he finds Bobbie or another girl and they fuck until it hurts and he stops thinking. He lasts like that for a year, maybe more.

Banging at his door, fists against the grain. JC rolls out of bed and wonders where Bobbie is at the same time he opens the door.

Justin pushes in the room, sweaty and drunk. "You know where your whore is?" His voice slurs.

"What, what are you talking about, man?" JC rubs his forehead and then tries to reach out to Justin. Justin shies away.

"In my fucking room. In my room and I got back late or early, and fuck." Justin punches a wall, not hard, just enough to hurt his hand and he shies away from JC again and cradles his fist. "I got home early and they're naked, on my fucking bed. Kissing. And, with their hands, that stuff."

JC shakes his head. "What?"

Justin grabs JC and says, spitting a little, "Britney and Bobbie were fucking on my bed. They've been fucking for a while. Your girlfriend and my girlfriend." Justin lets go of JC and slaps JC. "Your fucking girlfriend!"

JC's face is stinging. A slap in the face. "Don't fucking hit me." He pushes Justin and Justin falls on his ass. "I'm not your problem."

Justin covers his face. "I'm sorry," he wails. "My girlfriend is fucking your girlfriend, man. I'm sorry, okay?" JC feels light as air and he gets on his knees and holds Justin.

He calls Lance to take care of Justin and when they're gone he waits for Bobbie to come back. It's an hour. He's already packed her bag. She says, "You asshole," when she sees her bag by the door.

"I'm the asshole? You fucked Britney and I'm the asshole?" JC can't sit down, he's thrumming with something. Only a little anger.

"You fucking asshole. I wouldn't be fucking around if you were ever here when you're with me." She grabs her bag and opens the door. "I don't feel bad about this, you know. It's a fucking relief! She's better in bed than you!"

JC slams the door and sinks against the door, laughing. He covers his mouth so Justin doesn't hear through the wall. He laughs until he cries, wipes his eyes and rubs his face.

He knocks on Chris's door. Chris opens the door and stares at him. He says, "You upset about this craziness with Brit and Bobbie?"

JC grins. "Not at all. Let me in, man."

"I thought you, you sure seemed to like her." Chris leans against the door while JC walks to the bed. Chris always lets him and that gives JC hope.

"I did. But it wasn't, you know. I'll miss her later. I have this thing I want to do right now." JC smiles wide and starts taking off his pants.

Chris's eyes widen. "You're gonna piss on my bed or something? They were fucking on Justin's bed."

JC laughs. "I don't care where they were fucking. I care where we're fucking and I think here is best. You should take off your pants, too."

Chris licks his lips. "You've gone nuts."

"No, I've gone sane." JC takes off his shirt and steps out of his pants. "Chris, come on. Haven't we waited long enough?"

Chris still isn't undressing. He says, "I thought you were over this."

JC says, "I made myself forget. For a little while and, uh, let's do this, okay?" He almost wants to look away from Chris because maybe, really, maybe Chris doesn't feel anything at all and JC's just made himself look like the biggest asshole in the whole world.

But Chris smiles. He smiles and takes off his t-shirt and pulls down his boxers and he's hard. JC doesn't think happy is enough of a word for this. Or overjoyed or ecstatic.

Long steps to Chris except he grabs JC's arm when JC's a foot away and pulls him close. They tumble onto the bed together, JC falls on top of Chris. Chris is laughing and he mutters something, puts his hands on JC's waist.

The first kiss. The second. The third becomes the fourth and JC stops thinking of anything at all except Chris's lips and tongue and his beard against JC's chin. Everything stings. Like Lance tried to describe getting a tattoo, a prick and a prick over and over again until it's constant and hot and it's not pain at all, it's just pleasure and real.

JC moves down from Chris's beautiful face to his neck and collarbone. He's not kissing, he's just pressing his lips against Chris's skin. He licks and sucks at Chris's nipples and hears Chris moan. Warm, pale stomach and then he pauses. Because he's been waiting so long and there were so many others before this and none of them were Chris.

First kiss on the tip and JC opens his mouth to taste all of it, his hands cupping Chris's balls, coarse hair against his palms and JC can't breathe. No breath would be this precious.

Chris sits up and says, "Swing my way, give me --" JC turns his body and Chris's hands are on his hips, arranging everything. Perfect. JC smiles and opens his mouth again, tastes all of it at the same time he feels Chris's tongue, wet and hot on his dick.

There should be better words. Because there's nothing like this in any words JC can think of. He's so happy and alive and every part of him feels awake. Awake right now and nothing's prepared him for the softness of Chris's hands, the rasp of his voice or the tenderness of his mouth.

He moves his hips when he feels Chris about to come because he doesn't want to feel anything else. He swallows and swallows and Chris's fingers press into his hips.

Chris pants and then pushes JC onto the bed. It's the best thing ever. Ever.

In the morning, Chris says, "I'm glad you stopped forgetting."

JC calls Bobbie once and makes sure she got all her stuff from the room. Justin is sulky and doesn't talk a lot. He doesn't exactly dump Britney but JC is pretty sure they're not having sex anymore. Justin says a lot that he's her beard and not her boyfriend.

He feels happy, certainly. But more than that, he feels so much more. He and Chris have sex almost every day because they can, because it's never enough for JC. He just feels all the time. Not just his face, his smile, but the backs of his knees, the pad of his thumb, his neck, his wrist. Everything about him is so alive. He thinks this must be love, or some kind of miracle like that.

He still falls for Chris every day, more than once a day. A heightened sensation against his face, but not a smack, maybe. More of a thrill. Chris brings him lunch. Chris teases Justin until he actually smiles, until Justin is genuinely smiling all the time. Chris wears Brianna's shorts on his head for an hour during a meeting about t-shirt sales.

They don't really talk about it so JC thinks maybe the love part is all his. Chris doesn't treat him any differently than he ever did, except for the constant sex and the kissing. It's good enough, JC can't imagine what it would be to be happier than this.

They're in Bermuda during the rehearsals for the Atlantis concert, heat everywhere and they sit in a large room with so many windows. Chris has his arm around JC and the two of them read the paper JC holds. Justin stands up suddenly and says, "Lance." Lance doesn't look up. Justin says it again, louder, almost angry. "Lance."

Lance says, "What?" Annoyed.

Justin pulls Lance up from his chair and says, "You don't love Laura."

Joey gets up quickly and goes over to the door, leans against it so no one else can come in. Lance says, "Fuck you, man, that's none of your business."

Justin says, "It is. You don't."

Lance takes a step back but Justin grabs his hand, won't let him retreat. Lance says, "What is up with you?"

Justin says, "I've been thinking a lot. And, uh, I don't think you love her like you say."

Chris sings something under his breath, sings, "you don't really love that guy you make it with now do you?" JC grins.

Lance says, "You've gone nuts."

Chris says quietly, just to JC, "He's gone sane."

Justin says, "I never ever in my life had a crush on Chris."

Lance shakes his head. "You did, too."

JC says quietly to Chris, "That was actually me, you know, not Justin."

Justin says, "Let me make the emphasis clear here, dumbass. I never had a crush on *Chris.*"

Lance opens his mouth to protest or question, but then Justin is kissing him, hands on his face holding him there. Lance pulls back and says, "Me?"

Justin says, "Duh. For, like, fucking ever. And you know, balls in place over here finally, kiss me back, okay?"

Lance does. They kiss for a while. Joey is laughing into his hand. JC says, "Weird."

Chris says, "Love is weird, man."

JC says, "Definitely."

Chris says, "Look at us, right. Love. And weird. Look at them, I think Justin has to run out of air any second now."

JC finds this amount of happiness almost but not quite more than he can bear.

THE END!

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