NOTES: All made up. For entertainment only. Thanks to G, thank you again. Thanks to Younger and Kel. Justin quotes the song Celebrity Skin, by Hole. All song titles and artists named are real.

SONG TITLES YOU CAN'T USE

Nick sends an email two weeks before and he writes:

We're complicated comunicators, man. Surfing the net because I'm bored and found this list of song titles. Never heard of any of these people but here's some song titles you can't use on the album.

Justin never ever comments on Nick's spelling.

100 Things You Should've Done In Bed - Snow Patrol

Justin remembers the first kiss, when he hit his head against the bathroom wall and Nick just stopped. Nick said, "Are you okay?"

Justin said, "Fuck, don't --" and kissed Nick, shoved his hands down Nick's pants and they kept going.

So the first time was just handjobs, and the next time was blowjobs and they never had enough time. They made time, now they make time.

Miles and miles of perfect skin, Justin thinks, and sometimes he sings the song against Nick's arm, stomach, legs. Long legs and strong and it takes a good fuck and sometimes two before Nick relaxes and forgets he's naked. Nick takes forever to forget his body isn't right, too big, not lean, no six-pack and Justin just waits. Justin watches Nick stretched out on whichever bed in whichever place they are that time and he never takes his hands off Nick, not once, while they fuck. He's said things, "you're so fucking hot," and Nick just shrugs.

Nick likes to be fucked lying on his stomach. Justin loves the view, says it while he traces his fingers over the tattoos on Nick's back and Nick pretends to believe Justin when he says it.

So when Justin thinks about it, he thinks about anonymous rooms of increasing wealth, the heat beating against them, Nick's pale thighs solid under Justin's hands and the way they kiss, wet and soft.

The Song Formerly Known As Whatever We Used To Call It - Noise For Pretend

They knew of each other in a way that meant when they actually met, Justin was prepared to not really like Nick. Instead, meeting Nick at that stupid basketball game was when Justin finally put two and two together and got "queer" and knew the word described him. Because Nick's nervous laugh and fiddling with his hair and bumping into each during the game left Justin confused and hard. Definitely hard.

So they kissed in the bathroom. And Nick pressed a good phone number into Justin's hand, and later, a real email address that he actually checked. Justin didn't say "I love you," when he hung up the phone or ended his emails but he thought it. He thought it was implied.

Crazy adolescent crush, Justin thought. The only part of high school he and Nick ever had, with their faraway connection that never included fidelity or any actual discussion of what they meant to each other. If anything.

Until Nick called and cried about Brian and how evil Lou and Johnny were. Justin couldn't hear that shit about Johnny. Johnny had never been anything but nice to them, and Lou may have had bad contracts with Nick, but not Justin. Justin believed that for some reason that he's not sure of now. But Justin told Nick to shut the fuck up and hung up. They didn't talk for months.

Out of nowhere, Nick called when Lance was sick and just said "I told you so" and Justin called him an asshole motherfucker and hung up again. Over the course of the year before the first fight, they'd met in person, made out feverishly all of four times. And then Lance was sick and all Justin tasted was bile and sour milk when he thought of Nick.

The Birds Start Talking English - Amy Annelle

When they had been talking, Nick used to complain a lot. Whine about his mother, about how hard things were. Justin felt strong and good that he could offer advice, and friendship and be supportive. Nick felt he couldn't tell other people, but he could tell Justin. They were connected. Until they weren't.

During the part of that bleak fall when Justin was in Toronto and lawyers were fighting over the rest of his career, Nick called out of the blue in the middle of the night. Justin put his script aside and stretched out on his bed. "It's my mom," Nick said, his voice breaking, "And you have every right to hang up on me and whatever but I just. I don't know who else to talk to. She's just."

Justin said, "Tell me." Then he said, "Don't you ever talk about Lance or Johnny to me again, okay? But you can tell me. I want to hear."

Nick's pretty fucked up. Justin's pretty sure he loves Nick now and he loved Nick then, but he knew from the beginning that Nick was broken in places Justin's never been bruised. And sometimes, when he was tired, Justin would think most of their conversations were some variation on Nick saying, "I suck, my family sucks" and Justin saying, "No, you don't, and yes, they do."

It's more than that. It's only one part of their connection. "You're smart, man," Nick says, and Justin thinks, maybe. They fit together, apart and together.

And they haven't stopped talking since then.

The Ocean Built A Ship - Alsace Lorraine

Justin's never seen Nick's boat. He's been in Nick's house once, for a party. And only the one in Florida, never the one where Nick's parents are. He sees Nick when Nick's at work, performing, recording, being a big star.

Nick's never met Justin's parents or his brothers. Nick doesn't know what Justin's dogs look like. He's met Trace once and it was just a quick hi and bye.

It doesn't matter.

The Failure Of Love Is A Brick Wall (you prayed for me to hit it) - The Apartments

Justin had reasons to hate Mandy. The first reason was the hating anyone else who shared Nick's bed. The second reason was hating anyone who made Nick feel like shit. Usually that list was limited to people with the last name of Carter and anonymous fans on the Internet, but Mandy was Mandy.

That's the way they work, the way Justin thinks of it. Nick calls or finds him when he's in trouble, when he can't complain about something one more time to his guys. So there are times when Nick feels like a vine tight around him, clinging and squeezing and wrapped so tight Justin can't breathe. But he can't imagine unwrapping Nick, it's important. Even when he's sleeping with a gold-digging whore and Justin bites his lip so he doesn't say "I told you so."

Nick wanted someone around, someone he could take places and Mandy was willing to say how much Nick's mom sucked. Justin was glad to see the bitch gone. And since then, bless him, Nick hasn't dated so much.

Nick was always jealous of Britney. He's jealous of people who can call Justin with the same privileges that Nick has. Nick doesn't mind people Justin fucks, he minds people Justin listens to with attention.

Nick liked it when Justin would talk about his problems with Britney. Justin thinks Nick never quite got that Justin's problems with her were the same as Justin's problems with Nick. Distance, lack of time, jealousy. At least Justin didn't give a fuck if Brit slept with other people.

Nick didn't say "I told you so" when Britney and Justin broke up which made Justin happy. It was something.

Song For The Julian Calendar - The Mountain Goats

So it's not every day and it's not even every week. It's still real. It's almost every day that they talk, through email or IM or phone. So what if they're only together physically once a month if they're lucky, it's good enough for Justin. It's not what romance novels call a relationship, but it's what works for them.

He doesn't count days together or nights apart. He doesn't care anymore. He thinks of Nick when good things happen to him, he knows Nick thinks of him when he needs support. It's not about a calendar, it's about them.

Everyone's Happy For The First Time In Weeks - Small Factory

Nick sends him the email about the song titles he can't use two weeks before San Luis Obispo. Nick tells him over and over again about the shit he has to deal with on his album. His guys, Nick thinks, are supportive but torn and he gets all these mixed messages from them. The record company assholes are all the same and he thinks The Firm is bored with him. He called and complained a few times and then they got into a screaming argument in June, two weeks ago. The day of the email. Nick said Justin never ever talked about his album because, like always, Justin felt he was above Nick, better than Nick. Justin said, "That's not it at all, fucker."

Nick said, "Fuck you. Fuck you and your 'I'm there for you, Nicky' and you never ever talk about anything that's good with you because you have to spare my feelings like I'm a widdle boy or something and you don't talk about anything that's wrong 'cause it's never as wrong as my wrong stuff and fuck it."

Justin said, "It's not like that." Except it was, it is.

"It fucking is. I'm twenty-two, you dork, it's like, I'm not all a little brat here. You can tell me this shit and I won't fall apart."

"I know," Justin said. And then they talked about something else. So it's okay again. Justin tries to believe Nick and he mentions producers for his album, things he gets asked to do like modeling. Nick doesn't fall apart.

They're in LA and it's summer and they have two days. Two days in a hotel in San Luis Obispo, a few hours north of LA, and they talk, they always talk but nothing deep. Mostly, Justin tries to see how long he can go without letting go of Nick.

THE END

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