Notes: lyrics all from PJ Harvey's album, same title as the story.

one-day-i-know-there'll-be-a-place-called-home

The music's so loud and it's that new PJ Harvey which isn't even new but her most recent one. People rave about it, but not that many people Justin knows. The music is loud enough and it's nothing you could really dance to but it feels like a video. A place for us, a place called home or something and the beat is strong. Justin grins and lets the music take over.

He walks over to Lance and kisses him, all dirty and nasty. His hands are on Lance's waist and then Lance backs up, breaks the kiss. Justin mouths the words of the song, back to the chorus so Justin knows them now, and Lance rolls his eyes. He grabs Justin's ass and pulls him closer, the kiss is so far from chaste it's probably illegal. Nothing can touch them, they're so big and untouchable and they kiss for the whole song.

There's a certain inevitability about the next part. Justin's not a PJ Harvey kind of person and he should have known. Three pictures on the front of the New York Post, one where you can tell it's Justin, one where it's clearly Lance and one in between with Lance's hands on Justin's ass and their faces obscured by the passion of the kiss. And they call the day before for a comment, Justin's phone ringing and ringing and his first thought was why was Lance in his bed? Justin never let Lance stay and Lance never let Justin stay but there he was.

They have a meeting the day before the pictures are on the front page and Johnny says, "What the fuck?" and "how long?" Lance looks down at his hands flat on the table and carefully doesn't answer and doesn't look at Justin. This, Justin knows, is a kindness. Because Lance is letting Justin decide what to say.

Justin says, "Everyone here knows I'm bi, come on."

JC says, "How long with Lance?"

Johnny says, "I need to know what to expect. What we can do from here."

"When I was fifteen. The first time. And a bunch after that. But never, like, dating." Justin looks at Lance again and Lance doesn't look up, just sighs.

"Twenty-three times," Lance says and starts listing them all off. Justin realizes Lance is describing each encounter the same way: time, place, who might have seen. Johnny nods and decides and Lance won't look up so Justin is the one who sees JC flinch midway through and then walk out.

Then Johnny is just fuming and the very special PR people brought in to deal with this blather. Justin wants to blame it on the music, blame it on PJ Harvey but he thinks no one will buy it. He says he was drunk. He says he thought the club was safe, they were in the VIP section. Everyone's done it.

the mess we're in and the city sun sets over me

Justin downloads the PJ Harvey album, because she owes him. They decide, Johnny and the super-PR experts decide to no comment it to death, make sure no one asks them about it. Off the record they talk a lot about photo manipulation, things you can do with computers and the story goes out softer than Justin expects. There's still jokes and everything Justin doesn't think he can handle and has to anyway.

Act naturally, they tell him, no comment, no lying, because Johnny thinks there might be more in the pipeline and he wants to be ready for the worst. Justin isn't ready and he listens to the PJ Harvey album over and over again. The mess we're in.

JC isn't exactly speaking to Lance and Lance is acting naturally much better than Justin.

Chris corners him and says, "Fifteen?"

Justin says, "I jumped him, okay? You knew I was bi."

Chris says, "Yeah. But I didn't know about Lance." Chris looks away and says, "Is that why Brit?"

Justin shakes his head. "No, no. I love Britney. I really do and she knew how I was and okay, I cheated on her, but not that much and not with girls." Justin sighs. "I'm a shit, I know it. I think she thought if she loved me enough, I'd stop liking dick. I mean, she wanted us to get married and I wanted to fuck Nelly and stuff without her finding out about it. And it was just, I thought I couldn't keep doing something like that to her. Not to Brit, you know?"

Chris says, "You're not a shit, man."

Act naturally, this mess we're in. MTV comes round to film another special with backstage moments and Justin hangs with Lance like normal. The moments they're together get the most play, MTV's almost subtle way of addressing all the stories even though Johnny really has no commented them to near death. Justin listens to PJ Harvey a lot.

J-14 runs a story about crazy stories on the internet and talks a lot about photo manips and not trusting gossip. It's the closest they come to saying, no, no, don't worry, ignore the pictures right in front of you. Johnny really loves the story.

i can't believe life's so complex when i just wanna sit here and watch you undress

Justin and Lance fuck again the night after the J-14 story comes out. Hotel and it's the safest of all. Lance leaves while Justin is lying on the bed, watching the ceiling and before Justin realizes.

A week later Justin comes into Lance's room and sits on his bed. Lance is shaving in the bathroom and he looks at Justin and says, "You not going out?"

Justin looks down at his feet. Three hours earlier he was on the phone with one of the Neptunes and the guy said, "Lance Bass is your boyfriend, really?"

Justin said, "He's not my boyfriend and haven't you heard of photoshop and people fucking with pictures?" Justin never lies, he's careful about that. He doesn't want to lie. He thought about asking someone if he could get PJ Harvey on his solo album. He really almost likes the album now, and doesn't count listening to it as his punishment for hubris. He thinks PJ would say no and he's had enough of veiled and open rejection so he never says anything to anyone.

And now it's night and Justin says to Lance, "I don't wanna go out."

Lance says, "You're gonna stay in and mope?"

Justin says, "Maybe."

Lance comes over and sits down next to Justin, not touching him at all. JC is only sort of talking to Lance now, and Justin knows how important that is to Lance. Lance is getting all of this worse than Justin but he goes out and acts naturally. Justin leans against Lance and says, "Stay in and mope with me."

Lance says, "We're not, Justin."

"Discord is beautiful sometimes, I mean, it works in a song." Justin thinks of the album and the chords he would never use but he likes there.

"We're not a song." Lance doesn't put on his cologne and doesn't move. Justin kisses him, after a while, and they have sex on the bed. Justin falls asleep and Lance wakes him up at 5 a.m. so he can sneak back to his room.

They do it again and again and again. The story seems to have faded away but Justin thinks everyone knows, they just won't say it out loud. He feels bad all over again but he's not strong. Life is too complex and he'll take this half-life for now.

This is kind of about you
This is kind of about me
we just kind of lost our way
but we were looking to be free

"I don't want to take a hiatus from you," Justin says to Lance and he's said it to everyone. But Justin says it to Lance while his knees are pressed against his chest. Lance's face is right above Justin, Lance's hair wet against his forehead. Lance opens his eyes and his head snaps up as he thrusts into Justin again and sweat falls on Justin's cheek. Justin clings to Lance's neck and they always end up fucking hard, but this time is harder than that. It's okay, Justin doesn't need to dance tomorrow.

Justin came quickly, he likes getting fucked and Lance always hits right where he needs to and then Lance comes and falls for a moment, but just for a moment. Lance sits up carefully, gets rid of the condom, stretches out Justin's legs and rubs Justin's thighs while he looks down. Justin reaches for Lance's hand, misses and says it again, to be perfectly clear, "I don't want to take a hiatus from you." Justin sits up and watches Lance walk to the bathroom.

Justin put the PJ Harvey CD in the stereo before they started and now he thinks he can finally stop listening to it. Because Lance hasn't said a word and this was the floaty song anyway. The floaty song at the end.

Lance comes out of the bathroom and puts on his jeans, his shirt. Justin stands up and tries one more time. "I don't want to take a hiatus from you." He hugs Lance, naked Justin against dressed Lance.

Lance says, lightly, "I'm pretty clear on that now." Lance hugs back, his hands moving up Justin's back, rubbing for luck or something. Justin relaxes against him, sags a little. They stand there for a minute, or maybe longer. Long enough that Justin knows that the next thing Lance says won't be about the joke and won't be another joke. Lance says in Justin's ear, "Don't worry, baby, everything will work out fine."

One day we'll float take life as it comes.

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