NOTES & DISCLAIMER: Made up, made up. Inspired by Victoria Williams's My Ally. Secondary inspiration from my own fucked-up interpretation of REM's At My Most Beautiful. Title quotes from that song. Thanks to Shana, Divainfant, Jenn and Co-Sandy.

AWKWARD RHYMES

There were always a lot of people at auditions. False smiles and everyone was fake, even the eight-year-olds. Justin was thirteen and Chris was the only interesting person he met that entire day. He was older, but he didn't talk down to Justin or act all surprised that Justin wasn't a complete idiot. Chris just said something to Justin about his sneakers and they started talking about Michael Jordan and Chris didn't cluck and say how interesting it was that Justin knew that. They just talked. Then they each went in and did their bit and when Justin got out, Chris had just finished and when he saw Justin, Chris gave him his phone number and said, "Seeya 'round, Just."

Justin just liked Chris. He told his mom all about it when she met him outside the room and she smiled and said she'd like to meet Chris. Justin knew that part. He'd got that part over and over again since he was eight. He'd heard it for the first time after a woman pinched his cheeks for a little longer than Justin had felt comfortable. His mother'd held his hand and explained that some adults were sick and wanted to do adult things with children. And if he ever felt uncomfortable, he should find her and she would take care of it. Justin didn't feel that way about Chris at all. Chris was just cool.

Justin called Chris and Chris came by and they played video games. Justin's mom came in once or twice, cornered Chris in the kitchen after a few games and Justin could tell she had judged Chris okay. So they were okay to be friends. Which was good, because Chris was cool. And he was cool with Justin, he never once said, "You don't act like you're thirteen, you seem so much older," or said other crap like "You wouldn't understand." Chris was just Chris and he liked Justin as is and Justin judged all of it cool.

Chris knew stuff, of course, he did have ten years on Justin. He'd seen a lot of cool concerts and he had great records. He had actual records and not just CDs or tapes. When he called about the group, Justin said yes without even asking his mother.

Justin called JC, and JC ran into Joey and Chris knew Joey and everything was cool. Then there was Jason and Jason did something that pissed Chris and JC off. They had a meeting and Chris said Jason should go. He turned to Justin and said, "What do you think?" Like it didn't matter that Justin was only fourteen, like he was an equal. Justin just nodded and agreed with Chris because Jason wasn't cool and if he'd managed to piss off JC and Chris he couldn't be good people. So they got Lance and that was better even if Lance was kind of weird.

*

They had a party for some reason and when he wandered in a back room in a friend of Joey's house he saw Chris and JC kissing. Not friendly kissing, or Joey's drama queen kissing, but actual girlfriend boyfriend kissing like Justin had kissed Chrissie Mallory the year before. Except Justin hadn't quite got to the point where he felt comfortable putting his hands all over Chrissie the way Chris and JC had their hands on each other. Justin walked back to the party and called his mom. He told Joey he had school stuff the next morning and so he had to leave early. It was weird.

Weird, because he hadn't thought Chris was like that. And Chris hadn't told him at all, or even hinted at something like that. Justin pretended to fall asleep in the car on the way home because he wasn't sure what he wanted to tell his mom and he had a pretty good idea what she would say. When Justin was nine, he'd repeated some things one of the kids at Sunday School had said about gays except not with that word and his mother had sat him down in the kitchen for one of those serious talks. She'd told him not to use that word. He'd started to say something about the things that the adults said and she'd stopped him with one upheld hand. She'd said that Jesus loved everyone, no matter what and there was God's truth and there were the things that people thought and told themselves were from God. Justin had asked her how you were supposed to know the difference. His mom had said that God wouldn't ever hate someone because of who they loved.

Justin understood that, but people always said things. And it was weird, it wasn't normal to like boys if you were a boy. Justin went to bed and didn't say anything to his mother. And it was still weird, he felt weird around Chris and JC the next day. He didn't really talk to either of them for a day or two. Chris noticed right away and asked Justin if he wanted hang out, play a couple of video games after rehearsal and Justin looked down at his feet and said he had school stuff. His mom didn't contradict him, even though she knew Justin was lying, so he got away clean.

In the car she said, "What was all that about?"

Justin looked at his hands. Everyone said he would be really tall, he would grow into his hands. Justin said, "I saw Chris kissing someone. A guy. Someone in the band." Because Chris had been keeping a secret from everyone, and JC, too, and he kinda had to tell about Chris but, well, at least he wasn't exposing JC.

Justin's mom sighed. "And now you don't want to be his friend?"

"That's not it. It's just weird. I think it's weird."

And then Justin's mom started talking about love and Jesus and acceptance and basically telling him to stop thinking it was weird. Justin kept thinking that he'd known JC since he was twelve and Chris since he was almost fourteen and that it was weird that they both liked boys that way. His mom stopped talking and parked the car in the driveway. She looked over at him and said, "I know all those boys and I know Chris and none of them are bad people. None of them would do anything to hurt you, Justin. They aren't those kind of people."

Justin got out of the car and didn't say anything. He sat in his room and read a murder mystery for an hour or maybe two until his mom knocked on his door. "Justin, come down here," she said in that mom voice that meant he had to.

Chris was waiting by the doorway. "Let's get something to eat, J."

Justin said, "I already had dinner."

He looked back at his mom and she said, "Go get something to eat, Justin." Justin sighed and didn't say anything while Chris drove them to some burger joint.

They each got a burger and fries and Chris finally said something after Justin had eaten half his burger. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." Justin made little swirls in his ketchup with one of his fries. Justin kept looking at his fries. "I saw you kissing JC."

Chris sat back and said, "Huh." He ate some of his fries and stared intently at Justin. Justin could see him if he looked up but he just kept looking at his fries. Chris said, "Now, I know you're not that kind of uncool, are you?"

"I'm not. My mom says Jesus loves everyone and she's right and it's not that."

Chris said, "Then what is it?"

"It's not. You never told me." Justin looked up and met Chris's glare.

"Yeah, I don't tell you everything. And how wrong was I, Mr. No, I don't wanna hang out with you after I see you kissing JC?" Chris ate more of his fries.

"You didn't tell me, is all." Justin finished the burger and his fries and said, "Can we go now?"

And weirder still, things were basically okay after that. They didn't really talk about it, but Justin went back to being Chris's best friend and it wasn't that weird with JC and Justin didn't completely understand it, but things just worked out that way. He still thought it was weird, and he felt awkward and fluttery sometimes, watching JC and Chris talk and wondering what they did when everyone else wasn't around. He knew what they did, it was just weird to picture them both, like that.

After a few months in Germany, JC and Chris split up. Chris didn't say much to Justin besides a couple of "Men, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em legally," remarks and Justin just nodded sagely like he knew what Chris was going through. Justin kissed a lot of girls and did more than that with some of them and told Chris about it and Chris nodded sagely and gave Justin good advice about how to do all those things better. Chris liked girls, too, and once Justin saw him kissing a girl behind a club. JC didn't seem to like girls that way at all.

Justin liked Lance the least of all the guys, but he still liked Lance a lot. Lance was weird and he liked sports a lot, but he was fiercely competitive and he was always pretty shy, even around the other guys. He'd loosen up with a little beer in him or later at night when he was tired and then he could be almost mean when he started really talking. He could cut any of them down somehow with a single remark and Justin thought he was often the main target of Lance's wit. Other than that, Lance was mostly fun. Lance's mom and Justin's mom were around the most and they became good friends. Justin's mom would make the two of them spend their little off time together, and Justin resented the feeling that he was on a play date like a three-year-old.

Justin liked Joey less than JC and Chris but still an awful lot. Joey didn't like sports at all and didn't know how to play anything. He had been a drama student in high school and that apparently explained why he often acted like a big queen, even if Justin would never say that in front of his mom or Chris or JC. Justin would have thought Joey was gay, but after knowing Joey only four months, he'd already walked in on Joey with three different girls in various stages of making out. Joey said once when he was drunk that he wasn't attracted to men at all, and then he'd sighed and said it was such a pity. Joey was the funniest guy and Justin could see why women fell over themselves to get to him because he was so much fun and he had a sweet smile. Justin watched Joey with girls all the time so he could learn how to do all the things Joey did.

Justin liked JC second best. They'd known each other forever and JC was always kind to Justin. He loved music as much as Justin, wanted to succeed as much as Justin and liked sports enough to talk about them. JC had always been reserved about parts of his life so Justin hadn't been as hurt that JC never mentioned the being gay thing to him. JC still never said a word about who he was sleeping with or anything like that. But they were buds about the important things and Justin knew he could always count on JC.

Justin liked Chris best. It was hard not to like Chris once he started talking to you and hard not to laugh with him. Chris made everything fun and Chris always knew when to hunker down and get things done. He'd fight to death for the other guys, Justin knew that for sure. They were best friends. They took care of each other, they made sure they were both happy, it was completely cool.

One night, a few months after JC and Chris had broken up, Justin walked in on JC and Lance kissing. Justin backed out quietly so they didn't notice him and really, he'd only seen a few seconds of it. He wasn't that surprised about Lance, not at all. He went and found his mother and told her what he'd seen. She raised an eyebrow and asked him how he felt about that. Justin said it was fine to hold off another lecture about loving gay people the same as everyone else. His mother let him change the subject to their schedule in the next few weeks and they talked for an hour or so about his tutors and papers he had to do. Then Lance's mom came in and said, "Oh, Lynn, I need to talk to you," and Justin got up and went back to his room.

Justin thought now Lance and JC would be going out and he guessed it would be like when Chris and JC did and not really affect anything except the two of them would sneak off sometimes and come back flushed and happy. But he realized he was probably wrong about that when he got back to the room he was sharing with Lance and found Lance on his bed, crying a little. As soon as Justin closed the door, Lance turned off the light by his bed and turned towards the wall. Justin got dressed for bed in the dark and got under his covers.

Justin liked Lance least but he still liked Lance a lot, so he said, "I know you're not okay, so, uh, wanna talk?"

Lance said, "Fuck off," and sniffled.

Justin shrugged and said, "I'm sorry you're not happy, that you feel bad."

Lance said, "Okay," which was better than fuck off, so Justin turned on his side and fell asleep.

It was a little awkward for a few days and then suddenly Lance was best friends with JC. Justin thought that was a little weird but better than when everyone was walking on eggshells around Lance after figuring out that JC had shot him down.

Justin's mom told him that if she wasn't there and something made him feel uncomfortable he should talk to Chris. Chris would take care of it. Justin already knew that. He didn't understand all the things that made Chris uncomfortable, sometimes. Justin had been all the way naked with a girl by then, and she'd only touched his dick while he touched her between her legs, but it didn't bother him if photographers wanted him to look sexy. He'd done stuff, after all.

Justin didn't think he was that sexy, really, but airbrushing and the right poses seemed to convince a lot of their fans. Chris would get kind of pissy, though, and say things to people they worked with about how Justin was a little young for that pose. It pissed Justin off because Chris never said crap like that. He tried talking to Chris about it and talking about the things he had done and Chris said that Justin should just trust him. Justin was even more pissed off at that point because since when had Chris, of all people, thought Justin didn't understand things. Chris got pissed off then and yelled at Justin that Justin was really only sixteen and sometimes he should actually accept that.

They didn't speak for a few days and it made Justin miserable. Joey tried to cheer up both of them but it didn't work. Two nights after the big blow-up, Lance, JC and Chris decided to go to a club and Lance explained that it wasn't the kind of place Justin would like. Lance said, "It's, you know, the girls there would only be interested in other girls."

Justin said, "So it's a gay club?"

Lance blushed and said, "Yeah." Justin found Joey and the two of them decided to have a night in together. Joey got beer and they both drank too much while watching porn.

Justin said something about not quite getting the gay thing sometimes. Joey said guys didn't turn him on but it was no skin off his nose. Justin said he wondered if kissing a guy was any different from kissing a girl.

Joey laughed and said, "Let's find out." Justin giggled and sat up. They leaned forward and kissed and it was nothing. Not turned on at all. Justin laughed more and sat back on the bed to watch the porn Joey had found.

Justin had fallen asleep on Joey's bed when Chris prodded him awake. Justin blinked and looked at Chris and said, "Where's Joey?"

"I told him to stay in my room, I wanted to talk to you." Justin shrugged and sat up slowly. Chris said, "It kinda sucks when we're fighting, you know? So I wanted to talk to you."

Justin agreed but he wasn't about to say anything, he hadn't been in the wrong at all. Chris sighed and said, "Look, Justin, you don't need me to blow smoke up your ass about how mature you are because you know that shit. You have your shit together better than most sixteen-year-olds. You know that and I don't need to say it to you. But you have to accept that, fuck, there are things I know more about than you. I'm an old fart, you know? That counts for something."

Justin just shrugged again. He kicked his feet against the bed and said, "I know about sex. And I know about people who are skeevy perverts. So I don't need you telling me what things I should I say no about."

Chris stood up and leaned against the wall. "You ever had sex? Actual sex?"

"I've been with girls." Justin kept kicking at the bed.

"Look, I'll count your night of naked passion and mutual masturbation with Hildy the willing back in Stuttgart, but any time other than that?"

Justin kept kicking at the bed and didn't answer. Chris said, "I've had a lot more sex than you. Let's ignore all the real life physical things that can happen like diseases and pregnancy and just acknowledge right now that sex has some emotional component. Sometimes it's just fucking but not a lot of the time and you don't." Chris sighed and Justin looked up for a second and thought Chris was talking about JC for some reason. Chris said, "Sometimes it's a really special, beautiful thing. Sometimes it's just fucking torture. So, I know this. And you don't. You will, someday and you just don't now."

Justin kicked his heels against the bed a little slower. Chris said, "Stop fucking doing that or I'll rip your legs off and make you perform on the stumps." Justin bit back a smile. Chris said in a softer voice, "Look, you know how you're smarter now than you were when you were fourteen and we first met? Maybe I didn't start out as smart as you, but I've had more years to accrue smarts. I still think I'm ahead."

Justin stopped kicking his legs. He said, "I'm still ahead on all the other skills."

Chris laughed and said, "Except the sexy ones, baby, I got you beat on the oral sex front, believe you me. Even with the braces."

Things were back to normal after that, only better. Because it had been nice to hear Chris say that Justin was smart and mature, even if Justin would kill him if he said it again. Justin let Chris object to some things and argued with him in corners over the rest.

Then Justin was seventeen and they performed on MTV and even had an album out in the US and they were celebrating in New York and Justin was drunk. He was sharing a room with Lance again and he was almost asleep on his bed when Lance came in, flushed and laughing. Lance started to say something and then started laughing again. He flopped down on Justin's bed and started tickling Justin. Justin laughed, too, and pushed at Lance and then they were kissing, just like that. And it was a hundred times different from kissing Joey. Justin moved his hands over Lance's back for some reason and he liked it and he had no idea what the fuck he was doing but Lance was kissing him and Justin was hard.

Hard and turned on completely, and Lance flipped them both around so he was on top of Justin, grinding. Justin gasped against Lance's mouth and almost came in his pants. Justin opened his eyes and looked at Lance because he thought that would shock him back from enjoying this, but instead he was more turned on.

Justin gasped again and thought his mother had expected this. All that shit since he was nine because she thought Justin would end up like this, kissing boys and liking it. She had seen it in him. Justin pushed a little at Lance and said, "Lance," sounding high and panicked to his ears.

Lance pulled up and said, "Justin?"

Justin closed his mouth and tried to think around this. Around Lance's legs still pressing against him and how it was as hot as Hildy and maybe a little hotter. He opened his mouth and closed it again. Lance said, "Justin, you want me to stop?"

Justin said, "Don't. Don't talk, okay?" and he didn't know why he said that either. He kept looking at Lance and Lance narrowed his eyes and then lowered himself on Justin again and they were kissing again. Lance could really kiss, Justin thought. Lance broke off the kiss and licked Justin's neck and that was way more hot than it should have been. Doing it with boys shouldn't have been hot and it shouldn't have been that good to have Lance remove Justin's shirt and kiss his way down Justin's chest. Justin panted and kept his eyes open. He needed to see. He would see everything and he would stop liking it so much.

He liked it all. Lance ran his hands over Justin's pants and his crotch and Justin bucked up against the pressure. Lance chuckled a little and slowly removed Justin's pants and boxer-briefs. Justin thought he would run out of air when Lance first kissed the tip of his dick. And he was seriously concerned about passing out as Lance licked his dick and then practically swallowed it. Fuck, fuck, Justin thought, it was all so hot and he'd had one girl do that and she wasn't anything like Lance at all. She wasn't as good as Lance, clearly. Justin came right when Lance started humming and when his long hands were roaming over Justin's ass and Lance closed his eyes and swallowed everything.

Justin lay back and closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them again, Lance had kicked off his own clothes and had crawled up next to Justin. Justin felt Lance's hard-on against his thigh and he didn't think about what he was doing, he just reached down and started stroking Lance's dick. Lance closed his eyes and thrust his hips against Justin's leg and Justin's hand. Quick, quicker than Justin would have thought, Lance had come, too and Justin turned a little on his side and tried to wipe his hand on the bedspread. He kissed Lance's platinum head and fell asleep tangled up and sticking to the sheets.

Justin woke up and remembered everything and thought, fuck. Fuck. Take it back, he wanted to take it all back. He wasn't, he couldn't be, he didn't want to be not normal. Justin rubbed his stomach and looked at Lance, still asleep. Naked. Justin rolled out of the bed and started rooting through his clothes. He found his swimsuit and some clean clothes and put on the swimsuit. He ran out of the room and leaned against the wall in the elevator and tried to breathe. He had been drunk. He said that over and over again. He swam and convinced himself it had just been an experiment, it was just a thing.

He stopped talking to Lance and only made monosyllabic grunts at his mother. Lance was tolerant the first day but after that he was rude to Justin and Justin found it easy to snark back. Lance started saying things to Justin, about facing up to things and acting like he really was and Justin just wanted to smack him all the time. His mom was insufferably patient.

After two weeks, Chris came into Justin's hotel room and sat on the bed. He said, "Dude, you got to stop this shit with Lance. Seriously, you're acting like an ass and we've all put up with it way longer than we should have."

Justin looked down at his schoolbook and said, "You don't understand."

Chris grabbed the book away and said, "I do, too. You two made out and you're having your little freak-out and now you need to stop." Justin glared at Chris. Chris said, "Dude, Lance didn't say anything to anyone. Except his mother, who told your mother and she told me. So no one else knows. The rest of them just think you're asshole for no reason. And the three of us think you're an asshole for a profoundly stupid reason. Stop taking your shit out on Lance. He has enough to deal with."

Justin thought, who's your best friend here. Justin said, "It wasn't anything."

Chris said, "Then act like it."

Justin started being nicer to Lance, though he never did apologize, and things blew over again. The whole thing just cemented the way they'd been splitting up anyway, with Justin spending even more time with Chris and Lance spending more time with Joey and JC. They weren't divided or anything, but they fell into cliques with JC flitting from one to the other.

Justin waited two days to call his mom and he was drunk and it was late in the evening in Los Angeles when he called Orlando. He said, "Mom, you know about me and Lance and you knew all along that it would happen. I'm not that way, I'm not the way you thought or you think, I fucking swear."

His mom cleared her throat and said, "Justin, do you know what time it is?" Then she yelled at him a little, told him off for being an ass to Lance and when he started crying she told him to call her back when he could talk rationally without cursing. Justin cried for ten minutes. He was still sniffling a little when he called her back and she said, "Justin, honey, I love you. I love you any way you are."

Justin told her it was just a one-time thing and it wouldn't happen again and he wasn't that way. She didn't press.

Chris was always fun to hang out with. He let Justin drive his car all the time when they were in Orlando, or the rental car sometimes with the bodyguards in the back-seat. They would play video games and Chris could crack up anyone with his snide remarks about the animation or voicing the characters' innermost thoughts as they were blown up. Chris would laugh so hard when Justin busted out his funny voices, sometimes he'd cry. Justin's mom rolled her eyes but Justin could tell that she loved Chris almost as much as she loved Justin. Which only made sense.

Six months after the blow up in New York, Chris came to Justin's hotel room and closed the door quietly. He sat on the bed and looked down at his hands. Justin couldn't think of anything that would prompt this kind of nervous fidgeting from Chris so he said, "Out with it, man."

Chris said, "Look, I know you usually find these things out by walking in on people but I thought I'd actually tell you before that happens for once. See, me and Lance --" and he trailed off.

Justin raised an eyebrow and smiled. "You're all kissing behind closed doors?"

Chris smirked. "We're sort of dating. And it's more than kissing, Justin. Are you okay with that?"

Justin said, "Of course. Dude, like you care about my approval. And congratulations, you know, he's good people." Lance was, even if Justin liked him least of all the guys, he still liked Lance a lot. Just not in that way. Ever again.

Chris laughed. "I don't really care if it's not okay with you, actually. But it's nice, you know. You're my guy, you know?"

"Right, right, so we're done with the sappy portion of the evening, right?" Chris laughed and they started watching a game on TV until Lance called Chris on his cell and Chris left while making obscene gestures with his hands to demonstrate everything he planned to do with Lance. Justin threw empty plastic bottles at Chris as he left and told him to stop corrupting innocent youth.

Chris and Lance were about the same in front of everyone else, except Lance was always relaxed enough to be snarky now. Chris and Lance would bitch at each other and at some point one of them would grin and the other one would grin back and they'd both disappear to the bathroom. Justin covered when he could, or JC did, but Chris and Lance were good at being discreet.

It was a little weird sometimes, mostly, Justin thought, because Chris had a boyfriend and Justin didn't have anybody. Chris would leave early when the two of them hung out after shows at the hotel so he could be with Lance, or he'd go to the back of the bus and get in Lance's bunk after they watched a movie. The brief times they were home in Orlando, Justin was never quite sure if it was okay to call Chris or to let him have time with Lance.

They were sweet together, though. Justin had never really seen Chris and JC together, but he'd see Chris and Lance together sometimes. They didn't hold hands very often, but they just looked at each other or Lance would lean into Chris and it was sweet. Justin hadn't thought boys together would be sweet, or that Chris had that in him.

Justin went with them a few times to gay bars where Justin could dance and be cover. Chris and Lance would just sit at a table and talk. Justin asked Chris what he got out of it if he didn't even dance because Lance wouldn't. Chris said, "It's nice to be with other people. My people." Justin didn't understand, but he felt weird asking. Justin just danced and he loved that.

He saw Britney again and again and he definitely thought he liked her in the right way. He called her sometimes, and she called him but he was so busy and it was hard to find time. He needed to decide, he thought, about spending time with her or not and what it all meant but time wasn't something he found a lot.

He called her when Lance was sick and they decided they needed to sue Lou and she always answered. So she was his and for real they were together even if he didn't say so to the press.

Justin had Britney, now, and Chris had Lance and that was cool. Britney was sweetness and light and all the things a girl should be. She liked sports, too, and they could talk for hours. They had a long talk when they started going out and neither of them had gone all the way, so they decided to wait. They did everything but. Britney hadn't given many blowjobs and she wasn't nearly as good as Lance, but Justin didn't think about that. He worked hard to make things good for her because he was almost positive he was in love with her.

A few days after they announced the move to Jive, Justin went with Chris and Lance to another gay club, this time in Atlanta. He danced and didn't think about any of it, not the move to Jive or what Lou and RCA would do, none of it. A cute boy with blue eyes and blond hair to his chin pulled Justin off the dance floor and Justin followed. The blond boy dragged Justin to a dark corridor and Justin could hear what everyone else was using the corridor for. The boy leaned forward and they were kissing. Only half-light but Justin kept his eyes open as they kissed, tongues and it was as hot as Lance or Britney had been. The boy was hard and grinding against Justin's crotch and Justin knew he was hard, too. Justin looked down and opened the guy's jeans, reached in and started tugging and up and down on the boy's dick. The boy groaned into Justin's ear.

So it was happening and Justin liked it and he actually was more turned on and into this than anything in a long while. Justin looked down at his hand moving over the guy's dick. Eyes open and he liked it. He was so hard it hurt and then the boy came in Justin's hand and on his pants and Justin's pants. The boy's head lolled back and Justin licked his neck. The boy said, "Sorry," as he sunk to his knees. He licked at Justin's pants and then finally tugged at the zipper and put his mouth on Justin's dick. Justin sighed and gripped the boy's head. It was good, fucking good and better than Britney had ever done for him. Almost as good as Lance. Justin hissed and bucked his hips forward and the guy just smiled, as much as he could with Justin's dick in his mouth. Justin came and the guy wiped his mouth and stood up gingerly.

"Man, can I get your, your number?" the guy said.

Justin swallowed and thought, fuck, again and again. He said, "No, I'm sorry, I gotta go."

The guy rolled his eyes and said, "At least your name?"

Justin rubbed his forehead and pulled up his pants. He untucked his shirt so it covered the spots by his crotch. Justin said, "Trace. My name's Trace, I'm sorry, I gotta go."

Justin found Chris and Lance and said, "I'm ready to go, okay?" He thought they would protest or something but Lance just looked at Chris and they both got up. Justin pretended to fall asleep in the cab ride home.

He sat with Chris on the way to somewhere a week later and Chris said, "So. My bitchy boyfriend says he saw you getting it on with some guy at that club last week. Is that anything you wanted to talk about?"

Justin said, "Not particularly, no."

Chris said, "Fine. But maybe you should, you know."

Justin looked out the window and said, "What is there, I don't have anything to say." Justin watched the city, whichever city, fly by and thought, RCA, Lou, lawsuits and record companies. He said, "I'm maybe not straight."

Chris tapped Justin on the knee. He didn't look over at Justin but he said, "That's okay, you know."

"I've got a girlfriend and I love her and nothing's gonna happen again." Justin looked back out the window.

They didn't talk about it again. The lawsuit felt like a constant explosion, every day, Lance went calm and Chris went livid. Justin tried to say something to Chris about how much they were fighting and the distance between them but Chris waved him off. It wasn't easy, Justin knew, and everything got harder because they were guys together and couldn't say anything. Chris wanted things and he didn't always say it right, especially when he'd spent the day dealing with injunctions and lawyers and rehearsals. He'd snap at Lance and Lance would go all ice-man and sometimes they didn't even leave together.

Chris and Lance broke up the week after the lawsuit was settled and Chris spent a weekend at Justin's place, just drinking and playing video games and grunting when Justin asked him anything. After three days, Chris said, "I really fucking loved him, you know? Fucker." Justin nodded and got Chris another beer. They didn't talk about that again and a month or so later, Chris started dating Dani and she was completely cool.

And the album was done and they were promoting things and Justin tried to squeeze in time with Britney whenever he could. Once the tour started, he felt like he was with Chris all the time but mostly they just hung out by both retreating to different corners to call their girlfriends. Justin didn't worry about it, he had Brit, he had so much to do. He knew he blew off Chris sometimes but it was so hard to find time to see Brit and he was just plain happy when he was with her. Chris had Dani, after all.

Sometimes Justin saw guys and got hard. He thought, again and again, I am not straight. But he wouldn't act on it, he wouldn't cheat on Brit and he didn't think about it. He mentioned it to his mother but only after he said to her five times that he didn't want to talk about it and he wasn't going to do anything about it. He meant to say more to Chris but he never found the time.

JC sat up once, and took off his headphones while they were on the bus. He looked over at Chris and Justin playing a video game and JC said, "I love this song."

Chris said, "What song?" without looking up from the screen.

JC said, "This REM song. 'At My Most Beautiful'."

Justin said, "That's a pretty love song."

JC walked over and sat behind both of them. He said, "I know it's a love song, right, but I always think of you guys when I hear it. I mean, people always talk about romance and sex and love and throwing yourself in front of a bus for other people but there are reasons to do that, to throw yourself in front of a bus other than just sex and love. There's love, like you guys. Like friends."

Chris paused the game and turned around. He smiled a little and said, "I would throw myself in front of a bus for you, C, but not Justin."

Justin laughed and said, "Thanks, fucker."

JC smiled gently. "See, the thing is, friendship, that's different from love and sex, from romantic love. We don't expect fidelity, you know, you can have a lot of friends. And you don't hear from friends sometimes, and that's okay. But it's still love. I like to find ways to make you guys smile. I like, I save your messages sometimes. Or call your voicemail to hear your voices when we're not together," and JC laughed a little. "And it's not like I want to fuck you, or be yours forever. I just, you're my friends. I like to make you smile."

Chris said, "You don't want to fuck me anymore?"

JC laughed and Justin turned back to the game. JC said, "Oh, I always want to fuck you, Chris, just not enough to put up with everything else."

Chris kept the game on pause so Justin got up and called Britney until Chris and JC were done flirting or whatever.

On the bus on the way to one of the last shows of the tour, Chris walked up to him and grabbed his phone out of his hand. Chris said, "Britney, honey, he loves you and he'll call you back." Chris closed the phone and threw it on the couch.

Justin said, "What the fuck, Chris? Hello?"

Chris said, "Yeah, hello, J? Hello," he knocked on Justin's head and retreated a few steps. "Hello?"

Lance was sitting quietly in another corner and Justin whirled on him and said, "What are you doing here? Do you know what's up with him?"

Lance said, "Imagine I have a clear bubble entirely covering me. I hear nothing. I have nothing to say. I am here only because JC insisted on riding with Joey because they had to talk about something. I am, however, not really here." Lance mimed pushing against something in front of him. "Clear bubble. Not here."

Justin turned around again and said, "Chris, I repeat, what the fuck?"

"Just you know, Justin, hello. I'm here. At some point, and I've been pretty fucking patient, I need to you remember that you have friends and not just Britney. We like you, too, and sorry we're not blowing you every chance we get or what have you."

Justin frowned. "Shut up, Chris, that's bullshit. We spend a shitload of time together. I can't believe you're whining about this."

"I'm whining?" Chris raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms.

"We talk all the time, we're on the damn bus all the time together and hello, hello! Who's on the phone to fucking Dani all the time? Why are you bitching about this?"

Chris sat down and rubbed his forehead. "Maybe because I've been trying to talk to you all week and you're on the damn phone all the time."

Justin narrowed his eyes. "Have not. And what's up?"

Chris sighed. "Have too. And I'm not telling until you apologize."

"I'm sorry for whatever you think I'm doing. And can we move on from this weird conversation where you sound like you're my girlfriend or something?" Justin leaned against the counter.

"Okay, this is not a conversation between people who are dating. This is a conversation between two friends. Friend A is neglecting all his friends and specifically his best friend because of his girlfriend. Friend B is finally calling Friend A on it, and Friend A should apologize. Not just," and Chris started talking in some high-pitched baby voice, "I'm sorry for whatever you think I'm doing." Chris went back to his own voice and sounded tired. "You are Friend A. Apologize right so I can actually talk to you and not want to smack you."

Justin sighed and said, "I, Friend A, apologize for neglecting you. Is that good enough? Tell me what's up."

Chris said, "That's a lousy apology. But fine, fine." Justin sat down next to Chris and Chris started talking about some thing with one of his sisters and some other thing with Dani and Justin nodded and made jokes until Chris smiled. He called Brit back later.

He decided, a week later, that Chris was probably right. He had maybe been talking to Brit too much. He made sure to go over to Chris's place or invite him to his a lot when the tour was over and not call Brit when Chris was over. It wasn't that hard because Chris was always easy to hang out with.

One night they got drunk and Justin started talking about how he thought he was definitely attracted to some guys and that he enjoyed making out with guys but he wasn't going to do anything about it, because he was seeing Britney.

Chris said, "Which is fine, but you know, there's a difference between not acting on things because you have a girlfriend and not acting on things because you're afraid of what it says about you. Cause there's nothing wrong with it. It's not weird at all."

Justin said, "Yeah, yeah, lecture heard eight hundred times, man." Justin thought he'd never gotten past third base or what have you with guys. He said so to Chris and Chris murmured and played with his beer. Justin said, "What?" He was definitely drunk. Chris and Justin, drunk again and all was well in the world even if parts did kind of suck.

Justin leaned forward and Chris leaned forward and they were kissing. Oddly enough, Justin thought. And nothing. They stopped and Chris said, "Huh."

Justin said, "Yeah." He bit his lip. "Let's try that again." So they did and again. Nothing. Justin said, "Huh."

Chris said, "It's probably for the best."

Justin nodded. "Yeah, sorry."

Chris said, "What can I say? We have no chemistry."

"We have a lot of chemistry." Justin smiled.

"Not that way." Chris banged his beer bottle against Justin's and said, "To friends, right?"

Justin laughed and said, "Right."

When Dani and Chris broke up, they had another weekend of Chris drinking and grunting except they didn't have that much time, and it was only one day. When the tour started, Chris would sit up late on the bus and talk about it. Endlessly, Justin thought. Chris said he was old and maudlin and inevitably he'd start talking about not just Dani but Lance.

"I've loved and lost, J." Chris said.

Justin nodded and said, "But you loved and that matters, too."

Chris said, "Shut up." He drank a little more. Justin got it, Chris wanted to vent and that was the way things worked sometimes. Chris vented and Justin stayed up and listened. He thought Chris was just wallowing, that he was indulging in a lot of self-pity, but he didn't think then was exactly the right time to say so.

One night JC stayed up with them and listened to Chris for a little while. He finally said, "You know why you're so bitter and you do this every night?"

Chris raised an eyebrow and said, "Yes, Dr. Chasez?"

JC smiled. "You're over them. You're just bitching because it's easy, because you're not used to that."

Chris looked at Justin and said, "You agree with that?"

Justin smiled. "Of course I do. I was just waiting for you to figure it out." Justin understood it wasn't often his role to point the big things out to Chris, even though it was almost always Chris's role to point those same big things out to Justin. But that was the way things worked.

Chris finished his beer and looked at JC. He said, "Fine. Point taken." Then he looked at JC and stared at JC's face and hair and watched JC walk back to his bunk.

So, Justin's bus was now the Bus of Sexual Tension and, Justin guessed, Sexually Confused Fifth Wheel. Talking about JC and how Chris had started looking at JC became one of those big things Justin didn't bring up to Chris. At least JC was looking back so there was a hope that things would resolve themselves.

Chris was still on the edge about JC without acknowledging it and when Justin tried to bring up something about this cute guy that interviewed them, Chris blew up at him. Chris said, "Justin, I am not your gay guide to the world. If you want some anthropological view on how to deal with your glacier-like crawl out of the closet, please bug the fuck out of JC or Lance, okay?"

Justin just said, "Fine, fuck you, too," and didn't bring it up again. It hurt a lot, though, and Justin composed a lot of nasty speeches he meant to give to Chris about how best friend A didn't just cut off whole areas of discussion when best friend B was trying to figure things out but he never said any of them to Chris.

Justin thought, even if he couldn't quite tell Chris this right then, he maybe wasn't as in love with Britney as he used to think. One night after the show, everyone went out drinking together but Justin got tired of watching Chris and JC not look at each other and Lance and Joey's endless run of in-jokes from the movie set. He slipped out and went to a quieter bar three blocks away.

He got a drink, because he could always get a drink, and sat in the back. Cute guy, he thought. Cute guy with blond hair flopping in his eyes as he leaned over the bar. Justin thought, fuck it. He walked up and sat next to the guy and started to say hello when he realized. "Hey, Nick." Which was just funny, and they barely knew each other, really, and here they both were drowning their sorrows.

Nick turned to him with a watery attempt at a smile. Justin smiled but not the bright superstar one. Justin said, "I saw you on TRL, man, I'm really sorry. About AJ, you know."

Nick sighed and looked back down. He said, "Yeah. It sucks a lot."

Justin bit the inside of his lip. He said, "Yeah, it does, I bet. I'd buy you a drink but that seems kind of tacky."

Nick laughed. "Yeah, but I'm still here drinking, anyway." They started talking and didn't order more drinks. Nick kept smiling at Justin in a way that made Justin smile back. He'd never really looked at Nick that much before if he really thought about it.

Nick said one thing and then another and Justin looked up and said, "You and AJ, y'all were, uh?"

Nick's face fell and he looked back at the bar. "Not for a while. I mean, things got really bad. But, you know, once upon a time."

Justin nodded and tried to think of something to say. He ended up with "Lance and Chris used to go out, you know, and they, uh, broke up right after lawsuit. So, I understand."

Nick looked back at Justin. "Huh. I mean, Lance, so not surprised. But I never thought Chris."

"You never know," Justin said. Nick put his hand over Justin's and looked him in the eye with a question. Justin put his other hand over Nick's all in a pile and said, "You wanna, uh, go outside?"

Nick did and they kissed for the first time in the back of Nick's limo. Nick had a firm grip on Justin's thighs and Justin leaned back against the seat. They decided to go with Justin's hotel. When they got inside the room, they were on kiss six or seven and Nick was already feeling Justin's crotch through his jeans.

Nick had him pinned to bed in a good way and was slowly taking off Justin's shirt when he muttered, "Chris a surprise, but you not so much." Justin sighed and thought, obvious to everyone but me. Then Nick's mouth was on Justin's chest and Justin arched up and opened his eyes.

Shirt off, Nick's legs forcing Justin's legs apart and his mouth just everywhere while one of his hands tugged off Justin's pants in a torturous manner and Justin thought sex was never better than this. Finally, finally pants and underwear off and Justin hadn't attempted any teasing slowness while getting Nick naked and they were grinding against each other and kissing fiercely. Fiercely was the right word, Justin was sure of that. Nick broke off the kiss and raised himself up like a push-up. His dick was still rubbing against Justin's thigh and Justin couldn't exactly form words so he hoped Nick didn't want to talk.

Nick said, "We should be videotaping this shit, man, I bet it looks hot."

Justin nodded. "But we really shouldn't."

Nick smirked. "Oh, I know. But. I think you should fuck me," Nick said in a matter of fact manner.

Justin nodded again and wiped the corner of his mouth before saying, "Okay. But I don't have, I also haven't, you know."

Nick looked surprised and Justin closed his eyes because it was all getting a little embarrassing. "Okay, well, I do have things and it's not that hard. Trust me." Justin did and it wasn't that hard. Justin vowed never to call Nick fat again or make jokes about his lack of flexibility as Nick laid back on the bedspread with his legs pressed against Justin's chest and took every thrust Justin made. Nick moaned and pulled at his dick and it was so fucking amazing. Justin's last thought before he came was "don't freak out this time," and then it was a blackout of an orgasm and after he threw out the condom, Justin fell asleep against Nick's side.

Justin woke up at 3:30 a.m. and thought, fuck and then don't freak out. He pushed at Nick a little and said, "Nick, wake up."

Nick rubbed his eyes and said, "What?"

"You, it's still early, if you wanted to get back without anyone noticing you should leave now. Because I bet there might be trouble. If you want to go." Justin bit his lip and thought, this is not freaking out.

Nick said, "You're right, right, thanks." Nick got up and got dressed and looked at Justin for a long minute. He said, "I'd like, it'd be nice to see you again. You know?"

Justin smiled. "Well, it would be, but, you know, just to talk. Because I kinda have this thing," Justin paused. "Maybe I don't have a thing but I think you're in love with someone else, man, so, if you call for more than talking, you know, I don't know."

Nick laughed. "Okay, good point. But thanks, you know, for this." Justin pulled on a pair of sweatpants and walked with Nick to the door.

Justin grabbed some paper and wrote down his cell phone number and gave it to Nick. Then he went back and sat on his bed. Okay, he thought, did not freak out. He really felt like freaking out though. Chris had yelled at him two months ago and Justin was still hurt so Justin looked at the adjoining door. Hardly his first choice but he knocked once and went in. At least whatever random event had given them adjoining rooms had stuck him with Lance and not Joey.

Lance was asleep and alone, which Justin thanked God for. He lay on the bed on top of the bedspread next to Lance and poked him. "Lance," he said quietly. "Lance, I know it's really early and stuff, but I'd really appreciate it if you woke up now."

Lance didn't open his eyes but he said, "Fuck off now, Justin."

"Since you're up now, could we talk?" Justin bit his lip.

"No. I'm not up, I'm sleeptalking. Fuck off." Lance spoke much more clearly this time.

"I can tell you're up. I had this thing and I wanted to talk to someone."

"I hate you so much." Lance opened his eyes. "What?" Lance sniffed a little and said, "You got laid tonight. And you're here, so I guess it was some guy. Did you freak out on him and kick him out already or is he passed out in your room?"

Justin looked down at Lance's hand peeking out of the bedspread. He said, "I didn't freak out, he had to leave. He would'a, he wasn't supposed to be out right now and he was glad I woke him up. I didn't kick him out and I didn't freak out."

"Then. You waited until you got in my bed. He wasn't supposed to be out?" Lance licked his lips. "Is he famous? Cause, seriously, I'm gonna stop talking to you if you fucked someone from O-Town. I hate you, Justin, but I'll really hate you if you slept with someone from O-Town."

Justin said, "He's not in O-Town, Lance."

Lance smiled. "Unless it was Ashley Angel. Hell, he's your type. Though, again, I object on principle. I mean, I would let Ashley Angel blow me. I would push him down and fuck his sweet mouth."

"That's gross."

Lance rolled his eyes. "Oh, sorry. After asking his consent and making sure he was okay with it, I would push Ashley Angel down on his knees and fuck his sweet mouth. But that's pretty much all that's okay when it comes to sex with O-Town."

Justin said, "Can we talk about something else besides your sick fantasies?"

Lance sighed. "Justin, it's 4 a.m. and you woke me up. I think I get to talk all I want about my not very sick at all fantasies." Lance sighed again. "Okay, so you had sex with some guy. Can't you whine to Chris about this?"

"He told me to stop."

"Of course, he did. Anyone would." Lance closed his eyes. "Get over it. You're not straight. You like guys. You have sex with them. You had sex with me, sex with some guy in a club and now tonight, some other guy. You -- you know, it's almost offensive. People come out in the most awful circumstances, small towns, evil parents and you're surrounded by people who love you and don't care and you're still a big baby about it."

Justin sniffled. "We didn't have sex."

"Uh, what would you call it?" Lance opened his eyes again and raised an eyebrow.

"Making out. Or something. We didn't, you know, fuck."

"Man. Spare me. We had sex, President Clinton. Just because you weren't shoving your dick in something below the waist or whatever. Lord, it's too early to have this argument." Lance shook his head a little and shifted under the covers. "Are you freaking out still?"

Justin sniffled again. He was, a little. He wished Chris hadn't yelled at him because Chris was much better at this.

Lance said, "You're not getting up. So, either I've said the magic words and you feel better and you're planning to rip off these covers and go down on me as a reward or you still feel weird and expect me to say something wise. Or you're too tired to move from my bed."

Justin said, "The second and the third one really."

Lance said, "I was hoping it was the first one."

"I haven't ever, so it would probably be not that extraordinary." Justin sighed and thought he'd never get good at anything at this rate.

Lance grinned and said, "Rain check, then. Seriously, J, get over it, move on. It's a lot easier to be who you actually are than whoever it is you think you need to be or whatever you think normal is." Justin sighed and closed his eyes.

Lance said, "If you're gonna sleep here, at least get under the covers." He lifted the bedspread a little and Justin scrambled into the bed. Lance pulled him close for a second, a weird kind of hug with one arm and minimal movement from Lance but it still felt nice. Chris wouldn't've been quite so blunt, but he understood what Lance was saying. Justin fell asleep right after that.

Lance woke him up in the morning, already out of bed and showered and wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Lance said, "Gonna tell me who your secret boyfriend was?"

Justin shook his head. "He's not my boyfriend. He's in love with someone else."

Lance sighed. "Fine." Lance opened the door between their two rooms and leaned against it after Justin walked to his room. "Hey, Justin, you missed quite a show when you lit out last night. Of course, you had secret famous boy, but seriously."

Justin said, "What happened?"

Lance just grinned and said, "You'll see."

Two minutes after he got on the bus, Justin figured it out. The Bus of Sexual Tension and Sexually Confused Fifth Wheel had become the Bus of the Happily Reunited Couple and the Less Confused Fifth Wheel. Justin really didn't see much of Chris for a week because Chris and JC were pretty inseparable when they were on the bus or offstage. It was okay, really, because Justin didn't begrudge Chris his happiness. And Chris was really happy. He was so quiet about it, Justin could tell Chris was ecstatic.

The next week he was sitting on a couch by the window when Chris threw a banana at him. Justin caught it and said, "What's up, Chris?"

Chris sat down next to Justin and said, "I've been a little out of it the last week, so, you know, just checking in."

"You weren't so much out of it as into something else. S'okay. You're all in love and happy and shit." Justin grinned.

Chris snorted and looked sideways at Justin. "Don't ruin my rep, J." Chris laughed and said, "But my bitchy ex says you bagged some unidentified famous guy last week. The night me and C talked." Justin laughed because he knew it had been more than talking.

Justin rolled his eyes. "You can always trust Lance, right?"

"I trust Lance on certain things." Chris tapped Justin's knee. "Can I try to guess or are you gonna be a gentleman here?"

"I'm not gonna tell you." Justin crossed his arms and looked out the window.

Chris whistled a tune and then said, "I think Nick Carter is kinda hot lately, don't you?" Justin blushed and Chris practically cackled. "Man, Nicky? You and Nicky? Shit. Is he really hung like everyone says?"

Justin shrugged. He said, "Are we talking about this? Cause you didn't want to talk to me about these things, you said."

Chris sighed. "I said I wouldn't be your guide. You get that when you ask questions like gay things are all weird and abnormal it's kind of insulting to me and C and Lance? And yourself?" Chris paused and then said, "But I probably yelled more than I should have. So, yeah, we're talking about this now. Is he hung or not?"

Justin said, "I think so. I mean, not much to compare to. And it was dark."

"I'd kill for that videotape, man, the two of you were probably some four star porn."

Justin laughed. "That's what he said." Justin looked down at his hands. "He said he wasn't surprised that I was, you know, willing."

"Yes, Justin, many people think you're secretly gay." Chris laughed and stood up. He said, "You remember when we were at the second audition and there was the kid with the red shorts and the spiky hair?" Justin nodded. Chris said, "And remember that waiter at that place we went to all the time by your mom's, the one with the two earrings?"

Justin said, "Yeah."

Chris said, "Remember that guy from the club in Germany with the tight pants and the blue streaks in his hair?"

Justin nodded and said, "Yeah," and then, "Oh."

Chris grinned. "You've been checking out guys since I met you. And also, if you haven't figured it out yet, you have a type."

Justin shrugged. "Blonds."

"Yup." Chris sat back down, his leg bouncing up and down. "It's not so bad."

"I have a girlfriend. And a week ago, I had sex with Nick. That's pretty bad." Justin rubbed his forehead.

Chris rubbed Justin's thigh and said, "You'll figure it out. Either you're going out with her in some massive exercise in denial, or you're not. You've got time."

Justin smiled. "I'm glad you're not whatever with me anymore because talking about this shit with Lance seriously sucked. He tried and all, but he started talking about Ashley Angel's sweet mouth and I was all grossed out."

Chris raised an eyebrow and made a mocking face. "Dude, I'd fuck Ashley Angel's sweet mouth. If I did not have a really fucking hot boyfriend, I'd be there." Chris leaned back against the seat and said, "Lance ain't so bad."

"No, he's not. He was nice, really, it's just, you know. You suck, but I like you." Justin kicked at one of Chris's feet.

"Not as much as you like Nick Carter."

"Nick Carter is hung like a horse, you old fart. Of course I like him more than you." Justin laughed and Chris laughed and it was a pretty nice afternoon after all.

Chris said, "Friends, though, right? Even though you suck badly."

They bumped fists and Justin said, "You know it. Cause you suck more. But, yeah, friends forever."

Chris said, "Forevah and evah..." and they both sang Miss Jackson until JC came out and made them be quiet so he could nap.

THE END.

No we don't make passionate love
No we don't even kiss and hug
Not a lot of jealousy
I'm friend with you I hope you're friends with me
You're my ally.
-Victoria Williams.

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