NOTES: For Younger's Ryan Adams challenge. Institial quotes are from the Ryan Adams song "To Be The One." Justin sings Bob Dylan's Idiot Wind. And then later, Laura Nyro's Wedding Bell Blues. The usual much, much thanks to Younger, Kel, and also Katie for amazing quick turnaround and wonderfulness.

CINDERELLA AND ALL HER CHARMS

I. But oh Cinderella
All dressed up in all your boots and all your charms
I'm not the fellow
To protect you or to keep you from all your harm

Chris and Justin break up on a Tuesday night. Lance calls JC from his car, after he talked to Johnny and found out Justin had already told him. JC says Chris called him and then, "Fuck, this sounds final."

"Well," Lance says. It's not like things haven't been unsettling the last six months. Justin and Chris have been together almost five years and it's just the last six months when their arguments made Lance's stomach turn and tense. And now it's happened and he's not unsettled anymore, it's like a specific pain all over his body, spread out. Lance says, "They've been bad lately, and Justin said, he said, uh, it was over and stuff. Which, you know, fuck."

Justin called him and said, "I just wanted to let you know. I wanted to tell you Chris and I broke up. Tonight. So, it's all over and I thought you should know." And then Lance said he was sorry and asked if Justin was alright and then Justin said he was mostly okay and hung up.

JC says, "I'm on my way to Chris's place. Because he called. He called Joey, too, and I called Joey and he's going there, too."

Lance says, "Yeah, Justin was the one to tell me." Like they had a plan, the three of them, of what to do when everything falls apart. A contingency plan. Don't take sides, go where they want you. An agreement by osmosis. Never discussed, but somehow agreed upon.

Lance says his goodbyes to JC. He thinks everything hasn't fallen apart, bites his lip as he thinks "yet" and parks his car in Justin's driveway. Lights on somewhere inside and he knows that if you stand on the side of Justin's house you can see Chris's house, they live that close and the gated community has that few houses.

Trace opens the door and says, "He wants to be alone."

Lance says, "He called me."

Trace moves aside and follows Lance as Lance walks in. "He called to tell you." Lance stops in the middle of the living room and doesn't see Justin anywhere. Trace sighs and walks to the kitchen and Lance follows him. Trace grabs a beer and throws it to Lance. "He's in the back but, you know, he's just being all quiet. He said he wants to be alone."

Lance isn't going to say "he called me" again. Trace is Trace, he's not one of them and Lance just walks to the back of house. The patio light is on but Justin's sitting farther out, by the pool. As Lance walks out he can hear the music, and he thinks, right, Justin's super high tech expensive wired stereo system and he's turned on the music so he can hear it outside. There are even speakers inside the pool, like at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas.

He's playing Mary J Blige, Share My World, Lance thinks, and Not Gonna Cry is coming over the speakers. Lance winces. He sits down next to Justin, in the chair next to Justin's and doesn't say anything.

Justin says, "You didn't have to come."

"Well, you called." Lance takes a sip of his beer and says, "How are you? Really?"

Justin shrugs. An entire song plays and Justin finally says, "It wasn't. It wasn't someone else. We didn't, you know. Things have been bad and we sat down to talk down about it. We couldn't, you know. We couldn't think of anything to make it better and we just. We're all talked out on this shit and we just decided. To end it, because." Justin sighs. He sounds mostly tired. "Anyway, it's not like we hate each other or something. We just broke up."

Lance reaches over and squeezes Justin's hand. Justin sighs again, but it sounds more ragged, just on the edge of crying. So Lance stands up and says, "Let me get you another beer."

Justin doesn't look up. He says, "Say hi to JC and Joey for me."

Lance opens his phone before he even gets into the house as Justin clearly knows he's about to. "Hey," he says when JC answers. "How's things?"

"Vodka, card games over here." Lance can hear Chris talking loudly in the background, music behind him.

"Beer, staring at the pool." Lance is back in the kitchen and he grabs another beer for Justin.

JC says, "Chris is being loud. Very loud. He said when we first got here that things just petered out, it's all okay and now he won't talk about it. Also, he's playing the Cure. Over and over again."

"Mary J Blige over here. Funny how the age difference shows up, huh?" JC doesn't laugh and Lance says, "He said to tell you and Joey hi."

"Give him our love." JC hangs up and Lance sits back down next to Justin.

Justin takes the beer and says, "Thanks."

He doesn't say anything else for a long time.

The first meeting is a disaster. They're right at the beginning of being insanely busy. The album's ninety-nine percent done. They need to plan, for the tour, the first video, the PR around the release date. All of it. Some things are in place already, like, they know they're doing a tour. They know when it's going to start.

And they hadn't seen each other since that night, so. Trace and Joey came to Chris's house to get the stuff Justin left. They dropped off two boxes of things Chris had left at Justin's house. Chris had been more thorough, or something, when he and Lance assembled Justin's stuff. Lance had walked around the house and Chris had pointed, said, "That and that. Put it in a box and send it back to him. And that and that." Chris's house looked empty when they were done, big holes everywhere.

The meeting fell apart fifteen minutes in. Justin hadn't said anything, Chris had only said "yo," quietly to everyone. JC and Joey talked a lot to cover, but it wasn't working. Then Chris looked up and said, "Fuck it. Fuck this." He stood up and ran his hands through his hair.

Justin threw his knit cap on the floor and said, "Fuck you, I don't want to be here either." He stormed out.

Chris said, "Fucking baby," and walked out.

Johnny clenched his hands on his lap and said, "Okay, we'll try this again in three days."

So it was a disaster and Lance drives to Justin's house because he was at Chris's two days earlier. And Justin's two days before that. No taking sides.

If it he were deciding based on the number of times he'd had sex with either of them, then Justin would win easily. He's only had sex with Chris once and it had pretty much sucked. Because Lance had been seventeen and Chris had been twenty-four and Lance hadn't ever done some of those things and he'd freaked out halfway through and again when they were done. It wasn't Chris's fault at all. Except for immediately saying, "Jesus fuck, kid, you coulda told me you were a fucking virgin," he'd been really nice. He'd sat with Lance and talked to him and really been all around nice.

It hadn't been traumatic or anything thanks to Chris. They've never done it again since and Lance thinks that's another reason why it wasn't traumatic. If they did it again, he'd have to remember it all in contrast and he'd be embarrassed and worse. So.

Lance has had sex with Justin a lot. Before and during when Justin was with Chris. It always worked better, they both started with next to no experience. Lance doesn't pretend to understand what Chris and Justin called fidelity. He said something every time, he was pretty straightforward about it. He said to Justin, every time, "Is Chris gonna kick my ass if he finds out? Is this something we're supposed to be hiding?"

And every time, Justin said, "Don't worry about, it's not a thing. He won't kick your ass, no hiding." The last time was two months ago, a lazy summer afternoon that started out by the pool. So if he had to decide on the basis of sex, it'd be Justin. But no taking sides.

Justin lets him in. The boxes from Chris, all ten of them, are still in the middle of the living room. Lance walks over to them and taps on the top one. "Why don't we, uh, let's get these unpacked, maybe?"

Justin nods and walks over with a table knife and starts ripping at the top of the boxes. Lance remembers Chris putting on layer and layer of tape, even while Lance said, "They're going less than a block in a car, man, we're not shipping them to Thailand."

Justin looks at a box of paperback books. He says, "Only half of these are mine. What the fuck?" He says it without inflection. He just grabs a handful and walks to the back room where the bookcases are. Lance looks at another box, nothing but clothes. He can't tell if they're clean or dirty so he just carries the entire box down to the basement.

Justin has two washing machines, and two dryers. It's kind of weird. Lance is tapping on the machine, staring at the red light and listening the machine churn when Justin comes down. Justin says, "There's more shit to be washed." He opens the other machine, dumps in detergent, shoves in what looks like sheets and maybe some jeans.

Lance says, "Why do you have two washing machines?"

Justin snorts. "It's stupid. I mean, it helps sometimes, but mostly. So," and he points, "the older ones kinda came with the house. And then I got that decorator. And he wanted those other ones, like, in the kitchen or some shit. And I said no, and he stuck 'em down here."

"So he could still charge you for them?"

Justin shrugs. "I don't mind having two. I mean, these are pretty, I guess. He was an okay decorator, even if." And Justin stops and gets that look on his face. Chris thought the decorator sucked, Lance remembers that. And he wonders if there's anything they can talk about that won't lead back to Chris.

Three hours later they have all the boxes unpacked and everything put away. Lance breaks down the boxes. Justin says, "Dude, just put that shit in the garage. The maids'll take care of it."

Lance carries the boxes out to the garage and then stands on the front lawn. He watches the sun set. Justin comes out and stands behind him, Lance can hear him breathing.

"When, uh, when is the meeting rescheduled for?"

"Friday." Lance doesn't turn around. "You want get dinner? We can go out or order something."

Justin says okay so they go back in.

If Lance was choosing sides based on friendship, Chris would win easily. He's always been better friends with Chris. He goes to Chris with his problems because Chris is smart. They used to be partners in crime before Justin and Chris started up and even now, they still team up for pranks sometimes.

He isn't sure what kind of friendship he has with Justin. The kind where they've slept together frequently but don't always have much to say to each other once they exhaust sports and the job. He'd never go to Justin with his problems.

So Chris would win if he chose sides based on friendship. But he doesn't, he won't pick a side. None of them will.

The second meeting goes better. Chris and Justin sit on opposite couches and don't look at each other very much. They talk about songs for the show. Justin points at the preliminary list Johnny drew up and points at the second one. "I won't do that one. I don't want to."

Johnny frowns. "It's the second single."

"Girlfriend was the third single and we didn't do it for PopOdyssey." Justin stares at Johnny.

Johnny stares back and finally says, "Okay. I don't think that's a good idea, but."

Another song about Chris, Lance thinks. But they manage to make up a setlist. They debate the amount of the choreography, pyro and the like. Joey says, "This isn't the tour where we don't dance, guys." Even Chris nods.

Chris says, "No Wade. At all." Now that Wade has slunk back into the choreography business and Lance wonders why Chris is against Wade now. Or why he's willing to put his foot down about it now.

Justin opens his mouth and closes it again. He inhales slowly, like he's counting out three beats and doesn't say anything.

They weather that. Lance thinks about each point, each thing to be decided as an obstacle to be overcome. He remembers when meetings were fun. He remembers when they'd sit there for two or three hours and Justin would be in Chris's lap the whole time.

Chris says, "We should all have our own buses. Five buses. We're too old to share."

JC blinks and looks at his hands. Lance says, "I like. I like sharing. I don't want my own bus."

JC says, "Me, too. I want to share."

Chris waves his hand. He says, "Fine, four buses. Let JC and Lance have one to share." He sneers the last word.

"I want to share, too," Justin says quietly.

Chris snorts. "Three buses."

Joey puts his hands up, palms out. He has Brianna and his new boyfriend. Lance should stop calling Eric the new boyfriend, it's been six months. But Joey has the best case for wanting his own bus. Three buses it is, another decision no one particularly likes but the meeting feels like a high wire act and no one wants to push it off-balance.

Plans for interviews and promo and things to say. Chris stands up abruptly as they're winding down and says, "We're done now."

He walks out without waiting for an answer. Justin stands up and looks around. He says, "Which one of y'all is following him and which one is following me out? Because I'm ready to go."

It's not like they decide in advance so Joey just stands up and says, "Hey, come back with me and see Brianna?"

Justin shrugs and follows Joey out.

Lance drives to Chris's house. Chris is standing on the lawn, the part that doesn't face Justin's house. "Hey," Lance says.

"You draw the short straw?" Chris doesn't look from whatever spot on the horizon he's staring at.

"I want to be here," Lance says and means it.

Chris goes inside, Lance follows, and Chris gets completely trashed. He starts rambling and none of it makes a lick of sense to Lance. He wonders, briefly, while he sips his second glass of whisky, if Chris knows how many times Lance slept with his ex-boyfriend. Justin always said it was nothing to hide but they never advertised it. Maybe Chris didn't know.

Chris says, "The thing was, you know, everything went to shit when Brit dumped him. Went to shit. Or maybe earlier."

Lance nods. He thinks about how much of their language now is nods and shrugs. Chris rambles again and Lance only half pays attention. He's barely needed here.

"I think, really, I shouldn't've. I thought, you know, worship in many churches but only one cathedral. It's like, with Brit, not that that was so often and you know, the other things, let it happen because he comes back. Because I was off in some other churches occasionally, too, and I knew it was nothing. They felt okay, but maybe things weren't okay. When things got all serious, we weren't okay at all." Chris is talking to his bottle and Lance very carefully doesn't look up. So, yeah, Chris knew. Knows.

Chris stops drinking before he passes out which is nice. And makes it much easier to get him tucked him in bed. Chris says, "Fuck you," before he falls asleep and Lance just nods.

Now it's more focused meetings, first off is the one about the video. Chris says quickly, "No more Wayne. Something quieter, please."

It's a fast song. Lance starts pulling out treatments, staring at them, trying to think about videos and not what Chris means. Justin likes Wayne, so Chris is trying to piss him off? Is Chris being pissy? Is Chris just not catering to Justin anymore?

Justin just keeps his head down and doesn't say anything again. JC finally says, "Justin, who do you want? Say something, please."

Justin shrugs. He says, "I dunno. Who do you like?"

JC closes his eyes and breathes deeply. He's pissed, Lance thinks, and Lance is surprised.

It's not the best meeting ever but no one storms out. Another decision by osmosis means Justin and Chris leave separately and alone. Lance goes to his own home for once.

If he was choosing sides, and he's not, ever, by right and wrong, he doesn't know that he could choose a side. He knows Justin wasn't strictly faithful but Chris seemed to be saying that he didn't mind. It's not like Justin and Brit were really together and they actually seemed to have only had sex very very occasionally. Lance doesn't know anything for sure, though. But he knows they were in love, he knows Chris and he knows Justin and he saw them together. They were in love. So there's no way to choose right and wrong, bad guy or victim. And Lance isn't choosing sides.

Justin takes Lance to Greg's show and Justin's drunk. Not buzzed and maintaining, but all the way drunk. When Justin's really drunk, he's like a big kitten, all cuddly and sweet. And easy. He'll sleep with anyone, which is why they all try to make sure Justin doesn't get drunk and if he is, they palm him off on Chris. Or they used to.

Lance has never ever had sex with Justin when he was drunk, because it's taking advantage. Wrong. So Lance sits across from Justin at the club and tries to keep Justin in his chair, just so Justin doesn't end up going home with some polite waiter.

So he's not ready when Justin gets up and makes his way onstage. Greg smiles and Justin hugs him and then Justin is strapping on a guitar. Stepping up to the mic. Lance stands up and it's too late, of course, but he keeps thinking how this is not at all how Justin acts when he's drunk. Not at all, you know how he is, he pictures himself saying to Johnny.

It gets worse because Justin says, "This is a dedication," and then he starts singing. Lance doesn't recognize the song at all, but the band and Greg do, and the one thing Lance knows for sure is that the song is bitter. A bitter, I-hate-you-I-used-to-love-you song. It's also long. Five minutes at least of a very drunk, still spellbinding performing Justin singing lines like 'it was gravity that pulled us down/and destiny which broke us apart' and repeating over and over again 'you're an idiot, babe, it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.'

Lance is pretty sure this is going to make the papers and he's positive Chris is going to hear about it. And in between trying to decide how to spin this display and how to defend himself when Johnny tries to rearrange his insides, Lance thinks he didn't know Justin was so bitter. Sad, yes, he saw that, but none of the anger he sees now.

Lance practically rushes the stage as soon as the song is over. He pulls on Justin as Justin tries to hug everyone in the band and walks him firmly off the stage and out the door. Justin, again being very un-Justin-drunk-like, is pissy and quiet in the car. Lance says, "We're going home."

Justin says, "I wasn't. Fuck you."

Lance doesn't say anything more and just drives to Justin's house. He has to help Justin out of the car, but it's not Justin draped all over him and sweet, it's Justin fighting him and unable to walk on his own. Still, Lance wrestles him into bed and even gets his shoes off without too much violence.

Justin says, "The song was for you, you know."

Lance winces and doesn't say anything. He's pretty sure Justin is lying. He goes downstairs and gets himself a glass of water and calls Johnny. Tells the whole sad story. After Johnny finishes yelling at Lance, Lance goes back upstairs. Justin's shucked off all his clothes, and torn his shirt in the process, and he's on his side with the covers pulled tight around him. Lance sits down next to Justin and kisses his forehead.

Justin stirs and says, "I didn't mean it earlier. I sang the song for Chris."

Lance says, "I know. Go to sleep."

Justin stretches up and hugs Lance. Now he's a kitten. "Stay with me, stay with me. We can make out."

Lance says no and gently pushes Justin back on the bed. He waits for Justin to fall asleep or pass out and then he drives himself home.

He can't choose sides. If he chose on love, if he used that, he'd have to admit he's been half in love with Justin since Justin was fifteen. So he won't ever choose sides and he won't sleep with Justin when he's drunk and somehow, somehow everything really is going to be okay even though Justin and Chris broke up five weeks ago after being together for five years.

II. And the empty bottle it misses you
Yeah and I'm the one that it's talking to
And with you and I just barely strangers
I'm pretty much just left the fool

Rehearsals are the worst ever. Even worse than when Lance was just starting out and he thought every mistake spelled his ticket home. Justin's timing is off and Chris keeps taking breaks. He's maybe started smoking. They're sucking and everyone's tense and the album comes out in five weeks. The tour starts in seven weeks. This is the time they have for rehearsals before the promo kicks in, rehearsals now and then again the week before the shows start.

Chris leaves even before they have the routine nailed because they never will have it nailed. Justin leaves with his eyes on the floor and his shoulders slumped. JC throws his water bottle against the mirror and screams "Fuck!"

Joey steps back and says, "Whoa."

Lance says, "JC, it'll get better."

JC turns around and frowns. "It won't. It hasn't so far. I get it, I do. I fucking feel for them but goddamn it. This is my life, too."

Joey says, "I know." He just looks at his feet.

The next day they're halfway through another fruitless rehearsal when Johnny comes in. He just puts up his hand and asks the new choreographer and the assistants to leave. The poor confused choreographer who has no idea why Justin and Chris suck so much. Chris crosses his arms and says, "What's up?"

Johnny rubs his eyes and then looks at Justin and then Chris. He says, "I need you two to decide. I need you to decide if you want to do this or not."

Justin sits down and hugs his knees. He says, "I know I'm not at my best, but I don't think --"

JC says quickly, "Johnny's right, man. I don't want to do this if you're both." He pauses. "I don't want to go out and give performances that suck. I'd rather you just decide we can't do this anymore."

Chris says, "Not do this anymore? You're saying we should break up, break up the band because of me and Justin?"

Johnny says, "Not break up. You two think it over, and if we can't do this, if you can't? We just release the album. No promo, or just JC, Lance and Joey. Go on hiatus. Maybe a year or two, whatever. But we don't go out and promote it like this. You guys give me the word, and we do it that way. Or you show up tomorrow and you work. None of this shit. We do it right, we do it like we always have and actually give 110%, as stupid and clichéd as that sounds, or we don't."

Chris looks down and Justin looks even smaller somehow. Johnny says, "Am I clear? Let's call it a day and we'll talk tomorrow. You talk to us."

It's a miserable night. Lance tries to do something, work on his things, watch TV and he just ends up staring at the wall. He's afraid to call anyone.

He gets to the compound early and he's put on track pants and a t-shirt. His best sneakers. He's ready for rehearsal. He doesn't think this will be the end. Clothes as a promise and prayer, he thinks.

Justin's already there, almost like he'd never left, sitting on the floor, hugging his knees, head down. Lance decides it's a good sign Justin is early, and a good sign that Justin is also in track pants and a t-shirt. Even a bandanna today which must be a good sign. Nothing's over. Nothing.

Except Chris hasn't arrived yet and if Chris says no, then it's over. The five of them or nothing. Lance bites his lip and shakes his head. He says, "Hey, Justin."

Justin looks up and says, "Hey." He puts his head down again.

So, Lance thinks, when you've known someone for eight years, you should be able to tell. How they feel. Lance rubs his eyes and sits down next to Justin. "You're here early."

Justin says, "I'm, uh, trying to meditate. So, sorry, I just. Don't want to talk yet."

Lance says "Okay" and then covers his mouth. Probably shouldn't talk when someone's meditating. Probably not. Lance resists the urge to grab Justin and shake him and find out the answer right now.

So they wait. Joey comes in and JC. Lance is sensing a trend, everyone in rehearsal clothes. Johnny comes in a few minutes early. And then they wait some more. Joey's the first to break the silence when he says, "Chris is, like, ten minutes late. Which is not like him. Is this his way of giving us his answer, because, sorry, but that fucking sucks."

Justin looks up and sits back. "He'll be here. He's not, he's just late."

JC says, "You sure?" And that Lance can read, it's annoyance and compassion and hope. At least JC still makes sense.

Justin doesn't answer and they wait some more. Thirty minutes after when they were supposed to start, Chris comes running in. Track pants, Lance thinks and stands up.

Chris is already talking. He says, "Okay, okay, on the very worst day for it, of course, of course, my stupid car won't start. And the damn bike is in the shop. And the other car, of course, my sister borrowed, did I mention my sister is in town? So, I can't fuck around with the car, and I'm sitting there thinking, you know, if only I were like J and had like, seven cars. Because then at least one of them would be running. So I try calling everyone, but, nope, everyone's already left. So. I got a ride from fucking Trace, who actually was home and answering your phone, Justin, by the way, but anyway, he took his sweet time coming over to get me, and I should've just walked over, frankly."

Chris stops to take a breath and throws his bag on the floor. "So. Yeah, sorry I'm late, not trying to build suspense, nothing like that --"

Johnny says, "Chris."

Chris smiles. His ingratiating smile. He says, "I'm here, man, I'm ready to work. I apologize and shit, and I'm here to work."

Justin springs up and claps his hands and says, "Yeah, let's get to work, right?"

Lance smiles and he wants to hug someone, anyone, but he just stands up and takes up the first position like Chris and Justin have.

They mean it, they really do and everything goes much smoother. They get things done and it's good. It's not like normal, because Chris doesn't joke as much and Justin is almost always completely silent. They both get these looks of fierce concentration at different times, mostly during breaks. So it's not great or normal, but it's working.

Then they're in New York and it's interviews and promo. They decided already to split up for most of them, and it's not that hard to keep Justin and Chris separate. It's a weird fucking mix of questions, they're somewhere between boy band and legitimate pop group now. They get asked about the music and how they think they've evolved and they still get asked about their underwear and whom they're dating.

The only appearance they do as a group is on MTV, the new revamped and retooled TRL. And the same mix of questions. After one about the songs, and how JC and Justin wrote the third track together and the hip new producer for the fifth one, some girl in the audience says, "You've guys have been together for so many years now, I just wondered, who're all your best friends in the group?"

Lance blinks. JC says, "Well, you know, it's like choosing your favorite child, no one can really do that."

Justin looks thoughtful, and then he says, "I'd say, uh, Lance." He pauses and Lance accidentally bumps Justin's knee. Justin says, "Uh, yeah, Lance and Chris, of course. But we're all like brothers, you know."

Chris says, "I don't like any of these guys. I want to join Backstreet. Or Creed. Do you know if there's any openings in Creed? Those guys kick ass. Except for completely sucking, I mean."

People laugh and Justin looks down and just plays with his microphone.

Every night out is full of tense negotiations. They don't want to do things and exclude Justin and Chris but as Joey notes, "They're fucking hell on wheels when we go out, man."

Eric doesn't really say anything, because he's just a boyfriend, even if he's going on eight months now. Eric's new job is as Joey's personal assistant, helping Joey coordinate all his things. Eric actually does a good job, he's really organized and dedicated.

JC's met this girl so he has the best excuse to avoid going out with everyone else. The girl is named LeAnn, Lance thinks and he'll wait to see how long she sticks around before he finds out if he's right about her first name or what her last name is.

So Lance and Joey get stuck calling Justin and then Chris and telling one that the other is coming and picking somewhere to go that everyone can agree on and then Chris shoots down places that Justin likes and Justin decides he doesn't want to go anywhere alcohol is served because Chris looks awful when he's hung over and it just gets annoying.

Lance decides to start staying in. Joey and Eric decide the same thing the next night. A solid day of interviews and smiling or making jokes to cover all of Justin's weird silences for the first half of the day. And then the second half of the day, Lance spent trying to get Chris to not come across quite as bitter as he seems to be lately. Another shitty day, Lance thinks and he tries not to remember when this was all fun.

He's almost fallen asleep watching some stupid movie on HBO that he didn't like when he went to the premiere a year ago and someone knocks on his door. Lance puts five dollars on Justin and then he thinks maybe Chris but then he's opened the door and it's Justin. Lance says, "Come in" and walks back to the bed.

Justin says, "You don't want to go out?"

Lance rubs his forehead and says, "Nope. You can go out. Or you can just hang out here and pretend it's out."

Justin laughs and curls up on the bed next to Lance. They watch the movie in silence and Justin says, "This movie sucks."

Lance says, "Yeah. I can't think of anything else to watch."

Justin pokes Lance. "Let's make out. That's way better than this."

Lance bites his lip. He says, "Do you really think that's a good idea?"

Justin says, "God," all exasperated and doesn't say anything else for the next hour. He falls asleep on the bed, but Lance wakes him up and makes him sleep in his own room.

They make it through the promos and the album comes out and the single does well. Things are good. They go back into intensive rehearsals and it's not great but it's better.

The night before the last day of rehearsals Justin calls Lance at 4 am. Justin whispers, "Lance, I need you to come get me."

Lance says, "What the fuck?"

Justin says, "Lance, I'm at Chris's. We, like, um, look, I need you to pick me up."

"If you're at Chris's, you can walk home." Lance sits up and rubs his eyes. He pulls on his pants.

"I can't find my pants. I'm not walking back to my damn house in my fucking underwear. Come over here and pick me up." Justin is still whispering.

"Why can't you find your pants?"

"Because me 'n Chris slept together and now he's asleep and I need to go and I'm not gonna look for my pants. Come over here and take me home."

Lance throws the phone across the room. He counts to ten and then turns on the light so he can find the phone. He picks it up and says, "I'm coming over, you fuck."

It takes him ten minutes to get there and when he pulls up outside Chris's house, Justin is standing on the lawn. In a t-shirt and his underwear. Lance unlocks the door and Justin gets in and quietly closes the door.

Justin says, "Let's go, please?"

Lance says, "You're fucking sneaking out. The two of you fuck after being broken up for, what, two months? And you fuck and you sneak out. What the fuck about the rest of us, tomorrow, huh, Justin?"

Justin sighs. "It's actually, you know, not that it's, uh, any of your business, but we've done it since we broke up. Just once, before tonight. But. And I just. I'll call him in the morning. I want to talk to him, but I don't. I don't want to get back together with him."

"Why not?"

Justin snorts. "Why not? I, I just don't. He's not. We broke up for a reason, we weren't working anymore and it's over. It's just hard, you know, getting back to whatever. Remembering why I liked him."

Lance grips the steering wheel. He says, "Call him tomorrow morning, okay? We have to fucking do this tour. You said we could."

Justin says, "I know. I fucking know, just. Just get me home. I just can't deal right now."

Lance slams the door closed after Justin gets out and drives home too fast.

In the morning, Chris and Justin are both late and they aren't really talking. But they get through the whole rehearsal and really get things done. Lance just wants all of it over and he feels bad for thinking it. His longest relationship didn't even last five months, let alone five years and he keeps telling himself, give them time.

Things are actually easier once the tour starts. Fewer interviews, easier ones that can be handled by one person or two. More time spent with each other, but somehow it's easier when they're all together. Lance is doing some dumbass radio station five-minute thing with Chris and Chris decides, for some reason, to start talking about the buses. "We have three this time so we're all moving around, rotating. And one lucky guy gets his own bus every time, so it gives us all a chance to ditch the other guys. Who we secretly hate."

"Except for Chris," Lance says quickly, "There's no such thing as secret hate with Chris."

Somewhere, Lance knows, there's a growing file of these fun interviews with Chris, probably on the internet, probably some page rimmed in a neon color where the girl running it posts constantly that she's very very concerned about poor Chris. Lance is losing patience.

He ends up on one of the two person buses with Chris the next night. Chris reaches for a bottle and Lance says, "Don't you think it's all a little cliché now? Maybe you could try a more new and innovative way of being bitter about the break-up."

"Oooooooh, who's a font of reverse-psychology or whatever mind tricks you're playing on me now?" Chris puts the bottle back.

"Don't you have a degree in psychology? You should be able to identify my Jedi mind tricks." Lance turns on the TV.

"I have an associate's degree, fuckwad. From years and years ago. But the important part is I see right through you. You suck."

"I swallow, too."

Chris bursts out laughing which is a nice change. He says, "That's not what I remember, but I've guess you've had a lot more practice, huh?" He waits a full hour before getting the bottle out and he only has two glasses. So that's something.

Two nights later he shares the bus with Justin. Speaking of cliché, Lance thinks, Justin is brooding. Lance goes to the back of the bus and decides his new tactic is going to be no tactic. He's going to ignore both of them. His resolve lasts an hour and then Justin is sitting next to him, poking him and saying, "Let's do something fun."

"Define fun."

"Let's make out." Justin grins and stretches. Which is pretty mean because then his t-shirt rides up and his pretty stomach is right there, just a teasing little slice of it and Lance bites the inside of his lip.

"You want to make out with me?"

"I always want to make out with you." Justin kisses him, sweet and soft. It's been a while since they did this. But still, easy to get Justin's shirt off, easy to watch him stretch again, easy as pie. Easy to get his pants off, and Justin looks just about same, naked and hard. Justin arches his back and he just brings his legs up. "Come on, come on." Easy, Justin's always easy to read.

Lance comes quickly because Justin's tight and he always makes these noises. These needy, pitched sounds and grunts and he curses and once says, "Lance, fuck," which might mean something but mostly means Justin's aroused and happy. So he comes and pulls out and ties off the condom. Lance scoots down on the couch, puts his mouth around Justin's dick and he really does like this part best sometimes.

He looks up and Justin's eyes are closed, hands clenched in the couch cushions. And Justin's dick is hot and hard, Lance's mouth stretched and somewhere in all that he looks up again at Justin's face screwed up and hears Justin say "Chris," and another moan.

There's a slick, wet pop sound when Lance pulls back and sits up. He gets off the couch and doesn't bother to find his clothes as he walks to the bathroom. He rubs his stomach as he starts the shower and thinks, fucker.

Justin doesn't even knock when he comes in. Lance is pleased in a way to see Justin's not even hard now. Justin says, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I get that you're angry with me --"

"I'm not. I'm not angry. I'm just sick and tired of you." Lance turns his back to Justin and says, "I'm fucking sick and tired. Get over it or at least, at least stop taking it out on the rest of us. On me." He steps into the shower and pulls the curtain tight.

Justin stops talking to him. Not in some mad way, but when Lance walks in the room, Justin shuts up and looks down like he's not worthy or something. Lance doesn't care.

That night he's sharing with Joey and Eric. Eric is actually pretty nice and everyone likes him. He's pretty different from Joey, quiet and sometimes aloof but he's a good guy. He's passed the six-month test and he's accepted. Two minutes after Lance puts his bag down, Joey says, "What's up with you and J?"

"I'm annoyed at him."

"Well, duh. And he's practically groveling at your feet, so. Spill."

Lance sits down on the couch and crosses his arms. "We were making out and he called me 'Chris.'"

Eric lets out a "whoof." He says, "Okay, that's pretty shitty. I get being pissed."

Joey has his hand threaded through Eric's lanky blond hair. He says, "Okay, I get being pissed, but it's been a day. Accept his apology tomorrow or something, okay?"

"I'm not pissed, not really. I'm just tired of it. I want him, I want Chris, too, I want them to get over it. Like, I'm not even mad."

Eric says, "I'd be mad. Shit, don't forget to say the right name, you know?"

Lance laughs. "Okay, I am a little pissed."

He goes to Justin in the morning and says, "Look, fine, stop the groveling thing. It's okay."

Justin says, "I am sorry. It wasn't, I'm sorry you're sick of me."

Lance grits his teeth. He lies. "I was just angry, Justin, I didn't mean it, okay?"

A month later, Johnny finds Lance before the soundcheck. "Lance, we have a problem."

Lance thinks, Eric, or something, but he knows, it's Justin and Chris again. The performances are fine, the interviews are going mostly okay, but.

Johnny says, "So. Chris. And Justin, for that matter. Chris said that shit about the buses and now there's two different websites tracking who rides on what bus. And they've got enough info to know one thing for sure."

"Chris and Justin never ride together." Lance sighs. "Who cares?"

"Well, you know, you put together that they never do interviews together, that they don't ride together, all that shit."

"They had a fight. We can say that, right? They're just not getting along." Lance looks over at the stage, watches people starting to set up.

"Look. You know they haven't always been subtle. 'Best friends' my ass. Now it looks like they broke up, because, of course, they have, but."

"So we need them to ride a damn bus, at least once, right? And what? A radio interview or something?" Lance starts to walk towards the stage.

Johnny sighs. "Look, yes. That's exactly it. Nobody's saying anything yet. Let's head that off, okay?" Johnny hands Lance a revised schedule and Lance sighs.

And after the soundcheck Lance stands behind Johnny while he explains it to Chris and Justin. Chris says, "Bullshit. That's fucking bullshit. We're supposed to worry about some websites and what the fuck?"

Johnny says, "Right, because there's absolutely no rumors about the two of you and there never has been. And lord knows, the two of you have never ever been caught drunk and making out and we've never had to pay off someone who has pictures and there's nothing to worry about. You two wanna come out now? You just tell me. In the meantime, I need you to do these two things to head this shit off."

Chris says, "It's still crap. It's not just one thing. It's been, all of this fucking shit. Because, you know, it's not like we didn't decide, fine, we'll do this for everyone even though we're both fucking miserable and it's fucking hell, but fine. Fine."

Decide. Lance never thought, they met that night. During rehearsals. He should've, but. Lance feels like an ass. Chris says, "Just, you know, Johnny? Next time you get divorced, you spend the next eight months working with your ex every single fucking day and tell me how you feel about it."

Johnny says, "You vent now, Chris, because you decided to do this. You said you were up for this. The whole kit and caboodle."

Justin hasn't said anything and he's just looking down. Lance thinks he looks older every day. Justin stands up and says, "It's fine. Just give us the fucking schedule."

They share a bus that night and do the radio interview in the morning. Lance listens from his hotel room and they sound bad. Chemistry shot to shit, but Lance wonders if anyone else would notice. Well, people will notice, but, it's probably not as bad as Lance thinks.

He talks to JC. "I just, I feel guilty."

JC plays with the seam of his capris. "I don't. I feel bad for them, but you know? We said it to them, when they first got together, when things got really hot, you know? Man, we said, we're a group, what about the group? And they promised us. I'm sorry for them, but they will get over it."

Lance says, "I guess so."

For once, they have strong enough sales outside the US and they've set up a second tour, as soon as the US leg is over, in the UK, Ireland, and Europe. It's exciting, but there are costs to consider and even with a scaled down show, Johnny says they would be best served by only having one bus. Lance just wants to get back to when things weren't so painful every time they have to be all together. Chris doesn't say anything about the bus sharing thing and Justin is still in his looking down and not saying anything phase so Lance decides it will be mostly fine.

They're based in London for the first two weeks of promo and the tour. JC brings LeAnn, so Lance feels like it's probably worth figuring out her last name, which is Ferguson, and what's she like. She's sweet, and once, in a club, he hears her whispering to JC and realizes she's incredibly sarcastic. He watches JC cracking up and smiling and thinks LeAnn is definitely going to be around for a while.

It's something else entirely when he looks over in the other corner and sees Chris bending over and talking to a girl. It's a flirtatious pose. Lance watches Chris put his hand on the girl's arm, whisper in her ear. Fuck, he thinks. Lance looks around and finds Justin standing near JC, watching Chris. Justin looks hurt and when he starts walking out a few minutes later, Lance trails after him. "Hey, wait up," Lance calls.

Justin leans against Lance in the car and says, "This is, like, the most miserable year of my life."

The girl Chris met is named Frannie. She's from the US, just visiting the UK and she does some kind of promotions thing. For sports teams or something. She's short and twenty-six and Chris actually seems happy for the week she's around. Justin is carefully polite with her, but mostly he just broods between performances.

Lance decides he doesn't care anymore. And this time he means it. He picks up a different guy three different nights in a row from the clubs in London. Hot English guys, life is good. One of them has a Prince Albert and that's a first for Lance, even through the condom it feels really nice.

Then they're crammed into one bus and they have to ride together like that for three weeks. During the first week of shows, Chris runs straight to the back as soon as they all get on the bus and starts calling Frannie who's still in the UK. One night Chris is in the back on the phone with Frannie, JC is on his phone with LeAnn and Joey is text messaging with Eric, who's back in the states. Lance takes out his phone, dials a number.

He watches, grinning, as Justin opens his phone. Justin's sitting across from him at the table and he says, "Hello?"

Lance says, "Play along, man, we look like dorks."

Justin grins and says, "I can't believe you just called me." Joey looks over and Justin says, "Dude, it's great to hear from you," at the same time as Lance says, "Oh, great to hear from you."

It's a stupid game, but they keep it up for a half hour, talking on the phone and remembering to talk over each other occasionally so no one figures them out. It makes Justin laugh at least.

Two weeks into the tour, they're all going crazy. It's been way too long since they had to share a bus. Everyone's stuff is everywhere, except for Justin's, which he has stacked inside his bunk so no one touches it. The coffee machine is broken one morning and Chris starts walking up the aisle, banging his empty cup on the walls and chairs. He says, "Who broke the fucking coffee machine? Who broke the fucking coffee machine?"

Justin rolls out of his bunk and says, "Shut the fuck up right now. Nobody broke the damn thing just to piss you off or shit like that. So damn it, shut up."

JC and Joey get out of their bunks and stand with Lance in the lounge. Chris grabs Justin's arm and drags him farther back in the bus. Lance can only see a little of them, waving hands and they've both stopped shouting, it's just the occasional word or phrase he can hear. "Fuck you," from both of them. Chris saying, "You think you know," and Justin saying, "I'm so glad for you."

Joey says, "Sounds like they've moved on from the coffee machine."

JC says, "Great. This is just, really, the funnest tour ever, man."

Lance sits on one of the bench seats and stares at his feet. He hears Chris say "you fucking baby" and Justin saying "who's the slut?" even louder.

Then it's over and the two of them walk to the lounge, smiling at each other, for once. Finally. Chris says, "Justin broke the coffee machine. Because he's an asshole."

Justin laughs and says, "Chris broke the damn coffee machine, just so he could complain."

One week later, the tour's over. They fly home and they're off for four months.

III. Damn, don't the streets look empty though?
Just wandering round here without you
Oh the empty bottle it misses you and I'm the one it's talking to

Chris is serious about Frannie. She's serious about him. Lance goes over to Chris's a week after they get back from the tour and she's there. She bustles around, giggling and happy. It's a weird vibe for Chris's house, happiness and Lance feels bad as he thinks it.

Lance goes out with them a couple of times, and once on some twisted double date plus token gay boy along with JC and LeAnn. In a crowded, loud club, Frannie leans over and says to Lance, "So Chris says you're gay."

Lance blinks. No one else is at the table because JC and LeAnn are dancing and Chris is getting drinks. Lance says, "How nice of him to share that."

"I'm sorry. I mean, it was kinda obvious. He told me about Justin, too."

Lance shakes his head. "Justin?"

"That he and Justin used to be a thing. You know? So it's not like he was just talking about you."

"Oh, good, I feel much better."

Frannie starts laughing. She has a nice laugh. She says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that. I was just, you know, didn't want you to feel like you had to pretend to be straight or something with me."

Lance says, "Well, that's sort of sweet." Lance grins. "Playing straight is not so much my strong suit."

She laughs again. "You're not so bad at it." Which is a pretty sweet thing to say.

Lance goes over to Justin's because he misses Justin, because he's gone out four times in the last two weeks with Chris and Frannie. Justin's house is empty. It's unusual, because Justin's house the first month back from touring is usually full of family and friends. But it's empty. The refrigerator's stocked with Evian and fruit and vegetables. No half filled Chinese take out. It's a little disturbing.

Justin is home, he can tell by the cars. All seven present, even the bike. He finds Justin in the pool, swimming. Lance says, "Hey."

Justin rises out of the pool and Lance can see he's naked. Lance says, "Hey. Nice swimsuit."

Justin's pacing. He says, "You know, Chris called me. He says he's in love. With that girl."

Lance sits down by the pool. The ground's a little wet. "He called you?"

"He wanted me to know." The sun is setting and Justin is just walking back and forth, naked. It's really beautiful. The orange and violet light, the clean lines of Justin's legs and his waist. Lance blinks and tries to focus.

Justin says, "I'll race you. Let's swim."

Lance says, "I didn't bring my suit." Justin dives in the water and Lance stares at the space where Justin's ass was for a brief second. He thinks, okay. He strips down and jumps in the water. Not as cleanly.

Justin swims to the end and says, "Okay. Fast as you can, as many laps as you can." He pushes off before Lance can even get to the end.

They swim for a long time. Justin calls out "one" when he finishes his first lap, and Lance follows suit. They keep going, and the sun sets completely somewhere around Lance's "twenty" and Justin's "twenty-one."

Justin's in great shape, but Lance trained to be an astronaut. Justin pulls himself up out of the water, panting around thirty-three and Lance does the same, except he's at thirty-six. Justin says, "You fucker. You couldn't, like, throw me one?" He's still panting.

The ground is cold and Lance's ass is like ice. He should look for his clothes or a towel. He's really exhausted. He says, "I don't like letting you win. You win all the time."

Justin stands up and the moon makes the lines of his body white but everything else is dark. Justin says, "I don't get it. How come he can just get over me and I can't get over him?"

Lance says, "You were seventeen. You know, first love and all that."

Justin rubs his face. He says, "Okay."

Justin pulls Lance up from the pool and drags him inside. He doesn't let go of Lance's hand when they get to the living room and just pulls Lance up to the bedroom. Justin falls back onto the bed and says, "If we had sex now, I would call you by the right name."

It's a bad idea. It's really bad. Lance starts thinking of all the reasons he really should just find his clothes. But he stays and Justin keeps his promise.

Lance goes to a party with Joey and Eric, a discreet little party of gay men in South Beach. Except it's not very discreet and little is the wrong word. Eric introduces Lance to this guy, Martin. Martin does commercials. He grins and he has perfect white teeth, brighter even than Justin's.

Lance has four months off and he intends to use them. He hasn't picked up that many things he dropped before space, he doesn't have anything to do. He just needs to stay in shape and be seen a little. And, he decides, sleep with Martin a lot. Martin agrees with that plan, so it's all working out.

At the compound, at one of their occasional meetings, Johnny says, "Justin needs a girlfriend, man. Nothing since Britney, really. It's not like that dancer chick really convinced anyone but US magazine."

Lance says, "This is my responsibility?"

Johnny laughs. "I just wanted your help, man." They look at magazines, talk about industry gossip and at the end, Johnny says, "I know I asked you this already, but how is Justin, really?"

Lance rubs his forehead. "He's okay. You know, still kinda bumming."

Johnny sighs. "Just promise me one thing, man. One thing. All I ask is that you never ever date someone in the group, okay? Please?"

Lance rolls his eyes. "I think we've all learned our lesson."

So Lance takes Justin to a party, not in South Beach. He introduces Justin to a number of girls, and tries not to feel like a pimp. Justin grins and says the right things because he's charming. Lance drives him home and says, "Meet anyone nice?"

"What are you, my mom?" Justin is smirking, not really drunk.

"I'm a friend very concerned about your ability to maintain a bare façade of heterosexuality."

"Oh. Yeah, I met some nice girls. Any in particular I'm supposed to call? Or do I get some choice?"

"You're the one who insists you're bi. Which ones did you, you know, actually like?" Lance tries not to smirk. And doesn't feel down. He has Martin waiting at home for him.

"I got some phone numbers. I have some names. I can call on my own. You think I'm okay for the big wide world?" Justin tries to sound flippant but it comes out sad.

"You're fine." Lance hopes he sounds convincing.

So it's nice when Justin calls two days later and says, "I have a date, Mom."

"That's good. Who with?"

Justin giggles. "George Michael." He can't even say it without laughing again. "Just kidding. I called that chick Kedisha. The singer?"

Lance grins. "She's great, Justin. I wanted to say, though, man, you've heard the rumors, haven't you?"

"Yes, Lance, part of the reason I called her is that not only do I find her attractive but I am thrilled to note that she is rumored to be a lesbian. Which means even if she thinks I'm a big dork, she'll probably still go out with me long enough for me to resume my thin, what did you call it?"

"Façade of heterosexuality." Lance pauses. "Seriously, Justin, you know, you don't have to."

Justin doesn't really say anything.

Lance goes with Justin to a party which is also Justin and Kedisha's second date. He meets Martin at the bar like they'd planned and they sit in a dark corner together. Martin says, "She's cute."

She is. She's done a little back up singing and now her first album rising on the charts. Lance says, "Yup. She looks good with Justin."

Martin says, "Is she Hispanic or Asian?"

"Both. She used to be a model."

"Does Justin actually like her? And also, how do you get out that stuff?" Martin runs his hand up and down Lance's arm and Lance leans back and grins.

"He does actually like her. He says he thinks she's bi, because they actually kissed at the end of date one. He says she's funny and sweet and blah blah blah. And I get out of that stuff by, you know, just being me." Then he drags Martin into the bathroom and blows him in one of the stalls.

So it's almost like they're all happy. There's a party in New York and they all go. JC, Chris and Justin walk in with their dates and Lance and Joey meet their dates at the bar. Justin looks happy, or close enough.

Joey says, "So we like Kedisha." Eric nods.

Lance says, "So far."

Martin says, "What's not to like? She's pretty nice."

Lance shrugs. "I'm just sayin', I like to reserve judgment."

Joey laughs. "Lance has a two month rule. You have to last two months before he starts to care. For our dates."

Lance finds Justin alone a few hours later. "Where's the pretty lady?"

"Bathroom."

"How're things?" Lance smiles.

"They're good. You keep asking that." Justin rolls his eyes.

"Pardon me for being concerned."

Justin leans in and whispers, "She's, like, definitely at least bi, man, cause we had sex last night."

"Spare me the gory details, but how was that?"

"Well. It's kind of funny. Because, you know, we've been making out for, like, the last two weeks, but you know, nothing major. And we're back at my hotel room, a little drunk and I'm all, yeah, I heard you were, you know, not straight. And she's all, yeah. So it turns out she used to date, you know."

"She dated --" Lance looks around. "The one she sang back up for?"

"Yup. Nasty break-up, blah, blah. And so, you know, I was telling her, about me and Chris? And then we had sex. Like, right on the couch."

"So you like her?"

Justin looks down. He's still smiling and maybe even blushing. He says, "I do like her. She's really nice. There's like, potential, you know?"

Lance says, "That's good, man," and pats Justin on the arm. He walks away to find Martin.

Martin doesn't have potential. Martin is cute and funny and Lance won't ever fall in love with him.

They get back to Orlando and Martin has practically moved in. It's really nice, waking up with Martin and he even cooks. Martin's making dinner, something with curry and garlic judging from the smells when Justin comes over. He bounces in the door and Lance can't help smiling. Justin waves to Lance and sticks his head in the kitchen, saying, "Dude, Martin, I suck, but can I join y'all?"

Martin says, "Yeah, and get out of the kitchen, man, I'm cooking."

Justin flops down on the couch and says, "Did you know he cooks in his underwear?"

Lance says, "Yes. I did, actually. You're all happy. It looks good on you."

"Well," Justin says. He grins. "You know, I gotta girl. I like it."

"Is it serious?" Lance thinks that can't be a good idea.

"No, but you know, potential." Justin talks about movies with Martin all through dinner and then he does the dishes.

It's like that, the first three months of their vacation. Dropping in on each other, no one doing anything, like they needed a vacation from the worst tour ever. Not the worst in money or reviews by a long shot, but the least fun. Martin's working on a commercial one day and Lance goes over to Chris's. Chris is barbequing and Frannie brings them both beers. She already has hers by the pool.

Frannie jumps in the pool and Lance doesn't think about Justin diving into his pool naked. Chris says, "Hey, what do you think about this Kedisha chick?"

Lance shrugs. "She's nice. Justin likes her."

Chris says, "Yeah. Just, you know, he always struck me as pretty gay. Even with the occasional thing with Brit."

Lance laughs. "Yeah, man, you, too. Always struck me as pretty gay. How'd me and Joey end up the ones with boyfriends?"

"How'd you and Joey not end up being boyfriends?"

Lance shrugs again. He doesn't want to say that they avoided it because of Chris and Justin. It was just too much, even before they broke up. Lance says, "You know, timing and all that. Plus, he's only recently been boyfriend material, and yeah, timing."

Two nights later, a buzz from his gate at 3 am wakes Lance up. Martin doesn't even move, he sleeps through everything. When Lance gets downstairs he hears the door opening so he knows it must be one of the guys.

"Justin," he says and Justin looks from his contemplation of the hall table. "Hey."

Justin sniffles and then rubs his nose. "Sorry to bother you."

"Well, so far all you've done is show up at my house at 3 am and wake me up. Is there more?" Lance tries to smile, but he's pretty sure this won't be good.

"Um." Justin walks past Lance and sits on the couch in the living room. He turns on a lamp and now Lance can see his face clearly. Definitely nothing good.

"What's up?" Lance sits down next to Justin but doesn't touch him.

"So. I kinda got dumped again."

Lance says, "Baby, I'm sorry." He squeezes Justin's knee and Justin shudders.

"Kedisha went back to her girlfriend. So, you know. I guess we'll still go out and stuff, but. Not like for real. Like we were." Justin pauses. He leans over and hugs Lance and he's trembling. "Everything's so fucked up."

Lance murmurs something and pats Justin's back. He tries to think of something to say, but he has no idea. So he settles for, "It'll be okay."

Justin says, "When?" and that Lance doesn't have an answer for.

He says, "You can stay here tonight if you want."

Justin pulls back and puts his hand on Lance's face. "Really?"

Lance nudges Justin's hand away and says, "Martin." Justin's face falls and Lance says, "Any guest room in the place, all yours."

Justin nods and says, "Okay."

Lance walks him up to the guest room and even tucks him in. He says, "We'll make you breakfast in the morning."

In the morning, Justin is gone, but he leaves a nice note.

Lance goes over to Justin's with Eric and Joey. "This feels really familiar," Joey says. "I mean, you know, poor Justin, but didn't we just do this?"

"I think he's mostly sad because of last time, you know? Like, it's not that he's so depressed over Kedisha, but it's just, you know, more of the same." Lance fiddles with a rattle that must be two years old he found shoved under the cushions when he got in Joey's car.

Eric says, "Hey, Joe, cut him some slack. Broke up with his first love, got dumped by the next person he went out with, he's, you know, getting a big helping of pain in the space of a year."

Joey says, "Dude, I feel for him. I'm, just, you know, worn down. A lot of time spent patting Justin on the back. I'm in it for the long haul but. While we're in the car, before we get there, I just wanna say, I'm tired." Joey sighs. "Hey, where's Martin? We should make this a big gay affair. Come back to the boys, J, the full-court press."

Lance laughs. "Martin has some meeting. He's not on vacation."

They get Justin good and drunk and make him play endless games of Scrabble until he falls asleep. When Justin gets over his hangover, he calls Lance and says he's going back to Memphis for a few days. "Hang with my grandparents. You know, people who will never ever break up with me."

Martin gets a job offer. "It's this amazing opportunity. Amazing. The director just up and quit. Cocaine, I think."

Lance says, "Yeah?"

"Except. It's two months in Prague. Starting tomorrow."

Lance says, "Oh."

Martin says, "I'd say, you know, will you be here when I get back, but."

Lance says, "Yeah." Martin kisses him as he leaves.

Lance tells Justin but he says, "You know, it wasn't. I didn't think it had much potential."

Justin says, "Still." He pauses and looks up, grinning. "We can be all wallow-y about our lost chances to get laid together."

Which is another plan. And at some point, they're both getting laid again. Just a casual fall into bed with each other thing, Lance thinks. It's not quite a plan.

IV. And I don't know which is worse
To wake up and see the sun
Or to be the one, be the one that's gone

Justin comes over with a bottle of wine and says, "Anniversary."

Lance says, "Of what?" Justin just raises an eyebrow and flops down on the couch. He starts fiddling with the top of the wine and Lance throws a corkscrew at Justin.

Lance grabs two glasses and sits down next to Justin. He starts to say "of what" again but then he gets it. So he says, "You celebrate anniversaries of break-ups?"

Justin shrugs. "Not so much, you know, celebration. I'm not, uh, partying here. I just wanted to mark the occasion."

After two glasses each, Justin says, "I know this doesn't mean anything, because whatever, I've said it before, but I feel kinda over it, you know. Like, okay, over. Time to cheer up or something."

Lance says, "You've never said, you've never said to me that you were over it. So. It means something."

When Lance gets up to get another bottle of something, he realizes this is something like the fourteenth, maybe even fifteenth night in a row he's seen Justin. And if Justin doesn't get too drunk, thirteenth or fourteenth night in a row they'll have had sex. Lance looks back at the living room and he can see Justin stretching and crossing his legs. Back to work in two weeks.

A couple more drinks, stupid action movie watched, and Justin is drunk. Justin leans against Lance and Justin's hand rubs up and down Lance's leg. Justin says, "Baby."

Lance says, "Justin, you're drunk."

Justin says, "So what?"

Justin climbs into Lance's lap, a big lap full of warm Justin, nibbling at Lance's ear and Justin's hands are gripping Lance's waist. But it's wrong. Because Justin gets like this and he's all over people when he's drunk. And that's why they always put him to bed or fob him off on Chris, because it was okay for Chris or something. Or something.

"I'm not with Chris any more so you need to decide for yourself, man."

"What, what are you talking about?" Lance tries to push Justin away but Justin hangs on tight.

"You're drunk, man, mumbling to yourself, blah, blah. I'm drunk, so what?" Justin grins scoots closer to Lance.

"You know, um, you get all friendly. I don't want to take advantage of you."

"But, of course, up to one year ago today it was perfectly fine to give me to Chris and let him take advantage of me?" Justin's still smiling.

"It's not, like, God. If it's me, it's taking advantage, but it's not if it's Chris. If it were Chris. It's not like I think you're incapable of consent or something, it's just, you know."

Justin says, "Shut up." He kisses Lance and Lance decides to worry about it later. Later, later. After they make it upstairs and after they have sex for the thirteenth or fourteenth night in a row.

So later, after everything, Lance tugs at Justin's hip and says, "Okay, uh, are you staying?" Because he hasn't or Lance hasn't.

Justin says, "Of course, of course. See, the part you're missing is, you know, I'm pretty much always okay with you and me making out."

When Lance wakes up, Justin is gone and Lance is almost happy about it. No calls or anything from Justin all day. Lance wonders if Chris knew it was the day and what he did.

Lance goes over to JC's that night. They watch a horrible movie, some chick flick that LeAnn picked. She sniffles through the contrived death scene and then throws her Kleenex at JC. "I know, I know! It's hideously manipulative and it was telegraphed and it's an awful movie. I have PMS. Screw you both." She starts giggling and JC rubs her back.

"I know, I know, baby." JC grins. "You got cramps, honey? I know a cure for that."

LeAnn smirks. "You know, I think I do. I definitely have cramps."

Lance gets up and says, "I'll see you two later," but they're already making out and JC just waves.

Everybody's got somebody, Lance thinks. Except me and my monkey, but that's not actually a song, he thinks. The radio plays some song about "don't you want somebody to love" and he thinks, sure. Except of course, he has someone to love and Lance turns the radio up and stops thinking.

He goes to bed and looks for a moment at the t-shirt by the bed and it's Justin's. He needs to remember to return that to him.

He wakes up and Justin's sitting on his bed. "Hi."

Justin says, "Yo."

Lance says, "Isn't this early in the morning for you to be, uh, you're awfully awake."

Justin says, "Well, yeah, it's two in the afternoon."

"Oh. You're, okay." Lance rolls over and shakes his head. "You left your t-shirt here."

Justin grabs Lance's hand and holds it tight. He says, "Baby."

After a week, Lance tells Johnny. Johnny says, "Bullshit. You're with him?"

Lance shrugs. "Yes. Me. Justin. I came to tell you."

"Are you insane? Did you just miss the past year? You promised me."

Lance looks at his hands and says, "It's my life. I didn't promise anything, you know. I wasn't trying to be devious, I didn't think that this was gonna happen. Trust me, I'm, uh, as surprised as you are. I'm probably happier about it, I guess." Johnny doesn't laugh. "Look, you know. It won't last."

"Oh, good. Because this band can handle one more break-up. What a great idea."

"Well, I'm not Chris. So." Lance stands up. "I wanted to tell you, you know?"

Johnny waves his hand. "Sit down and stop being offended." Lance sits down. "What'd Chris say?"

Lance rubs his head. "Justin is telling him. I got you, and the other guys."

Johnny says, "Look. You know, I want you guys to be happy. So. That's as your friend. And as a friend, it makes me sad that you've been doing this with him for a week and you tell me it won't last. I don't think Justin is like the other guys you've seen. But. That's as your friend. As your manager, you guys keep this shit quiet. Do better at it than Justin and Chris did, okay? And that's all I have to say there."

Lance stands up again and grabs his bag from the chair. He says, "I'm not Chris, so."

Talking to Johnny went quicker than Lance expected so he decides to swing by Joey's house on the way home. And he gets lucky, JC is there. So he says, "Guys. I have a thing."

JC and Joey look up and Eric walks over to the pool. Lance starts to call him but fuck it, Eric's not in the group. Lance says, "Me and Justin are, uh, together."

JC says, "Oh." Then he hugs Lance tight and says, "Congratulations."

JC lets go and backs away. Joey's frowning. He says, "You think that's a good idea?"

"No, Joey, but it's not like sticking my hand in a wood chipper, so you know, at least pretend to be happy."

Joey shakes his head. "It's just, you know, Justin. And you. Sorry, man."

Lance shrugs. "Well, thanks for the endorsement."

Joey says, "I just think. You know, you'll regret it."

JC stands up again. He rubs his hands together. "Joey, come on. That was a year ago, and you know."

Joey shakes his head again and walks to the pool. He stands and looks at Brianna's swing set for a few moments. Then he turns around, walks over and hugs Lance. "Okay, okay, you be happy. And you'll prove me wrong."

Lance says, "Sure."

Joey says, "And you know, be a good friend and forget that I was being an ass, okay?"

"You weren't being an ass."

He stays at Joey's place and they eat dinner and then Lance drives home. Or, really, Justin's place which isn't home at all. But it's nice. And Justin isn't home and it's been four or five hours. Lance watches TV and waits for Justin to get back.

He wakes up because the phone is ringing right next to his head. He grabs and says, "Hey."

Justin says, "Lance, man, I tried your cell phone. You turn it off?"

Lance shakes his head. He's drooled on the couch where he fell asleep. "I guess so. What time is it? Where are you?"

"I'm over here. I'm at Chris's and Frannie's here and we were all playing some stupid game." Justin sounds chipper.

Lance says, "I'm at your place."

"Yeah, I know, I called you. You just woke up, huh?" Justin pauses. "Okay, I'm headed home. Go back to sleep."

Lance says bye and he doesn't mean to, but he falls asleep again. Justin wakes him up and says, "Up and up and up, man. No sleeping on the couch at your boyfriend's place. It's just tacky."

Lance says, "Hey." And then, "What did Chris say?"

"He said, uh, don't screw it up. And good for me, because I'm pretty gay and I shouldn't be fooling around with girls." Justin grins. "What did everyone else say?"

"Well, Chris is the most supportive friend we've got, J. Oh, and JC. Joey said we'll regret it and Johnny said not to be all indiscreet like you and Chris."

Justin pulls Lance up and holds his hand as they walk upstairs. "You know, you get caught by some fan necking once, and people never let you forget it."

"She tried to sell the pictures, Justin."

Justin turns around and looks to the left and the right and then pulls Lance close. "No fans around, can I kiss you?"

Lance smiles and lets himself believe, for a little while. He says, "Please."

Things in the studio are good. Even though Lance knows he's biased, it just seems good and easy. It's a different vibe from the tour at least. They have the same arguments and it's not Justin versus Chris or Lance versus Chris or anything like that. Things are good.

They get home from the studio at nine pm one night, but it's not that exciting because they started at six am. They're lounging on Lance's couch. The AC's somehow fucked up and Lance called but the fuckers won't come until tomorrow so they're both naked.

Justin turns on his side and rests his head on Lance's lap. It's such a lovely view, Justin's hips and his long legs. Lance traces Justin's tattoo on his arm and says, "Is this, like, your evenings off with Chris?"

Justin rolls a little so he's looking up at Lance. He says, "No. But, you know, that was Chris. We'd do different things. You know. I like this, too, dipshit."

Lance smiles. "I know. I just wondered."

It's impossibly hot in the house and hot in another way having Justin just spread out before him. Before this, maybe even now, Lance thought the hottest thing he'd ever seen was Chris jerking off Justin in a back room.

Three, four years ago, maybe. Lance remembers Justin's curls. It was all five of them in a back room, and Chris had locked the door because they'd spent the day being pushed around and made to wait and now they had to wait again, for an hour. Justin and Chris were sitting on one couch and Lance, JC and Joey were sitting on the other, across from them. It was a crappy room to be stuck in. Justin cracked his neck and leaned against Chris's shoulder. Bored, bored, Lance thought.

Then Chris spat on his hand, reached over and undid Justin's jeans and just started. He didn't really pull out Justin's dick, he just did it. Pumping up and down and JC burst out laughing. Joey said, "Chris," and then nothing else.

Justin closed his eyes and bit his lip and didn't say a thing. Justin reached over a little towards Chris, but Chris used his free hand to bat Justin away. Justin put his hands down on his thighs. Lance watched Justin's hands. Clench, clench. And then he looked a little farther up and he could see Chris's hand, the tip of Justin's dick, up and down.

Chris was looking away. Joey covered his face with his hand and JC stood up and walked to the door. He just stood there and giggled a little, nervous more than amused. Lance kept staring. Up and down and just the tip and Chris's hand. Lance was already hard and he put his hands on his thighs, just like Justin.

There was no sound in the room, just, just Lance's breathing in his ears, Justin's panting, JC's occasional giggle and the sound of Chris's hand against Justin's jeans and the slick of Chris's hand up and down. Up and down.

It was, just. Chris was looking away, almost unconcerned, and the way Justin's hands were clenching and unclenching to the same rhythm as Chris's hand and Justin's closed eyes and Lance was pretty sure he was gonna die from embarrassment if he came in his pants just from watching.

Then Chris reached over with his free hand, tugged at Justin's chin and they started kissing. Lance looked down at his feet and then back up at the kissing and he wasn't hard anymore. He went and stood with JC until Justin made a muffled moan and Joey said, "God. Are you two fucking done with that?"

They cleaned up and no one found out and mostly Lance remembers Chris saying Justin would make it up to him when they got to the hotel and Justin just laughing.

And now they're both naked on the couch and Lance could just spit on his hand, and reach over. He bends down and kisses Justin instead. They fuck on the couch and it's so hot Lance complains about his ass sticking to the damn cushions.

Seven weeks. They've been doing this for seven weeks now. Lance is gonna keep counting until it's five years and it's been longer than Justin and Chris and after that he doesn't care. But right now, it's only been seven weeks. A day off from recording and Justin is dancing around the kitchen. Lance says, "Justin?"

Justin starts singing and he dances over to Lance, holding him around the waist. "I love you, Lance, I always will," and then Justin starts humming and spinning Lance around the room. He starts singing again, "but is it ever gonna be our wedding day?"

Lance grins and lets himself be spun and dipped. Justin is humming where he doesn't remember the words. It's cute. Definitely cute. Justin dips him and sings, "I've got the wedding bell blues," and kisses him.

Lance says, "This is good for you, right?"

Justin grins and pretends to drop Lance, but catches him after Lance falls an inch. Lance stands up and sits in a chair. Justin says, "It's lovely. I'm happy."

Lance says, "I want. Uh, I think we should be, you know, exclusive. Just sleep with each other. You know?"

Justin cocks his head and says, "Is this because I have a date with Kedisha tonight or just a general thing?"

Lance thinks about Chris and things he said. He says, "Just in general. Is that okay?"

Justin grins. "Yeah. Sure. No sex with other men or even, in my case, women. Just us. Works for me."

"Can I fuck women then?" Lance stands up and straightens Justin's tie. Off to some premiere with his fake girlfriend.

Justin grins. "You ever get it up for a woman, it's okay with me if you fuck her. But only once. Then back to me, okay?"

"Okay, okay. You go off to your thing." Justin twirls once and kisses Lance's cheek and he's gone.

And then they're almost done with the new record and it's been nine weeks of Lance coming home to Justin. Tonight he comes home from a meeting that ran late with a possible sponsor for the tour and Justin's on the phone. Justin looks serious and he says, "Yeah, I know." A pause. "It'll be okay, man." Then Justin looks up and sees Lance. He says, "Okay, I'm gonna. Yeah. Talk to you soon." Justin hangs up.

Lance says, "Who was that?"

Justin looks at his hands. "It was, uh, Chris. Frannie dumped him. Like, for real, dumped dumped."

Lance shivers and then. He says, "Poor Chris. That sucks, he really liked her."

"He was in love with her. Like, for real."

And Chris called. Lance says, "You should go over there."

Justin twists around and looks at Lance. He says, "You don't really want me to."

"Yeah, I do. He called." Lance blinks and toes off his shoes.

Justin stares at him for a second or two. He says, "Okay. He sounds pretty down."

Lance says, "I imagine. Tell him I'll come by tomorrow."

"You don't wanna come?" Justin is already putting on his sneakers.

"He called you." You don't own me, Lance thinks. He wishes he did. He wishes he were Justin's first love and he could make Justin come running with a single call. He thinks he'll never ever believe Justin isn't going to leave him now that Chris is single.

Justin kisses Lance long and deep before he leaves. Lance waves goodbye from the door.

He gets really drunk. He's mad at himself because he has no faith and Justin's even said "I love you" even if it was just a song. And he's furious that he ever let himself believe even for a second that this would last and how much of an idiot is he to think just because he's wanted something since he was seventeen that he would actually get to keep it. Mostly, he's drunk and he thinks he wants to be numb for when Justin comes back and breaks up with him because now he can have Chris again.

His traitorous heart, he thinks. He keeps remembering Justin in his underwear saying he doesn't want to get back together with Chris and then Justin by the pool. When Justin leaves him, Lance is never ever gonna be with someone he loves again. Ever. He won't do this to himself.

He falls asleep somewhere around 2 am on Justin's big white bed. He wakes up when the phone rings and it's 4 am. "Déjà vu," he says, answering the phone.

"It's me," Justin says. Noise behind him.

"Okay." Lance thinks, say it now.

"I thought you'd be worried so I'm calling you. It's like a fucking party here, man." Justin laughs a little. "Typical Chris. He's, uh, playing video games with LeAnn and Joey's scrubbing the kitchen floor because of some bet he and Chris made."

"Oh. Should I be there?"

"Nope. They all showed up a few hours ago. It's okay. You're awake?"

Lance sighs. "You woke me up." Just say it, Lance thinks. Just do it.

"Just do what?" Justin sounds concerned, maybe.

"I didn't mean to say that out loud." Lance bites his lip and stops thinking.

"Yeah, I know. Look, baby. I'm coming home, okay?"

Lance sits up. "Are you okay to drive?"

"No. But I can walk. It's not like you're okay to drive." Justin pauses and behind him Lance hears a whoop and something crash. "I'm coming home. Be there soon."

Lance blinks again and he must have fallen asleep. Justin is standing over him. He bends down and kisses Lance. Lance doesn't try to taste for someone else. He really doesn't. Justin takes off his shirt and his pants and climbs into bed next to Lance. He pushes Lance and says, "Come on, man, take off your clothes."

Lance struggles out of his shirt and pants and then he rolls over and runs his hands over Justin. He's not really looking for evidence.

Justin says, "Nothing happened, Lance." Soft. Not even angry. "I'm not. Okay, you know what? I'm right here. Ain't going nowhere." Justin touches Lance's face, just a touch. "Everything's good, baby. Everything's fine."

Lance wants to believe.

THE END

Back to Stories