RATING: NC-17 for sex, language and intimations of violence. Sad, sad, angst. One sentence reference to 9/11.
DISCLAIMER: So fucking made up. Imagined. For entertainment only.
SUMMARY: You think that I'm strong, you're wrong.
NOTES: Title and summary from Robbie Williams, sequel to Like It If You Dare, last in Many-roomed House of Wood series. Need to read those first. Justin sings the Indigo Girls, JC quotes Leonard Cohen. Thanks to Melanie Thernstrom's The Dead Girl, my beloved j-lo, and the cutest co-Tiffany of all.

Joey read this article in Rolling Stone a month or so ago, some big expose on Justin's kidnappers. And they had this squalid life, mean parents and never got anywhere. Joey doesn't feel sorry for them, he just feels unsafe because there are millions of mean parents and millions of kids growing up in squalid places.

The bus is dark as Joey crawls out of his bunk but when he gets to the front, the light from the TV hits him and he sees Justin sitting in front of the TV, bathed in white. The sound's turned way down and Joey can't even tell what's on. People talking, he sees that. When he gets closer, he sees Justin's wearing his glasses and got the closed captioning turned on.

They're back to two buses, and the same old arrangement, Joey and Lance on one bus, Chris, JC and Justin on the other. But mostly, it's Joey, Lance and Justin, with Justin slinking on at a rest stop a few miles after they leave the venue. Lance never goes to Justin's bus unless Kelly and Brianna are there, so Joey's never rattling around in a big empty bus and he likes that.

He thumps against something on the floor on purpose so he doesn't startle Justin too much when he says, "Hey."

Justin looks up and waves. He opens and closes his mouth, smacks his lips. Joey sits on the couch and says quietly, "Why ya up?"

Justin cracks his neck and smacks his lips again. He sits up on the couch next to Joey and says, "New migraine prescription. New side effects. Cotton-mouth," Justin says, smacking his lips again. "And, insomnia. But supposedly, just for the first two weeks."

Joey thinks and it's been a long time since Justin had a migraine, the kind that made him miss rehearsals and shows. He says, "What was wrong with the old pills?"

Justin makes that smacking noise and pushes up his glasses to rub his eyes. Justin says, "There was nothing really wrong, I just didn't like one of the side effects." Justin watches the TV for a moment. "And it's funny, because the doctor's all, well, this one will give you insomnia so I can give you tranquilizers and it's like, take one thing to cure this, take this to deal with the cure."

Joey says, "oh," and watches dialogue on the screen. He doesn't try to read it. Justin's smacking his lips is really annoying, but Joey doesn't want bitch about it. He says, "But Lance is sleeping okay?"

Justin scrunches up his face and says, "Sort of. You know, better than before, mostly. It's kinda weird, cause he never remembers his dreams and he doesn't wake up from his nightmares, you know?" Joey knows and he nods vigorously, he's been sleeping on the bus with Lance for a lot longer than Justin. Justin says, "So it's weird, cause he makes these noises, and he thrashes a little and then he stops. But it's better than it used to be, a lot better, really." Justin laughs and covers his mouth. "And now I'm the one up all late."

Joey looks over at Justin and sighs. "But you think the insomnia will pass?"

Justin says, "Yeah. I just." Justin pauses. "It's kind of stupid. The doctor was mad at me, but you know. The doctor thought I was being stupid, but when I started on that old one, the pills, I stopped remembering anything. And the doctor says it's not related, blah, blah, blah, I've just remembered everything I can, but I think they're connected. I think so, so I made him get me another prescription." Joey thinks about the last tour, and all the times he'd see Justin and Lance talking over some flash Justin had had, some snatch of thirty seconds and, yeah, he hasn't seen that at all this time.

Joey says, "That sounds like a good idea. I mean, it's not like they understand how you remember things or don't anyway. So who is this guy to be telling you you're stupid for wanting to try something?"

Justin says, "A guy with an MD and a specialty in brains. But, yeah, thanks." Justin slaps Joey's knee twice and looks over at him. "Why are you up, man?"

"Can't sleep." Joey laughs and covers his mouth like Justin did. "Happens to the best of us." After a half hour or so, Justin starts to nod off and walks back to Lance's bunk. Joey stays up for another half hour. He turns off the TV and just stares out the window. He wonders how many times he's been on this highway, whatever highway this, and he doesn't get sleepy until after an hour and he blinks as he sees a cop car go by. He walks by Lance's bunk and sees Justin curled on his side, Lance's hand resting on Justin's hip. Lance is still asleep and it's really sweet. Even in his sleep, he's reaching for Justin.

*

Kelly comes and Brianna, too, for a few days and they're sitting on the couch watching Brianna sleep. Kelly says something about Lance being gone, and Joey says, "Yeah, now that's the happy gay couple bus for a few days."

Kelly looks over at Brianna and laughs a little. "She's gonna think it's perfectly normal that all her dad's friends kiss and hug and are all in love."

Joey frowns and says, "That's not bad. It's better than her growing up hating gays or being some evil homophobe and doing things."

Kelly laughs again and walks over to the kitchen. "Okay, Joe, kind of a jump there from not every kid's dad's best friends are two happy gay couples to Brianna gaybashing on South Beach."

Joey says, "Yeah," and laughs, too.

*

Backstage isn't a safe place, too many people they don't know, so JC's standing in one corner and Chris is across the room. JC's stretching, touching his toes and Joey grins as Chris tries not to be too obvious about checking out JC's ass. Lance comes in, wearing nice leather pants and a white wifebeater. Still ten pounds underweight, but he looks hot. The room empties out and as soon as it's just the four of them, Chris whistles at Lance and says, "Woo. Look at Mistuh Bass."

Joey's got nothing to do until he has to change and he wants to wait. He likes to wait until the last possible moment, even on this tour where the outfits are pretty low-key. Joey says, "Mistuh Bass, hot man around backstage."

Lance is rooting around in a bag, and he's ignoring them. Except for the way he wiggles his ass and Joey can see he's smirking. Justin breezes in and looks around quickly, sees they're alone. Justin stands right behind Lance and runs his hands down Lance's side to cup Lance's ass. Justin tugs at the leather pants with one hand and leaves one hand on Lance's butt. Justin says, "Man. How much time we got, how much time we got. Cause I want to get these pants off you, man."

Chris comes up behind Justin and drags him away by the waistband of his jeans. "No, you got no time to molest the poor boy, none. None at all." Justin giggles and Lance preens a little, still smirking as Chris drags Justin over to another corner of the room. Then some caterer comes in and everyone goes back to their bag or whatever. Joey slaps Lance's ass as he walks out, just to watch Lance turn around and wink at him. When he walks by Chris and Justin as he leaves the room, he hears the two of them whispering, "My boyfriend has a fine ass," at the same time and they both burst out laughing.

*

Joey finds Lance and Justin curled up on the couch in the bus, Justin's head resting on Lance's chest. Justin grins wide and says, "Joey! Joey, man, I had a flash, I remembered something this morning."

Joey sits down across from them and smiles. "Dude, that's great."

Lance says, "One of you. You were there!" He's almost laughing.

Justin says, "I was sitting on a bed, and you were there, and I said, 'Give us a kiss,' and you laughed and then I kissed you. And you didn't have a beard or anything --"

Lance interrupts. "It was in Germany."

Joey rubs his beard, and tries to remember. And then he does and he says, "Man. That was, shit, Justin, that was when we first hooked up. Because you came into my room and said that and kissed me."

Lance laughs. "And then there was mad fucking! For months on end."

Justin looks up at Lance and then back at Joey. "Really?"

Joey says, "No. Because a, we worked up to the actual fucking and b, we did actually talk after the kissing part. I'm not a complete asshole, I wasn't then either." Joey pokes Lance's leg.

"What did we say," Justin asks, one hand squeezing Lance's arm.

Joey squints and says, "Well, I asked you what you meant, and we settled that. And we talked about consequences and the group and you asked me if I'd done it before and I said --"

Lance says, "Yes."

Joey snorts and looks at Justin. "And then you said, who with, and I said --"

Lance says, "JC." Joey blushes and looks down and he doesn't remember telling Lance that, so JC must have.

Joey looks up and looks at Justin again. "Yeah, I said JC and you said JC was hot. And then I think I said, why me --"

Lance says, "And you said, 'Lance is weird,'" and his smirk is a little twisted somewhere.

Joey says, "That's not what he said, actually." Justin's almost petting Lance's arm, and he stares at Joey. Joey sighs and says, "You said, 'JC and Lance would take it too seriously and Chris won't do it because I'm a virgin.'"

"Pretty damn perceptive of me," Justin says. Joey laughs and agrees and then he goes back to his bunk because the two of them start looking more like they want to make out than like they want to talk. Joey doesn't mind giving them space.

*

He's backstage in a small room and Chris leaves. Joey looks at the three of them, at JC, Justin and Lance and realizes for the hundredth time that his entire not-straight sexual history fits right in this tiny space. All the girls he's ever fucked would fill a small club, maybe an even larger venue and Joey blushes when he really counts that. He twists his wedding band and thinks about asking the three of them if he was any good.

Joey was seventeen, maybe eighteen and it was some party right before MMC was canceled or right after and JC crawled into his lap and kissed him. Drunk and sloppy but Joey still kissed back. JC broke it off and smiled at him. JC said, "I'm gay, have I told you that?"

Joey said, "I figured it out, yeah."

JC squirmed in Joey's lap, floppy hair and even thinner than he is now, and Joey thought, hmm. JC said, "I'm gay and yeah, I haven't figured you out yet."

Joey said, "I like girls for sure, I know that, but, you know, let's find out the rest, okay?" He was hard, after all, from all of JC's squirming and he was drunk, so he had an excuse if he needed it later. He pushed JC onto the couch and sunk to his knees while pulling JC forward. Might as well dive into this exploration, Joey thought. He wasn't so bad at the blowjob, if he could judge by the way JC gasped and twisted his hands in Joey's hair. JC bucked against him and then sighed, spent.

JC didn't pull his pants up and he tugged at Joey's arm. "You could fuck me, if you wanted."

Joey nodded and JC said something about maybe not on the couch. JC pulled up his pants and they found a bedroom in the house, wherever the party had been. Joey had questions, but then JC rooted around in a bathroom for lotion or something and Joey was pretty sure this wasn't JC's first time so he didn't ask any of them. JC bent easily and he made sure Joey used a lot of the lotion and Joey never thought of using a condom. It was good, hot in a different way from fucking a girl even if the motions were kind of the same for Joey's part of it.

Joey thought he was probably not straight because he wasn't freaked out by JC's hard dick right beneath him and he'd enjoyed giving the blowjob. They never did anything like that again, which had something to do with JC leaving for LA and something to do with girls Joey met and fell in love with and he'd never love JC like that. JC liked sex for sure but he wanted to be loved completely in a way Joey didn't have in him.

In the tiny room with cream-colored walls like every venue in every city, JC stretches and pokes Justin in the ribs. "Justin, you ready?" Lance yawns.

Justin came into Joey's room when Joey was twenty and kissed him and persuaded him. Justin didn't know what he wanted when it came to certain things and he knew exactly what he wanted for everything else. So Justin wanted to try fucking boys without messing up everything else. Joey agreed and they made out a lot, for a few weeks, before they worked up to the fucking and Justin liked that right away.

Everyone knew, because they always did. Neither Joey or Justin had missed the look on Lance's face, no matter how quickly Lance had covered it, and they never made out in front of him or acted like they were fucking in front of him. It wasn't like they were dating, anyway.

Once when Lance went back to Mississippi for a week for a family wedding, Joey and Justin necked for a long time in the studio in a back room even though JC and Chris were there. The heat was on and they were both sweating and when they got back to the hotel, Joey licked the sweat off Justin's upper arm. Joey thinks about that a lot, about the sex they had that night and the way he licked the same place where Justin got his tattoo.

When they got back the States, it was over and without awkwardness. Joey saw girls everywhere and he let Justin down easy, not that Justin had fallen for him or anything. For Justin, then, sex was just an extra squeeze in a hug, something easy between friends. Joey had a string of girls and he loves girls. He sometimes thinks that he and Chris are the only ones in the group who truly appreciate women. Justin fucked a lot of girls, but he always went for the ones he knew everyone else wanted. Joey used to wonder if Justin picked them out by watching for the ones the other guys looked at.

All of it is like that, Joey thinks. He's not like Chris, he sees the essential Justin right there, all the time. The same sweetness, the same work ethic, the smarts and the humor and every day it's more and more clear.

Lance yawns again and stands up. He leans against the wall and grins at Joey while he rests his hand on Justin's head.

Joey kissed Lance the night they fucked in Joey's bedroom, the same bed where he and Kelly slept, the night they were told Justin was dead. They'd been talking and Joey leaned over and it was inexcusably stupid. He'd known forever that Lance was half in love with him, maybe all the way. They'd always been fine with it, Joey didn't screw guys anymore after Justin and it was just there, not something that was bad or talked about and they were fine. Joey leaned over to kiss him because he'd had this stupid idea that maybe he could find Lance again if he could feel him from the inside. Sometimes when he thinks about it, he remembers that he was aching to do something, to fuck someone and feels like a shit all over again.

Lance's eyes fluttered closed and his mouth was open. Joey kissed Lance and put his hands on Lance's knees to pull him closer. He pushed Lance back onto the bed, moved his hands up to take off Lance's shirt. Lance's chest was so intact, a sprinkling of hair, muscle. Joey had thought it would be bruised somehow, he couldn't believe how intact Lance looked under his clothes.

Joey thought, these are the clothes we were wearing when they told us Justin was dead. He thought at the time that afterwards he would gather them up and burn them.

Lance moaned under Joey's hand. Joey pulled off Lance's pants and Lance kicked them the rest of way off, and just turned over. And Joey knew it was stupid, but he didn't stop. He had time to think about it, had time to reach for a condom. He told himself he just wanted to make Lance feel something, see something of Lance that wasn't the blank mask he'd had those last few days. Thrust, thrust, Joey actually liked it and the feel of Lance underneath him and around him. Joey pulled Lance's hips up with one hand and wrapped his other hand around Lance's dick. He just wanted Lance to feel something, to show he felt something.

Joey knows he screwed up, he knew as soon as it was over. He threw the condom away in the trashcan and thought of Kelly, started balling up Kleenex to cover it up and pulled up his pants quickly. He looked over at Lance, flipped again on his back, one hand on his stomach, one hand rubbing his eyes. Joey lay down next to Lance. He put his hand over Lance's hand on Lance's stomach. "Lance," he said, but it was over again. Lance sat up and put his clothes back on and walked out. He hadn't said anything since Joey had first kissed him.

Joey feels guilty still, guilty and stupid. For taking advantage of his best friend, trying to help in the worst way possible. He's suffered for it. He feels sometimes he's still paying for it. He spent that month after the greatest hits tour ended listening to Justin on the phone, talking about all the ways Lance kept falling apart. Mood swings, when Lance had any moods to speak of, insomnia, and Joey's penance paid in every break in Justin's voice, or Diane's questions. Every Friday now when Lance closes the door and talks to his therapist for an hour and those ten pounds Lance maybe won't ever gain back. Joey knows some of that is just the stupid coincidence that Lance was the one who lived closest to Justin so he was the one who got the box. But Joey's responsible, too.

Joey helped to break Lance and he never meant that. Even now that Lance is better, he's still scarred and different and he doesn't look at Joey the same way anymore. He's in love with Justin and Joey's happy for him, mostly. Chris comes back into the room and they start to talk about the show, the venue and Joey stops thinking about it.

*

One one-thousand, left foot down. Joey knows these steps, twentieth show. Joey knows this shit cold. Two one-thousand, right foot down, hands to the left. Joey looks over and there's something. Justin is falling, something brown on his back. Three one-thousand, the band is off, missed note. Lance in his monitor saying, "Fucking c-" before someone turns off his mic. Lance is moving. Four one-thousand, Lonnie and Lance are tugging at the girl and now Joey has moved close enough, he can hear Lance cursing, a steady stream of "fuck you, fuck you, get off him." Five one-thousand, the music is gone. Joey stops counting.

This is third time, the first time since the kidnapping and it's always scary and it's always Justin. It doesn't make Joey feel safe that he's not the target.

Lance and Lonnie tear the girl off and security pulls her away, lost in a sea of blue jackets. JC is hunched over, collapsing on himself. Chris crouches in front of Justin, back to the audience. Justin's panting and coughing, and Joey can't see anything else because Lance is holding Justin. Security is surrounding them and hustling them to the back, Lance and someone supporting Justin. Flashes going off and the first ten rows could hear Lance's profanity, so that's one more problem for tomorrow.

Backstage in a small room, the medic is fussing over Justin. Lance hasn't stopped swearing. "Fucking shit, you goddamn get that motherfucker here right now," he says to Johnny. Justin's shirt is ripped, his neck is red and Joey can see deep scratches and a line of blood. Justin's mumbling and not quite crying. The promoter comes in and Lance and Johnny are in his face.

Joey just wants to do something, to make something better. Chris is sitting in front of Justin and Lance is now apparently incapable of speaking without using fuck in some form every other word. Chris turns around and looks at JC, winces, looks over at Joey. JC looks small and scared and this room isn't safe, with the promoter and the medic and some shithead from venue security. Joey walks over and hugs JC from behind, feels JC relax a little. It's something.

The medic starts peeling off the shirt and Justin is pawing at her, but she gets it off. Justin tries to put his hand on his shoulder and she pulls that away. Joey and the promoter stare at the scars on Justin's shoulder. Joey licked there once. Lance's eyes narrow when he sees the promoter blanch and stare. Justin is nearly hysterical. Lance doesn't turn around but he puts his hand on Justin's shoulder, covers the scar completely. Justin sighs and closes his eyes and leans back against the chair. And that's love, Joey thinks and holds JC tighter. Joey remembers the last two times this happened, and Lance leaned against Joey during the entire ruckus those times. This is different, and worse, and Lance doesn't look at Joey at all.

The medic pulls away and says Justin's probably okay, and Lance interrupts. "We're going to the hospital. The show's over, we'll refund the tickets for anyone who wants. On us." The promoter relaxes. Lance unbuttons his shirt and drapes it around Justin's shoulders. Lance stands there in his tank top and says, "Cause we're gonna sue your fucking ass for completely inadequate security, but we can afford this hit." Johnny just glares and the promoter backs out of the room.

Chris makes the announcement and Lance gets into the ambulance with Justin. Bodyguards all around them like always while Joey and JC follow in a van. Bodyguards everywhere and Joey still looks over his shoulder. They wait at the hospital in a separate waiting room and Joey lets JC lean against him. Chris, Lance and Johnny huddle in one corner, planning how will they "screw the fuck" out of the promoter, in Lance's words. Then Justin comes out, Lance's shirt hanging off his shoulders, only two of the buttons buttoned. It's not a safe place, doctors and nurses all around, but Justin's been so good and no one says anything when Justin just collapses in Lance's arms, clings to him. The doctor says Justin's fine, bruised but nothing's broken and he'll be fine for tomorrow's show. Fine.

They go back to the buses, and Joey calls Kelly, tells her everything that happened. He tries to sleep and wakes up twice before deciding to give up. He walks out to the front and Lance is pacing back and forth with only one light on. Joey says, "Hey. You feeling okay?"

Lance laughs. "Yeah, it's pretty typical, in a way. Everyone else is more wrecked than Justin. But, but I'm mostly fine. I should have a fun day tomorrow."

Joey sits down on the couch and plays with the remote. He doesn't turn on the TV. "I can't sleep. You think you're gonna get shit for swearing?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm sure someone in the first few rows has a picture of me snarling and they can all repeat what I said." Lance sits down next to Joey. He leans against Joey and that's nice, it's nice that they're back to being able to touch each other.

Joey hugs Lance and says, "You know what? Anyone who gives you shit, send 'em to me and I'll beat the fuck out of 'em. We have every right to be upset when someone tackles Justin. Every right. You're not 18 anymore, man, you get to swear like an adult."

Lance pats Joey on the back and gets up. "You're right. Thanks." He goes back to his bunk, climbs in next to Justin.

Justin's a brat for the next two days. He whines and pouts, and complains a lot that his shoulder hurts. The second night Justin doesn't get on the bus and Lance doesn't say anything. Joey kind of likes it, and feels guilty about it. He and Lance watch a movie after the show and share popcorn. They laugh a lot, too. After the movie's over, Joey says, "So no Justin tonight?"

"He's whatever," Lance says casually.

"You're not upset?" Joey stares at Lance.

"I wish he were here, but, you know. He's being pissy." Lance looks calm, a little edgy. Joey claps him on the shoulder and goes to bed.

At seven a.m. the bus stops and Joey wakes with a jolt. He hears someone walking quickly through the bus, and then he realizes it's Justin. Justin says something and wakes up Lance, and then Joey hears both of them walking to the front of the bus. Joey really has to pee. Then he hears the two of them arguing so he puts a pillow over his face to block it out.

He can only hear the sounds and rhythm of the argument and enough to distinguish Lance from Justin. He really needs to pee. It's kind of nice, though, it's nice to hear Lance sound like himself, snarky and bitchy and Joey smiles. He thinks fuck it, he's not gonna pee in his bunk. He rolls out and bolts to the bathroom, closing the door. When he gets out, they're still arguing and Joey's stomach rolls like his parents are fighting or something. Joey sneaks back into his bunk. He's starting to feel like an asshole for enjoying having time with Lance last night and enjoying that they're fighting. Justin and Lance's voices are rising and falling like it's a serious, maybe close to breaking up argument.

Joey debates going out there and disrupting the fight and just sitting back in his bunk. Then he hears Lance laugh and a little silence, and then Justin laughs. Joey's hungry now so he rolls out of his bunk to get to the kitchen before they get to the make up sex. "Hey, J, how's it hanging?" He says as he walks out. Lance is sitting on the couch and Justin is standing facing him and they're holding hands.

Justin turns around a little without letting go of Lance's hands, and says, "Hey, you makin' us breakfast? I want pancakes." Lance pulls Justin onto his lap and hooks his hands around Justin's waist. Joey laughs and starts making pancakes.

*

Joey calls Kelly and tells her about Justin being a brat. She says, "Good for him. Man, he's been all strong for you guys and he tries so hard. Let him be a brat for a few days, some chick jumped him. He deserves it."

Joey laughs. "Yeah, but we're the ones putting up with it. And, also, he's over it. Had his big fight with Lance, and he's been fine since."

Kelly's smiling, he can tell and she says, "They're so cute."

*

It's a Friday, last year on this date it was a Thursday and the night before everyone had been over at Joey's and Justin hugged Joey as he left. It's been a year since the day Justin was kidnapped. Joey gets up a little early and turns on MTV to watch some special they've cooked up. A few minutes in, there's knock on the door and it's Justin, so Joey turns off the TV as he lets Justin in.

"Were you watching that thing?" Justin says. "I wanted to watch, turn it back on." They both flop down on the bed. Joey thinks, oh, it's Friday, Lance is on the phone with his therapist.

They've just missed a little of the beginning, some quick history of the group. Then the program kicks into the part Joey didn't see. They never turned on the TV when everything was happening. Stone-faced cops and some guy from the FBI talking about how it's definitely a kidnapping. Justin just stares, pushes up his glasses and doesn't say anything.

In three days it will be a year since Joey and Lance slept together. And it's weird to think, but Joey guesses in four or five days, Chris and JC will have been together for a year. During the commercial break, Justin keeps looking at the screen and says, "Sorry for being an ass last week. I was, you know. Anyway, sorry."

Joey says, "S'okay. Kelly says you deserved to act like a brat once in a while."

Justin grins. The program comes back on and there's the press conference and Justin looking lost, with the cut across his face stark under the lights. Justin says, "I remember this part."

Joey remembers, too. He thought Justin was dead. Lynn wouldn't let them have a memorial service or anything, so Joey would just sit in his backyard and talk to Justin. Mostly about Brianna and how much Joey missed him. Sometimes about Lance. He thinks about that still, sitting in his backyard, watching Brianna, talking to Justin in his head.

JC's on the screen, a clip from an interview with MTV promoting this album. JC said, "It was the worst, the most painful thing ever. And it's like a heart attack, you know? You recover, but the muscle's still weak." They don't talk about it in interviews. JC only talked about it that once, because it was MTV, Joey thinks. They split up most of the interviews, Justin and Chris in one room, JC, Lance and Joey in another because it wasn't safe to have the couples together somehow. Everyone's encouraged to hang out with Joey these days, he's safe with Brianna and Kelly. Justin rubs his forehead. He turns to look at Joey and says, "Do you miss me?"

Joey knows what Justin means and he turns from the screen to look at Justin. "No. You're right here, man." Justin smiles.

On TV, the program is talking about Rebecca Schaeffer, John Lennon, Bjork and that bomb she got in the mail. John Paul Getty III, and his ear and lock of hair in an envelope. Joey closes his eyes and opens them. He turns to Justin and says, "How much longer does he need this? I mean, five months of therapy? He wasn't that fucked-up before."

Justin looks over at the other room where Lance is. He rubs his chin and says quietly, "I don't remember, but. I kinda think he was."

"I do remember and he was mostly fine, you know." Joey doesn't mean to argue and about Lance's sanity which is a touchy subject just on general principle but Justin's wrong. Joey knew Lance best and until Justin lost his memory, Justin wasn't even that close to him.

Justin looks at the screen and bites his lip. He sighs and says, "You know? He kinda was. I mean, there were things that made him feel bad that shouldn't've." Justin pauses. "I dunno, man, okay? He's a lot better than he used to be and he doesn't talk to me about that shit and," Justin pauses again. "You should ask him about that, not me."

*

Joey has two lists he keeps in his head. He keeps waiting for one to outweigh other, but lately, the last few months, the last year, the wrong list is heavier. Joey just wants to feel safe.

The first list, on the top there's Lance's voice on the phone saying, "Someone kidnapped Justin and they left a box. They cut off his tattoos and I called the cops and Johnny and no one's here yet." Lance's voice had never sounded so barren and desperate and needy at the same time. Joey called JC and Chris from Lance's house, he was the one to give them that news. Two months of thinking Justin was dead and watching everyone fall apart. And even now, with Justin back, JC's right and they're all broken and weaker. Joey licked Justin's shoulder. Ten pounds of flesh Lance has paid even now.

That's just the top of the list. Two businessmen with matching black briefcases and a woman in a green suit in the elevator when the band performed at the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. John Lennon, Rebecca Schaeffer. Columbine. When John Paul Getty III was kidnapped, his grandfather insisted on bargaining down the ransom and they sent his ear in an envelope.

A guy stole three thousand dollars from Chris's company, he was a cousin of one of Chris's sister's boyfriends. Lou. Three girls who've rushed the stage and jumped Justin. Carjackings, kidnappings, muggings. Joey keeps a list. He has bodyguards that follow him everywhere and he's still not ever safe.

The other list is shorter. Brianna. Kelly in white and laughing up at him at their first dance at the reception. His family. The guys, Lance laughing so hard tears came out of the corners of his eyes and he clutched Joey's stomach to stay standing. Entire streets blocked off once, when they were on TRL. Winning a Grammy.

Three girls he met once who didn't want to sleep with them or anything like that, who just blushed and one said, "It's just, when my day's been really bad or something, I think about you guys or sing a song and suddenly I'm kinda happier." Joey sometimes moves those three girls to the other list because he wonders if they were in those shots he's seen on MTV, the girls wailing and clutching pictures of Justin after the kidnapping.

Joey thinks nowhere is safe. He could quit and buy a house someplace in Montana, maybe, where no one would come without meaning and build a house like a bunker. Homeschool Brianna so she was never sitting in some cafeteria where people could come in and threaten her. Kelly wouldn't have people harassing her when she shopped because they wouldn't shop, they'd get deliveries. Sometimes it's Joey's favorite fantasy. A safe place.

*

Joey decides to walk around one day. He tells the bodyguards to hang back, talks them into it. They used to slip the bodyguards all the time, Justin especially during his cocaine days and then later when he went out to pick up guys. Two of the bodyguards quit after Justin was kidnapped even though he was just at home and he walked out to go running in his supposedly safe gated community. They didn't go work for someone else, they got out of the security business. Joey thinks about that too much. He doesn't trust the new bodyguards, even though they've been working for them for a year. He only trusts the ones he's known for years.

But Joey wants to give it a try. Too many days of thinking about kids whose parents never got them anything for Christmas. The bodyguards walk thirty, forty feet behind him and Joey wears a knit cap and his glasses. Two movies and three TV roles and he's still not that recognizable to most people.

Joey walks around in the hipster part of town, the cool indie kids and college students. None of the record stores even sell NSYNC, he thinks. He gets an ice cream cone at a small storefront and walks down a wet street, a slight drizzle falling around him. He sees two guys in their twenties, younger than him, and they're holding hands and talking with words punctuated by small laughs. One guy turns and kisses the other, right on the street. Joey thinks about Chris and JC, and Justin and Lance, and he wants to clap the guys on their shoulders, give them a big thumbs up. But he's really just some guy staring at them, licking an ice cream cone and maybe they'll look at him in his cap and jeans and workman boots and think he's some homophobe. So he looks away.

He goes into a restaurant that has a hand-made sign behind the register that says "Racist and homophobic remarks will not be tolerated in this establishment." He sits alone at a table by the window, sun spilling over everything. He sees one of the bodyguards standing next to the door, standing outside the restaurant, but otherwise, he's alone. The waitress has a tattoo on her wrist of a star and she just smiles as she pours coffee. The food's good, all natural and organic Joey thinks, but he gets an omelet that's still rich and good. No one bothers him and he watches the other patrons walk in and out. Two boys pointing at a magazine. A guy and a girl who laugh a lot, the girl covering her mouth as she blushes. An old woman who sips coffee slowly. Joey leaves a twenty dollar tip and he feels a little safer somehow, the omelet warm in his tummy.

He gets back to the hotel and there's three girls waiting by the entrance. They have CDs in their hand and a newsletter from the fanclub. Joey looks back at the bodyguard and stops a few feet behind them. Three teenage boys are bitching at the girls. He hears one of the boys say, "They're all fags, girl. They all take it up the ass on a regular basis." Joey snorts and thinks he's never taken it up the ass. Well, a couple fingers, but just from Justin and that was years ago.

One of the girls says, "So what? I don't care. I like them. Why does it bother you, huh? Jealous?" Joey grins and waves to the bodyguard. He walks up behind the girls and says hello. They blush and grin and he signs autographs and gets the bodyguard to take a picture of the four of them. He tells the girls that no one else will be coming out this way, and he's not shitting them so they can come in out of the intermittent rain.

One of the girls, not that the one who spoke up before, tells Joey that they prayed for Justin, they're so glad he's better.

*

A day off before the Los Angeles show and they all go to Justin's house, one he still owns out there. Justin's called ahead, conferred with the bodyguards about making sure they had ingredients and cooking implements and Justin's making dinner for all of them. When they get there, Justin's already started, the house smells like bread baking. Joey looks at the mantel and sees a framed photo of Lance. He takes it down and grins. It's a picture ripped out of a magazine and when Joey looks in the garbage can, Justin's taken out a picture of Britney, a real photo. Justin walks out of the kitchen wearing a plain white apron over his jeans and t-shirt and Joey holds up the frame and says, "We could get you a nice publicity photo, man."

Justin grins. He says, "Okay, I haven't been back to this place in more than a year. And I had, I dunno, all these pictures of Brit here. But I found a whole stack of teenie mags, like, I never knew but I apparently have a subscription to J-14 and YM and shit like that. So I looked through 'em to find a nice picture so the house feels more home-y, when I got here in the morning to start cooking."

Lance grabs the picture from Joey's hands and looks at it. "This picture is about two years old, you know."

"You look really hot in it," Justin says, laughing.

Chris peeks over Lance's shoulder and says, "Shit, yeah. Man, Bass, why ain't we hooked up?"

Lance raises his eyebrows and smirks. "Because you're annoying and JC would try and kick my ass and he really can't, and it would be this sad spectacle."

JC says, "I could, too, kick your ass, Lance." JC laughs and Chris sits down, pulling JC on his lap. JC says, "Gym-kata! Like that great movie, I'd dazzle you with my dance moves turned ka-rah-tay!"

Everyone's laughing and Justin goes back into the kitchen. He has the Indigo Girls on a boom box in the kitchen and they can hear him singing, "As the bombshells of my daily fears explode, I try to trace them to my youth."

Lance sits next to Joey on the couch and they talk a little while Justin makes bread and whatever else he's feeding them. Justin's been bitching about not having a decent oven and he was thrilled to discover this house in LA had one he deemed worthy. Justin comes in with tray of cookies and he places them carefully on the table. He says, "Technically, this should be dessert, but I know you guys, and so, here you go." Justin goes right back to the kitchen and they hear him singing, "Five miles out of the city limits we're singing and your hand's upon my knee. So we're okay, we're fine, baby I'm here to stop your crying."

Joey grabs a cookie and it's warm, almost too hot. It melts in his mouth, sweet and a tang and it's delicious. Chris licks his fingers and says, "Oh my fucking GOD. Justin, come in here NOW."

Justin comes running in, a streak of flour on his forehead. "What's wrong?"

"You can cook like this? This is, fuck, don't tell my mom, this is the fucking most amazing cookie I've ever had in my fucking life," Chris says. JC smiles and nods.

Justin rolls his eyes. "Cookies are best fresh, man. Also, I think I used too much vanilla on that batch, so." He walks back into the kitchen.

Chris says, "Fuck, Lance. No wonder you latched onto the Justinbot, fucking A."

Joey winces but Lance just grins and says, "He doesn't cook like this for me, I tell you."

Joey eats a cookie and licks his lips. There's bodyguards below and JC is sitting in Chris's lap like it's home. Joey says, "No place is safe."

Lance looks over at him and rubs Joey's thigh before reaching for another cookie. Chris is concentrating on his cookie. JC pauses and says, "This is safe."

Joey says, "It's already been broken."

JC says, "There's this poem, maybe it's a song. I read it, or something." JC pauses and everyone looks at him. JC starts to talk, singing a little. "Ring the bells, the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

Chris grabs another cookie and the tray is empty. Lance says, "Shit, I hope Justin got some of these."

Joey looks down at his hands.

Justin comes back in with another tray. It's bread, bread he made today with two sauces and butter mixed with herbs or something. Everyone dives in and Justin perches on the armrest next to Lance. The bread is amazing, the cream sauce better than anything Joey's had in years, he thinks. Lance says to Justin, "You got some of those cookies, right?"

Justin raises an eyebrow and leans against Lance. "I'm no idiot. I sample while I cook." Justin kisses Lance's head and then says, "What y'all talking about?"

Chris says, "Joey says nowhere is safe. JC says keep ringing the bells and there's a crack in everything and that's how the light gets in."

Justin stands up and hugs Joey from behind. He says, "I'll keep you safe, man." Then he gets up and goes back to the kitchen. Joey hears him singing, "You shed your skin, now shed this."

No one says anything else after the bread and then Justin brings out the main dish, pasta and broccoli. Dessert is this amazing chocolate cake that Justin refuses to tell them the recipe for. "Franco taught me, man. It's a secret of Franco's bakery."

Chris says, "Hey, can we convince Franco to cook for us? We'll pay through the nose. We would just have you do it, but we need you singing, too."

Justin laughs. He's sitting half on Lance's lap. Lance has one arm on the back of the couch, his fingers almost touching Joey's shoulder. Justin says, "He won't. He's, uh, he's from El Salvador, and he came here illegally and stuff. Then Amy set him up working at a bakery, made sure he got his citizenship during one of those amnesty things, and now he owns his own bakery. He'll leave that place when he dies and not before." Justin kisses Lance and says, "You taste like chocolate."

Joey's waiting for Kelly, she's flying in late and he can't really meet her at the airport anymore, so he waits for her. He thinks Justin's set aside some of the dinner he made for her, he hopes so. It's late and people have drifted around the house. Joey finds Lance in Justin's bedroom. Lance is sitting on the bed, holding the framed picture of the magazine page of him.

Joey sits next to him and says, "Justin really hasn't been back here since the thing, has he?" There are pictures of Britney, CDs that Justin never listens to now by rap groups, and pictures of the guys, but the only one with Lance in it is from Germany.

Lance nods and looks down at the photo. He says, "It's really fucking scary, isn't it?"

Joey says, "What? Lots of things scare the shit out of me."

Lance laughs and says, "Justin. It's scary. You know," he says quietly, "love. All that. Scares me every fucking day."

Joey feels sad and feels like an asshole. He rubs Lance's shoulders. He says, "Yeah, you know. Love, forever, dependence and independence and stuff like that. But, you know, he fucking adores you. Justin's, like, worthy of you, you know?"

Lance snorts. "Unlike you, say."

Joey swallows and drops his hands. "Okay, I maybe deserve that."

Lance says, "We're still good friends even if I'm not, even if I don't have this pointless crush on you. Or so my therapist says. Implies, she never actually says anything. But, yeah, I'm not, you know, going anywhere."

Joey thinks, because you're already gone and feels like a complete shit. Lance turns around and hugs him. Joey says, "Okay, I get it. You're always there for me, blah, blah, I'm a boner."

Lance says, "Hey, don't ask therapy boy for any words of wisdom. But yeah, basically." Lance is patting his back and then he says, "Justin, baby."

Lance lets go and Joey turns around. Justin is standing in the doorway, smiling. "Joey, Kelly's here. She's in the kitchen, eating leftovers." Joey gets up and when he looks back, Justin and Lance are sitting on the bed, holding hands and talking. It's okay, he thinks, and believes himself for once.

He walks by the balcony and sees JC and Chris sitting outside, watching the moon on the ocean. Chris is in a chair and JC is sitting on the tiles in front of him, leaning his head against Chris's thigh. Chris's hand teases JC's curls and it's pretty beautiful, the two of them and the night.

In the kitchen, Kelly's mopping up sauce with the bread and she says, "Fuck, that boy can cook."

Joey kisses her cheek and sits across from her. "Yeah, who knew?"

"Well, he worked at a bakery, honey." Kelly grins.

Joey says, "I said I don't feel safe anywhere anymore and JC said, he quoted some poem or song, he wasn't sure. He said, 'Ring the bells that can still ring, forget your perfect offering, there's a crack in everything.'"

Kelly looks up and puts down her fork. "'There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.' It's Leonard Cohen. Great song. JC's right."

"It made no sense." Joey steals a cookie from Kelly's plate.

"Of course it does. Nowhere's safe. But you, you don't go live in Montana or something, you ring the bells that still can ring. 'Cause we're not dead yet. It's like," she sighs and pauses. "Okay, so I used to live alone in that place on the first floor, across from the 7-11. And I had a friend, a guy broke into her house and raped her. And so I always locked my doors and locked the windows and I had a phone by the bed and a baseball bat under the bed. But, you know, after you do all that, you can't do any more than that. Someone can still smash the window and come in and maybe you don't reach the phone in time. But night after night, that won't happen every night. Probably, it will never happen to you, or me."

Joey rubs his forehead. The cookies are still good and he steals another one. Kelly slaps his hand. She says, "You know, the Secret Service? They do all this shit, but they can't guarantee that you won't kill the President. They can just guarantee that if you try or you succeed you will die right afterwards. What are you gonna do, Joe? You forget having a perfect offering and offer what you can."

Joey says, "Yeah." He looks down at his hands and plays with his wedding ring. He's so fucking lucky to have married the smartest girl he knows, a woman he still wants to fuck every morning when he wakes up. Put all his exes in a room, boys and girls and he'd still find her and take her home.

Joey says, "I slept with Lance, that night you came home, after they told us Justin was dead."

Kelly puts down her fork and knife carefully. She's mad, he can tell. She clasps her hand together and looks down. "I kinda. I thought so, maybe."

Joey says, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have, it was stupid, for a million reasons. I feel like a shit for all the times I've hurt you."

Kelly says, "Good." She looks up at him, her eyes wet. "Well, I know it won't happen again --"

"Of course not. And hasn't happened since and it won't. With Lance or anyone."

"Yeah, Lance is pretty much out of it in that respect anyway. Since he's completely over you." Joey winces and thinks, payback indeed. But he deserves it, so he takes it. "Everyone gets over you but me."

Joey says, "I love you."

Kelly says, "Yeah. I love you, too, you stupid shit." She sighs and starts eating her cake. "This is good cake."

"Yeah." Joey looks at his hands again, his big, thick, clumsy hands.

"I forgive you," she says quietly, her eyes on his. She's not crying anymore. "I'm glad you finally told me and I'm glad you didn't use the obvious excuses." She passes him some of her cake. He takes it gratefully.

They sleep in a guestroom in Justin's house, a room with pictures of Britney everywhere. Joey gets up in the morning and realizes Justin just moved every single picture of her in the house to this one room. It's maybe not safe, but Justin has no plans to invite In-Style or Cribs over any time soon.

Kelly makes pancakes for breakfast for all of them and has Joey bring some down to the new bodyguards waiting outside. They smile and tell him he has a fine lady. Joey agrees. When he gets back upstairs, Lance is washing dishes while Kelly teases him. Justin is singing a verse from the Buffy musical while Chris rolls his eyes and corrects the words. JC is reading a J-14 from six months ago sprawled out on the floor. It's not a perfect offering, but there's light from the windows, and it's as safe as Joey will ever find.

THE END.

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